A Collaborative Cavalcade of Cocktails and Comedy

by Crystal Moose

Something About Hoity - Crystal Moose

Oh, the pageantry! The sophistication! The spectacle!

Two of those things were not something Rarity had ever thought of when it came to a party organised by Pinkie Pie. The third thing though… well, Pinkie Pie was definitely making a spectacle of herself—at least tonight.

It was… refreshing… Rarity told herself, to not be the one in charge of organising the Gala this year. She certainly had enough on her plate in preparation for the eve. Her newfound reputation led to many a mare desiring to wear her fashion to the Gala (along with a few ponies daring to wear cheap knock-offs!), which left her sorely lacking in the time it took to organise such a sophisticated event.

She hadn’t even had the time to find a date for the evening.

Not that she normally cared about that sort of thing, but ever since he had gotten engaged… well, she couldn’t let him show her up.

I mean, who cares, really, if Blueblood has up and gotten engaged to some Countess? Certainly not me! Certainly not enough to go and ask the first recently-single stallion who’d walked into my boutique looking for a graduation gown for his daughter. Spoiled Rich’s loss, my gain!

She looked over at her date. Filthy Rich certainly was a handsome cut of a stallion. And he is rich; it’s in his name, after all. And he had been nothing but a gentlecolt since she had asked him to accompany her to the gala.

“Miss Rarity, I can’t thank you enough!” Filthy Rich exclaimed as he led Rarity by the hoof to the ballroom. “I’ve never been to a Gala before.”

“Really?” Rarity asked. It was quite surprising, as while tickets to the gala were indeed rare and expensive, Filthy seemed to Rarity very much like the kind of stallion that would frequent such an event. Contacts amongst the elite were the only way to keep ahead in any business in Equestria.

“Yes,” he replied, nodding. “My dear ex-wife loved to attend these galas, though she often insisted on coming alone.” Rarity quieted down. She had learned early on that Spoiled Rich was a hot button topic for the stallion. “Always said I’d never fit in. That I’d be an embarrassment to her.”

A waiter passed by, and Rarity levitated two flutes of wine from the stallion’s tray. She needed to diffuse Filthy’s growing agitation, else he would be embarrassing somepony!

“Well,” Rarity said, levitating the glass to Filthy, who took it in his hooves, “I don’t think you’re an embarrassment, and I think I am very lucky to have you accompany me. To a wonderful night out!”

Rarity lifted her glass to her lips, waiting for Filthy to raise his own. When she looked, she noticed Filthy’s attention was elsewhere.

“Mr. Rich?” she said.

“Oh, sorry, Miss Rarity,” Filthy apologised.

“No need to apologise,” Rarity said, a coy smile on her face. “I was just toasting: to a wonderful night out!”

“Yes,” Filthy said, raising his own glass to his lips. “To a wonderful night out!”

“Prince Blueblood,” Rarity said, with a forced smile. “How pleasant to see you.” She turned to the—surprisingly porcine—mare who stood with the Prince. “And this must be your fiancée?”

“Yes, this is Lady Constance de Coverlet,” Blueblood replied. “Lady Constance, this is Dame Rarity of Ponyville.”

“Ahh, Countess, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure,” Rarity said, extending her hoof to the mare.

“Believe me, my dear,” Lady Constance replied, elbowing her fiancé, “neither have I.”

Blueblood coughed sharply, turning a bright shade of red. He turned to Filthy, giving the stallion a crucial eye. “Have I met you somewhere before?”

Filthy Rich avoided the prince’s gaze. “No, Your Highness, I’m certain we haven’t.”

“No, I didn’t think so,” the prince replied, turning his nose up. “I don’t normally associate with earth ponies… No offense intended, of course.”

“None taken,” Filthy replied, gritting his teeth.

“So,” Blueblood said, turning his attention away from the other stallion, “Dame Rarity, your partner certainly seems… older… than you are. By some years, I might imagine.”

“And your partner seems more—” Rarity stopped herself, before she could say something that might ruin her hard fought for reputation. “—generous… a mare than I’d have expected you with.”

“Yes, well, Auntie insisted that I—”

Blueblood paused mid-sentence, then turned back to Filthy Rich. His eyes went wide as dinner plates.

“Well it was lovely to meet you both but my fiancée and I must depart have a good evening!”

Before anypony could get another word in, Blueblood dragged his fiancée away, an impressive feat given her size.

“What was that all about?” Rarity asked.

“I have no idea,” Filthy Rich replied, his brow knit in a frown.

