Humphrey Dinklehuegen and the Talking Horses

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 9: The Muggle World

When Humph disapperated, he dropped several inches onto moist ground. He immediately felt nauseous, and from the looks on their faces, so did his passengers.

“What the hay was that?” cried Trixie.

“I aspirated,” said Humph. He looked around. They were standing on the side of a muddy swamp, surrounded by ominous trees covered in Spanish moss. “Which means I teleported us.”

“To where?” asked Fluttershy.

“Not sure,” said Humph. “I learned the part about leaving, but never the part about arriving to anywhere specific.” Several large insects floated by his head. “Well, at least it’s not Detroit.”

A banjo sounded from the distance.

“Well, that’s not good,” said Humph.

The bushes behind him rustled, and a man in dirty overalls stuck his head out of the shrubbery.

“Them’s some might pretty horses you’ve got there,” he said, smiling as he looked at Fluttershy’s tail.

Humph and the ponies screamed and grabbed each other, apirating yet again to elsewhere. The man in the bushes watched, and then looked disappointed. “Why do all the pretty ones always go and tel’port away from me?”

They emerged from intermediate apiration space again, this time in an empty building.

“Where are we now?” asked Fluttershy.

Humph’s eyes widened. “Oh no! Could it be? Is this- -DETROIT? Or worse- -CLEAVELAND?” He sniffed several times, then seemed to calm down. “Nope. It’s Liverpool.” Fluttershy burst into tears.

“So, what now?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Liverpool is muggle territory,” said Humph. “So…that’s good. They wouldn’t dare follow us in here.”

“What’s a muggle?”

“A human who can’t use magic. They outnumber wizards one to ten thousand, have profoundly more advanced technology, economic capacity, socially advanced society, and weapons that make even the worst of wizard curses look like a stiff breeze. Also, they’re not allowed to know about wizards or magical creatures. For some reason.”

“So, basically the earth ponies of the human race?” said Sweetie Belle.

“I don’t know what that is, but yes.”

“It sounds terrifying,” said Fluttershy. “I don’t want to go!”

“Well, we have to. I have a second home, and we need to get there. There’s no way I can aspirate us, because I’m as liable to put us on the moon as I am to actually get us anywhere useful. I materialized inside a wall once. I think I died.”

“But then how are we going to get there?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“The bus.”

“Oh…”

“But first, we need to be disguised. Here.” He produced the three bottles of polyjuice potion. “Drink these. It will make you look human.”

“Is it safe?” said Sweetie Belle, levitating a bottle toward her with her horn.

“Sunflower doesn’t make bad potions. She isn’t, well, me. Trust me, she’s been making this stuff since she was an adorable little filly. She uses it every time she wants to go anywhere where there are muggles or wizards.”

“Being a centaur? Yeah, I could see that,” said Trixie, opening her bottle and drinking it. She immediately nearly coughed it back up. “Oh sweet Luna’s German shepherd hips! That is DISGUSTING!”

Fluttershy took a sip and smacked her lips. “Why does it taste like goblin urine?”

Humph shrugged. “I think it’s an ingredient.”

Sweetie Belle looked at the other two, clearly not wanting to drink the foul solution, but peer pressure eventually overcame her better judgement and she took a swig.

They just stood there for a moment, and Humph wondered if it was actually working. Then they all collapsed on the ground and started screaming.

“Don’t worry, that’s normal!” cried Humph over the noise.

“But it feels so WEIRD!”

Their bodies began to shift. Their muzzles became shorter and their ears less pointy. Their torsos reconfigured, and their legs extended as their coats retracted back into their bodies. Humph watched, slightly grossed out by their bizarre half-horse intermediate step. It took less than a minute to complete, though, and after all the joint cracking and complaining stopped, the three stood up from the floor- -and each promptly fell right back down.

The polyjuice potion had indeed worked, providing each of them with a human form represented from Sunflower’s library of hundreds if not thousands of genetic samples. Sweetie Belle had been rendered as a young dark-skinned girl with silvery hair, and Trixie as a sharp-featured middle-aged woman with extremely dark eyes and black hair. Fluttershy, meanwhile, had been converted into a tall, thin woman with soft eyes and strawberry blonde hair.

Humph looked at them- -and then, after several seconds, realized that something was wrong. “GAH!” he cried, slapping his hand over his eyes. “CLOTHES! I forgot the CLOTHES!”

“Trixie still has a cape and hat,” said Trixie.

“That does not count! In fact, that makes it WORSE!”

“Oh dear!” cried Fluttershy, covering herself with her newfound hands. “I’m naked- -in public! It’s my worst fear ever!”

“Fluttershy, you’re always naked in public,” said Sweetie Belle. “And with a body like that? I’d hardly be ashamed.” She looked down at her own. “I mean, look at me. I totally dig the color, but why did I end up looking like a kid? Does that mean Sunflower keeps a bottle of potion that makes her look like an eleven-year-old, or did I just go to my actual age? I mean, Trixie clearly did.”

“Hey! Trixie is not actually this old!”

“Still super awkward!” cried Humph. “Put some clothes on! I can’t- -this is so WRONG!”

“Look who’s talking,” said Sweetie Belle, noting the fact that Humph was still in his underwear. She sighed. “Hold on, I’ll cast a clothing spell.” She leaned forward, making a face, but no magic came out. Her eyes widened. “What?” She reached up suddenly to her forehead. “M- -my horn!” she squealed. “It’s GONE!”

“Humans don’t exactly have horns,” said Trixie. “Though, looking at Humph right now…”

“I’ve been UNHORNED! I- -I’m like an earth pony!”

“It’s not that bad,” said Fluttershy.

“Oh yeah? Tell that to your wings!”

Fluttershy turned around and lifted her hair. The polyjuice potion had not compensated entirely for them, and she still had a pair- -they were just extremely tiny. “Oh my,” she said, her inch-long wings fluttersing from her back. “Well…I suppose I can relate better to how Scootaloo feels now.”

“I can’t do magic without my horn!” cried Sweetie Belle.

“And my wand got totally pwnt!” said Humph, still covering his eyes.

“Trixie’s wand didn’t,” said Trixie, pulling hers out of her hat. “Trixie can do the spell.”

“Great,” said Sweetie Belle. She took a breath. “I have confidence in you, though, Trixie.” She then told her how to perform the spell.

Trixie pointed the wand at Fluttershy, who squealed and tried to escape. She was unable to, though, and Trixie shot a bolt of pale yellow energy at her. Fashionable blazer, olive skirt, and a pair of leggings and boots appeared over her body. Trixie then pointed the wand at herself, giving herself a set of black jeans and a blue blouse but keeping her cape and hat. She then fired at Sweetie Belle, whose body was immediately covered in a skirt and midriff-exposing T-shirt.

“Awesome!” said Sweetie Belle.

“Woops,” said Trixie. She shot again, and the shirt expanded to cover Sweetie Belle’s entire torso while her skirt expanded to mid-calf.

“Aww,” said Sweetie Belle, disappointed.

“Your turn, Humph,” said Trixie.

“Not necessary,” said Humph. “It wouldn’t help anyway. Just because they’re not going to go all-out on us doesn’t mean they’re not going to be looking for us. And they already know what I look like.”

“Then…what?”

“This.”

Humph’s body shifted shape, and he began to shrink. His body rapidly condensed until he was on all fours, and he resolved into a dog-like creature with a long tail and a striped back and rear.

“What the hay is that supposed to be?” said Trixie.

“Oh. My. GERSH!” cried Fluttershy, grabbing both Trixie and Sweetie Belle and literally throwing them out of her way. “That’s- -that’s a thylacine! You turned into a thylacine!”

Humph, now as an animal, smiled and leapt forward into Fluttershy’s arms and began to lick her face. “Oh, stop! You’re just so adorable!”

“What’s a thylacine?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“They are super-rare predatory marsupials in Equestria,” explained Fluttershy. “They were almost extinct, but through careful conservation efforts we were able to bring them back to a healthy population! I can only assume that they’re commonplace in this word! No one will ever even know he’s out of the ordinary!”

And, as far as they knew, they were completely normal and blended in perfectly. Two woman and one young girl who clearly had never walked on two legs in their entire life, with one wearing a wizard hat and cape, walking down a Liverpool sidewalk with a thylacine.

“Oh dear!” said Fluttershy, nearly falling over as she tried to balance. “I though Twilight was joking when she said how hard this was! Oh dear, oh my!”

“Ha!” said Trixie, managing to walk semi-competently. “The Great and Powerful Trixie is better at walking than any purple alicorn ever will be!”

Several passing people stared at her as she shouted that particular line, but they largely continued on their way.

“There’s so many people!” noted Sweetie Belle.

“I know!” said Fluttershy. “I’m so afraid! Why are they all looking at me?”

“Frankly?” said Trixie. “You totally lucked out on the potion draw there. Even Trixie think’s your totally hot. For a human, anyway.”

“Eep!” squeaked Fluttershy, closing her arms over her chest. “I’m not hot, I’m Fluttershy!”

