"Collect moments, not things"
- Unknown
"It is only in adventure that some people succeed in in knowing themselves - finding themselves"
- Andre Gide
These words are the life's story of one young mare and her closest friend, who together will discover exactly what it means to follow their hearts. Through daring adventures, incredible discoveries, and impossible challenges, an unexpected bond will be formed: one stronger than can ever be broken by distance or time.
Through this bond, mementos of the past become treasures of the future, and new revelations on old knowledge becomes the basis for a cross-time adventure nopony will ever forget.
This, my friends, is a story all should behold. Prepare yourself to live through the young life of this daring mare and her best friend.
Say hello, to Naga and Eclipse, your new old love.
~ ~ ~
Collab story between pikammd and Eclipse Monsoon, featuring two of our favorite OC's and many more. Also the prequel to Naga's story, which is not yet published.
(Description later to be updated)
Very Special Highly Thanked “Suffocated with Appreciation” Editor list!
~ Malozi
This story won't be confusing, will it? I HATE those kind of stories.
7846106 I'm afraid I can't say because I don't know what you'll mean. Can you explain what you mean by that?
Story-wise, it's a good beginning. We learn about the characters, their abilities and basic personal traits. Nice foundation. I'll keep an eye out for next chapters
However, there are a few things I'd like to point out:
1) Inconsistency. Mostly includes shifting between past and present tense - choose just one. But also when Naga first sees Eclipse, she refers to him with he/him a few times and suddenly "he or she was...".
This last is a minor one, but honestly I don't see much use in starting with third peson only to permanently switch into a first person. The foyer of the temple could easily be described from Naga's point of view.
2) Overly long sentences. Just like this:
I had to read it twice to understand and halfway through the paragraph I already didn't remember a thing from it as there was a bunch of similar sentences. This is a problem many writers (including myself) experience. You simply want to get all the information of your chest in the fastest way possible. In the end, it results in those long sentences confusing the readers, the more touchy ones turning away immediately.
When this happens with description, the reader doesn't really know what's going on and gets bored. For example I still can't imagine how does the wooden pole contraption work.
However, this can cause even more troubles once it gets into some dramatic scene. Remember: The bigger tension, the shorter sentences. Longer sentences slow the pace. It's not possible to always have all of them really short, but prolong only when necessary for understanding of the surroundings. Here is a little example of short sentence use:
I wish you luck in your next writing!
-Ever
7847485 Thank you very much for such a detailed response!
And I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!
I have been trying to get tenses lined up. It's a personal struggle point of mine that I'm trying to work on, and it's not usually this bad but the first person point of view makes it a bit harder. I haven't done a ton in first person before, so I will continue to work on that, thanks.
As for saying "him" before knowing his gender, in general, if a gender is unknown and using "he or she" a hundred times is beyond practical, he is used as a filler. At least, this is what I was taught/have noticed, but they may be other ways around this that I do not know yet. If you happen to know one, I'd love to hear it.
As for the first part being in third person and long, I honestly am stuck on how to make it shorter and first. You say it's easy to see, but I can't see it. Perhaps you could email me how you see it working? I would really appreciate that.
As for the next section of your comment, yes, again this is a problem I struggle on. It's mostly in the character description though, I've noticed. (That I get overly lengthy sentences and descriptions are... forgettable, so to speak.) I know I like an immediate picture of a character so I try to make that happen in my writing. Seems I haven't found a good way to do that yet. XD I do get better about that as it moves on though.
Have you ever put a tent together? One that comes with a bag of short poles with a string inside of them that snaps together to make the frame? It's that but wooden and snaps instead of metal and string.
Thank you again for the examples. I'll be sure to look back at them when I work on more chapters and consider what you've said. Again, thank you SO much for such a detailed comment, and I hope you continue to enjoy this story!
~ pika
7847539 You are welcome
Well, "they" or "the pony" is usually used for refering to unknown characters. I will make sure to send you some of my suggestions. Sadly, I'm particullary busy these days with helping a few friends with their stories, so if I forget, please remind me in a PM of yourself, okay?
Ah, I see with the pole. I meant it more like for what Naga used it, but it was a bad wording on my side.
7847569 Sounds like a plan. ^-^ I'll be sure to send a reminder in a bit if it is needed.
The pole wasn't an easy one to describe I admit. But it made a good way to get inside quick and away from the door.
