10 - Emotional Log Ride
"What's your name?"
"Bru-"
"Oh cool, an earth pony!"
"Yeah bu-"
"Are you in school?"
"Not ye-"
"Where do you live?"
"Nashvi-"
"Where's your parents?"
"Probab-"
"You don't have a cutie mark?"
"..."
"Your eyes are pretty."
"..."
"Hey, do you know Pinkie Pie?"
My neck was sore from trying to keep whichever was talking in view long enough to answer a question. The twins were circling like sharks, eager to pry whatever secrets they could from me. The golden brown colt would flap his wings and lift up a few inches every so often but that was the extent of his flight. I didn't see a twinkle from the yellow unicorn filly. I'm guessing that the prowess they showed prior was a child-like burst of energy. Something that fades in time and requires training to regain.
I can be insightful if I try, shut up!
A glance at Pinkie Pie told me she would be of absolutely no help to me, sitting there. With that dumb smile on her face. Isn't that cute, she thinks we're bonding. On the one hand - hoof, thing, whatever - I didn't want to make her sad because that would solidify my label as 'worst pony.' On the other, I really wanted to disabuse her of the notion that I was getting along here.
Self destruction was always my weakness.
"GUYS," I shouted, bringing blessed silence to the room. I noticed Pinkie's smile faltering and her hair slowly uncurling. The children looked at me with big almost scared eyes. Tears had formed in the corners and threatened to fall. With a sigh, I sealed my fate. "One question at a time, please. I can't keep up with them all."
Oh come on, I'm not THAT much of a monster! Also, crying children are always a mess.
Before any verbal assault could commence, however, a pony I never thought I'd be grateful to see popped her head into the room.
"Is everything alright in here, Pinkie?" Spring glanced suspiciously at Pinkie who shrank a bit under the gaze.
"Yup, Bruce here is just talking with the twins Ms. Meadows!" Pinkie's nod was energetic. Too energetic. Obviously suspicious. Come on, girl, you're making this hard for me.
"Yeah, they were just a bit too ... vocal. Everything is fine Ms. Meadows." I can be diplomatic! When I try. When I remember to try, anyway. After eying us both for way too long, Spring ducked back around the corner, letting both me and Pinkie breathe a sigh of relief.
"Hey Pinkie, can you, uh, converse with the twins here? I gotta go talk to Meadows for a second." Not even waiting for a response, I headed over to the archway. This was my future they were dealing with and I'd be damned if I wasn't going to have my say.
As I rounded the corner, I heard faint conversation. Talking about me behind my back. Or behind a wall, as the case may be. I couldn't hear very much, their voices were too low. I pushed open the swinging doors to catch the tail end of my Doom.
"Even if adoption isn't right for you, the fact you'll help is enough." I started in surprise. I guess it never really hit me that they thought I was a kid. I mean, I knew it conceptually but to hear that word ... it finally hit home. I really was HERE and they really were planning to stick me with some poor unsuspecting family.
Remember when I said that if I didn't watch my mouth, it would go off on its own? Yeah.
"Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me!" The two mares spun their heads to the doorway with looks of shock on their faces. They were hugging each other, sitting near the door to the common area. The kitchen was more modern than I had first guessed it would be but that wasn't the focus of my attention. Can you blame me?
"No, no, no, no!" Spring pushed herself away from Mrs. Cake - who fell gracelessly to the floor - as I backpedaled. I honestly don't remember who was saying 'no' louder, me or her. My heart was racing as fast as my legs were. I bolted through the common area past two very confused twins and a slightly less confused Pinkie Pie.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Out the door and into the street, random turn and away we go!
Ponyville is a pretty dang large town and there obviously wasn't a whole lot of that pesky 'civic planning' going on when it grew. The main streets meandered in a way that would make introducing automobiles here 'interesting' and don't get me started on the alleys. Entire neighborhoods built up around snaking and twisting mazes of alleys. And by 'alley' I mean 'path that could barely fit a single line of ponies.'
Ugh, and the smell. Ponyville was clean for a dirt-road farming community but now I know why. Alleys were where the citizens kept all those nasty odors that would look bad on the brochure. 'Come see Ponyville's famous three-mare-tall garbage pile, located behind the Quills and Sofa Shop! Just take the first alley entrance, get lost and you'll find it eventually.'
Not that great for tourism.
I found out some interesting things hiding beneath an upturned garbage pail as I waited for the shouts of Ms. Meadows to die in the distance. You can tell a lot about a civilization by the trash they toss. Old food seemed to be the primary refuse but in this particular trash can there were also broken quills, a torn saddle (WHY DO PONIES WEAR SADDLES?!), some used prophylactics, a half-burned book called 'How to Keep Your Stallion,' a broken record, a broken record, a broken rec- sorry. Anyway, electronic devices? Not a one. Very little in the way of packaging either. Unless the heap of brown and coarse papers currently trying to explore interesting new body orifices was packaging.
As Spring's voice finally died in the distance, I breathed a sigh of relief. Ok, so one crisis converted into an even bigger crisis. Yay me. Carefully, I lifted the edge of the pail ...
And there's Pinkie Pie. Of course. Smart girl not calling out my name. And she sees me.
"Bruce?" Pinkie took a cautious step towards me. Yeah, you're not fooling anyone.
"Go away." I dropped the can back on top of me with a clang. I could probably get used to the smell. She can't sit out there for hours right?
Right?
...bugger. It was getting hot under there.
"Bruce, Spring and Cup are really worried about you." Her voice was right outside the can - which, incidentally, gave her a kinda cool 'metallic' sound. I'm sure she'd appreciate that at a later date. Subjecting her to sitting in this filth pile trying to talk me out from under a garbage can probably wouldn't win me any favors though. Seeing as how we'd been sitting in silence for at least an hour by that point. I was beginning to suspect Pinkie wasn't leaving anytime soon.
"Good for them, I'm glad they've made that life choice." Ewww, one of the used 'marital aids' was leaking under me. That's lovely. Still wasn't leaving though.
"Bruce, I know that you're scared. And I know that you really don't think you need the help. But this, this is not normal." Pinkie Pie telling me something isn't normal?! Holy hells.
"Yeah, well, it's been a weird day. I didn't think such a quick transition into normalcy was quite appropriate." My stomach rumbled. Hmm, old bread. I need old bread. Preferably without 'essence of stallion' soaked into it.
"Bruce, I'm sorry."
What?
"What?" I peeked out from under the can, my face a wonderful mixture of really grossed out and really confused. Pinkie was sitting about two steps away on an old rusted bucket, her hooves dragging in the unmentionables. Her hair was completely flat and her eyes filled with tears. Oh no! No, don't cry!
"I'm sorry about the hospital. I'm sorry that you don't like me. I'm sorry. Please, I'll leave you alone. I'll even move if that'll help, don't run away because of me." She lowered her head and I could see her shoul - withers? Withers. Her withers shaking gently.
OH GOD SHE'S CRYING!
"No! No, no, no! Pinkie, no!" Been saying that a lot recently. I scrambled out from my hiding spot to stand in front of the depressed mare. Shaking my head emphatically, I suddenly realized I had no idea what to do. So, words? Words. "Pinkie it's not you, it's me."
...am I stupid? All signs point to 'yes.'
"Huh?" Pinkie looked at me, her face confused. Using that old 'ending the relationship line' seemed to have at least stopped the tears. Her eyes were awful red though. The blue was really striking once you got over the whole 'too big for their heads' thing. Wait, not like that! NOT LIKE THAT! Uh, soldiering on.
"Pinkie, I heard 'adoption.' Adoption!" I pounded the ground with a hoof, causing just a little splatter. Looking at the bottom of my hoof with a grimace, I decided I didn't want to know what that had once been. "I know you don't believe me, I get it, but really? Adoption?! That's terrifying enough to a kid that knows it's coming but me? I'm used to paying bills, working for a living, being married and now I have to do it all over again? With some family I barely know about, much less know!"
