• Published 16th Dec 2016
  • 750 Views, 16 Comments

Humphrey Dinklehuegen and the Talking Horses - Unwhole Hole



In a spell gone wrong, Fluttershy, Trixie, and Sweetie Belle are sent to the Wizarding World and into the care of an incompetant wizard.

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Chapter 1: A Fine Day in Ponyville

The sun was shining bright, held aloft in the sky by Celestia’s unfathomable and possibly unholy alicorn-god power. The weather was bright and cheerful, with puffy white clouds positioned just so by a crew of Pegasi devoted to the absolute engineering of all atmospheric phenomena in Ponyville and the surrounding districts. That job apparently paid well, as Rainbow Dash’s enormous mansion could be seen drifting on the far horizon, hemorrhaging rainbows from improperly maintained rainbow tanks. Either that, or, considering how the distant house was made of scraps of cloud, it was quite possible that Pegasi were not even paid at all.

Several of these thoughts occurred to Sweetie Belle as she trotted through one of the central access paths that ran through Sweet Apple Acres, whistling to herself as she enjoyed the day. She was just coming back from school. It being Saturday, of course, she had spent an hour in an empty schoolhouse before realizing that no pony was going to show up. For the third time that month.

As she composed her song, taking careful mental note of the tones and frequencies that worked and those that did not, Sweetie Belle came across Applebloom’s significantly older brother. He was standing at the foot of an enormous tree, one with a trunk at least twice as thick as he was. Sweetie Belle stopped to stare at him, and then looked up at the enormous tree.

“Wow,” she said, getting dizzy from looking up so high. “That’s a big tree!”

“Eeyup,” said Big Macintosh, smiling bashfully.

“Are you really going to buck that?”

“Eeyup.”

“Wow. That’s not going to be easy. But everypony in town says you’re the best at bucking, though. Apart from your sister, of course. The attractive one, I mean.”

“Eeyup.”

“You must really love bucking.”

“Eeyup.”

“I guess that’s why your cutie mark is tangentially related to your ability to buck.”

“Eeyup.”

“And Applejack’s too. I’m surprised you’re not bucking with her right now.”

Big Mac shrugged. Applejack was, no doubt, off doing some manner of royal princess-assisting.

“I see. Well, if she keeps up with all that business, you’re going to have to teach Applebloom how to buck.”

“Eeyup.”

Sweetie Belle smiled. “You’ll also transfer most of the farm’s bits to me, right? A good seventy- -I mean ninety percent of them? And about eighty or so gallons of cider?”

Big Mac frowned. “Nope.”

“Darn it. I thought I would get you that time,” said Sweetie Belle, giggling. She started to trot off again. “Well, good luck with your applebucking! Remember to buck every single one of those apples!”

“Eeyup,” laughed Big Mack.

As Sweetie Belle vanished from sight in the direction of the Cutie Mark Crusader’s tree house, Big Mac smiled- -and then looked around suspiciously. From behind the unusually large tree, a pink colored sheep poked her head out.

“Is she gone yet?”

Big Mac took her by the hoof and twirled her, then lowered her into a dip as she blushed profusely.

“Big Mac!” she giggled. “You’re such a romantic!”

“Eeyup…”

Sweetie Belle approached the Cutie Mark Crusader’s clubhouse. Every time she saw it, she felt the same feeling. Surprise, largely, at the fact that it had not fallen in yet. Yes, it had been built by Applejack- -probably- -but it also spent a great deal of time housing Scootaloo. Sweetie Belle was amazed it had not yet burned to a crisp.

Upon entering, Sweetie Belle found her two primary friends already in attendance. Sitting against the back wall in one corner was Scootaloo, a bottle of butterbeer in one hoof and about thirty in various stages of fullness or emptiness surrounding her. She was staring somewhat blankly across the room, where Applebloom was working intently on something under a pair of bright lamps.

“Hey,” said Sweetie Belle, putting down her saddlebag.

Scootaloo looked at the bag, and then up at Sweetie Belle. “You went to school again, didn’t you.”

“No,” said Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo raised one eyebrow, and Sweetie Belle sighed. “Yes…”

“Sweetie Belle!” said Applebloom, turning suddenly. She was wearing a surgical mask, which she promptly pulled down to reaveal a wide grin. “You’ll never guess what I did!”

“Is it another crime against common decency that normally gets ponies banished to the Everfree Forest?”

“No! That only happened that ONE time- -”

“Three,” corrected Scootaloo. “It happened three times.”

“At least one of those was on a technicality! But no, I’m pretty sure this is legal!”

“‘Pretty sure’?”

Excitedly, Applebloom picked up an object from the table she had been working on held it up triumphantly.

“And…it’s an apple,” said Sweetie Belle.

“It’s a pretty good looking apple,” admitted Scootaloo. “I’d eat it.”

“Just an apple? HA!” Applebloom set the apple on the table and picked up a cleaver, slamming it down with frightening force and splitting the apple in half. She held up the halves, and it was immediately apparent that instead of smooth white flesh, the apple was orange and segmented on the inside.

“See?” she said. “It’s an apple on the outside, but an orange on the inside! Now you really can compare the two!” She laughed manically.

“Congratulations, Apps,” said Scootaloo, lifting a nearly empty bottle of butterbeer in a toast. “You’ve sinned against nature. Again.”

“Applebloom,” said Sweetie Belle, calmly, “you do know you need to open the windows when you’re making potions, right? The fumes aren’t good for you.”

“The fumes make me strong! Windows are a communist plot! I have papers that prove it! There were wizards and aliens and- -”

Sweetie Belle picked up one of the aplorange halves with her magic and tossed it gently against Applebloom’s forehead.

“Ow,” she said, rubbing the spot of the mild impact. “Oh…I went over the top again, didn’t I?”

“Eh,” said Scootaloo. “I’ve seen worse.”

Applebloom blinked, and noticed that Sweetie Belle was wearing a necklace.

“What is that?” she said.

“A necklace,” said Sweetie Belle.

“I can see that. I’m not stupid.”

“Well…” added Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle poked at the necklace. It was made of a combination of silver and some kind of black-colored metal that contrasted perfectly with her astoundingly white coat. It contained several gemstones, all deep crimson. “Do you like it? Rarity just got it for me.”

“Got if for you? Doesn’t she usually make things?”

“Not everything. She found it when we went antiquing last week.”

Scootaloo shuddered violently. “Antiquing…”

“It’s…pretty?”

“It’s totally goth,” said Scootaloo. “Not quite your style, Sweetie Belle.”

“I don’t know, I like it. Maybe I’ll start wearing more black to go with it…”

“And maybe I’ll build a rocket to Zebrababwe.”

“We already did the math on that, Scootaloo,” snapped Applebloom. “With their current inflation rate, you’d never be able to afford enough fuel to get back! That, and where are we going to get that much titanium?”

“I just watched you hybridize an apple and orange for an hour and a half! I think we could- -”

“Stop the arguing!” exclaimed Sweetie Belle. “My mellow is being harshed!”

Applebloom and Scootaloo both looked at her, and then burst out laughing.

“Where in Equestria did you hear that?!” cried Applebloom, collapsing from spasms of humor. “That- -that hasn’t been a saying since Twilight’s hair was in style!”

Sweetie Belle sighed and waited for them to calm down. Once they had, she continued with what she had actually come to say. “So,” she said. “Putting that behind us. And never, ever mentioning it again. Are you two going to the show tonight?”

All the humor seemed to be sucked out of the room. “What show?” asked Scootaloo.

“The ‘Still Repentant but now Largely Reformed Trixie’s Demonstration of Various Manifold Magical Acts it’s a Working Title Get Off my Back’,” said Sweetie Belle, having to take a deep breath immediately after finishing the statement. “Because I am, and I was wondering if you two wanted to come.”

“I don’t know,” said Applebloom, frowning. “I don’t really like Trixie. She’s mean and weird…and she lives in a trailer.”

Sweetie Belle raised one eyebrow. “And just how many of your family live in a trailer.”

Applebloom was about to protest, but her expression fell. “Almost all of them…” she admitted. “But it’s not just one trailer anymore! Uncle Road got an addition after the flood washed it into his yard!”

“I’ll go,” said Scootaloo, shrugging. “My only plan for today was to sit here and get butter-battered. Besides, it’s always fun to see Snips and Snails totally geek out over her. I’ll bet you five bits they’re cosplaying as her.”

“They’re not cosplaying as Trixie. That would be ridiculous.” Sweetie Belle turned back to Applebloom. “So, are you up for it?”

Applebloom sighed. “Yeah…but if she tries to turn me into a stallion, I’m a gonna run.”

“I don’t think I’d mind that,” said Scootaloo. “I think I’d look good as a dude.”

“You’d be Tender Taps, Scoots. We all know it.”

Scootaloo sighed. “Yeah…and it would probably make my relationship with Rainbow Dash even more awkward than it already is.”

“Nobody’s going to turn you into a dude. That spell’s actually really hard. Trust me,” said Sweetie Belle. “Trixie can’t do any real magic. It is absolutely impossible for something to go wrong...”

A crowd was already gathering as Sweetie Belle and her friends approached the stage that Trixie had set up from her hobo house.

“I don’t know why you’re so interested in this,” said Applebloom. “I mean, it’s just fireworks and stuff. They’re a might shiny, but not really, you know, substantial.”

“It’s better when you know the spells,” said Sweetie Belle. “I like trying to figure out exactly what she’s doing, and with Trixie’ it’s not hard.”

“So your lessons with Twilight are going good, then?” asked Scootaloo, trying to avoid being stepped on by the ponies who were substantially taller than her.

“Excellent, actually. Especially with Starlight.”

“Starlight? You mean the mare who stole and bottled all those cutie marks like some kind of fresh jam?”

“Alegedly bottled,” said Sweetie Belle. “And she’s actually a really good teacher. Twilight knows all the books…literally. I’m pretty sure she memorizes them. And then talks at you. Starlight, though, she just has a way of showing you how to do it.”

“Not to mention she has enough magic to power a small starship,” added Scootaloo.

“We already went over this, we’re NOT building the rocket!” Applebloom continued with her initial conversation. “It just makes me uncomfortable…the fact that she STOLE cutie marks? AND hangs out with Trixie? It makes my skin crawl.”

“That might be the acariasis,” said Scootaloo. “I had that last month. Rainbow Dash bathed me in mayonnaise…I probably liked that a little bit more than I should have…”

“Oh, we’re here!” cried Sweetie Belle, rushing forward through the crowd to get to the front. As she pushed past the various ponies of Ponyville, she saw that Snips and Snails- -both already in the front row- -had, in fact, dyed themselves blue and were wearing silver wigs.

“Ha!” said Scootaloo. “You owe me five bits! More butterbeer for Scootaloo! Yisss!”

“We all know you’re going to spend it on mayonnaise,” muttered Applebloom.

Sweetie Belle was not paying attention, though. Starlight was already stepping out onto the stage, dressed in her extremely tight magician’s assistant outfit. All eyes were on her- -some viewing with exceptional vigor- -as she addressed the crowd.

“Lady’s and gentlecolts!” she said, her voice magically amplified. “Presenting, for your viewing pleasure, for your shock and amazement, the greatest and most powerful pony to walk Equestria short of Celestia herself- -the Magical Trixie!”

There was a somewhat deafening explosion as a smoke bomb exploded in the center of the stage, and Trixie appeared out of it in a flash of light. It was certainly a dramatic entrance, but Sweetie Belle was watching closely. There was no actual magic; just a smoke bomb and a small magnesium flare. The entrance was effective, though, and Trixie managed to get at least half of the crowd’s eyes off of Starlight.

“Behold!” called Trixie, her starry cape and hat fluttering in an artificial breeze. “The Great and Powerful Trrrrixie!”

The space around her erupted with the crackling multicolored magic, a minor fireworks show of whirling shapes and colors.

“Oh wow,” said Applebloom. “That sure is pretty! Way better than last time! I’m actually impressed!”

“Eh,” said Sweetie Belle. “It’s an optic diffraction motivated by a linear telekinetic field. She didn’t even use a fractal motivation scheme. It’s basic.”

On the stage, Trixie frowned and glared at Sweetie Belle. “There appear to be some doubters in the audience tonight,” said Trixie, sounding more than slightly annoyed. “No matter! The Great and Powerful Trixie always delivers!”

She took a step back, and her magic surrounded her. The area seemed to darken, but Sweetie Belle noticed that it was actually just a byproduct of Starlight manipulating the spotlights that lit the stage. This time, instead of forming sparklers and random bursts of energy, Trixie formed the energy around herself. This was actually mildly impressive- -until Sweetie Belle understood the trick.

The mass of magic condensed and formed itself into a slightly washed-out image of an ursa minor. The crowd gasped, and some backed away in fright. The trio of flower ponies who owned the florist shop fainted as the construct took a step forward and growled. Snips and Snails watched with their eyes as wide as saucers and the jaws more slacked than normal.

“Sweetie Belle,” squeaked Applebloom.

“A noncondensed polarized construct,” said Sweetie Belle. “And at that size? It’s probably not even hard.” Sweetie Belle focused her own magic and a translucent blue butterfly shot out of her horn. It fluttered up to the ursa minor and sat on its nose, causing it to sneeze. The sneezing, of course, was a nice touch- -but doing it caused Trixie to lose concentration and for her construct to collapse.

“See?” said Sweetie Belle.

Trixie smiled. “A butterfly? Indeed impressive.”

“But not as impressive as Trixie,” said a second Trixie, suddenly standing beside Sweetie Belle and putting her elbow on the filly’s back. Upon seeing Trixie duplicated, the crowd nearly jumped out of their skin and cheered. Trixie performed a twirl and struck the duplicate with her magic, causing the surface image to dissipate- -and revealing the fact that it was, in fact, Starlight.

“Come on, Sweetie,” said Starlight, leaning in and whispering. “Don’t be rude. Trixie’s been rehearsing this for months.”

Sweetie Belle, however, suddenly shimmered. Her white coat vanished, replaced with orange- -and Scootaloo shivered as the holographic coating over her body dissipated. “Ugh,” she said. “Why did I just have the strongest possible urge to crochet?”

“And that was the so-called ‘miss-matching-mask spell’,” said Sweetie Belle, reclining on Derpy’s back as Derpy derped with extreme prejudice. “That one, actually, is impressive.”

“Come on, Sweetie Belle,” said Starlight, somewhat more harshly. “I will throw you out if I have to. And I am more than capable of teleporting you to YakYakistan.”

“Oh no,” said Trixie. “The Great and Powerful Trixie thrives on competition…this is going to be good.”

Like a true showpony, Trixie immediately worked Sweetie Belle into the act. The audience seemed to eat it up, watching the two ‘duel’ with one another as they repeatedly tried to outdo each other. Sweetie Belle quickly found that it was not easy. Trixie was actually far better at performing magic than she had expected, utilizing many spells that Sweetie Belle thought that only Starlight could perform effectively. That, and Trixie was of course better at making hers showy- -even though Sweetie Belle’s were more technically accurate.

All the while, though, Trixie seemed to be getting more aggressive and angry. She clearly did not like even the thought of being upstaged, though. The more Trixie got upset, the more her magic became stronger- -but the more Sweetie Belle noticed that something was not quite right. When Trixie would try to add flourishes to her own spells, a seam would become apparent- -an indication that her magic was actually more often than not being assisted by an external force.

“Well,” said Trixie, finally stepping back. “You’re actually pretty good. For a filly.”

“And you’re pretty good…for an old mare.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is not OLD! She is young and svelte and definitely NOT slightly overweight and developing gray hair!”

“I’d review the last one,” chuckled Sweetie Belle.

Trixie smiled deviously. “Well, then, I suppose if you’re going to try to steal Trixie’s spotlight, she’s going to have to…punish you.”

“Really? With what? Some red-and-blue sparks?”

Trixie stepped forward to the very edge of the stage. “Oh no. The Great and Powerful Trixie is going to perform her greatest and most powerful spell yet! But first she needs a volunteer! A Pegasus!”

“Ooh ooh!” cried Rainbow Dash. She shot up from the ground, pulling another much more pastel pony from the group. “Take her! Take HER!”

