Cancelled. Horror just isn't my field right now, and I can't bring myself to return to this. Maybe I'll come back to this, maybe I won't, but that's it.
A note to all future readers: no, this isn't going to involve Sonic, or Mobius. Thank you.
Enter Captain Sehn Darksol, a member of a military force, and entire species of upright-standing hedgehog, thought to have disappeared from Equestria's border Mira desert 300 years ago, as a set of nightmares wracks his mind. Visions of a past crime committed by a certain cyan pegasus, as well as a rise in activity at a zone known as 'Ground Zero', has him sent on a mission to Equestria to hunt down and bring back the pegasus.
Rainbow Dash, also wracked by nightmares, awakens one morning shoving aside the dream as she usually does, usually has done for the past month. When she heads out to perform her usual flight maneuvers though, she quickly discovers something is very wrong. Couple that with a strange meeting with a creature she's never even heard of before, and the appearance of a strange silver pony, just how could this day get any stranger?
Silent Ponyville: Duet Of Sorrow is written as a splice-in between Silent Ponyville 2 and 3, both written by jake-heritagu of DeviantART. In order to fully understand all the references, plot points and character motivations, it is recommended that you read these stories first:
Silent Ponyville 1
Silent Ponyville 2
'Too Shy For A Rainbow'
All written by jake-heritagu of deviantART.
References made to Cupcakes.
Wasn't expecting all my comments to vanish...that's not good.
Fixed up the chapters, now Intermission 4 is where it properly belongs. Too bad no one's leaving a comment though...I need some feedback on all this, and I'm getting enough views for people to know it's here. Critics, praisers, even the haters, someone leave a comment on what you think, please.
I know I can take whatever it is you've got to say, if you're worried about that.
Hi!
I checked out your profile page =D
So, you write THIS one, eh. I've actually seen it around before. I just didn't read it because I hadn't read any of the other Silent Ponyvilles, although I understand that they're very good.
Now, I can't really comment on plot cohesion, because I quite obviously don't know what's going on, but I CAN talk a bit about my own personal expertise - atmospheric writing. This is all just my personal opinion! It has no bearing outside of what I think. =) And also, since I don't know much about the plot or what's going on, I'll keep my commentary to the architecture.
That said, in a fic like this, atmosphere is key to everything. The ability to allow the reader to feel what characters are feeling and to experience it for themselves in a personal way... it is needed more than anything in a fic like this.
A few things immediately jump out at me from initial read. First thing is that... I'm not sure if it was intentional or if you did it to follow the originals, but the use of tense is a bit distracting in this case. It's hard to follow pacing and mood when everything is done in real-time. Controlling the effects of time helps to draw out or compress scenes; to be able to elaborate more and to skip details. Using the present tense throughout does hurt the fact that this is meant to be a creepy fic, because it feels like I'm being narrated AT, and not WITH. It feels that rather than being able to walk alongside the story, I'm being told what to think, what to believe and HOW to feel.
Second point:
Environment. You have a lot of visuals, which I will go into a bit later. But there's no evironment. There's no mood. It's not enough just to point out the fact that the rooms have doors and walls, but you must think of a set as a character. You must show what the room thinks and feels and wants to portray. They are just every bit as important as the actors themselves. Imagination only works to a certain degree, and you do well with placing props there, but I see very little of actual accentation.
When the guy's running in the start of this fic, what kind of place is he in? How does the world around him seek to trouble him? He goes into a room that's 'dark'. The door has 'rusty hinges'. But the door is lifeless and so is the room. Lack of detail doesn't make it creepier. It's lack of UNDERSTANDING that does. It's the very small things that make it alive. That dripping of water in the corner from a busted pipe. The rust that crawls up the iron grates that make up the floor. Say a lot of things with fewer words. Say things that tell you a LOT about a place without needing to go into lists. I always keep one thing as a rule. When I'm describing something, people need to be able to take at least two things minimum away from it. Once sentence, two ideas. Three if you're lucky. Four if you're great.