A passing woman suddenly bumped into her, and she would have fallen if Humph had not reared on his hind legs to steady her from behind.

“Oi, watch it!” said a greasy, long haired woman with a heavy French accent. She was walking with a tall disinfested blonde man, and both had striking blue eyes. “You little- -I’m gonna EAT YOU!”

“Noooo! Don’t eat me! I’m not delicious! I’m not delicious at all!”

“We’re sorry,” said Sweetie Belle, stepping forward. “We’re not from around here. Can you tell us where the nearest bus station is.”

“Bus? Yeah,” said the man, his accent American. “It’s that way about five blocks. If you wait an extra hour, you can get one of those neat two-deckers. Or the ones with the bend in the middle.”

“I’m about to bend her in the middle!” said the woman, lunging at Fluttershy. “And your little dog too!”

The man put his hand on her shoulder. “Come on, Bob,” he said as he lead her away. “This is Britain, remember? You’re not even allowed to be here.”

“Fine,” she muttered as she allowed herself to be led off.

“M- -muggles are scary!” said Fluttershy, on the verge of tears. “I don’t like it here!”

“Well, the wizards are worse,” said Sweetie Belle, quietly pointing to a space where several robed figures appeared out of an alley. They were quite blatantly wizards, but seemed not to realize it.

Humph looked back at them, but then started walking in the opposite direction quickly. The others looked back and followed him.

“How did they find us?” muttered Sweetie Belle.

“How am I supposed to know?!” retorted Trixie. “Just keep walking.”

“That’s easier said than done!”

They continued to stumble down the street, taking a minor detour to duck out of sight of the wizards. They thought they were in the clear when a voice called out from behind them.

“Oi!” said a gruff voice. The group froze, and turned around, expecting to see a wizard bearing down on them. Instead, they saw a man in a fluorescent chartreuse vest and a silly hat towering over them. “Stop right there! Police!”

“Uh…we’re already stopped,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Don’t you talk back to me, I am the Law!” He pointed at Humph, who was currently urinating on a fire hydrant. “I got reports of a dog walking around without a leash? And what do I find? A dog without a leash!”

“Oh my,” said Fluttershy, picking Humph up and hugging him under his armpits. His tail started to wag. “We’re so sorry! But just look at him! He wouldn’t do anything bad at all!”

“It’s still against the law! And…wait a minute…” a slow realization crossed his face. “I don’t think that’s a dog at all! Mi instincts are telling me its- -a WILD ANIMAL! And that’s against the law!”

“But you are the law, aren’t you?” said Sweetie Belle sarcastically. “So, just change yourself or something.”

The man glared at her. “You’re a bit less pale than we normally see around here, aren’t ya?”

“Excuse me?”

“And them two don’t look like your mother, soooo…” He pulled out a nightstick. “British police aren’t allowed to carry guns, so I guess it’s beating time!”

Trixie slipped her wand into her palm and fired a bolt of pale white energy at the man. It struck him, and his eyes widened as he dropped his club.

“Sweet mother of Mary’s mother, also named Mary! I’m late for my proctorological examination! I have to get to my dentist, right NOW!” He promptly sprinted off, shouting to the sky. “Doctor Granger! Doctor Granger! Don’t worry, I’m coming!”

“What did you just do?” said Sweetie Belle.

“I don’t know,” said Trixie. “But whatever it was, it worked. I think.”

They made it to the bus without incident. Getting on it, though, was more difficult. Trixie fell of the stares at least three times, and Sweetie Belle twice. Then they quickly found out that they had no money, and that they were not allowed to bring a “dog” onto the bus with them. With hardly any effort, though, Fluttershy managed to convince the driver to let them ride for free, in part because the driver’s eyes never left her chest as she acted demure and otherwise adorable.

The ride itself was long, though. Humph spent most of it with his head out the window, clearly pretending- -or not pretending at all- -to be a dog, even though he was actually a marsupial. Fluttershy eventually fell asleep hugging him, while Sweetie Belle listed spells from memory and tried to get Trixie to learn them.

It was quite a long time before the breaks of the bus hissed and it came to its final stop. Fluttershy awoke with a start, and Sweetie Belle and Trixie looked out the windows only to see that they had long since passed civilization. In fact, they had long since passed the countryside. They were deep in the deepest deaths of the moors.

“This is worse than the creepy swamp,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Not really,” said Humph. They all turned to him, seeing that he was now sitting in the bus seat as a human, with Fluttershy still hugging him. “There’s no banjos here.”

