Humphrey Dinklehuegen and the Talking Horses

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 17: Home

“Here,” said Sweetie Belle, levitating the red crystal in her magic. Sunflower had confirmed that it was indeed an Origin Stone, but one of a quality that was beyond anything she had ever seen. It was not one of the crude modern ones, but one formed in timeless antiquity from an age where arcane knowledge and strength had been far stronger that it would eventually become.

Fluttershy took the crystal in her hoof and opened the puzzle cube she had been constructing. With a few quick motions, she affixed it into the transmission matrix. A stone that had allowed one man to command an army of the dead, to the point where he could project his own magic and voice through them- -it was the final piece.

“It’s done,” she said, looking up.

“And so am I,” said Humph. He stood up and wiped his forhead. The spell necessary to activate the portal required a blood sacrifice, and Humph had just finished arranging blood pudding into a pentagram on the floor of a dark stone room in the Brotherhood of the Brown Finger’s basement.

“Trixie?”

“Hold on,” grumbled Trixie, who was in charge of painting the various diabolical runes that were meant to surround the blood pentagram.

“Are you sure you want to go?” said Sunflower.

“We have to go home,” said Fluttershy. “It’s not that we want to leave, but…”

“I know,” she said. She knelt down, and the three ponies hugged her. ‘

“I hate to be crass,” said Eugene, who was standing beside Maggie and watching from a slightly longer distance, “but it’s probably for the better. You two are the last sources of unicorn blood in this universe. If you stay, there will always be a risk of the Dark Lord returning. Vincent is still out there, and he’ll be back eventually.”

“But what about my blood?” said Trixie. “You seem to be, well, keeping it.”

“Don’t worry,” said Maggie. “We’re using a straw-byer to trade it into the Ministry. They’ll destroy it so it can no longer be a threat to our world.”

“Yeah, and with the price hit from that, we’re barely going to break even after the amount of damage you did to our stocks. John and Lester are STILL packing those buckets back into each other.”

“Yes, but we’ll still get a profit selling all of his inferi,” noted Maggie. “They are VERY high quality. We’ve already had several requests from members of the Brotherhood.”

There was a sniffling sound from next to her, and Ivan suddenly burst into tears. “Ivan so sad to see tiny horses go!” He buried his head into Maggie’s shoulder, and she looked profoundly uncomfortable. Kiwi, who was sitting atop Ivan’s head, patted the man. “Dewe dewe Ibin, it otay! Dey goin home nao!”

“What is that smell?” said Maggie, clearly trying to hold her breath.

“Is potion,” said Ivan, holding out a bottle. “Want to the being having some?”

Trixie stood up, cracking her back and returning to Fluttershy. “I’m done,” she said. “I painted all your weird letters.

“Excellent,” said Fluttershy. She looked out at the group. “Thank you all so much,” she said. “But this is…well…going to get just a little dicey. And you’re going to see some things you’d rather not see. So please stand back.”

Fluttershy stepped into the blood pentagram and shifted the puzzle box, chaning the way the surfaces interacted with the various dark magical elements within and Sweetie Belle’s necklace. When she was done, she set it in the center- -and as she left the perimeter, it began to shift and change on its own.

Suddenly, it stopped, having solved itself, and rose into the air. The ground shook, and the ancient stone on either side suddenly lifted from the floor, pulling itself apart and reassembling itself into a large arch. The arch then seemed to fill, not with anything solid but with SOMETHING. Whatever the ethereal material was, it quickly became almost opaque and formed what looked curiously similar to a curtain.

“The veil,” whispered Sunflower. She turned to Humph. “Can…can you hear that?”

They listened. Maggie shivered, and Ivan looked pale.

“No,” said Humph. “I don’t hear anything.” He approached the gate. “Ooh, it sure is shiny though!”

He reached out and tried to touch it, but Sunflower slapped his hand out of the way. “What the heck, Humph? What are you trying to do?! That’s a gateway to the afterlife! Whatever goes in doesn’t come back out! And…well…” She paused. “I’d hate for you to…you know…get dead.”

“Aww,” said Humph. “I’d hate for you to get dead too!” He hugged her waist.

“Ahk! Too close! Public display of affection! Not here, you idiot!”

Humph released her. “I don’t know that boggarts have an afterlife, though. I think we just…keep going.”

“You’re sticking to that story, then?”

