Star Wars: The Snuggle Protocol

by Barrobroadcaster

Chapter 3: The Empire of Love

Twilight trotted back up to Rena as they all continued down the street. "Hey, um, there's something we need to investigate. On our own."

Rena looked over her shoulder, not breaking a stride. "What is that?"

"Well, it's about the raid," Twilight said. Rena stopped and slowly turned to face her, her squadron doing the same. "There's just something that doesn't feel... right about it, is all."

The dark-skinned human nodded. "I know what you mean." She looked up at the Star Destroyer over their heads. "We've all been fighting this war for a long time. Sometimes, we do wish we could stop."

"She's not speaking for all of us."

"Shut it, Grex. The point is, being a rebel is not easy," she said, placing a hand on Twilight's shoulder. "The Empire's tactics don't always make sense and sometimes, we do make mistakes. But they've done some horrible things, Twilight, to people all over the galaxy. We can't let them get away with that."

"She's right," Sonders added. "Alderaan, Kashyyk, Blockbuster- the Empire's committed a lot of crimes and the list keeps getting longer."

"Wait, Blockbuster?" Pinkie asked, surprised.

"You ever wonder why they all went outta business?"

She shrugged. "Not really. I figured other stuff like Netflix just kinda made them obsolete."

"And who do you think came up with Netflix?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her. He answered for her, whispering, "The Empire."

"The Empire was behind Netflix?"

He nodded. "Netflix, Facebook, iPhones exploding, DC movies sucking, the Bermuda Triangle, the list goes on. The Empire's been behind it all, always have been."

"Wow," Pinkie said, eyes wide.

"And you guys have evidence of all of this?" Twilight asked.

"Better," Sonders said. "We have a hunch. A really, really good hunch."

"Ohhhh," Twilight said, nodding. "I understand." And in the back of her head, she thought, These guys are fucking dumb or fucking nuts. Probably both.

"We have more than hunches," Rena sternly corrected her comrade. "We know the Empire is responsible for horrible acts, Twilight Sparkle. And we did have intelligence that the Empire was building very dangerous weapons in that factory."

"I understand," Twilight said, taking the human's hand with her hoof. "I just need to know for sure." Looking back now, they hadn't been uncertain a few days ago when they planned the bombing raid. The Empire had built the pyramid-soap plant illegally, forbid ponies from access and inquiry to the area but still, they hadn't done anything overtly hostile. Rainbow Dash was meant to infiltrate the facility to determine what was being done inside and plant the beacon on top if what they were doing was a threat to Equestria.

But somewhere between plan and execution, something had gone wrong. And now, they weren't so sure what they had done was right. The Rebels were positive they were right, the Empire was certain they were right, only Twilight and her friends felt somewhere in the middle.

"We do whatever is necessary. For freedom, for the Alliance, for everyone," Rena said, still confident. "It's what we have to do."

Twilight looked back at her, eyes full of crystal-clear doubt. "You have to blow up soap factories?"

"I think we're done here," AJ said. "C'mon there, Twilight. Let's leave the... these guys to their missions and what-not. We'll see y'all later."

"It was a pleasure meeting you all!"

"Yeah, it was fun! Later!" Rarity and Rainbow Dash waved as they departed. Twilight and friends left, leaving the bipeds to contemplate their own next moves.

Rena checked her chrono. "Get back to base, grab some R&R before mission prep."

"Awww," Grex moaned. "We're in a town. Why can't we just get some R&R here?"

"This is an occupied town," Avin reminded him, "so the longer we're here, the greater our odds of being discovered."

"Never tell me the odds!" Timmy's dad yelled. "The odds are for Dinkleberg! I will get him, and his odds eventually! Do you hear me, Dinkleberg?!" He shook his Butch Hartman-drawn fist at the Star Destroyer hovering over the town. The rest of the squad stared at Timmy's dad, mixtures of concern and disappointment on their faces.

"Okay, yeah, I see why we'd kind of standout here," Grex admitted.

A trio of TIE Strikers flew overhead, engines screeching as they flew over the town. They were following a group of pegasi and being followed by a few more. In fact, it almost looked like the ponies were playing the fighters. The shadows of the fighters crossed over them, the lead edge obscuring Rena for just a brief second as they flew over. She didn't take her eyes off the TIEs even once. "Let's get back to base."

Part of the Rebel Alliance Fleet, dubbed Taskforce Defiance, was located just behind Equestria's moon. The taskforce had been locked in a game of cat-and-mouse with elements of the local Imperial fleet. Every time the Imperial ships chased the Rebels behind the moon, the Rebels would move just a little bit further around the moon, using line-of-sight to prevent firing solutions. It absolutely infuriated the Imperial captains but, at the same time, the Rebels weren't able to launch large-scale operations without the Imperials swooping in to stop them. So, the Rebels established an outpost in the Everfree Forest's ruins to use as a temporary base.