I was sounding panicked. I was panicked. This was panic time. I looked at the dirty ground breathing hard.
"Even if I'm delusional, this is still not something I needed when I woke up today." I felt an 'arm' circle my withers but I didn't register it at first. "My life, my whole life is gone. My family, my frien - co-workers. My wife. My wife! My wife ... will I ever see her again?" I looked up at Pinkie, her eyes concerned but much less red than before. I felt something fall down my face, a drop. "It wasn't a great life Pinkie but it was mine and it was stolen from me. Why?"
There we sat, in a dirty alleyway filled with the discarded castoffs of society, a pink mare holding a shaking little blue colt.
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Bruceie is saddie, too bad. YOU GON DIE BITCH!
loved these 2 new chapters and hope they start to believe Bruce cant wait for the next
What a classy place to have a heart-to-heart.
Things are certainly getting interesting now, I wonder if Pinkie will believe him.
BLUE SKIES! stop smoking this instant!
( sorry but he looks like a little colt version of my oc
)
Yay for a double feature. Keep up the good work.
A double update?!
OH YEAH!
This is probably the most realistic Human in Equestria fic I've read. Most just have the protag be all like "Yay" and stuff, even though they just lost everything.
altepeter.com/misc/giftopng.php?image=http://altepeter.com/stuff/imgs/applause.gif
I dont know why, but im always a fan of emotional breakdowns.
Wow. Amazing chapters. A beautiful heart-to-heart moment with Bruce and Pinkie
:brucesad: keep up the good work.
FUUUUUUCK YEEEEEEAH
I'd double-upvote this if I could!
I admit, I am liking this story. Clever, witty, but don't expect me to compliment you about grammar and other writing styles and such. Don't care about that.
This story is just plain entertaining as hell.
My only complaint is that the hero/protagonist is defending himself too much when he does something insightful or that would be considered out of place for him.
Its supposed to be a man. As a man, we hardly ever defend ourselves or our actions. I am not saying not to have him react when he does something nice- Just not always "Hey, I can be nice" or "shut up."
992573
Well, Bruce is kinda a jerk. Actually, scratch that. He's not a jerk, per se though he does really jerky things. He just THINKS he's a massive jerk. So when it gets to something that seems less jerky, he feels as though he's 'out of character' and has to defend himself. It's like the local douche parlor's least douchiest guy being an actual decent human being trying to tell his douchey friends what he did and why he acted so 'gay.'
And what do you mean 'as a man?' I'm actually in my thirties. And, coincidentally, male. So maybe you come from a different social structure/family upbringing ...
992611
'As a man', he'd totally sing the men-in-tights song!
992600
...yeah, yeah I could have gone that way. But that would only forestall the inevitable. I, honestly, didn't think of that when Pinkie happened and, in essence, neither did Bruce. He has a knowledge of the show so if it wasn't that, it would have been Pinkie Sense or a random happenstance between the characters that only someone who knows of them would know. I could have worked it better, yes. But the end result would have been the same.
I blame lack of planning and my mother's dog, somehow.
This story amuses me. I just read every chapter, and almost cried when I saw this chapter didn't have a 'next chapter' button.
Bruce is gonna need therapy. Years of it.
Poor lad.
He seems a bit to mocking of ponies to be a brony. More like a sarcastic teenager then a 32 yr old brony. Also, when are the promised characters gonna show. (main 6)
Hey. Hey guys. Hey.
Hey.
Every time I update, I hit the feature box in the the 'recently updated' right-most two spots. It's weird ... but ya know what? I ain't complainin'!
