“In your soul, I see a rainbow. I can see it in your tears as they fall,” she said, raising a gentle hoof to rest on my shoulder.

Nice reference!

Interesting change from the original. There are some areas that might have typos and also some things were repeated like the whole thing with the manticores. Definitely a much different beginning.

I dropped the gun and dashed at him, flicking the stick into the room behind me, far into the corner.

Curious but what happened to that stick of dynamite? Since it didn't explode. Was it lit or not?

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Fixed the stick.

The manticore thing was meant to be an inner joke by Ruby. I added a line to emphasize that.

Thanks for the comment!

Voices yelled out names, curses, and prayers.

It's an unusual thought in my head when I imagine people yelling out their prayers.

Thunder, again, but not. Dark laughter split the earth

How vivid an experience in concise phrasing.

“Have you thought about what you will do after your time in the military is done?”
I stopped. She would always ask this, and I would always deflect. I was getting tired, though. Of the war and the question.
“I can’t until the war is done.”

Hopefully this thread of whether or not Ruby had any consideration of a future after the war will be expanded upon once the story moves to the wasteland. Just because the setting means more war doesn't mean the question of life after shouldn't be brought up again and again.

My violet eyes snapped to hers. "I miss him," I whimpered.

The exhaustive details of Ruby's state of unease make for interesting lines, but it really felt like there was no break in the mood in that first scene. As an introduction, it definitely sets a bleak tone.

The door slid closer, Meadow stepping inside to avoid the massive piece of steel. I almost let out my breath- gunshots. She bolted out, her tail flicking the edge of the door just before it screeched into place.

It happened so swiftly in this paragraph that I thought for a moment Meadow had gotten inside and Ruby hadn't.

A white light grew from me, growing so bright I had to shut my eyes. I had no idea what was going on. This was no magic I was familiar with!

A spell that started when Ruby held the Twilight Sparkle statuette. Was it the statuette? That would be quite unusual.

I gave him a smile. “Yes, why don’t I come and let some of my blood rust those blades a bit more.”

Well, she seems to have come to an understanding of proper etiquette in the wasteland rather quickly.

“Grenade!” I called

Clever girl.

It was a little challenging to get a sense of the staging and orientation of characters in that action sequence at the end, but it was enjoyable to see some improvised fighting. This chapter sets the tone, themes, and mood pretty firmly. I also found the pacing agreeable, but I think you could slow scenes down and use the space for describing scenery. I think the greatest factor that will compel me to continue reading on is learning what exactly Ruby had planned for the future and how that vision will change.

ZZZzz