"A thirty year old 'human man' named 'Bruce Bannon' who works in 'data entry' in the assets payable section of Acme Corporations Headquarters Administration."
"Yup." I lightly sipped at my water.
"And you live in the city of 'Nashville' in the 'state of Tennessee' with your wife 'Lisa Bannon.' And this is part of the country the 'United States of A-mare-ica' on Earth, specifically the continent 'North A-mare-ica' which was discovered five hundred years ago. And named after some cartographer."
"Spot on."
"And you need to get home because your boss is going to be really upset that you didn't make it in to work today."
"Actually, I said she'll be super pissed but, yeah, in a nutshell."
The silence was so thick, you could cut it with a sock. I was sitting across from this poor mare who had plopped herself down on the bed in what I could only assume to be utter confusion. Now I really was IN bed with a weird alien. Captain Kirk, eat your heart out. Her face, though always smiling, grew more and more panicked as we had spoke. With the vain and optimistic hope that somehow the false-ism 'honesty was the best policy' would work here, I told her about my life. I told her about my job. I told her a bit about the history of my country. What I remembered anyway. And what I remembered the history of the rest of the world was.
I may have skipped a few parts, in the interest of her not thinking I was completely insane. 'cause seriously, some things that seemed like great ideas at the time - when you look back at it - tend to not shine a favorable light on humanity. Like the World Wars. Or the Cold War. Or spandex. You know, really bad ideas that just seemed like good ones when they first came out. I cleared my throat, feeling a bit nervous from all the silence. She just kept staring at me. Or toward me, as the case happened to be. Her eyes, a rather nice golden color, seemed to be focusing on something over my shoulder to the left. I checked but there was nothing there.
There were two distinct ways I saw this conversation turning out. Option 'Good' was she thought I was crazy. Whenever you're in a situation that an option like that seemed the best, you know you're in deep trouble. But despite my apparent insanity, she at least accepted the possibility that, with all the other insanity that happened around here, maybe -just maaaaaybe - I wasn't completely nuts.
Option 'Bad' was, well, she just thought I was nuts and tried to get me out of her hai-, eh mane as quickly as possible. Man, remembering to put these terms in pony-talk was harder than I thought. Even then, I figured I could convince somepony that I wasn't completely gone and then I could work from there. At least, those were the two options I could see at the time. The reality would turn out to be far, far worse.
"Yes, well, you just sit right there. I've, uhm, got to go file some papers and will be right back." She kept looking at that spot slightly shifted to the left of me while she talked, giving the whole conversation an already creepier vibe than it had. She laughed, a hollow and joyless sound. "You know us adults, we love our paperwork!"
With that, she scrambled off the bed, grabbed the few papers she had been making notes on and bolted out the door. My stomach rumbled in response, as lunch/breakfast had been taken away never to be seen again after my little 'episode.' I sighed.
"Option 'Bad,' eh? Can it get any worse?"
Past self, I want to hit you SO HARD right now.
If I was going to have to live among the ponies, I may as well start getting used to what they looked like, right? Since there was no quick fix - adapt. I was slowly coming to grips with the hideous reality that I may have to spend a lot longer here than I had hoped. Stuck in this foal's body. Not to say there weren't any benefits, I guess. I - I still have no idea what those could be though and if anyone has any thoughts, please oh god please share them.
"Bruuu-uce."
I was shaken from my reverie by the oh-so sing-song voice of Ms. Meadows. She hadn't been gone but five minutes this time and I was only a little shocked to see her again so soon. That translated into rapid blinking and gasping fish sounds as my brain shifted out of sixth gear and into first again.
"I've got somepony here to see-eee you-uuuu." She tilted her head and scrunched her face up. I can only compare it to a wolf snarling. I have no idea what it's supposed to mean or why anyone would find it cute. It scared the bejezus out of me and if I hadn't already peed, I would have been doing it right then and there. "A very special somepony who's going to make you feel tons better."
Mental alarm bells were going off all over the place. Either she believed me entirely and had - somehow - managed to get Twilight to whip up a 'go home freak' spell or gotten the Princess involved quickly or something (and was just naturally crazy). Oooor this whole situation was going to get really ugly, really damn fast. Guess which one my money was on.
"Uhm, I hope whoever it is brings food, I kinda missed lunch." My priorities were a tad out of whack I admit. First thing out of my mouth should have been 'oh god please spare me' but I can't grovel properly on an empty stomach turns out.
"Oh yes!" She nodded rapidly and I don't mean human-norm rapidly. Her head was a blur! How do they do that? As quickly as she started she stopped and motioned at the door, waving somepony in. "She knows just how to fill empty tummies of all the foals in Ponyville!"