992651 Because he's delusional or because he isn't?
992663
Pinkie's here. He'll meet the Main 6 in the next chapter or two. Next family (when the Cakes inevitably fall through) is Rarity (she's so generous), then AJ, then I was thinking another background pony couple. Maybe Derpy? I dunno. In between all of that is CMC shenanigans, Twilight's Laboratory Mishaps, a Meeting with the Princess, FINALLY somepony (nameless as yet but I have my thoughts) who believes him, and then ... the MASSIVE SECRET of how he got to Equestria. And tears.
Lots and lots of tears.
... who the fuck is cutting onions in here?
992573
Repeat after me Bruce
992666 Because he'll be living with Pinkie Pie and two toddlers. The level of insanity will immeasurable. The Cakes themselves seem more or less "normal". But hey, that's just my opinion.
More
992677 hmmm sounds good expect tears is really cryptic. Tears of pity, regret, fear, sadness, happiness, laughter,... and so on
. I know he has a wife but please let him stay in Equestria, maybe bring over his wife?
Personally, I think you should have his colt's conscience smooth out his less appealing traits Keep a small bit of snarkeness though. And as ever I REQUIRE a happy ending or else I'll....
And not the 'farewell we'll never meet again but it was a great experience' bittersweet endings
He just needs to go to Twilight. If she reads his mind he can either confirm that he is actually a pony or that he is what he says he is. And I don't think she would decline, I mean, who could refuse hurrying along the process of finding where a childs parents are by finding out where his home his?
992761
Tears of all of the above, in various doses. And there is a PLAN, shoddy and pathetic though it may be.
Now I shall repeat the author's mantra: I shall not post spoilers, I shall not post spoilers, I shall ... oh. Uh, I shall not post MORE spoilers, I shall not post MORE spoilers, I shall not post MORE spoilers ...
Also, MOAR
Going home might not be an option Bruce.
Holly crap this is so funny
I laugh so hard grate story
992762
I hereby declare you guilty for offense on following three charges
1. Rule: 14 do not feed the trolls.
2. Rule:22. Copy 'n paste is made to ruin every last bit of originality.
3 Rule:23. Copy 'n paste is made to ruin every last bit of originality.
Also add the best rule ever I just found in the list.
rule: 37.3. Pinkie Pie can divide by zero. She can break the 4th wall as canon. What can't she do?
Other good ones are
34.2. There are ponies of it, no exceptions.
35.2. If no pony is found of it, it will be made.
"Np, no, no, no, no, no, no!" ------ No
Oh I wish to see more of Bruce's life soon.
OMG MORE THIS IS AWESOME!
PINKIE IS BEST AWESOMECOOL PONY AND WANE IS TOO!
Ah, the record part got me. Clever.
I must admit, the back of an alley filled with refuse doesn't sound like the best place for an emotional confrontation...
Anyways, looking forward to what comes next here. I'm curious how you're going to handle the whole adoption business, personally.
992939
Fix'd.
GO ME, I forgot to indent my paragraphs again! Sorry about that, y'all. Keep forgetting to do that before I publish. Le sigh.
992781
Actually, I live further south (Georgia) but this guy is pretty close to me and I didn't want him to be THAT MUCH a self-insert. Course, our behaviors would be vastly different anyway so ... no problems I guess. Still, want to avoid self-insertion to that level, ya know?
992411 dont be like that
Just finished reading the story, I LOVE IT!
I have to wounder if he's going to use that broy knowledge to his advantage.
He knows things about the mane six that nopony should know, he could use scenes from the first episode to freak Twilight out, he could give her a play by play of what happened before she left canterlot for ponyville. Could freak out rainbow dash with a comment on how she broke down at the young fliers competition.
Imagine it: A creepy little orphan colt that seems to know your secrets and acts and talks like an adult? sound like the tag of a horror movie, and seeing as they don't have tvs it would freak them out pretty good. Hell, to the main cast that's premium grade nightmare fuel.
oh oh, bonus points if you can get him to quote the Gravemind from Halo. "I am a monument, to all your sins."
Last chapter, Meadow said "Is everything alright right in here, Pinkie?" but in this chapter, it was "Is everything alright in here?"
