• Published 31st Dec 2016
  • 5,477 Views, 225 Comments

The Cute One - No one is home

The Cutie Mark Crusaders approach Spike with the most important question ever... who is 'the cute one'.

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The Cute One

“What did you say, again?” Sweetie Belle smiled happily, unaware of the sudden tension in the club house. Or the subtle tone in Apple Bloom's voice.

“I said you're the smart one, Scootaloo is the athletic one, and I’m the cute one.”Sweetie Belle repeated cheerfully.

“Yeah right!” Scootaloo laughed back at Sweetie Belle. “More like I’M the cute one, you're the sweet one, and Applebloom is the tough one.”

“Wait just a danged minute!” Applebloom stamped her hoof angrily on the floor. “‘Smart one’? ‘Tough One’?”

“Yeah, obviously,” Scootaloo grinned and replied, Sweetie Bell nodding in agreement, “That’s why you’re the leader of the gang. Because your the smart-tough one.”

“Ah’m starting to notice a pattern here.” Apple Bloom glared at her two friends. “Are ya’ll sayin’ that you both think you’re both cuter than me? Because Ah’m pretty damned cute. In fact if there was a list of cuteness of the top ten cute things from EVERY universe, then I would be on it! Ah’m the cute one, Scootaloo is the awesome one, and Sweetie Belle is the sweet one! It’s right there in her danged name!”

“Well, yeah, I’m awesome!” Scootaloo shot back. “I’m awesome at being cuter than you!”

“Well, if you’re so darned cute then why ain’t you got a special somepony?” Applebloom sneered. “I’ve got Tender Taps, Sweetie has Button Mash…”

“Hey! Button is NOT my special somepony!” Sweetie Belle broke in. “We just hang out… And I guess he has a little bit of crush, you know, because I’m the cute one.”

“Hey! I totally made out with Snips behind the schoolhouse! That counts!” Scootaloo argued.

“We both know Snips made that up to impress Snails.” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “You don’t even know what making out is.”

“That’s not the point!” Scootaloo fluttered her wings angrily. “He said he made out with ME because it was impressive because I’m the cute one.”

“Ah’m a pretty little clumsy pony-ballerina with a country accent,” Apple Bloom said coldly, “Ah am cuteness southern fried in adorable. I! Am! The! Cute! One!”

“Uh, I’m kinda sorry I said anything.” Sweetie stammered. “Can we just all agree that all three of us are insanely cute?”

“NO!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo screamed in unison.

“We are taking this to Ponyville’s highest authority on pony attractivity!” Scootaloo snarled.

“Attractivity isn’t even a word ya danged ostrich!” Apple Bloom sneered.

“Ostrich? Really? That’s the best you could come up with?” Scootaloo raised a skeptical eyebrow. “But that’s not the point. The point is we need to take this to higher authority!”


“Hello, girls.” Starlight Glimmer opened the door of friendship castle and smiled at the gathered crusaders. “None of your sisters are here at the moment, They’re all off with Twilight on friendship business. They should be back in a half an hour or so.”

“That’s okay, Miss Glimmer. We’re here to see Spike. Is he in?” Sweetie Belle replied politely.

Starlight was internally a little taken aback. She couldn’t think of even once that she had seen Spike hang out with the Crusaders, or any ponies his own age really. What she said was simply, “I’ll go get him for you.”

“Ah don’t like this.” Apple Bloom glowered at Scootaloo.

“Hey, we need somepony to make the call right?” Scootaloo grinned. “Why not Spike? I mean, he’s about our age, so it won’t be weird and creepy. And Spike hangs out with a bunch of really cute mares all the time, so obviously he knows his ‘cute’.”

“But what if he thinks we have a crush on him or something?” Sweetie Belle interjected. “That could make it really awkward, especially given how he moons over my sister all the time.”

“It’s not gonna be weird. Trust me.” Scootaloo grinned even wider.

“What’s not gonna be weird?” Spike sounded a little scared. “Should I walk back inside?”

“Spike! Just the dragon we were looking for.” Scootaloo bounced forward as Starlight closed the castle door leaving Spike outside to meet his doom. “Me and the girls were having this little disagreement that we were hoping you could help us out with.”

“What kind of disagreement?” Spike somehow knew that he wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Which one of us is the cute one?” Sweetie Belle blushed and looked aside.

“Ya ain gotta help if’n ya don’t wanna.” Apple Bloom smiled shyly and blinked her saucer sized eyes.

“But everypony knows your Ponyville’s greatest expert on attractivity.” Scootaloo circled Spike quickly brushing him with her tail as she passed. “Which is why I suggested that we should come to you.”

“Okay Scootaloo, now your outright flirting with Spike!” Apple Bloom glared at her friend.

“There’s no rule that says you can’t flirt with the judge!” Scootaloo countered.

“Well there is now!” Apple Bloom put her hoof down. “Ah’ve got a colt friend and Sweetie Belle doesn’t want to make things weird with her sister! That would give you an unfair advantage!”

“Actually I don’t think I want any of you flirting with me just to win a bet.” Spike said, more than a little annoyed. “That’s more than a little insulting. I’m going back inside.”

“Wait! Spike! I’m sorry!” Scootaloo hastily circled in front of Spike, blocking his escape. “Come on you gotta help us settle this!”

“Can’t you all just agree that all three of you are incredibly cute.” Sike suggested, then caved in to trio of glares he received in answer. “Fine… Apple Bloom make your case.”

“Well, Ah think Ah’m the cutest because Ah’m like the quintessential little sister. And I’m growing up enough for colts to notice and be like, ‘Yep she’s cute’. But still young enough that you just want to cuddle me and protect me from the world. Come on Spike, you can’t look me in these eyes and tell me you don’t want to cuddle me and protect me from the world?” Spike only barely escaped from those glassy windows of the abyss with a powerful shudder.

“Wow, Apple Bloom.” Spike shook his head quickly to clear it. “That was a really good case. Sweetie Belle?”

“Well I’m pretty much innocence and enthusiasm ponified. I’m super fun to be around, and I’m super nice. You know you want to kiss me, but you’re a little afraid to because, what if it’s my first kiss?” Sweetie Belle kissed Spike on the cheek and giggled.

“Hey! Ah thought we agreed no flirting with the judge!” Apple Bloom glared at the unicorn.

“I don’t think any of us actually agreed to that.” Sweetie Belle smirked. “Besides that wasn’t flirting it was a kiss on the cheek. Innocent and adorable, just like me.”

“I think you broke him, Sweetie.” Scootaloo complained. “Hey, Spike! Snap out of it! It’s my turn!”

“Oh right! Sorry Scootaloo.” Spike blinked quickly while he contemplated his escape from this madness.

“Well, I’m the cutest because I’m a super-awesome stunt filly who excels despite her limitations!” Scootaloo leaned in close. “And if you pick me I’ll totally make out with you behind the castle!”

“Darn it Scootaloo that is DEFINITELY out of bounds!” Applebloom stomped her hoof angrily. “Besides you don’t even know what making out is!”

“That’s not the point! I bet Spike knows!” Scootaloo argued back.

“Uh girls…” Sweetie Belle interjected.

“WHAT?!?!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo shouted in unison.

“Spike made a run for it.” Sweetie Belle responded with a shrug.

“Huh, Ah guess he just couldn’t handle the cute.” Apple Bloom said flatly.

“Now how am I supposed to learn what making out is?” Scootaloo huffed as she kicked the ground.

Author's Note:

Liked it? Hated it? Let me know in the comments.

Also, there IS such a list and Apple Bloom IS on it: