- Member Since 23rd May, 2012
- offline last seen March 16th
Dreamclaw
Previously known as ViperBits. A male "not-so-brony" from Ukraine. I will occasionally proofread and I can always use some help with writing lewd stuff!
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You would think there would be royal guards...
Wait.
They aren't real. Friendship is the only defense...
...But friendship is dead.
Rip equestria.
...also, Twilight, I thought you were the smartest one in the group... Did you not think that when entering a cave full of fucking blood that you should probably cast a shield spell around yourself?
By the way, nicely written. My mind always hopes for a good ending, but that's not always the case.
(Ps, ignore the down votes you get. This was well written and many people really hate anything labelled 'Dark').
7804087 i bet most of those downvotes are from people who didnt read it and just downvoted based on its description after all this is a pretty horrible story in the gory sense not the badly written sense
Red it. Didn't really enjoy. Hence dislike. Not judging anyone. Keep on writing
. Writing itself was good.
Also: Friendship doesn't always solve problem. Sometimes fire does...
I've just posted a blog post about this project and my plans for the future. The comic that goes with the picture is now up over on Derpi (be sure to disable filters if you want to find it). The other pic might take longer as I want the artist to post it over on their profile first.
7804087
Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it!
I blame Twilight's glaring incompetence on insomnia and shock :D
Also, the second rescue party was originally supposed to be an armed squad. I wanted to change it up before going to bed but then forgot >_>
7804222
Oh, no worries, I knew exactly what I was signing up for when I started working on this project. Most of the previous stories I worked on haven't exactly been tame either, so there is nothing new for me in seeing lots of backlash.
7804343
I appreciate you taking the time to read it. As for the fire, believe it or not, I actually considered this option! What stopped me was that Everfree is just too big and saturated with Chaos magic to the brim to be easily burned down. Also, the Tree of Harmony is still there...
Unlike the others, I wouldn't recommend ignoring all of the downvotes. A fair few, yes, but after reading it, I can say that it was mostly boring. Two very large reasons are mostly the cause of this. The first is that the reader knows pretty much the entire story before even starting it, because you give it all away in the synopsis. The only thing that raises an eyebrow is RD randomly dropping her objectives to masturbate out in the middle of nowhere. It doesn't get much more out of character than that, which brings up the second major problem. The story is simply poorly written, especially when it comes to depicting the characters in it, and that isn't even to speak of how forced the plot line is. I couldn't bulldoze much faster with a full sized Tonka Truck. The story could have easily been fleshed out another 3k words.
My recommendation for you is get an editor and type while they are there so they can help you on the fly, change the synopsis to give a lot less away, and stack on another, at minimum, 5k words. The practice will do you some good.
Once that's done, ping me so I can see how it reads then, please. I like the idea, the execution (no pun intended) was just really poor.
7804453
Your criticism is indeed valid. This project has been relatively small and I didn't spend as much time as I should have on writing this. However, you should also factor in that the story started out as a "mini-fanfic in the description" kind of deal, merely a slightly extended version of the events to help people better understand what is going on in the comic I've posted.
The fact that the story got this far is already baffling to me! The rough draft I received from Ink was barely 1.5k words long. Of course I wasn't expecting him to give me even that much, but it is safe to say that I've been hard at work improving it ever since.
That being said, if I ever get to writing the other two stories I've outlined in the blog post, I will no doubt include all necessary details and additional stuff most people want to see in their clop. As of right now, this is just a silly little thing to go along with the comic, and I hope people will take it for what it is worth instead of evaluating it by full-blown professionally written 10k+ story standards. The story already took far too long to write due to real life difficulties (not in writing time, but the actual time), so making it into a 'serious' fanfic was never my intention, sorry for that.
Although I am sure people who are into this stuff will still enjoy it as a mini-story of sorts! There is nowhere near enough content like this :P
7804087
7804222
Thanks, that actually makes me feel really good, I tried hard on the story when I wrote it, though VB wanted it more gorey and dark than what I wrote, so he did a lot of the work editing and adding to the story to suit what he imagined. I'm excited to read this myself now that it's done to see what he did to
butcherimprove the story more!7804453
Thanks, I value the criticism, and it's a valid one, I pounded the original story out in half an hour and let VB do the editing to spice it up like he wanted. So not exactly something made out of sleepless nights and restless days. XD Like he said, it was meant to be a mini-story, he wanted 3 paragraphs, I gave him 3 pages.
It was done quick and dirty, otherwise there would be more build up and story there to explain why the spiders where there, why Dash would stop to masturbate, and a ton of other details to make it a real story, not just some quick 1-off for hard vore fans to wank to. So in the end I don't disagree with you, and actually value your input.
7804717
I am eager to hear your thoughts once you are done reading it! I did a lot of work to tidy it up and switch things around, as well as completely change the ending and add a few scenes. Hope the added bits and details are to your liking!