I liked the broken record pun, very clever. Another engaging chapter, well done.
993500
Hmmm. I thought I did a copy-paste on that stuff. Thanks for catching it.
Oh, and the reason I posted these two chapters together was because of their inter-related nature. I ... I'm actually almost a thousand words for the next chapter but I dunno if I'll post tonight.
Double update?
jizz in my pants
Great story
992486 You and me both.
Y'know, I get Meadows's desire to place him with an earth pony family... but that doesn't exactly work for the Cakes, now does it? If part of the problem is, as she believes, feelings of inferiority to pegasi and unicorns, it hardly makes sense to place him in a family that has only non-earth pony children. From Meadows's perspective, Bruce is likely to see Pound and Pumpkin as 'better' just because they're the Cakes' actual children; add in that they're a pegasus and a unicorn and it just gets worse. So yeah, a weird first choice.
Of course, it may just be because they're the Cakes, at which point it becomes all kinds of understandable again. Aside from Meadows trying to justify the placement to her bosses when it all falls apart. But what are the odds of that happening?
993980
Didn't even cross my mind. Add to that the whole 'Pinkie' fiasco and it kinda does fall to pieces doesn't it? Except ... they're the 'best choice' she has. There has to be paperwork for Non-Relative Placements and the only three 'families' that have done so are the Cakes, Rarity (unicorn only, no foals, no stallion in household) and Derpy Hooves (pegasus mare with unicorn filly, no stallion in household). With the other assumed problems Bruce 'has' (possible sexual molestation by one or more ponies, probably mares; possible slavery; PROBABLE neglect and/or abandonment) the Cakes were the best bet. She didn't want to stick him with mares-only because of that presumed molestation aspect and she will be hunting for more foster families in the morning, just in case things don't work out with the Cakes. It'll take her some time to get even the Apples (good, solid hardworking Earth Pony family) to accept a potential troublemaker.
EDIT: I have some ... light experience dealing with DFACS in various states so I have some understanding of the MASSIVE amounts of paperwork, checking, double checking and such that goes on. It always, ALWAYS makes me laugh when a foal/child shows up in a story and the authorities are all 'well, hell, stick him/her with such-and-such, they're nice people!' Yeah, doesn't work that way in reality folks. Court Orders, Petitions/Motions for Shelters, Dependency, things about Parental Rights, lawyers going back and forth and the kids sometimes bouncing around foster homes as things work their way to the surface about this family or that family. And don't even get me STARTED on Homes for Children, Medical Homes, Children Shelters, and the like. Even a plain-old orphanage is a vastly complex paperwork machine nowadays.
I, uhm, had a bout of inspiration so, fuck it, triple-post today.
You know what I hate about this chapter? I just found this story recently and this is the last chapter I get to read before I have to wait for an update.
I ended up loving this story more than I expected. It's probably now one of my favourite comedy HiE stories.
993626 ........ Post it tonight. I work the day shift tomorow. I HAVE A PROBLEM! AND PONIES ARE MY ONLY MEDICATION!!! ...... Well that and some prescription drugs....
906934
IMHO those who faced penitentiary sistem of US and/or poverty will disagree slightly with your statememnt. All in all, I think that your comparison ( Equestria = US) isn't right, cause the only reason behind prosperity of Golden Billion is that : it consumes 80% of world's obtained resources.
Also I for one think that in case of MLP (and almost any other fiction) one of the most dangerous things is СПГС (Синдром Поиска Глубинного Смысла)
SoPMS (Search of Profound Meaning Syndrome). We don't have canon for almost every "adult" aspect of this world cause it's TD are children. You can do anything in your fiction, but if it had lost any connection to canon and it's spirit why call it FiM fiction?
Thank SCG it's not the case here. I loved all of the chapters so far. So much in fact, that I not only faved and liked them, but finally made my friend register on fimfiction to read and fav this. I humbly ask you for MOAR.
P.S. So you have got a plan. How many chapters will be there?