No.
Oh god no.
Suddenly, a pink mass of hair and face filled my vision. Blue eyes, pink everything else ever.
"HI! I'm Pinkie Pie! You must be new in town because I don't remember seeing you before and I know everypony in Ponyville!"
Pinkie pressed her muzzle into mine, forcing my face into the same rictus the counselor had. I could only see two colors; pink and blue. I somehow knew she was smiling. Like how a dying man would know when his last breath would be. I think I might have peed a bit then. As my brain tried to come to grips with the pink existence that was forced on it, other parts of my brain were kicked into high gear. I couldn't help but notice that she smelled like frosting. Vanilla, it was. A hint of cinnamon. My hearing expanded and I found myself in a sea of sounds. Of course, all of them came forth from the pink that had become everything. With a gigantic smile, Pinkie disengaged herself from my face and hopped joyfully off the bed.
As she ... I hesitate to use the word spoke. It was more like opening the floodgates into her inner mind and letting this stream of consciousness pour forth into the world. We'll call it 'speaking' until science can find a way to classify what Pinkie does. Actually, science has a restraining order against Pinkie so, yeah, we'll call it 'speaking.' Let's try it again.
As she 'spoke', she bounced merrily around the room, pulling things out of her mane - somehow - and setting up what appeared to be a very small party. Streamers were pinned, full balloons tied to the hospital bed I had spent way too much time inhabiting and confetti liberally sprinkled around the entire room. All the while, my head tracked her progress while my jaw hung slack. I swear, this is exactly what she said. In ten seconds. In one breath.
"I knew I would be needed at the hospital because my right hoof was itchy and my tail was twitchy but not in a twitchy-twitchy way when something falls though that's always nice to know but instead it was kinda just sorta twitchy which meant that there was a foal here who was going to need a big, emergency dose of 'smile' and stat but then I tried to come in and the doctor was just 'no no no' but then Spring here whispered something into his ears and he got all serious and walked out and she said 'yes yes yes' and so I was glad I got my cupcakes out of the oven super early today because being in the hospital usually means you're hurt or sick and that's never fun and so I thought I'd cheer you up and so I brought you a cupcake but then I ated it because I was waiting for a super long time so I had to go back to Sugarcube Corner to get another one and so here's a cupcake!"
With that frightening and fateful final phrase, she fished a finely formed and frosted fairy cake from ... dang it, alliteration has failed me. Anyway, she produced a cupcake from somewhere and shoved the entire thing into my still open mouth. Along with a good deal of her hoof.
I tasted vanilla. Vanilla, cinnamon and dirt. Ponies walk on those things!
Oh the 'joy' of Pinkie Pie... this will be fun!
Dirt, highly nutritious!
"science has a restraining order against Pinkie"
Great chapter! Keep it up i am loving this story!
Keep up the wonderful work!
eeeeeeexcellent
One of the Rules of Happiness is to not ask what goes into your food. (Another one is not asking a woman her weight.)
I take it the nurses have gone very passive-aggressive on him? (We need a twistedlittlegrin emoticon.)
875296
Actually, I was thinking of writing an interlude where Spring Meadows is going off on the nurses for their rough treatment of 'an obviously very disturbed little colt' with various subtle threats, all the while also lamenting how few foster families Ponyville has and the reams of paperwork she'll have to go through to get more options since, of course, she doesn't want to send him away from where she presumes his family must live.
But I'm wary of switching both the tone (her chapter would, by frank necessity, have to be more serious and not funny) and the POV. I could make it funny, I suppose, if she was a bit bumbling. Hmm, that might work. Still weighing the potential benefit to how different it would be from the rest of this. Don't think I'll do it as it'd have to be either next chapter or the chapter right after that one to fit in the timeline correctly, but it's on the table.
875369 Ehh, I don't really like the thought of her being 'bumbling.' I would prefer she be competent and you just not write that chapter.
'Course, who am I to decide?
875399
That was one of my concerns. I didn't like the thought of her being bumbling or absent minded. She just feels way in over her head here and at the same time, here's a 'little colt' that needs her and her help. She's drowning in her own sea, in a sense. Kind of a tragic situation. If she believed him (and he is telling the truth) everything would work out remarkably well. But because it's such a frank impossibility, she's filling her own ocean by the tanker-full and not even realizing it. Also, I'm not sure how to open the Bruce-Pinkie discussion but I know how I want it to end so I'm kinda staring at a blank Word doc, blinking in the hope that words will appear magically and I can get on with the interesting parts.
It's not working.
875438 I know that feel, bro. Knowing something you want to write but not how to get to that point? Very familiar to me.
875399
i think i have to agree.