“Ahh, Miss Rarity!”

As the stallion crossed the ballroom floor, ponies made certain to get out of his way.

“Hoity!” Rarity squealed, before she placed a dainty kiss on the stallion’s cheek. “Oh, it is so good to see you.”

“Yes, yes,” the stallion replied, clopping his hooves. An attendant—evidently one of his own—placed a cushion underneath his rump as the stallion sat down. “Tell me, my dear, how has your boutique been? Are you ready to leave that dreary little village and join us here in Canterlot full-time yet?”

“N-no, not quite yet, Hoity,” Rarity responded, a slight blush crossing her face.

“There’s nothing wrong with running a successful business in Ponyville,” Filthy Rich interjected.

“Hello,” Hoity said, pulling his frames away from his face. “Who’s this?”

“Ahh, Hoity Toity, I’d love to introduce you to my date for tonight,” Rarity said, stepping aside. “Filthy Rich, Hoity Toity. Hoity Toity, Filthy Rich.”

“Charmed, I’m sure.” Hoity looked the stallion over. “So, I presume you run a business in Ponyville, then?”

“Businesses all around Equestria, actually,” Filthy replied. “Barnyard Bargains: twenty stores across seventeen locations.”

“A self-made stallion, then?” Hoity asked. “I must say, I am impressed.”

“Rarity!”

The three (along with Hoity’s attendants) were startled by the sudden arrival of a rather frazzled-looking alicorn princess.

“T-twilight? Are you okay, dear?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Look, I need your help.”

“Umm, certainly, dear. Let me just—”

“No time! Follow me!”

“I’ll catch up with you later, Filthy. It was lovely seeing you again, Hoity!”

“Well that was a colossal waste of my time,” Rarity grumbled as she stalked back to find Filthy Rich. “The things I do for that mare!”

Rarity looked around, unable to find where her date had gone. She could see neither hide-nor-hair of Filthy Rich, nor of Hoity Toity. She did manage to spy one of Hoity’s attendants, still carrying around the pillow the stallion of fashion had been seated on before.

What was his name?

Rarity coughed politely, trying to attract the stallion’s attention.

“Can I help you, honey?” he asked.

“Yes, I was just wondering… you see… my date was here, talking with Hoity Toity before I had to dash off on a quick little errand for the Princess. And you see, now I can’t find him. You wouldn’t have happened to have seen where he went?”

The stallion raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, I saw him alright, hon.”

“Oh, that’s marvelous! Where did he go?”

The stallion pointed towards where the restrooms were. “They went into the facilities over there, about twenty minutes ago. I’m sure they won’t be long now.”

“Oh, thank you!” Rarity said, smiling. “I’ll just wait here then.”

Rarity watched as Hoity Toity and Filthy Rich left the restroom together. Hoity Toity smiled at her, as they crossed the floor, though Filthy Rich seemed to be avoiding eye contact.

“There you are!” Rarity beamed. “I was looking all over for you.”

“S-sorry to keep you waiting, Miss Rarity,” Filthy replied, still avoiding her eyes.

“Thank you so very much, Miss Rarity, for introducing me to this fine stallion,” Hoity said. “I’m certain our future…business ventures… will go swimmingly, all thanks to you.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” Rarity squealed. “I’m so glad the two of you have hit it off so well! Oh, Filthy, dear, you seem to have something in your ma—”

Rarity stared intently at the liquid dripping from the stallion’s mane.

“Please tell me that is zap apple jam,” she whispered.

“Non!” Hoity shouted. “I really am that fabulous! I will see you next week, yes?” Filthy Rich silently nodded. “Then I shall wait ‘til then!”

Hoity Toity trotted off, a certain spring in his step, but not before whapping Filthy Rich on the flank with his tail.

“S-sorry, Rarity,” Filthy Rich whispered, keeping away from Rarity’s gaze. “I should have told you the truth from the start.”

“It is fine, Filthy,” Rarity said, before turning away. “Just so long as I am not the one who has to tell Diamond Tiara that she has a spare daddy.”

Author's Note:

Not part of the Royalsverse. Maybe even its antithesis. Still love you, Cola and Ein. Really.

Comments

[Crystal Moose]

An extra chapter today, because I realised I forgot to publish yesterday.

[JetstreamGW]

7838920 they're talkin', I say, they're talkin' bout pissin', son!

[Level Dasher]

7838920
Foghorn Leghorn over here (7839303) nailed it. I'm glad someone actually appreciated that humor.