I also expanded the reasoning in the weak spots (like her stopping for a break), but arguably even with those changes the logic behind it remains shaky at best. Oh well, we all learn as we go, right? If I ever get to finishing the other projects, they won't repeat the same mistakes and suffer from lazy solutions :P
Truth be told, I would expand this story even more, but I didn't want to postpone publishing the finished art pieces any longer. Stay tuned for the other commission to be unveiled later today or early tomorrow!
P.S. Forgot to attach the blog post at the end of the story, fixed now >_>
Hey! Made an account to say something here! :D
But I don't actually have a lot to say :U
Just that it was fun doing a little back and forth on this with you, and that, despite my crankiness and tendency to disappear for months, overall had fun being a part of this whole thing :D
(Also wow so many people already looked at this it's impressive :O! )
Hmm. Combining Rainbow Dash, spiders, genitalia consumption, oviposition, and web bondage in one story? Now this is good. The only thing I want to see is more story at the end, particularly with the others. Separate scenes of each pony being bitten and eaten would be...delicious.
This, along with the art reminds strikingly of artist:Celtai, heck even a very similar face! Only thing I could say that would of been better is if the "eating out" was way more drawn out somehow. Also her friends having their own slightly varied fates shown.
7804722
Oh. Well then.
7806406
7806379
Lack of descriptiveness is one of the most prominent issues short stories and stories by novice authors have. This is a comment I've faced in the past, and I knew it will become a bane of this story. I apologize for not spending more time to add descriptions to each scene and hope that the story was still to your liking.
I might do a take on it in the future, although such thing is rather unlikely. Maybe Ink will once again supply drafts for me to edit and integrate... Alternatively, these spider species, as well as several others, are still one of the predator choices for the vore sandbox story I have in mind! And who knows, maybe one day I will get bored enough to go back and add some juicy descriptions on top of this, we'll just have to wait and see!~
P.S. The second picture commission is now up over on Derpi!
Meh, about as generic as it gets. Typical monster vore fetish with feeble set-up and pay-off entirely pandering to a subgenre of a subgenre.
For a far better story about arachnids and ponies, I suggest "The Spiderses". At least that's intentionally, hilariously bad.
Delicious
Downvoted for reasons stated above. I found it boring. We knew what was going to happen from the long description. It "told" not "show" the story. Not appetizing at all.
7836220
Understandable, although this mini-fanfic was supposed to briefly tell the backstory behind the comic, not 'show' what happened in it. To actually see what happened you can just find the comic this is based on and watch it instead. Think of this as a 'fanfic in the description' to the comic kind of a deal.
The description and story cover are frank about the contents of the story to prevent people from mistaking it for an actual adventure one-shot with a good end. I wouldn't want people to start complaining about our beloved ponies meeting a bad end, so it was decided to make it obvious what kind of a story this is. People who are into these things will still enjoy it regardless, while the rest won't get triggered enough to start a drama fest in the comments and instead will just downvote and move on. Everyone wins :D
I like to have 3 sayings. First it's short wish it was longer to make it more juicy. Second it needs more weather depth for a feel like were actually there. Third it's an alright fiction it's just needs more touch and more feeling.
DAMN NATURE, YOU SCARY!
Burn the forest, burn it all. Only way to be sure.
Too late. XP Though I did read the description and knew in advance I wouldn't enjoy it, I was just curious. I've never liked hard vore (though something more like what actual spiders do might be interesting) and I don't like seeing characters I care about die, particularly when some form of incompetence is involved.
Anyway, neither upvoted nor downvoted, merely examined. Takes a lot for me to downvote a story and this doesn't qualify... unless it were badly written in which case I'd have made an exception.
8114404
Actually, I enjoy seeing external digestion as well, it's just that I wanted something a little bit more... personal for this one :P
And yeah, I can easily see how this wouldn't be to most people's liking, so it is always nice to see people as yourself explain themselves and remain neutral instead of getting triggered and such. Definitely appreciated! :)
8114424 I like to think I choose my "triggers" (not really what that means, at least in the proper sense) well - and as far as writing goes, it's limited to things written by authors who are assholes. Or narcissistic. But it's hard for me to be mad at anyone willing to be reasonable about things.
This is like the Runners series by unsettlingstories, but ponies...
It's game over man, it's game over!
But no seriously Celestia should nuke it with the sun.
And then you watch Season 7 Episode 16, and realize the reality train is getting way too close.
8403333
what does that mean?
10434622
Episode where Rainbow dash got swarmed and heavily bitten by "Flyders". The flying spider things. I think it was mentioned they were carnivores so could eat a whole creature, been a while so not 100% sure on that part tho.
10434741
I see. Just rewatched the episode, and I see she survived.
From what I see of Flyders, they seem to mostly be more of a nuisance then an actual threat that could kill.
10434749
Thus why I stated "close". As in similar and eerie.
10434753
Ah, sorry I didn't catch it first time.
Kinda wish this got an alternate good ending
10555167
With or without spider eggs ?
11869936
Preferrably without.