The fleet-to-outpost gave Gold/Bold Squadron the ability to work directly with ground teams and informants like Commander Reknaw. This allowed them to coordinate their attacks more effectively. Of course, they also had to make it through town each time.

"This sucks," Grex stated flatly.

"What- the fact we got bad intel or the fact the Empire's blaming us for it?" Brullen asked.

Grex looked up, sneering. "It's everything." Ponyville had drastically changed since contact with the greater galaxy. There were still plenty of ponies and the iconic cottages and houses they lived in, but there were now aliens, too. Not many of them, but a few bipedal aliens, other humans and even droids walked and hovered throughout the town, enough to be noticed. And where there was a lot of activity, there was the Empire.

Stormtroopers marched through the streets on patrol, some with their own probe droids following them. But they weren't doing what the Empire normally did; in a few places, they were behaving very differently. Rena led the others passed a couple stormtroopers that were showing off their weapons to ponies. As they turned the corner onto Mane Street, they even passed a few ponies who were helping a trooper put up a poster. A propaganda poster against the Rebellion.

Grex stopped to watch them for a moment. One of the stormtroopers, a captain, held up a filly by the midsection so she could tape down the top corner of the poster. He then sat her down and patted her on the back, a job well done. The poster read: FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS REBEL. JOIN THE EMPIRE- SAVE THE PUPPIES.

"Oh, COME ON!" Grex exclaimed. He stomped right over to the poster now that the troopers had left. "Can you even believe this?!"

"Lieutenant!" Avin, his wingman said, grabbing his shoulder.

Before he could shake him off, Rena had already about-faced to him. "That's enough, Grex."

"I joined the Rebellion to be a hero! Now look at us! Look! We're puppy killers. We killed puppies."

Rena sighed. "It's just propaganda. They're just trying to hurt us, make us look like the bad guys. Twilight examined the remains and there were no puppies there- just soap."

"Yeah, this time," Grex grumbled.

"I'm getting pretty tired of your insubordination, Lieutenant Corsa."

"Geez cap, gotta bust me down in front of everyone?" he said, folding his arms.

Rena, despite being shorter than the man, put her hand on his shoulder. She knew she had to get through to him and this was the only way. "I'm gonna be honest with you. I didn't see this coming either. But I'm here with you."

"Are you two gonna kiss now?" Brullen asked.

Sonders pushed his shoulder. "Why? Mad you're not getting any yourself?" The pair joked, the rest of the squad chuckled.

Grex wasn't just the squad's second-in-command; he was also Rena's boyfriend. He smiled at her, though they wouldn't kiss in front of the rest of the squadron, much less in the middle of an occupied town. He patted her hand on his shoulder, nodding, his way of saying "Thanks." Grex knew that she only let him get away with so much just because she was his girlfriend, but he also knew they needed each other. They all needed each other, especially now.

"We'll get through this. Together."

Grex smiled. "Thanks, Rena."

And she smiled back. She turned around and came face-to-face with another group of stormtroopers.

"Hold it right there!"

"All of you, freeze! No one move!" they ordered, guns raised at them. All twelve of them raised their hands and slowly turned to face them.

"Well, good morning, officers! What seems to be the problem?" Timmy's dad asked.

"Problem?" the lead trooper, a captain asked. "I'll tell you exactly what the problem is." He walked right over to them. They were all armed with at least a concealed blaster on them, standard issue, but with their hands up and the stormtroopers' E-11's aimed at them, they wouldn't be able to do much good. Even if they all drew their own weapons, some of them were bound to get shot. Grex was at an even worse disadvantage: he wasn't good with a pistol so he kept an A-295g rifle strapped to his back under his coat. If they found the standard Rebel rifle on him, that would give them all away.

The trooper captain stopped just short of Timmy's dad. For a brief moment, neither of them did or said anything. The trooper's visored helmet stared imperceptibly back at him, and Timmy's dad recoiled nervously. The trooper pointed an armored finger at him.

"It's pretty hot out here. And you're not wearing your standard protection gear."

"Is... is that a problem?"

The trooper nodded. "You bet it is." He grabbed something from his lower backpack. Instinctively, Rena reached for her sidearm in her hidden hip holster. She took one deep breath, touched the blaster and prepared to whip it out and fire.

"You don't have a hat on." The trooper spun back around and put a hat on Timmy's dad's head. "There you go."