“It’s not exactly the banjo that makes it scary,” said Trixie.

“Oh yes it is,” said Fluttershy, hugging Humph tighter.

They left the bus and started walking down a dirt path as the bus trundled off toward Liverpool or wherever it was going. The sun was just starting to rise, and the grassy land was cool and misty.

“Is this place safe?” asked Trixie, looking around.

“As safe as a moor can be,” said Humph. “Don’t worry. This is as far away from anything as you can get short of Butte Nowhere in the USA. Wizards don’t come out this far, and the nearest village is about twelve miles away.”

“And you have a house out here?”

“Well, yeah. All wizards have at least two houses. That way we have somewhere to hide when the fit hits the shan.”

They walked up a tree-lined walkway and crested a small hill. The ponies, fully expecting a less-well-furnished version of Ivan’s shack on the other side, gasped at the sight. Sprawling before them was an enormous modern house surrounded by thinly planted pines.

“That- -that’s your house?”

“Who did you steal it from?” asked Trixie.

“No one,” said Humph, shrugging. “I bought it.”

“With what money?! You’re poorer than I am!”

“No,” said Sweetie Belle. “You’re poorer than Scootaloo!”

“Probably, but it’s not hard. I’m a wizard, remember?”

“So what?” said Trixie. “I’m a wizard, and I’m not rich!”

“Take a look,” said Humph, flicking a gold coin to Trixie. “Galleons. They’re made of gold. Three grams each. That’s ninety pounds if you melt it down and pawn it to muggles.”

“And they just let you do that?”

“Oh no. They’re enchanted. It’s impossible to damage them by any magical means, including melting them down.”

“So how do you do it?”

“Blowtorch.”

“Oh.”

“That, or I just use that gemino thing. It doesn’t work on galleons or gold, but…100 ruble coins aren’t made of gold, are they? And then of course there’s the white-collar crime. About twenty years ago, the Ministry got super obsessed with hunting down muggle-borns and completely understaffed the financial crimes division. Laundered my Grindenwald cash, and, well, smelted it.”

“Twenty- -how old exactly are you, Humph?”

Humph paused, confused. “You know…I’m not entirely sure…”

They continued to walk down the path, and as they did, the polyjuice potion started to wear off. Trixie, Sweetie Belle, and Fluttershy began to shrink and become increasingly quadrupedal until they were once again ponies.

“Oh, thank Cadence,” said Sweetie Belle, shaking off her skirt. “Don’t tell my sister, but I HATE wearing clothes.”

“Really? Me too!” said Humph.

“I didn’t mind so much,” said Fluttershy. “But I’m glad I’m a pony again.”

As they were talking, and object suddenly fell from the cloudy sky and hit the ground with a sickening thump. Fluttershy screamed and hid behind Trixie.

A heavily charred Ivan sat up, derping substantially and smiling.

“Ivan, you made it!” said Humph.

“Da!” said Ivan. “Trajectory was being the great much good! For time, Ivan was being the greatest of cosmonauts!” He removed his hat and pulled a fresh trench coat from it. He put it on, buttoning it, and tapped the hat with his wand, turning it back into Kiwi and replacing it on his head. He then reached into one of his pockets and removed a bottle of potion, which he immediately started drinking.

“Do you want to come in?” said Humph, pointing to his front door, which was now in sight.

“No,” said Ivan, shaking his head. “Ivan is not exactly being the indoor Ivan.”

“He no know how to use da wittew box,” whispered Kiwi.

“Besides, is being such great of day. Ivan thinks Ivan will enjoy outdoors. View looks so much different from not-orbit.”

Humph shrugged, and they walked to his house. He opened the door- -it was not locked- -and entered the house. Sweetie Belle was immediately struck both by how big it was, and how empty it felt. Even the smell was strange, like stale are and fresh paint.

“Wow,” she said, entering and crossing the marble floor. “This place is great! Why don’t you live here?”

“Why? Because it’s in the middle of nowhere. So lonely. I like my other house. It’s near my friends.”

“I’m sorry,” said Fluttershy. “That we messed it up for you.”

“Oh, it’s not a problem,” said Humph. He crossed into another room which, the ponies quickly realized, had an astounding view of the sea beyond it. He opened a drink cabinet, but instead of removing a glass of whatever was in there, he pulled out a straw.

“First order of business is getting a new wand,” he said. Without warning, he reached out and plucked one of Trixie’s tail hairs.

“OW! Hey, what did you do that for?!”

“Unicorn hair is magical,” said Humph, sliding the silver thread into the straw and crimping the ends with his teeth. He pointed the resulting red-plastic device at himself and swirled it. New clothes appeared over his body. “And there we go!”