Humph nodded. “That’s what Gellert told me. And he always seemed to know what he was talking about.”

The group looked up at the portal for a few seconds longer.

“Is that it?” said Sweetie Belle. “Is that the way home?”

“Well…no,” said Fluttershy. “I don’t know how to open a portal home.”

“Then what’s that, then?”

“You’ll see, unfortunately. But I’m afraid the spell’s not complete. It still needs one more ingredient.”

“What?” said Eugene. “If we have it, I’ll get it for you. Consider it an apology for everything I put you though.”

“Oh, it’s not that,” sighed Fluttershy. “The final part of the spell requires participation from an uncorrupted mare.”

Trixie looked toward Sweetie Belle, but every other person in the room looked to Trixie. After a few moments, she seemed to realize that she was being stared at and sputtered. “M- -ME? Uncorrupted, no- -I’ve been corrupted! More than once!”

Fluttershy raised one eyebrow, not amused.

Trixie grumbled. “Hmmph, fine. But you SO owe me!”

“Stand here,” said Fluttershy, directing Trixie to a demarcated spot in the center of the pentagram, near the edge of the portal. Trixie took her place, eyeing the portal itself nervously.

“So…now what?”

“Boop,” said Fluttershy, shoving Trixie into the afterlife.

Trixie’s eyes widened and she cried out in terror, tying to claw her way out as her rear half was pulled into the ephemeral void.

“What- -why?!”

“I’m sorry, Trixie. It’s the only way for HER to come.”

“But I- -”

Several narrow, pale, long-fingered hands suddenly pushed through the shimmering surface, almost instantly beginning to corrode as they struck the air outside of their normal realm. They reached out and grasped Trixie, grabbing at her mane, body and legs. More and more hands came until Trixie finally lost her grip and was dragged screaming into the afterlife.

Everyone stared in shock, unable to comprehend what had just happened or to accept that Fluttershy had just performed a pony sacrifice. Before they could even speak, though, the surface of the arch hardened into a mirror-like solid, and Fluttershy approached her reflection and began the final portion of the summoning spell.

She began in a low tone, speaking a language with such a bizarre cadence and consonant system that even Sweetie Belle doubted that she could replicate it.

“Phlaaghen, nherneglhenthag dor’alehkdada. Vos ielahra na’dlhaquefvlg. Ia! Shub-Niggarath vlark-dak-knaldkadakan!” Her tone then shifted to her normal voice. “Ia, Mater, iube haec perferri mare de virgine. Hue ades, aeterno perditoris Avelon genuit filiam eius matrem, dominam stupris obscuris creatori omnium principium et finis, perussi animarum.” She closed her eyes. “RISE.”

She opened her eyes, and so did her reflection. Sweetie Belle screamed. The eyes looking back at her were not Fluttershy’s blue ones. They were solid crimson.

Fluttershy’s reflection then stepped forward, even though she had taken a step back. It touched the edge of the mirror on its side, and the surface of the mirror began to distort as it pushed through. There was a sound like a the cracking sound that came from the bottom of frozen lakes in the deepest cold of winter, but it was not from the mirror. It seemed to come from nowhere at all, and everywhere at once.

The pony emerged, now fully materialized. She still somewhat resembled Fluttershy; her hair, though red and longer, maintained roughly the same shape Fluttershy’s. Her coat, though, was pure gold, and despite being an earth-pony, she stood as high and as thin as a Canterlot unicorn. In fact, she was profoundly beautiful- -save for her eyes. They were pure red. There was no sclera, no pupil, no iris. Just red.

The eyes swiveled and looked down at Fluttershy. Sweetie Belle did not know how she knew where the mare was looking, seeing as her eyes were homogenous scarlet globes. There was just a bizarre sense of where she was focusing her attention.

The mare smiled, and before her teeth reverted to a vision of perfect dentistry, Sweetie Belle thought she saw hundreds upon hundreds of jagged fangs.

“Flutterbutter!” she squealed, looking overjoyed. “You actually summoned me! How’s my little fatty doing?”

Fluttershy sighed, and then almost growled her greeting. “Hello, mother.”

“Mother?” said Humph, nearly on the verge of laughing. The mare, not being amused, shot him a glance that caused him to grab his chest. “HERK! My immortal soul!” He promptly fell over. Sunflower, who was standing beside him, just let him fall.