Hm... not as enjoyable as the previous, I have to admit. You see, the first chapter was packed with crazy action, new lore and interesting details on the characters and their gear. This one has just two characters full of themselves arguing and jumping over every fact, only to drunk themselves later or go on a spiral, thinking that the other might have actually been right and they somehow find them special... sigh, how unexpected.
I have to applaud you on keeping of the tenses this time and keeping the sentences simple; the description were perfectly understandable. Also, what's exactly Naga's backstory and her CM meaning? That small portion of explanation didn't actually explain much.
7924479 Can't be all action. Gotta develop characters at some point, and the semi-normalicy of a common pony's life will give perspective for what's coming next. Don't worry, more action is on it's way.
Plus, nopony is perfect. Gotta argue a bit. If everypony got along it would be way too easy a world. 
Plus, everything is a common cliche of some sort. There's literally no getting away from it.
And the drunk thing was not my idea but it opens up to a funny in later chapters.
Thank you for the compliment. I tried to pay special attention to that. ^-^ In the writing, I tried to get across that she gave the shortest version she could about her mark. Later, we'll get the actual story, so that's something to look forward to!
And thank you for reading!
7924641 Well, I'm sorry if my words came over as that of person that seeks only action. That was not my intention. I mostly meant the lack of 'originality' - as you said, this chapter was one big common cliche. The repetitive argument about who is right, ending with a bad joke (secong option was a monster chasing both of them), ending with the characters somehow liking each other... no, you surely can't find that in every second story or movie...
Writer should either avoid cliches or exploit them. Once the argument started, it was almost clear the plot will go this route. In that moment, you can use some character to re-route the talk, let something really unexpected happen (please not a Timberwolf barreling at them, that is not original) and see the characters react. Another option is to enlighten the talk by actions infused in the text - for example they could travel by boat (somehow) - that open up many actions to do during the talk, like angry pulling on ropes, stubborn focus on the steering wheel... All of these options spice up the story with something new, something that wasn't done before that much and all offer many opportunities for the character's personality to shine.
A great moment where you managed to do it in this story is the part with Rockies. The reader expects her to have only some object as a friend, hah, that's common, just remember Wilson from Cast Away. Yet, later we learn this is already her fourth pet and that she remembers and thinks about the fates of the previous ones. That is original.
7925791
Oh don't mind that, we all make mistakes. Actually both me and pika kinda did misunderstand at first, but it's alright.
Also that part about the cliché, it was a good idea at the time.
We'll take all these suggestions you gave and try to use them, thanks!
Now that, that was a great and funny idea coming from pika. I guess we'll both have to better our originality.
Thanks for clearing that up and for once more, helping both of us. In case you're wondering, yeah, I'm the guy collaborating with pika for this.
7926422 You're welcome. I was a little asleep when writing that first comment, so the misunderstanding is mostly my fault. Still, I'm glad I can help with advice.
On a side note, was it just me or is Eclipse in the story obsessed with dark beer and its color?
7926434
Trust me, beer is Eclipse's best friend, especially considering his past
7925791 Apologies for the late reply. College had been keeping me busy.
Also, sorry if I came across as scolding or unhappy or something of that ilk when I said it can't all be adventure. I was attempting to make a joke. I really need to stop trying to be funny, it never works, lol. Hope I didn't start any hard feelings there.
As for the rest of it, yeah, we felt like playing with cliches. Why not? MLP is full of them.
And we're out to enjoy ourselves more than anything. Writing a hopefully good story is just a really nice bonus! 
Otherwise, as Eclipse said, all good ideas we will keep in mind. And no worries - I have a bit of a thing against Timberwolves as well. If they have any part, it'll be a small one.
I'm afraid I don't get the cast away reference, but I'll assume it's something similar to a person alone on an island having a coconut only as a friend. It sounds like that type of... show? Please correct me if I'm wrong! I'm glad you got a kick out of the rest of the Rockies. That, I think will ALWAYS be one of my favorite parts.
Yeah... Wish us both luck on the beer matter. XD I forsee it being quite the "problem" in the future.
And also, so not the only obsession...
But not the kind you're expecting. Hehe...
And thanks again! I love all the input you're giving us!