1,000 Quiet Years
Princess Celestia sat comfortably upon her throne, sipping tea and listening to the sounds of activity about her. Cliques of government officials milled about the throne room; if she concentrated hard enough, Celestia could discern their individual conversations. She had known the various ponies in her administration for their entire lives, and the characteristic inflections and tones of their voices cued her in to who was speaking without the need for conscious thought on her part. Even the hoofsteps of ponies passing through the room could alert Celestia as to the identity of the pony, their current mood, and their probable destination.
Beyond the chatter of bureaucrats going to and fro in her presence, Celestia noted other sounds. She heard the thuds and crashes of attempted construction on one of the palace towers. She caught the soft swish of air as pegasi guards flew patrols and practiced maneuvers outside. She listened to the creaking of doors swung on old hinges, the rhythmic ticking of a stately grandfather clock, and an ever-present background hum that lay beneath everything.
Celestia also heard the pop of her sister materializing beside her.
“You know the guards feel nervous whenever one of us teleports,” Celestia said. She did not bother to look over at Luna, but merely savored the smooth slurp of another gulp of tea. “They seem to worry that if we are out of their sights for an instant, something tragic will happen to us.”
Luna tossed her mane in a careless shrug. “Then perhaps the guards should question the usefulness of trying to protect immortal alicorns who possess powers they can scarcely comprehend. I cannot fathom why you did not dissolve the E.U.P. hundreds of years ago.”
“Well, the soldiers were restless after centuries of peace, and there were only so many spots available in the Wonderbolts. I did not want to leave them with nothing to do.”
Luna snorted. “Surely there was some enemy they could have fought. In the years before my banishment, we seemed to encounter a new foe every other day.”
Celestia breathed in another sip of tea. “On the contrary. During the whole millennium you were on the moon, not one single villain tried to depose me, conquer Equestria, subjugate our little ponies, or plunge the land into a state of eternal mid-morning. It was really quite a boring time.”
“Please, sister,” Luna said. “You cannot expect me to believe that as soon as I was gone, our steady stream of adversaries was abruptly cut off. Why, pray tell, would such a thing occur?”
With a soft sigh, Celestia set down her tea. The cup emitted the faintest tap as it came to rest on its saucer. “I had hoped you would never ask me that, sister. The answer to that question is somewhat…delicate.”
“Delicate?” echoed Luna. Her hooves rustled uneasily. “Why would it be delicate?”
“You see,” Celestia began, shifting uneasily on her throne. The cushions beneath her produced the peculiar swishing sound of fabrics rubbing against one another. “The reason we had so many enemies before you were banished, and none once you were gone—well, the reason is you, Luna.”
“Me?” exclaimed Luna with haughty incredulity. “Whatever do you mean?”
“Think about it,” Celestia replied. “Before your vacation on the moon, we fought a new foe every couple of years. And since your return, Twilight and her friends have encountered all of our old adversaries, as well as a couple of new ones. But during the intervening thousand years, Equestria was inexplicably at peace. The only variable that had changed was your absence.”
“And just how am I responsible for every monster that has ever threatened Equestria?” growled Luna.
“Scholars debated the matter for centuries,” Celestia said with a conversational matter-of-factness. “Some theorized you had poisoned the dreams of our enemies as a prelude to your rebellion as Nightmare Moon. Others suggested evil creatures were naturally drawn to your darkness. Many experts simply gave up on trying to explain it and said it was lunacy.”
“Lunacy?”
“Yes. The word originated as the technical term for your insanity as bringer of the eternal night. Then some scholars started applying it to the crazy schemes of our other enemies. They seemed to think it was your influence that caused our adversaries to behave in such a manner.”
“So whenever I hear somepony use the word ‘lunatic’…”
“They refer to a pony who has been driven insane by your diabolical machinations. Though I admit that perhaps the technical definition is lost on many ponies in the present age.”
Celestia again levitated her tea to her mouth and drank a long slurp. Beside her, Luna noiselessly worked her jaw through all sorts of disbelieving contortions.
Finally, Luna managed to recover her voice. “And do you believe this madness, sister?”
“Of course not,” Celestia said. “While I have long been aware of the corollary between your presence and the national threat level, I do not in the slightest believe you are to be held responsible for the connection.”
Luna let out a relieved breath. “Thank you, sister, for your support. And have you discovered the cause of this apparent link between me and our enemies?”
“Yes, I have.” Celestia paused to scratch an itch on her side before continuing. “It is your mane.”
“My…mane?”
“Precisely.” Celestia stretched her neck to the side, waiting to hear the satisfying crack of gas escaping her joints. “Your mane constantly emits a magically-enhanced, high-pitched buzzing noise that tends to irritate other ponies. The more dark magic a pony possesses, the louder the hum sounds to her.”
“What?” Luna did not seem inclined to believe Celestia.
“Listen, sister,” Celestia instructed. She held a hoof to her ear. “Do you hear that continual humming in the background? Listen carefully.”
Luna dutifully fell quiet and listened intently to the noise around her. Her eyelids closed as she focused on separating the different sounds in the throne room and on isolating the steady background hum. A minute later, her eyes opened again and a frown formed on her face.
“That sound is coming from my mane?” Luna asked, hesitantly.
“Yes,” affirmed Celestia.
“And it sounds louder to creatures that wield evil magic?”
“Definitely.”
“So every opponent we have ever fought, every adversary that has ever endangered the safety of our subjects—they have all attacked because they cannot stand the sound my mane makes?”
“I am afraid so, sister.”
“In that case,” Luna said, rising to her hooves with a loud clatter, “I must be off at once.”
“To do what, dear sister?” Celestia asked in surprise.
“To shave my mane off.”