“Difficult to tell, I know,” said the mare. “Considering how she looks right now. I’d swear to myself that she inherited her father’s genes. Oh, by the way, fatty, your father says hello.”

Fluttershy’s expression softened slightly. “Dad? How’s he doing?”

“He’s as shiny and fresh as the day I gave birth to him. We’re going on a date later.” She inhaled sharply and smiled. “You should totally come with us! It would be a double date! As in, me dating you both.”

“Don’t be crude, mother.”

“Aww. Somebody’s butthurt!”

“I’m not butthurt.”

“You totally are.” She looked around the room. “Actually, come to think of it, where in the name of me am I? This doesn’t look like Equestria. Namely because Celestia’s not trying to vaporize me. Not that she could, though. I mean, you think you’re fat, you should see rump on that mare. But oh sweet me, I’d like to cover her in frosting and- -”

Fluttershy cleared her throat loudly.

“Killjoy,” sighed the mare. “I’m going to take a guess and say this is the Wizarding World. I mean, I can see that guy’s wand through his darn pocket.”

“Wait, what?” said Humph, sitting up.

“Not you.”

“Oh.”

“I do love this world, though,” said the mare. “They have enough magic to solve every single problem on their planet, and about two percent of the population hordes it all and uses it to murder each other in the name of blood purity. It’s hilarious!”

“How is that funny?” snapped Sunflower. “And who even are you?”

“Oh. Please allow me to introduce myself.” She bowed. “I’m a mare of wealth and fame. I’ve been around a long long time and stole many a man’s soul and faith!”

Ivan seemed visibly agitated, and suddenly stiffened into a salute. “H- -hail Satin!”

“Ah,” said the mare, smiling. “Somebody here knows me!”

“The only reason I called is because I need a ride home,” said Fluttershy in a huff.

“What? Go home? To boring old Equestria? Wouldn’t you rather conquer this world? Rain death and fire from above, subvert their governments and devour their souls?”

“Mother, I’ve gone over this with you and I don’t want to talk about it again. Not here in front of my friends.”

“Well, then, may the me take your soul. Oh wait, you don’t have one. Demon and all.”

“Demon?” said Sweetie Belle.

“Mother!”

“Oh, please. Someone has to say it when you have this butt-ugly form all the time.” She looked to Sweetie Belle. “Watch this.” She leaned forward and took Fluttershy in her hooves. Before Fluttershy could resist, the larger mare kissed her on the lips. What she released was not Fluttershy at all.

The shape was the same, but much thinner. Instead of a pleasant pastel, she was a pallid color. Her hair was crimson, and her wings ragged. What was most striking, though, were her pure red eyes. Identical to her mother’s. It was the exact form that Sweetie Belle had momentarally seen her take when Starlight’s spell had gone wrong and sent them to this world.

“MOTHER!” squealed Fluttershy, baring several rows of pointed teeth.

“But you look so ADORABLE as a demon!”

“Agreed,” said Humph. “I mean, you’re just so cute, you even make the CUTEST little monster…thing.”

“See? The weird heap of protoplasm agrees with me. What…are you anyway? It’s really freaking me out.”

“Boggart.”

“Ah. That explains it. I’d probably spill my oats if I, you know, actually had a stomach.”

“Speaking of stomach,” said Fluttershy, shaking herself and reverting to her normal form. “Trixie?”

“Trixie? What’s a Trixie?”

“Give her back.”

Fluttershy’s mother whined. “But you sacrificed her! She’s mine now!”

“Mother. Don’t make me have to use the Stare.”

The golden mare protested for a moment, and then acquiesced. “I should never have taught you that. Hold on, this is going to get messy.” She opened her mouth, and as the group watched in horror, she vomited out Trixie whole.

Trixie slid onto the floor, covered in slippery mucous. Her eyes were wide and she was curled into a ball, shivering. “Trixie…has seen things…”

“Oh please. Just be glad you’re not my type. Such an ugly color. I like them…” Her eyes flicked over to Sweetie Belle. “White.”

“She’s eleven, mother.”

“So? What’s your name, you adorable little filly?”

“Sweetie Belle,” said Sweetie Belle.

“What a cute name. You, I like. Not quite ripe yet, though. But hey, an offer: how about a scholarship to the University of Tartarus?”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes sparkled. “Scholarship? Higher learning?”

“Of course. We have an excellent music program.” She leaned forward. “And I can even give you some personal lessons,” she whispered.

“What kind of lessons?”

