• Published 2nd Jul 2012
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Oh to be Old Again - Minalkra



What happens when a middle age brony wakes up in the body of a foal? And when no one believes him?

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5 - Tempting Fate is Always a Winning Plan

"A thirty year old 'human man' named 'Bruce Bannon' who works in 'data entry' in the assets payable section of Acme Corporations Headquarters Administration."

"Yup." I lightly sipped at my water.

"And you live in the city of 'Nashville' in the 'state of Tennessee' with your wife 'Lisa Bannon.' And this is part of the country the 'United States of A-mare-ica' on Earth, specifically the continent 'North A-mare-ica' which was discovered five hundred years ago. And named after some cartographer."

"Spot on."

"And you need to get home because your boss is going to be really upset that you didn't make it in to work today."

"Actually, I said she'll be super pissed but, yeah, in a nutshell."

The silence was so thick, you could cut it with a sock. I was sitting across from this poor mare who had plopped herself down on the bed in what I could only assume to be utter confusion. Now I really was IN bed with a weird alien. Captain Kirk, eat your heart out. Her face, though always smiling, grew more and more panicked as we had spoke. With the vain and optimistic hope that somehow the false-ism 'honesty was the best policy' would work here, I told her about my life. I told her about my job. I told her a bit about the history of my country. What I remembered anyway. And what I remembered the history of the rest of the world was.

I may have skipped a few parts, in the interest of her not thinking I was completely insane. 'cause seriously, some things that seemed like great ideas at the time - when you look back at it - tend to not shine a favorable light on humanity. Like the World Wars. Or the Cold War. Or spandex. You know, really bad ideas that just seemed like good ones when they first came out. I cleared my throat, feeling a bit nervous from all the silence. She just kept staring at me. Or toward me, as the case happened to be. Her eyes, a rather nice golden color, seemed to be focusing on something over my shoulder to the left. I checked but there was nothing there.

There were two distinct ways I saw this conversation turning out. Option 'Good' was she thought I was crazy. Whenever you're in a situation that an option like that seemed the best, you know you're in deep trouble. But despite my apparent insanity, she at least accepted the possibility that, with all the other insanity that happened around here, maybe -just maaaaaybe - I wasn't completely nuts.

Option 'Bad' was, well, she just thought I was nuts and tried to get me out of her hai-, eh mane as quickly as possible. Man, remembering to put these terms in pony-talk was harder than I thought. Even then, I figured I could convince somepony that I wasn't completely gone and then I could work from there. At least, those were the two options I could see at the time. The reality would turn out to be far, far worse.

"Yes, well, you just sit right there. I've, uhm, got to go file some papers and will be right back." She kept looking at that spot slightly shifted to the left of me while she talked, giving the whole conversation an already creepier vibe than it had. She laughed, a hollow and joyless sound. "You know us adults, we love our paperwork!"

With that, she scrambled off the bed, grabbed the few papers she had been making notes on and bolted out the door. My stomach rumbled in response, as lunch/breakfast had been taken away never to be seen again after my little 'episode.' I sighed.

"Option 'Bad,' eh? Can it get any worse?"

Past self, I want to hit you SO HARD right now.


If I was going to have to live among the ponies, I may as well start getting used to what they looked like, right? Since there was no quick fix - adapt. I was slowly coming to grips with the hideous reality that I may have to spend a lot longer here than I had hoped. Stuck in this foal's body. Not to say there weren't any benefits, I guess. I - I still have no idea what those could be though and if anyone has any thoughts, please oh god please share them.

"Bruuu-uce."

I was shaken from my reverie by the oh-so sing-song voice of Ms. Meadows. She hadn't been gone but five minutes this time and I was only a little shocked to see her again so soon. That translated into rapid blinking and gasping fish sounds as my brain shifted out of sixth gear and into first again.

"I've got somepony here to see-eee you-uuuu." She tilted her head and scrunched her face up. I can only compare it to a wolf snarling. I have no idea what it's supposed to mean or why anyone would find it cute. It scared the bejezus out of me and if I hadn't already peed, I would have been doing it right then and there. "A very special somepony who's going to make you feel tons better."

Mental alarm bells were going off all over the place. Either she believed me entirely and had - somehow - managed to get Twilight to whip up a 'go home freak' spell or gotten the Princess involved quickly or something (and was just naturally crazy). Oooor this whole situation was going to get really ugly, really damn fast. Guess which one my money was on.

"Uhm, I hope whoever it is brings food, I kinda missed lunch." My priorities were a tad out of whack I admit. First thing out of my mouth should have been 'oh god please spare me' but I can't grovel properly on an empty stomach turns out.

"Oh yes!" She nodded rapidly and I don't mean human-norm rapidly. Her head was a blur! How do they do that? As quickly as she started she stopped and motioned at the door, waving somepony in. "She knows just how to fill empty tummies of all the foals in Ponyville!"

No.

Oh god no.

Suddenly, a pink mass of hair and face filled my vision. Blue eyes, pink everything else ever.

"HI! I'm Pinkie Pie! You must be new in town because I don't remember seeing you before and I know everypony in Ponyville!"

Pinkie pressed her muzzle into mine, forcing my face into the same rictus the counselor had. I could only see two colors; pink and blue. I somehow knew she was smiling. Like how a dying man would know when his last breath would be. I think I might have peed a bit then. As my brain tried to come to grips with the pink existence that was forced on it, other parts of my brain were kicked into high gear. I couldn't help but notice that she smelled like frosting. Vanilla, it was. A hint of cinnamon. My hearing expanded and I found myself in a sea of sounds. Of course, all of them came forth from the pink that had become everything. With a gigantic smile, Pinkie disengaged herself from my face and hopped joyfully off the bed.

As she ... I hesitate to use the word spoke. It was more like opening the floodgates into her inner mind and letting this stream of consciousness pour forth into the world. We'll call it 'speaking' until science can find a way to classify what Pinkie does. Actually, science has a restraining order against Pinkie so, yeah, we'll call it 'speaking.' Let's try it again.

As she 'spoke', she bounced merrily around the room, pulling things out of her mane - somehow - and setting up what appeared to be a very small party. Streamers were pinned, full balloons tied to the hospital bed I had spent way too much time inhabiting and confetti liberally sprinkled around the entire room. All the while, my head tracked her progress while my jaw hung slack. I swear, this is exactly what she said. In ten seconds. In one breath.

"I knew I would be needed at the hospital because my right hoof was itchy and my tail was twitchy but not in a twitchy-twitchy way when something falls though that's always nice to know but instead it was kinda just sorta twitchy which meant that there was a foal here who was going to need a big, emergency dose of 'smile' and stat but then I tried to come in and the doctor was just 'no no no' but then Spring here whispered something into his ears and he got all serious and walked out and she said 'yes yes yes' and so I was glad I got my cupcakes out of the oven super early today because being in the hospital usually means you're hurt or sick and that's never fun and so I thought I'd cheer you up and so I brought you a cupcake but then I ated it because I was waiting for a super long time so I had to go back to Sugarcube Corner to get another one and so here's a cupcake!"

With that frightening and fateful final phrase, she fished a finely formed and frosted fairy cake from ... dang it, alliteration has failed me. Anyway, she produced a cupcake from somewhere and shoved the entire thing into my still open mouth. Along with a good deal of her hoof.

I tasted vanilla. Vanilla, cinnamon and dirt. Ponies walk on those things!

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