"Oh. Thanks!"

"Sky-blue so it doesn't absorb heat. You're welcome," the trooper said. The hat was a blue cap, the Imperial icon emblazoned in the front with the words 'Empire of Love' above it.

"Say, you guys wouldn't happen to like ice cream would you?" The captain spun around and the two other troopers approached his backpack. A moment later, they turned back around with ice cream cones. "Because we have over six-million flavors."

Grex, still behind Rena, raised his hand. "I like ice cream!" She elbowed him in the gut. "Ow! What?"

"How about you there, kiddo?" one said, a female trooper that approached Sonders. "Wanna try the decadent indulgence that is Dark-side Delight? It's the darkest of dark chocolate."

Sonders was the tactical officer of the squadron. His job was to analyze situations, help develop strategies and make sure the squad executed them properly. So, he used a tactic to diffuse the current situation. "Sorry, I'm... lactose intolerant."

"It's lactose-free."

Fuck. "I'm... trying to watch my weight, thanks," he said, patting his stomach. Sonders was actually one of the more physically fit members of the team, liked to jog before and after missions. Still, he smiled and nodded to try and sell the excuse.

"It's sugar-free and non-fat."

"And delicious!"

Sonders felt his defense withering under the tempting assault. The ice cream was in direct sunlight and didn't show any signs of melting. Realizing he was out of excuses, he reached for the ice cream cone.

"Sam, no!" Rena said, grabbing the cone for herself. They all looked at her, even the stormtroopers. "I... like chocolate," she said. Reluctantly, she took a tiny bite. "Mmm, good," she said. She had intended to say the words whether or not they were true, but they had, surprisingly, been very true. Her mind screamed at her to spit it out, that it was some trick or some new Imperial truth serum or mind control agent in the ice cream but it tasted good. Really, really good. She couldn't help but take another bite. "This is really good."

"Your Empire only provides the best."

"Who wants the next one?"

"FREE ICE CREAM!!" And suddenly, ponies from all over town rushed right to that very street corner. Pegasi flew in from above, unicorns and earth ponies galloped up in cloud of dirt, forming lines at the troopers. The stormtroopers began handing out cone after cone to ponies, the squad members, even a couple droids and other stormtroopers.

Grex quickly lined up as quickly as he could but found himself at the back of the crowd. The troopers continued serving; only Brullen, Avin and Timmy's dad of the squad got ice cream. Soon, the crowd began to dwindle and finally, it was Grex's turn.

"Hi, can I get a chocolate-vanilla swirl? With chocolate sprinkles maybe?"

"Sure thing, citizen," the female trooper said, turning around. Cone in hand, she pulled down the lever to dispense Grex's desired flavor. And only a drop came out. "Oops, looks like we're out for today. Sorry about that, citizen."

"But-but, g-gcha-wha-da, but!"

"Looks like we'll need to resupply. Here's a coupon for next time," she said, handing him a coupon. "Have a nice day, citizen! For the Empire!" she saluted and marched off with the rest, leaving Grex holding the coupon.

"But-but-but... why would I need a coupon if it's free?!"

"Aww, ya didn't get any?" Applebloom asked as she walked by, eating an ice cream. "Ah'd offer ya some of mine, but it's almost gone."

"What if it was cider? WHAT IF IT WAS CIDER?!" Grex yelled. Defeated, he rejoined his squad mates as they enjoyed their frozen confectionary treats.

Avin alternating between licking two different cones. "Mmm, MMM. I have to admit, they may be, mmm...mmm-mmm, evil but this ice cream... is frickin' good."

Grex watched them enjoy their delicious deserts with an expression of hardened disappointment. "I actually liked it better when they were shooting at me. I mean, trying to kill me, that was war, but this? This is personal."

"They said they'd be-"

Grex held up his hand to cut him off. "I know. I have my "coupon" right here. Can we get back to base now, Rena?"

"Right, and everyone who partook in the Empire's... ice cream, including myself, will report to the medical officer immediately for full evaluation," she ordered. "Move out."

"Hear that? You lucked out, Grex, no evaluation for you," Avin said, grinning at him.

But the other pilot just continued to frown. "They give free cookies at the end of those evaluations sometimes," he grumbled, joining his squad as they made their way through town.

The speeders to their base were parked on the edge of the Everfree Forest. There were two of them, one for each half of the squadron and they were camouflaged to lessen the likelihood of them being discovered. Unfortunately, it didn't look like the camouflage worked very well because a scout trooper had indeed found the speeders.

"Fantastic. There goes this rendezvous point," Rena said. She and the rest of the squad were crouched behind the bushes at the edge of the clearing where their speeders were. They were so close to them, but if they tried to start them, that one scout would undoubtedly call backup. If he hadn't already.