And while we're talking about lists; here's tip number three:
Descriptions - Take it one step FURTHER. What you do is stop at telling people what things are. What you need to be doing, rather, is talking about what they have or what they do. Just saying "That's a box" is kind of boring. Pointing out the bodies hanging in the corner doesn't work to capture anything except to tell us that there are bodies there. Drilling down, and this is a technique that I employ a lot, is one way to solve this. Describe elements and not items. Talk about individual parts rather than the whole, and take it one down. Using imagery, analogy, comparisons and metaphor also helps in many ways, because you can say about one thing using different comparions, and those comparisons also impart a feeling to the understanding of a scene.
Let's put it all into practice.
If I were to rewrite this paragraph myself, I would do it like this: (again, most of this is personal preference.)
And that's about it. =)
Whether you agree or not, I invite you to take a look at my fic Love . Sick . It doesn't matter if you like it or not, plot or ending-wise, but it's become rather reknown amongst the pre-readers and the editors of ponychan. It's focused on high atmosphere building, and it's one that maybe, I HOPE, you can find a few things to take away from.
I sincerely hope this all helped in some way. If not, well... egg on my face.
No. No, I do not.
994051 And this is the comment I've been praying for.
I'll admit, I thought that through the first few chapters, I was depending too much on my own mental image and not trying to transfer that 'creep' feel across. The scene looked scary to me, and sadly I took a very objective description for it.
Your comment is very much obliged, and I do think I'll end up re-writing this at some point. Damn story is so huge though :V. I'll take your tips to heart though, and go on to use what you suggested in the rest of the story.
Still got a lot of environments, a lot of emotion, and a lot of fighting to do. But, my goal is to have a coherent and enjoyable foundation by the end of it all, since this story, the events that take place here, are going to be the root for absolutely EVERY piece I'm going to write and post on this story.
Exception being Spike's Writer's Block, at the moment anyway. Doubt I'll be bringing Sehn or the Hemorans into it at any point, doesn't seem like they'd be much use.
Anyway, thank you very much for the comment. I always want feedback, and getting tips from a writer on atmosphere is going to really help, considering first and foremost, Silent Hill is meant to be scary.
Chapter 15 Part 2 will show this, and everything onward will have your tips engraved in everything.
Oh, and your re-write was brilliant. Puts my writing to shame, but this isn't a bad thing! Just means I have a ways to go, and I'm more than ready to walk the road.
You'll find out. All in due time, ladies, all in due time...*sinister smile*.
994256
Hey, we all have things we're good at. Let's help each other out =)
I mean, honestly, you've done more for me in refocusing my understanding of character in a few fun posts than a year of struggling to find the point.
I think BY OUR POWERS COMBINED, WE ARE CAPTAIN PLA...
no. No. Wait. No. Hm.
You get the idea.
Anyway, looking forward to seeing what you can do! Hope you get out of your writer's slump! those can be NASTY. And always remember! The first character that steps onto the scene is not the person, but the scene itself. Keep that in mind and a world will grow around you.
If you want me to look at anything else please let me know! I'd be happy and honoured to. I love looking at things.
No, silly little Sweetie Belle. Heh heh heh.
No.
994317
Uh oh. Anyway, yeah, I've always focused on the characters and their own emotions, more than the environment around them. Hopefully I can provide a proper environment later on in the story, but right now it's just nice people are paying attention to the story.
I think a lot of it can make sense standing alone, but some spells, knowledge of said spells, and a relationship aren't even attempted to be explained, since this story takes place in a continuity.
That, and I am complete shit at writing romance stories.
My chosen emotions in any situation are usually fighting emotions. Rage, sadness, happiness, determination, conviction. I don't even fully understand 'love' on a personal level, let alone what's required for writing!
Don't look at me like that, it's not like you do!
Because I can relate. The nerdy pony who tries to explain everything.
Pinkie Sense.
*Twilight convulses and collapses.*
I love doing that.
Well another reason why I deceided to branch out as well was to explore what I CAN do. I don't REALLY understand the hormonal rages of the average 16 year old any longer, But I can write from a perspective unique to my own. That's what all writing is. Exploring common thoughts and subjects from a unique perspective.
Perhaps you should attempt something outside of your comfort zone as well? I did, and it did rather well! I'm sure Twilight has your back. After all, the scientific method is to run tests, gather data, and put it together in a working model, eh? That just means you gotta write a lot until you figure stuff out. =D
Well... alright.
994531
Me, write a romance? I dunno if my poor heart could take it if someone discovered it...
