• Member Since 7th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 15th, 2020

Sparkling Shield


im a brony with some strange tastes for fan fics, but nether the less, i will write

T

(inspired by "A new Hero" and on 'fanfiction(dot)com' "MLP: FIM Off The Record")
(is now set to be a full story, cannon on season 1, no season 2 cannon)

On the show we love, there were always the Mane Six. But what if that changed?
What happened if the Mane Six turned into the Mane 7?

Join Dark Streak (an Earth pony with special powers) as he joins up with the Mane Six as the 7th element of harmony The element of---
"PINKIE! Get back here right now!"

(MLP FIM is owned by Hasbro and no copyright is intended is something is stolen from another story/show)
(Rated Teen for Pony curses)

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 10 )

Sorry for the comments disappearing. didn't know that would happen. Anyways, Back-story has been released, and a rewrite of my Chapter one is in progress. Hope you will like whats planed, cause Dark is going to have his life turned around... for better.

Also, yes, im going Cannon on Season 1, but i plan to put in non-episode related chapters in there.
And, i have currently.. One spot open for an OC, other than Dark. if you want to include yours, just ask AND provide information.
PEACE:twilightsmile::yay::raritywink::pinkiehappy::ajsmug::rainbowwild:

Hey again, Shield!

First, let me say that I'm glad that you're willing to accept criticism, and that you didn't take my first comment as me being unfriendly. I just want to give out my honest opinions and humble advice to try to help out a friend. :pinkiehappy:

Now, on to the story!

I like this a lot better. My suggestion at this point is to further expand on this, and make it part of the story.

Use the universal rule of "show, don't tell." Here's what I mean by that: Imagine that you are reading an article in a newspaper about a murder that happened recently. How would that make you feel? You probably wouldn't think about it much afterward. :applejackunsure: Now, imagine that you are actually witnessing someone being murdered right in front of you. That would have a lot more of an effect on you! :pinkiegasp:

Rather than telling us about how he was kicked out, show it to us. For example, you could write a scene where he goes home to his parents. He's angry, fearful, and confused. Everyone at school hates and fears him. He comes home expecting to find some comfort and guidance from his parents, but the rug is pulled out from under his hooves when they also turn on him. That's excellent drama! :raritycry: Let us see it first hand, so that we can feel his pain. Then, when he finally triumphs later in the story, it'll be so much sweeter!

I suggest that rather than starting in Ponyville, you start the story with Dark growing up and being tormented in school, and write a few scenes to show in detail how he discovered his powers and is cast out by his family. You could make that chapter 1.

Next, show him out on the streets as he suffers and slowly learns to control his powers. Show what drives him away from Phyllideplhia, and how he arrives in Ponyville. You could make that chapter 2.

That way, we'll have had time to learn not just about what he is, but also who he is. We'll be attached to him, and we'll care about him and want him to succeed.

About his powers:

It's good to know more about his powers, and they sound cool, but don't just tell me about them. Let me SEE them! Write some scenes where he learns to use his powers so that we can see them first-hand.

Here's some examples:

1. While Dark Streak is taking shelter in a church, the priest notices Dark's powers. The priest becomes convinced that Dark is an evil demon, and commands his congregation to kill Dark. Dark discovers new ways to use his powers as he defends himself from the angry mob, and makes a daring escape.

2. Hungry one night, Dark breaks into a random house to steal food. Unfortunately, the house is the headquarters of a local street gang who are in the middle of planning a big heist. Dark is quickly caught, and accused of being a spy for a rival gang. Despite Dark's protests, the thugs decide to kill Dark to ensure that he never talks, and in his desperation, Dark draws on more of his powers than he ever has before to battle the gangsters.

Doing something like that will not only be exciting, but will also let us learn more about Dark and move the story along.

Also, be very careful about how powerful you make him. There's a reason that villains almost always get the all the cool stuff in stories. The story of an underdog triumphing against impossible odds is a classic that has endured throughout history. So far, he can fly, conjure daggers, and turn invisible. I'm not saying that's too powerful or that you did anything wrong. I'm just saying that you should be cautious how you handle Dark's powers. Make sure that however powerful he is, there's always some problem or antagonist that he has to struggle against, and make sure to show us that he not invulnerable and can be put in real danger, or the excitement will die. Having a god-mode character who effortlessly blasts everything out of his way is nowhere near as dramatic as an underdog who has to use every ounce of his strength, wits, and courage to defeat powerful foes.

For example, maybe he starts off battling street thugs, but as his power grows, he attracts the attention of an elite order of monster slayers who believe that he is a threat to Equestria, or an evil cult of demon worshipers who have gained dark powers through demonic pacts.

Now, about his relationships with the other ponies:

There seems to be a bit of a contradiction going on. I can believe that Fluttershy would take him in. She's the Element of Kindness, after all. But why are beautiful mares suddenly lining up to be his girlfriend? Just a minute ago, I was reading about how he was hated and shunned by everyone he met. His own parents, who raised him from a foal and loved him dearly, were so scared of him that they threw him out on the street! Remember how the ponies behaved in Bridle Gossip? It was very difficult for them to warm up to Zecora, and she was just a little different looking. Dark Streak is a guy who's so scary that even his parents didn't want him, so that should affect his interactions with the residents of Ponyville.

I think it would be more realistic to show him struggling to fit in due to his strange powers and upbringing. For example, maybe Applejack would be civil to him, but not want him around her family, while Rainbow Dash would be openly hostile toward him because of his "freaky shadow powers!" Show how Dark Streak earns their respect through trials and good deeds.

I hope this helps, and that I don't sound like I'm being pushy or condescending or anything like that. I'm just offering some suggestions, and as always, I'm neither a expert writer nor a renowned critic. I'm just a friend who loves reading! :twilightsmile:

Keep going! I'm curious to see how this story turns out, and if you haven't got an offer already, then I might just take you up on that spot for an OC!

853744 actually, you are the first to ask about that OC spot. this story isn't THAT known, but my friends seem to like it.
Once i get the other chapters you, it will follow Dark's life, Fitting In (pun shall be intended), basically shows what happened before Ep. 1.
im curentlly working on it. this might turn out to be my best fic yet

:trollestia: See you soon, or get trolled :trollestia:

853744 world's biggest comment. And plus Shield guy, I had a dream somewhat similar to this. It was about Scootaloo being the new element of harmony. The Element of Hardwork. I can't wait for new chapter.

Arrivederci :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

880995 aww, thanks for the support. i was really in a funk, but im glad to see some one likes my work.
expect me to speed write the next one, for i can just imagine how it will play out
Hint: :ajsmug:

881032 You deserve more than a simple complement. I want to be your friend so we can check up on each others stories. Deal or no Deal?

Keep it up.

Good to see Off the Record being inspration for a story.

I think... your cover needs more professionalism.

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