A figure walked through the everfree undisturbed. The moon shone down brightly lighting the being on her way as the figure walked through the thick forrest hidden by the hood upon her head as she proceeded into a clearing with a tree stump in the middle illuminated by the moons majestic rays. The figure walked towards the stump carrying something in it's magic once hidden by the forrest, a basket hoof made as the delicate craftsmanship was obviously shown in the waves in the fibres that had been used to make it.
Then suddenly noise hit the forrest a low small chuckling of a foal coming from the basket. "Shhhhhhh night my dear foal.... It's OK mummy's.... Mummy will look after you!" the figure said placing the basket onto the stump looking at her filly inside. A small black as night pegasus foal with a bright green mane looked at her mummy with a face of pure happiness as she believed in her mother’s words and hugged her little dragon plushy toy and went back to sleep not noticing the hooded mare rushing away leaving her foal alone in the everfree.
Hours went by as little Night begat to stir in her sleep and woke with a sneeze as the young foal was exposed to the winter air. "Mumma.....!" she called out in fear as she would get no response from the clearing or anywhere "Mumma!" she tried again before hearing a slight growl from the treeline as a pack of wolves emerged from it.
"Midna did you here that?" the alpha asked as the noise of the foal perked his ears making him move towards Night his nose twitching slightly smelling the foals well let's just say waste. "Eugh what is that.... We may have found something the manticore left."
"Link you know we have to get back to the pack leave it and come on Alpha is already on edge with you after your empty-pawed hunt!" Midna said with a sigh as she began to walk away from the clearing as Link decided to investigate "So I am returning the food we caught now I'll let you hand some to you if you hurry!"
Suddenly Night began to coy slightly in fear of these wolves as she hid in her basket "Wait it's alive?" Link asked approaching the basket carefully as he peered in "Midna it's a pony cub!" he said seeing Night's tiny face and wings poking out from under her blanket which had her name hand sown upon it.
"Well bring it back Alpha would love that as a meal!" Midna joked with obvious sarcasm "Link we are not bringing it into the pack.... Alpha would flip!"
"I am not leaving the pony cub to die I'll even fight Alpha to keep her now come!" Link growled as he picked up the basket and heading for the Grove that the Wolf pack resigned.
The Grove was a small clearing with rocks forming natural dens into the contours of the groaned where cubs ran around fighting and playing on the soft mossy grass as their mothers smiled on proudly whilst their fathers kept watch. Link entering the Grove felt nervous upon seeing Alpha a big grey wolf who was the packs leader. His name wasn't Alpha but that is his title and if you called him anything but you was challenging him for his place. "LINK, MIDNA YOUR LATE!" he growled angrily snarling as he spotted the two young wolves.
"Oh I'm sorry Alpha the old castle bridge was broken so we had to track around the gorge..... We did send out a howl but it seems the message did not get heard!" Midna said with a bow apologising for their late return home.
"Fine I'll except your excuses young one just howl louder in future.... What have you brought the pack from your hunts!" Alpha said with a sigh as he looked at Link who was hiding the foal basket from the elder wolf "Link what are you hiding....!"
"Um well you see I smelt something so I uh tracked it and I found an abandoned basket information the clearing south of here and well there was a pony cub inside I thought that instead of letting it die.... We raise it as our own as.... As I've been cubless for years now and I didn't want an innocent to die !" Link said boldly as he stood tall and proud to his father staring him down questioningly "Please dad I'm the one who will raise her.... It's even a full moon it's a sign from luna it has to be I promise if it goes bad I'll..... Leave!"
Midna gasped at Link's proposal as did most of the other wolves in the pack who was listening all except Alpha. "I'm proud of you son you understand my words well.... A wolf isn't fur or claw but a heart of bravery power and wisdom!" Alpha chuckles pulling his son close and rubbing his head.
"I won't let you down dad..... I'll raise Night as the daughter I never was able to meet!" Link said with a smile to Midna who looked gobsmacked from the side as she wasn’t planned for this she expected Alpha to be against the plan.
"Link be a good dad to this cub and remember one day she will have to join her people again I can feel it! Promise me you will let her know where she's from!" Alpha said as he took link aside for a man on man talk.
"I promise dad on mum's grave I'll be the father you was to me!" Link promised looking down at night with a smile as he then picked her update in his maw by the scruff of her neck and taking her to begin her new life!
Okay. Let me break this down from the top.
Story Title and Description
Your capitalization is off through it all. The title should read, "The Nightmare Chronicles". And the only things that should be capitalized in the description are the first letters of the first word of a sentence, and proper nouns.
The Story
This was hard to slog through despite being only about 1000 words. There is little in the way of separating the dialogue, indentation. Additionally, there's a number of run-on sentences that need to be rewritten. The one that caught my eye the hardest was:
Now your dialogue. It is...dry. And most every bit of it ends in an exclamation mark. This creates a bit of a "Syndrome Effect".
cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder968/500x/56319968.jpg
It loses its significance the more common it is. There are ways to have a loud argument, while sparingly using the exclamation mark.
Based on the way this reads, I figure you are either rather young, or just starting to make your first steps at writing stories. I say this, because you tell the reader everything, rather than show them. Try to reveal details a bit at a time, and to build your characters up so the reader can get to know them. My advise is read "Twilight Sparkle vs. The Haunted Mailbox". The author captures and practically nails the characters, uses great use of showing, not telling, the reader what is happening, and develops the plot in a way that doesn't feel forced or hamfisted. The only issue I have with it is there's no indentation, but that's a stylistic choice and is relatively minor. Use this story as an example of really good writing. You also might consider looking at Viking ZX's user page. Along the right hand side, if you scroll down a little, he has a vast number of writing guide that have very sound writing tips and advice.
The purpose of this vector check isn't to discourage you from writing and releasing works, but to try and give you a nudge in the right direction. I was pretty horrible when I started out and I will say that it takes a while, but through practice, you will get better. Just stick with it.
7859638
Hey thank you for the advice to answer your query of to my shocking writing habits it's been a while and I am on exam year so I need to get back into shape plus I'm doing all this on a mobile device as my laptop is being fixed... When that happens I will go back and edit it in a more scrutinised manner
7859655 It's all good. Good luck!
7860640
Thanks
Hello there
Interesting idea you have there, I must admit. I like the details you managed to put there, just like the dragon plushie.
However, I'll be brutally honest with you.
There are some issues with the story, issues that make reading it really hard. However, all of those can be repaired or avoided, leaving only a good unflawed story.
First, the capitalization. Night's name starts with capital letter, words like 'everfree' or 'luna' should too.
Then there are mistakes such as:
Those happen from time to time, usually when you change your mind on certain word and then forget to delete the original. If you read carefully, word by word, you can catch them easily.
Next are some typos.
The place where trees grow is called forest. Your have there 'forrest', that could refer only to Forrest Gump, not wood.
Also, when you want to write about something that belongs to it, it should be its not 'it's' - that's abbreviation of 'it is'.
And now to the biggest problem. Overly long sentences. However, adding 'and' to them as someone here already told you won't really help. As I noticed, you tend to write normally like that, not just in stories. Really common issue, I had that too. It springs from the need to get all those damn ideas out of your head and move on. However, reading this 'stream of consciousness' is really hard and confusing, turning off most readers.
The secret of avoiding this is splitting the sentences.
I'll give you an example of what I have in mind, okay? Let's choose some sentence from this story:
Now here is my rewrite of it:
Not my best work, but I tried to stay as close to your wording as possible.
That's it all. Do you have any questions? If so, don't hesitate to ask, in comment or PM.
Good luck in your writing!
-Ever