Kidnapped 1-4.
(Contains SWEARING and GORE)
Chapters (21)
Jaiden
Joined 25th Oct, 2011 ·
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I haven't read it yet, but this sounds suspiciously like my story. I am thirteen, and I go to Equestria via hole in the ground. I'm serious. Did you read mine, and get inspired? Answer me!
So what if your 14? I'm 13! I'm still in Middle School and my writing is awesome!
Hah lol, if I saw that Rainbow Dash was hurt I'd be like.
"Omfgomfgomfgomfgomfgomdf, you alright, ohdlgodohgod, please tell me you're fine!" Aaaaand so on... I care about poniz.
This is... okay...
I'll wait 'til next chapter to vote or possibly track....
I'm just going to be blunt.
The chapter is waaaaay too short, you have no lead in as well as no follow through, things just came out of no where, you didn't pain a mental picture with your words, I got bored a few sentences in, not to mention Humans in Equestria is so over done, it isn't even funny any more. It's a little too early to tell, but it looks like it has the potential to be a Mary Sue fic (That's not good.), and I don't know you, but this looks like a self insertion.
I don't want to seem mean, but that's how I view it.
On a lighter note, don't let that stop you. If it makes you happy to write, then by god, you should write! It doesn't matter if it is original or not, or even well written, as long as you have fun.
I apologize if I came off as rude or mean, but I have a philosophy that negative feedback is better than positive. If I just said "Nice fic." or so, you would never learn, right? Instead, (I don't know about you, but I love this.) I focused on the negative. Instead of being satisfied with what you did right, you should try to improve on what was weak or lacking. You don't have to take my advice, and I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. You can't let everyone change your story, and if you feel strongly about it, it's your decision.
Happy writing
~Thundra
You can't just slap 200 words and call it a fan fic. This was not even a great topic on it, because, humans don't cross with ponies.
This.... can improve. (I think) Elaborate. I honestly don't get the whole idea of this story. Unless you'll throw in the experimenting, ext, I wouldn't call it a legit Fanfiction. Please Please elaborate! Make it longer! Don't be afraid to go into detail. Just work on it some more, possibly give it some more thought, and it possibly will turn out fairly better than this!
I want MOAR!
NOW!
46096
firstly it is incomplete, as can be seen under the chapter list.
second off...
he is the writer.
haters gonna hate.
writers gonna write.
ponies gonna pwn.
46075
I'd second Thunder.
More plz :3
Possibly by next week?
hope this is going to be atleast a weekly update :D
It wasn't the best, but it certainly wasn't the worst. And no, I'm not softening it up because your 14. I'm 14, and my story's been on EqDaily. Age has nothing to do with it.
46174 This is going to be a Every-Other-Day Update cus i get bored easily :P
And to everyone else Tortoise says tanks (seewhatididthar?) for commenting and for all of those people who say this was short.
its going to be added onto daily or Every-other-day so be gratefull.
Popular fics like Whiplash update like waaaaaaaaaaaay slow so yh :S
46096 You Obviously haven't read Whiplash or New Beginnings. they are BOTH good human in Equestria fics
I know you said that the updates were going to be frequent but that meant that they would be short.
However if you do it this way you are going to end up with 20+ chapters before actually getting anywhere.
That is if you write with sufficient detail and don't simply speed through a plot which would ruin it btw.
Still from what I've read so far the story shows promise, keep on truckin.
Yeah you should make them longer, 1000 characters will give the bronies a good read.
Yes, I agree completely. If you condensed the three chapters you have into one chapter, it'd give us something a bit meatier to get our teeth into. Don't go crazy: 1,000 words should be enough. 10,000? Save that for an epic one-shot or something. I still think I go a little overboard when I upload chapters of 5,000 or more.
Anyway, you have more writing skill than I did at 14. My English Literature came out at a C, and I was really happy with that; stuff like Maths and Science I managed A*s and As right through (heck, even German I got an A in).
Just pad out your stories a bit more; we don't mind waiting a little while for something good, and we'd rather wait for something good than be bombarded with something mediocre or bad. Not saying yours is bad, but it could do with some work: read some of the more well-known fics on here and try to pick up a few things that they do and you don't (or that you do and they don't). Keep at it, and you'll see improvement eventually; that should raise your ratings and reviews, and hopefully you'll aim to meet the new standards. If you do it right, it's a constant cycle of improvement until you give up.
46909 kk then
Do you guys want me to Un-Publish All three and make them into one or just extend the Up-coming ones?
Right well im going to go with the latter. Expect new chapters soon
Boom. Extended chapter. Happy reading!
Confusion!
Twilight suddenly decides that the open portal isn't a problem even though she can see a light through it and danders off to introduce him to her friends?
That just doesn't make sense. I like what you are doing with the story but it's kinda hard to overlook such a massive incongruity.
Anyway, I am enjoying the story please keep writing.
Ohshi- Never thought about it :S
It would have been a lot smoother and seemed less deus ex if you had mentioned the costume contest earlier, perhaps in the first chapter, just making an offhanded reference to it would have sufficed; but with just saying 'oh he just happened to have a ghillie suit with him' seems very strange and out of nowhere
Nice, expecting more from the rescue team!
48059 Already Sorted. Check out the first chapter!
48077 Things are going to get WEIRD
48124 Proving my own point
The birds where chirping, trees blowing in the wind, the sun shining, wildlife milling about nearby. He was also wearing a Camouflage outfit for a contest at school. Zac thought to himself; I love my life
why
48390 Why? WHY?
Its what we all do. For teh lulz.