Ehhh...I dunno. I can't trust myself to do it...my field is war and subterfuge, spying and backstabbing. And humor.
I have a strange background.
*Twilight looks behind Steel, which seems to be Pyroland from the 'Meet The Pyro' video.*
My history is also weird.
Well, you ARE a writer. What writer worth his salt doesn't have their own Mindscape?
Mindscape. A white Void within your imagination where you alone exist until you build the world around you. A town, a world, a galaxy, a universe, you can build everything from the ground up in a Mindscape. It's a necessary tool for any writing expedition.
Sure you do, everyone does. If you don't have one, it's because you don't have an imagination; the capacity for creative thought.
From the Sonic Rainboom to commanding a battallion to simply predicting where a relationship will go, you use the Mindscape for everything.
Oh, as a warning, actually. Avoid Pinkie at all costs.
*Steel pulls out a large scroll.*
Two miles of reasons why you should avoid her. Reid helped me compile it.
Have fun.
Indeed.
My background is in psychology and criminology. I've always written dark humour, and weird shit in general. A month ago, I swore to myself I'd never write anything remotely cloppy. But... expansion is necessary. Expand or DIE. DIE!!!!
Well, that's really about it. But remember, a mindscape also travels. While it's a place that we live in, much like a house, we need to leave once in a while to explore foreign lands, because who doens't love a holiday? And if you aren't taking anything back from that holiday, then it's a wasted vacation. I'll support you if you dare to try. It is the least we all can do, eh? =)
Anyway, from what I see here already, your technical skills are already up there. I don't think you'll have anything to worry about. Not to mention, your focus and understanding of characterizations and emotions will certainly help in a fic whose entire purpose is to share emotion and character. Doesn't work for me, because it's hard to describe the deeper emotions of love through environment, but guess what?
I'm.. um.. I'm trying anyway? Look... ah jeez, you... freaking broke my stride. Stupid Scootabutt.
Anyway, if you ever do do anything, let me know, surely. Yes? YES?
994669 But of course.
*Steel suddenly has a full face mask on, and has a lit cigarette in his mouth. He adjusts his blue suit and tie.*
I had it pre-made.
I have such pride in this outfit...
And my wallet regrets every minute you spent on it.
994723
Gentlemen? :D
994749 Indeed.
*Rarity suddenly has the same outfit on, and is spinning a knife in the air.*
Honestly, Miss, we share the same trade, yet obviously not the same knowledge. He is with...
*Steel pulls out a folder and throws it onto the table, spilling many...revealing photos of Rarity's mother and Big Mac out onto the table.*
YOUR MOTHER!
Now listen up, Miss, or pornography starring your mother will be the third worst thing to happen to you today...
Her clothing is torn.
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.... *sneaks in and takes a few of those photos for himself*
Mmm hmm. Private collection, White book, page 4, column 2, spot 3 - 5.
MMM HMMM.
DONE! Chapter 15 Part 2 is DONE. FINALLY.
So, I've finally nailed down my plan. Chapter 15 is going to be split into 4 parts, Chapter 16 into two, and Chapter 17 is going to be Dash's big finale, the final showdown, the war for...whatever the hell the Major is fighting for!
What's going to happen? What's going to go wrong? Will anything go Rainbow's way for once?! FIND OUT, IN THE NEXT EXCITING CHAPTER
OF SILENT PONYVILLE: DUET OF SORROW!
As a note to all who manage to make it to the end of the comments section of this story:
Know that this story is going to be going through a universal re-write. Universal, meaning I'm going to be changing many details about the universe this story takes place in, and as such, it will be going through a vast amount of changes.
Consider this my first REAL attempt at writing, and expect a re-write in the future. Something more entertaining, hopefully!
Why is this in the TWE?
1307991
Wondering the same
1307991 1308177
1) Like/dislike ratio fits The Bad folder.
2) It actually is kind of a bad story.
1309070 It ain't easy writing. *shrug*
1414986
No, it isn't, but that's why we try, right? To conquer that great wall and say we made it to the other side.
1415028 It is quite satisfying :D
1415028 heh, at least it ain't a wall of text we have to conquer eh?
1450437
Awww, you're terrible :V.
1450451Jks I love you.