“You do realize you just took a massive dump on three thousand years of wandlore, right?” said Sweetie Belle.

“Pff. Wandlore is made up junk anyway. All wands nowadays are just particleboard around magic polyester fibers. Unless you’re one of those super-rich Hogwarts types who can afford one of those craptastic ‘hand crafted’ wands. This is a step up from the last one, actually.” He walked toward a window- -not the one facing the ocean- -and opened it. “Second order of business…” He removed Awl from his pocket and tied a note around the undead bird. Then, without warning, he chucked the owl out the window. It sailed through the air and out of sight before plummeting to the ground. In the distance, Ivan cried out in surprise as he was struck.

“Wh- -what did you do that for?!” shrieked Fluttershy.

“I need to send a letter to Vince. He’s my only contact not on the run right now. Don’t worry, we’re pretty much brothers. I can trust him.”

“That’s not what I mean- -you just threw a helpless owl!”

“Well he can’t take off on his own! And besides, we wizards have been using owls to send letters since at least e-mail was invented. Trust me, he’ll get there. And he definitely needs the exercise. He eats way to- -oh. Wait. He doesn’t eat. Dead and all. But he’ll still get there.”

Before Fluttershy could continue to yell, a knock came at the door. Everyone froze.

“Is that…Ivan?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

“Ivan never knocks,” said Humph. “He says it’s bourgeois. That’s someone else.”

They looked at each other, and the knock came again. Humph started walking toward the door.

“You can’t be serious!” said Trixie. “Don’t open it!”

“Why?” said Humph, reaching the door and grabbing the handle.

“What if its THEM?”

“Well, then, they’re coming through the windows soon anyway.”

He threw open the door. An unusually tall blonde woman with short-cut hair looked down at him. She did not seem at all happy, and despite her model-like appearance, her presence was palpably intimidating.

“Hello,” said Humph. “What can I do for you?”

“It’s me, you idiot,” she said.

“I don’t know any ‘Mi’- -”

She slapped him. “Sunflower, you idiot.”

“Oh. Oh! Well come right- -”

“Wait a minute!” Sweetie Belle stepped forward, blocking the woman’s path. “How do we know that you’re Sunflower? You could be her using polyjuice, but you could also be one of THEM pretending to be her!”

“Wow, you’re right!” said Humph. “I didn’t even think of that! And wait a minute, you just slapped me! Only Sunflower is allowed to do that because I’m secretly attracted to her. So if you’re not her- -” He paused. “Oops. Because if you are…”

“You need to tell us something only Sunflower would know,” said Sweetie Belle.

The woman raised an eyebrow. “Like what?”

Sweetie Belle thought for a moment. “In your barn. Next to where you keep the sextants. You were working on a project. It was there when I was, an object. What was it?”

“Next to the sextants…that would be…” The woman’s eyes widened and she suddenly became as red as a beet. “Oh no- -”

“What was it?”

“Forget it!” she said, turning on her heel and starting to walk away. “I’m not Sunflower! Not at all! I’ll just be going!”

“Sunflower!”

Sunflower turned around again, then mumbled something.

“What was that?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“It was a…hfmfmfs.”

“A what?”

“A…a…” She took a deep breath, and then screamed at them. “It was a SADDLE? Okay? I like leatherworking, is there something wrong with that?! And so what if I sometimes put it on and prance around like a common mule? So what if I like having little jingle bells hanging from it?! It makes me feel pretty!” She pointed at Humph. “Don’t judge me, Dinklehuegen!”

“I’m not judging you,” said Humph. “What you do in your spare time is your own business. It just…I don’t know, it sounds so lonely.”

“Lonely? What do you mean ‘lonely’?”

“That you have a pretty saddle but no one to ride in it.”

Sunflower blushed even harder, and Sweetie Belle saw her reaching for a holster under her jacket. “Okay! Okay! It’s you!”

“Yeah,” muttered Trixie. “I don’t think anyone else could possibly be that tsundere…”

Sunflower was allowed to enter the house, and unlike the ponies she clearly had no difficulty walking on two legs or even the set of stiletto heels she was wearing.

“Wow,” said Trixie. “And I thought Fluttershy won the polyjuice lottery.”

“Ha ha,” said Sunflower, throwing back her waist-length and perfect yellow hair. “Funny.” She turned to Humph and held out a small purse-like container. “I picked up something on the way here. You have got to see this.”

Comments

[RDDash]

Implying that Ollivander shop is a scam