“Rainbow Dash, no!” squealed Fluttershy. “I can’t- -put me down! Too high!”

Rainbow Dash hardly listened, though, and she dragged Fluttershy through the air, depositing the yellow Pegasus pony on the stage beside Trixie. Fluttershy squinted in the bright lights and immediately cowered, as she was known to do. “Please, Trixie,” she squeaked. “Just don’t turn me into a stallion…”

The crowd, however, had other ideas. Every mare- -and several stallions- -suddenly broke out into a chant.

“But-ter-SCOTCH! But-ter-SCOTCH! But-ter-SCOTCH!”

“Oh dear,” said Fluttershy, covering her head. “Not again…”

“Oh no,” said Trixie. “For this next trick, the Great and Powerful Trixie will change a unicorn into a Pegasus- -and a Pegasus into a unicorn!”

The crowd suddenly fell silent, and then gasped in awe- -before breaking into cheering and another chant.

“Flut-ter-CORN! Flut-ter-CORN!”

Over the noise and commotion, Sweetie Belle saw Starlight suddenly pull Trixie away.

“We haven’t rehearsed for that trick,” she whispered harshly. “It isn’t ready!”

“Well, we can’t leave the audience wanting! Have faith, oh faithful assistant!”

Starlight winced, but nodded. She stepped back and then began moving Sweetie Belle and Fluttershy to their positions.

“Let’s see how you do with wings instead of that nubby, blunt horn,” said Trixie in a low voice as she brushed past Sweetie Belle, flicking the younger pony in the face with her tail.

“But I like my wings,” said Fluttershy, who, despite not wanting the attention she was getting, submitted completely to Trixie’s will.

Trixie took her place at the head of rear of the stage and stamped her hoof. A number of magical symbols suddenly appeared on the stage, draw in blue magic. Runes, polygrams, and astrological mechanisms crisscrossed the wood, and Sweetie Belle immediately knew that something was wrong. Not only was this beyond her, but this was beyond Trixie- -way beyond. This was the kind of magic that only Starlight and Twilight knew.

Before she could say anything, however, Trixie began the spell. Magic rushed out of her horn and into the schematic below her. It rearranged itself, forming circles beneath each of the three ponies. Sweetie Belle immediately felt something happening. Her body felt light, and within a few seconds she was being lifted off the wooden stage. Something felt strange in her horn, and in her back. To her surprise- -and panic- -the spell was working.

Then, suddenly, something went wrong. The spell shifted in an unpredicted pattern, immediately becoming asymmetrical. Trixie, who had been portraying an air of confidence, suddenly let her façade fall and revealed the fact that she was, in fact, terrified of this level of magic. She was staring at Sweetie Belle, and Sweetie Belle looked down- -to see the gemstones in her necklace spontaneously reconfiguring. Unseen mechanisms were assembling the front section of the necklace into a cube of black metal and red stone.

A burst of red magic shot out of the necklace and contaminated the spell heavily. Sweetie Belle saw it arc across the expanse, drawn to Fluttershy. It hit her, and everything around her suddenly shifted to mixtures of orange and scarlet instead of blue. For just a moment, Sweetie Belle thought she saw something through the haze of the magic. It was Fluttershy- -but it was also not. It was pale and sickly, with glinting red eyes and sharp teeth.

Her attention was immediately drawn to the center of the triangle, though. The fragments of the spell were beginning to compensate, forming an incomplete version of a Starswirlian mechanism- -and to Sweetie Belle’s horror, it was converging with the red light to form a singularity.
“Starlight!” cried Trixie. “Stop the spell! STOP THE SPELL!”
“I can’t!” cried Starlight, her voice drowned out by the roar of magic around them.

Then the power of the spell suddenly became self-sustaining and increased exponentially. The uncontrollable chain reaction led to a complete destabilization, and in nearly an instant, the spell collapsed, imploding with a force so great that it pulled most of the now awe and panic struck crowd into the space it had once occupied.

It was gone in an instant, leaving only a massive and perfectly cut hole in the stage and having blackened the ponies nearest to it, including Starlight. The crowd fell aboslutly silent, and looked at the empty void where the three ponies had once stood.

They were now completely and entirely gone.