"He looks like he's just investigating them," Sonders said, looking through a pair of macrobinoculars.

"That's great," Avin said. "Maybe we can take him out before he calls it in."

"Agreed," Rena said. "Grex, you have the rifle. Take the shot."

"Geehh, fine. Making me do this on an empty stomach," Grex said, pulling the A-295g off the back of his flight suit. He took aim at the scout trooper in the clearing, an easy shot with his white armor. He aimed right for the trooper's head.

"Grex? What're you doing?" Rena asked. "Grex, take the shot."

He gritted his teeth. It didn't feel right. He'd done this before, rushed into a warehouse full of Imperials and taken out two stormtroopers with the same rifle he was using now. He'd shot unsuspecting guards even more times, just like this one scout. But this was the first time it hadn't felt right. Maybe it was the fact he'd just been accused of being a puppy-killer, but something did not sit right with all of this.

"Lieutenant, take the shot," Rena said.

He took a deep breath and fired. A bolt flared out of his rifle and struck the scout trooper right in the helmet. It was powerful enough to knock him off his feet and slam his back onto the speeder. He slumped down, motionless.

Wasting no time, the squad made for the speeders. "What took you so long?"

"I... I dunno. It didn't feel right."

"Eh, aiming on an empty stomach'll do that," Avin said, slapping him on the back.

"Yeah, right," he said, following them over to the speeder.

"Hey... he's still alive!" Brullen said. "Grex! You didn't kill him!"

"I know. I set it to stun."

"What?" Rena said, spinning around to face him. "I gave you the order to take him down."

"I did," Grex said. "I set it to stun and took him down. Now, we can take him in and interrogate him."

"I... that's not a bad idea," Rena admitted.

"Yeah, see?" Grex used the butt of his rifle to nudge him off the speeder. "We don't have to kill 'em... or puppies."

"We didn't actually kill puppies. Help me get him in the trunk," Brullen said. They loaded up the unconscious trooper and departed for the base.

Comments

[howard035]

Are we supposed to not be rooting for the Empire? Because I can't wait to see some ponies enlist, and then appear in their adorable widdle white armor.

On the other hand, that ice cream is probably made of puppy.

[Barrobroadcaster]

7894817 You're not supposed to be sure who to root for. You're supposed to feel like the main characters, Twilight and Grex, both who feel like something is wrong with the situation and are really creeped out by the usually evil Empire spreading love and happiness. Look at the cover art picture. Imagine it's a real stormtrooper in front of you right now, cuddling a kitten while weapons are clipped to his side. That's how you're supposed to be feeling.

You're supposed to wonder what's in that ice cream. And what the deal with the soap is.

[howard035]

7895053 I am conflicted, just like Grex. And obviously I am suspicious of the ice cream, though I think if there was some kind of weird chemical in the soap Twilight would have found it.

I'm also wondering how the rest of Equestria views the Empire. I mean, in Canterlot they probably love it, because important members of the Empire all talk like they are a member of the Canterlot Elite.

Oh, and you're one of the best experts on Star Wars I know, Barro: Do you know if during the original trilogy, the Storm Troopers were aging clones left over from the clone wars, or if they were all like Finn at that point? I've always figured it was the former, as it explains their terrible aim (which improved significantly in Force Awakens and then dropped back down in Rogue One). On the other hand, if the latter is true, it would mean when the Doritos Locos Bold Rebellion blew up the first death star, they killed like a million orphans.

[Barrobroadcaster]

7895227 We're going to see more of that soon. To answer your question, you have to keep in mind there's pretty much two explanations for everything(at least) because of Disney's canon and the Legends canon. In Legends, there were stormtroopers that were the original clones right up unto the Battle of Endor fighting in the legendary 501st. Disney's new canon, I'm not entirely sure but I think they might be mixed clones/volunteers/conscripts. I think in Rebels they mention how all the clones were retired, so maybe they phased them all out.

[howard035]

7895270 Cool. I wonder if the old storm troopers were "phased out," or if they really did get to retire. I'm imagining some backwater planet full of bedroom communities, with lots of classrooms where half the kids look like brother and sister because they're all Jango Fett the Third.

[Admiral_Gravleos]

Really, really good. She couldn't help but take another bite. "This is really good."

[RDDash]

"She's right," Sonders added. "Alderaan, Kashyyk, Blockbuster- the Empire's committed a lot of crimes and the list keeps getting longer."

Is this story on crack or something?

[Barrobroadcaster]

10634152
It's fanfiction so, obviously yes.