Well.... It needs to be longer
But, that was fairly good.
48783 Working on it :3
Doing my best to keep the chapters 1,000+ Words.
Creepy rabbits 0o0o00o0o0
Nice. That was nice.
God dang it, Jake is a pussy, he's a rescurer for Christ sake! Man up! Use Old Spice!
49252 Problem?
Oh if anyone gets the reference in this chapter you get to choose what happens next (VIA PM)
The wooden rabbits are like the maniquens from nightmare house 2. That was the reference correct?
49271 Never played nightmare house 2 so no xD
PM me for it not in the comments please :3
@1st comment
@my pic
:3
Okay, first off. I'm going to be critical with my review. It is the only way to learn what went wrong, and how to fix it. I've been writing for a few years now (no MLP stories yet), and I remember my first critical review. It was harsh, but it taught me a lot. I'm very grateful for the man who did it, as I've grown a lot as a writer for it.
First thing, get some help with grammar. I lost count of all of the grammar mistakes. They ranged from not capitalizing "I" when referencing the first person, to capitalizing words that don't need to be, to dialogue grammar (and that's something a lot of people can't get right, so don't feel too bad. You're in good company making that error).
Second, I don't know what it's like in the UK, but in the US, a missing persons report can only be filed after the person has been missing for twenty-four hours. It seems really sudden that Zac's mom panics and files a missing persons report after what seems like a few hours of him being kidnapped by RD and Twilight. If it has been longer, make sure to mention that somewhere (like during the scene with the mother talking to the Police).
Third, Zac seems kinda Gery Stu. First he wakes up after being kidnapped and is worried that the person that kidnapped him fears him? I'm sorry but that doesn't make a lick of logical sense. If I were in his shoes, I'd be using that to get out of there (BTW: It's spelled Canine, K-9 referrers to a police dog, at least in the States). Second he makes nice with his kidnapper (in some cases a good idea, but only in certain extreme situations) and follows her around, without looking for a way to get back home... Again, not making a lot of sense. Third, he escapes from Twilight and Fluttershy and hides, and then turns around and thinks about staying with the very beings that want to experiment on him... Does Zac have problems with short term memory? It would be the only explanation for him suddenly wanting to stay despite everything that has happened...
Forth, overall this story is lacking in detail. All that I can see in my mind's eye is a white background with very basic looking characters (think stick figures) running around doing things. If you want to add length while not rushing through the plot, add detail about the environment. Describe the path, the other ponies, the buildings, the sky, anything and everything. The trick is to learn when there is too much detail, but that will come with experience.
Overall, this story has a lot of potential. It currently isn't living up to it, but it's there. Good luck with writing, and keep your head up. Just because I was fairly harsh with my criticism doesn't mean that you should stop writing, rather you should continue and learn from the critique.
49344 I'll be honest with you. Half of the things that you said (apart from detail) I never thought of. Google chrome usually corrects mistakes (it tried to correct Fluttershy to Butterscotch wtf?)
I have NO idea who or what Gery Stu is so correct me on that one. K-Nine was a shortened version of Canine (because C-Nine doesn't sound right) and yeah I agree with you on the police dog thing (Dr. Who has a dog called K-9 lul)
With the plot details, like Zac attempting to make friends with Twilight then hiding then wanting to stay he saw clips of the show beforehand whilst his sister was watching it so he knew they where sorta friendly but I'll go back and edit that sometime.
With the filing a missing person thing I have absolutely no clue what the time is, like I said im only 14, Law isn't my thing :L
I'll try to remember these things for the sequel :D (Yes there is going to be a sequel)
PS. (to Americans) Colour. Umad?
Contest is over. Reference was; -The rescue operator - formally known as Jake, entered his dark decent into,-
Amnesia: The dark decent.
go to my blog to my youtube page to see my demo playthrough
49531 for the P.S.
. that says it.
49579 :3
49531 Yeah, that's why I don't trust any browser's spelling/grammar checker. I just use a word processor's. It usually is more correct than a web browser's (but it still ain't perfect).
Gery Stu = a story character that doesn't seem to have a personality (Gery Stu = male version of a Mary Sue). We don't know anything about Zac. We pretty much only know that he exists and is willing to live in a world were they want to experiment on him instead of going back home to his family... Your reasoning is still somewhat flawed. That was a TV show, and this is "real life". Not everything in a TV show reflects what happens in real life. (Real life in the essence of what the fictional character is "living" through).
In writing a story, never use a shortened form of a word, with some exceptions. Example, if you're typing up a newspaper clipping that a character is reading, then go ahead. It's bad form, and sometimes you use the wrong form and it makes you look stupid (there were a few stories I've read where someone would use the wrong shortened form of a word
it actually is quite embarrassing).
The only reason I even know that is because I had heard it in passing, and in a few other areas. Never needed to fill one out myself, thankfully.
PS: As long as you spell it tire, we'll be fine
49621 'PS: As long as you spell it tire, we'll be fine'
Wut?
49664 Lol, tyre = tire, lol.
49621 The only reason i used K-Nine is if you say it it sounds like Canine so yh.
49672 Again, it's bad form when writing a story. I've seen people do it, but I've never seen it in any professional book or well done fic.
49668 still dont get it :S
49803 tyre = tire, colour = color.