“Oh, trust me. I’ll show you things you didn’t even think were possible- -and a few things that, theoretically, aren’t!”

“MOTHER!”

“Fine, fine! Sheesh, I try to help a filly go to a good school and you yell at me! Element of Kindness my perfectly shaped interdimensional butt!”

“It is pretty perfectly shaped,” admitted Humph. Sunflower slapped him. Hard.

“So, yeah,” said the mare. “Well, let’s get this over with. Sure, I’ll take you back. Hold onto your respective socks.”

“But…I’m not wearing socks,” said Trixie.

“Then that means your naked.”

There was a distortion of red light, and a small implosion. Then, just as easily as they had come, they were gone.

Across the dimensional expanse, Starlight and Twilight were working together to create a Starswirlian construct. It closely resembled a small sphere of ticking, clock-like components, and both of them were sweating and breathing hard from concentration.

“Hold the left membrane!” shouted Twilight.

“I’m trying!” replied Starlight, “but we’re losing stability at a geometric- -”

The construct imploded, and sent both of them flying into the crowd of ponies who were watching.

“Holy me!” shouted Twilight, sitting up and rubbing her smoking horn. “That didn’t work at ALL! That was the Spike of spells!”

“Well then we try again,” said Starlight, standing up.

“Star, we’ve been planning spells and doing math for, like, almost a week now! It hasn’t worked yet!”

“Well maybe you need to swallow a soul gem!” snapped Starlight.

“I’ve already eaten seventeen! SEVENTEEN! And one of them was a Grand! I sound like a rock tumbler when I try to walk, I can’t fit any more!”

“Well you had better find room! Trixie is still out there, somewhere, and so is Fluttershy and Rarity’s sister, and it’s all my fault!”

“Hey guys!” said Rainbow Dash, flying in. “I totally have an awesome idea! See, check this out, all we have to do is- -”

At that point, a massive dark portal opened above the crowd. The sound of billions of tormented souls filled the air, and several ponies of weaker constitution fainted. Three ponies suddenly dropped out of the portal and onto the crowd, nearly crushing poor Lyra in the process. Everypony else stepped back.

“HA!” said Rainbow Dash. “Am I awesome or what? My plan totally worked!”

“Worst way to travel EVER,” said Trixie, standing and brushing off her hat and cape and making sure that her pair of wands were both intact. “A public bus would have been better. And I’m pretty sure your mother slapped my- -”

“TRIXIE!” Starlight shot across the ground and tackled her friend in a hug. “Trixie! You’ve come back!”

“Of course I’ve come back! Nothing can keep the Great and Powerful Trixie from her very best friend! All I needed to do was create a counterspell and- -” She looked to Sweetie Belle, who was glaring at her. “And…well…get some help. A lot of help.”

“Well I’m glad you did,” said Twilight, embracing Fluttershy. She addressed Sweetie Belle. “You need to get to Carosel Boutique. Quick. Rarity’s been crying so hard that I don’t think the drainage system can handle it for much longer.”

“Oh Twilight!” said Fluttershy, hugging her friend. “It was such a terrifying place, but you’ll never believe how brave I had to be!”

“Well, I’m sure you will be telling us all about it later. But first, you need to get back to your house. Like, right now.”

“Oh! My animals! They’re probably so hungry!”

“Well, no…we put Pinkie Pie in charge of feeding them, so- -”

“You WHAT?!”

“Well, I tried assigning Rainbow Dash, but they tried to cook her alive again, so- -”

“She can’t even manage her own diet! How is she supposed to feed animals?!”

“Why do you think I told you to get over there?”

“I will, I’m on my way right now, but first- -” She hugged Twilight again, and this time even Rainbow Dash bothered to come down and join in on the hugging action.

“Aww,” said Humph, wiping a tear from his eye. “This is such a touching ending!”

Every pony fell silent and looked at him. Then Fluttershy looked up at where her mother’s portal had already closed.

“Oh crap,” she said.

Author's Note:

Remember, kids, Satin and Avalon are not actually blood relatives. Sort of. So it's okay.

Comments

[Snow]

... ... This story was one long chain of 'What' mixed with references and 'What' on a 'What' stick that I ended up laughing my ass off at anyway. Upvote.

[Mira Starlight]

Best thing I've read today.

[Unwhole Hole]

7951435 No, but thank you for pointing out that story to me. I may read it when I get a chance.