I think I might have peed a bit then.
I'm a bad person.
The silence was so thick, you could cut it with a sock.
One of the many hillarious lines in this story.
Anyway great chapter like always.
I would totally be mind-broken from this whole ordeal.
875369 Wanna write an alternate POV chapter but dont wanna change the tone? Simple! Make a side story! Techogre does it all the time! You can just make a side story, and whenever you wanna write a little (non plot relevant) chapter, just throw it in there! Simple!
Great chapter, Bruce has every right in my mind to fear Pinkie Pie
And they DO walk on there whooves! I never thought of that before
And i would love the extra chapter, in my opinion more explanation is always better then less explanation.
880856
I might. I have 650 words in it already but, again, it's ... dark. The assumptions and errors Meadows is making are, well, not pleasant to consider. And, unfortunately due to my job, I've been exposed to certain aspects of the DFACs of a few states to know kinda-sorta what I'm going for. It's, ugh, it's just plain wrong what she's thinking but in her mind, the evidence is too overwhelming for anything else to be the case. I'm probably not going to post it here. Might, MIGHT side-story it but even then, it's way too heavy for the lighthearted comedy I want to write right now. To tie them together ...
881274 Sounds to me like ya want to do it but it wont fit.
If you do post it somewhere though say where please.
And whats a DFAC?
883003
Department of Families and Children. Essentially, the foster, adoption and family help department run by the states in America. They're sometimes called other things, depending on the state. Can't talk about specifics, though.
I know what she told the doctor. "Hey, let's put crazy and crazier together and see what happens. You get the popcorn, and I'll get the lawn chairs."
898848
You know, every one of you guys that said you liked this made me put my nose to the grindstone and made me try to put something out every night.
Didn't work. BUT! This, while not the longest thing I've ever written, has been the thing I've enjoyed almost more than anything else. I'm probably going to be posting a new chapter tonight, just so you's'all know.
The reason it took a bit longer is that, well, Pinkie Pie is easier to write for than I thought but trying to keep myself on task and un-distracted while writing her has been a larger effort than I realized. That and I didn't know exactly how to get from point A to point B in their conversation. Trying to fit all the elements I thought of while I was smoking was harder than I thought it'd be.
So to everyone that has offered words of encouragement and those who just said they liked it, thank you. It makes it so much better than to write for just myself.
Really. Thanks. Y'all are awesome.
Really loving it so far, however there is a spelling mistake near the end that I found rather jarring: "... dang it, alteration has failed me." Alliteration, I presume?
*here is my honest reaction when the character realized who was entering the room*
Bruce.... You are royaly screwed......
In ten seconds. In one breath---- My mind is refusing to to deny the existence of the word "flat" in between those lines.
big, emergecny dose of 'smile' and stat but then --- Emergency
Fault has been spotted.
This is great story so far.
...Ya know, Pinkie MIGHT actually be the best pony for this situation. With all of her 4th wall breaking, she may have an idea of what he's talking about.
No one ever reacts to meeting these foos! I would be like "PINKIE! Get outta mah faaaaaace!" "Ima Brony, and Humans are better, and WEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOH, I'M ONE CRAZY FOO!"
Mother of Faust.
And I don't normally swear.
YOU LIVE IN NASHVILLE TOOOOOOOOO!?!?!?
873937 hey! Laugh it up I SAW that restraining order!
I just hope he doesn't show her what is in the human parties...
And that she doesn't invite Councellor when he does.
"Oh no.
Oh, God, no."
"Hiiiiiiiiii...."
Celestia save us all...
873930
's good f'r ya, man!
"Actually, science has a restraining order against Pinkie" I laughed so hard, and that one line cemented your status as most awesome author ever!
I dont know why but I feel so fucking bad for him I am so sorrylol
Man dirt or not its FREE FOOD an its a CUPCAKE!!
wait, restraining orders against Pinkie Pie work?
i see youve met "miss i dont listen to gravity"
2130220
no, shed just throw a "you have a restraining order against me" party
I think you mean on...whoopsie.
I'm re-reading this fic because it is the TITS!
see, all he needs ta do is explain one episode of mlp in detail and bam! he either gets some credibility or they make him the town psychic
When he met Pinkie Pie
...I read Pinkie's speech in a Morgan Freeman voice...I have no idea why
1014617 You sure? I don't remember showing it to you.
873937
We meet again, shirotora. And now I must depart, after leaving you in no suspence because you saw the sequel of what happened before seeing this...
1014617 Oh hai!
3105556 I think he was hiding behind you. You can't always trust machines. Sometimes you have to trust horror game instincts.
873930
Oh yes, alot of minerals in dirt!