Luna vanished with a distinct pop.
“You summoned me, Princess?” asked a royal guard as he bowed before Celestia.
“Yes,” she said. “I need you to do something for me.”
“Anything, Princess,” he replied.
“I need you to go to Princess Luna’s chambers and leave on her bed a copy of Princess Twilight’s report on the Tree of Harmony,” Celestia said. “Make sure Luna will notice the report as soon as she returns.”
“The report detailing how the Tree protected the nation for a thousand years while slowly dying, and how recent instances of ponies wielding the Elements drained the Tree of its power and removed its protective spell from Equestria?”
“Yes, that is the one.” Celestia absently tapped her hoof against the throne as she spoke. Her mind was preoccupied with the considerate deed she wanted to do for her sister. “I think Princess Luna would be interested in learning what kept our nation safe during her absence.”
As the guard stood and turned to leave, something else occurred to Celestia. “Oh, and the choir that I hired to stand in the hall and maintain a constant, monotone hum? You can thank them for their work and tell them they can stop now.”
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Very nice! Great success!
That was amazing. It deserves a comedy tag.
Yes.
trollestia strikes again!
7798697 Thanks. I've added the comedy tag now.
Celestia you lying bitch
But I can't help but laugh
Celestia may have just made a wig-maker very rich.
Best. Prank. Ever.
I'd love to see Luna's "reply".
She just went full trollestia.
That was mean Celestia.
But funny. 
Short, sweet and unexpected ending. I love it.
When Celestia does stuff like this, it makes you realise why she wanted Discord reformed so badly. She likes a bit of mischief.
This is stupidly hilarious.
Celestia is best troll
Nice one!
E.U.P.? Am I missing something?
I've never figured the palace guards were only -- or even mainly -- personal bodyguards of the princess(es) to fend off assassins. They've got to run crowd control when the Princess is out in public (and keep her from being mobbed by adoring fans!), and they've got to secure the palace grounds so any random pony (or otherwise) can't just wander in and vandalize, loot, harass the staff and guests, etc.
that was a horrible prank, it took me forever to grow my mane back.
7799571 E.U.P. is like the military, im not sure exactly what it stands for. equestria unified protection maybe?
7799571
7799618
Actually EUP is a pretty mundane acronym - Earth, Unicorn, Pegasi. Twilight explained it in "Testing, Testing 123" while trying to teach Rainbow the history of the Wonderbolts:
Rainbow Dash: [sighs] Can't we just watch the history of the Wonderbolts movie?!
Twilight Sparkle: No! Now, just get comfortable, and experience the magic of learning. Ahem. Prior to the great Celestia/Luna rift, there was no need for the Earth, Unicorn, Pegasi, or E.U.P., Guard.
7799571 7799618 Earth (pony) Unicorn and Pegasus. The three tribes which make up the military force. It was mentioned very briefly in the episode where Rainbow had the Wonderbolts Exam.
No, lunatic was used back in the day to describe how changes in the moon supposedly made people insane.
I know you're trying to base the english language around horse princesses, but details like what was stated in this fic really irk me, even if its just for fun.
It was an enjoyable story though.
EDIT: Can we shoot for 30 dislikes?
EDIT: ALMOST (12/18/2016)
7799650 7799661 *facehooves*
You wrote it to drown out the constant background hum......
*Cackles.* Oh my god that is simply diabolical!
Trollestia strikes again!
AHAHAHAHA!!
that was delightfully evil 
Let's all take a second and consider the fact that if you try hard enough, you can hear the background hum (in some cases, it's a whistle). To be honest, when I'm trying to sleep it drives me crazy! Or am I just crazy? Please tell me I'm not the only one.
I can see the sequel now...
The Lunar Cycle
7799871
No, it is not just you. That just means you have been dabbling with dark and forbidden magics. A Friendship and Harmony agent will be by your house shortly for immediate petrification and removal to a secure location citizen.
7799677
And, in Equestria, changes in the moon were caused by Princess Luna. Therefore, anypony driven insane by changes in the moon must logically have been driven insane by Princess Luna...
7799946
What?
...Okay. It's official. Celestia is an evil genius.
7799693 welcome to the internet, where an army of faceless nerds are just waiting for the chance to jump up and offer corrections for the chance to sound smart
7799928 Things I learn, tinnitus sufferers are all dark magic users. Thats about 20% of the population, wow.
I can't believe I'm upvoting this.
7799928
What if I'm not home?
oh my god you magnificent bastard, that was glorious.
7800014
Well, they DO tend to make the sickest of heavy metal, so....
7798769 Welcome
Trollestia strikes again.
Poor Luna. Hair today, gone tomorrow...
So... it is Luna's fault?
OH MY GOD
BRILLIANT
Nightmare Moon's bald return in 3...2...1...
You know, I wonder if Luna didn't go crazy because ponies didn't appreciate the night enough, but due to Celestia's trolling. Well, here's hoping Luna comes up with an appropriate "reply" (that doesn't involve turning into Nightmare Moon again).
7799650
Strangely, I don't remember that. However. . . In one of my fics, written long long before that episode (and still sadly unfinished; I'll get back to it someday I promise!) I noted that an antique coin from the early days of Equestria had E.P.U. stamped on it. "Equestrian Ponies Unite"
Well, that was deliciously evil. Poor Luna.
Ah, trollestia at her finest.
Poor Luna. I hope she can figure out some sort of proper payback. Maybe not to react at all? I think that would drive Celestia nuts.
I wonder if Luna's hair keeps doing its thing after being cut of.
Later that night, Luna began twisting Celestia's dreams into nightmares for months. This went on for so long, Celestia couldn't get any sleep and ended up a tired mess.