A Fiery Mystery (Revised)
Her wings flared with the sheer strength of her kin, each feather shining like the finest fire ruby in the light of her mistress’s Rising Sun. She accompanied her every morning, swirling higher and higher as the night shadows returned the land to the hooves of sunlight.
~ Philomena the Royal Phoenix, unknown Post-classical author
More poetic opening than usual, but those creatures deserve it. They are even rarer than the “Poison Jokes” these days, but it would be a shame not to give them some spotlight.
Phoenixes.
Given the old reports, there used to be whole flocks of them residing in the forests around Equestria. Those mention periodical Phoenix migration every once a while, and I suspect it has something to do with Phoenixes following the great dragon migration to new nesting sites. Being used to your feathers burning surely allows you to live in a neighborhood of fire-breathing creatures. We’re probably in a Phoenix less period of Everfree today.
You can find a few pairs in the southern drier parts of Equestria, while some also reside in Whitetail. The rest now lives at the edge of the Badlands.
Surprisingly, not a lot of ponies comprehend that these regal birds are also birds of prey, the bane of squirrels and forest voles. Falcons are just as majestic to me, but nopony is surprised. Nevermind.
However, the rest of their lifecycle is unique.
Their feathers serve both as a fireproof shield and as a burning weapon. The rachis - that line in the center of the feather - can channel their fiery magic, allowing it to burn around their wings and tail.
Activating this is within the Phoenix’s will, but their feathers don’t lose this feature after being pulled out. It just becomes more random afterward. So those of you not ruling with levitation, try to avoid using Phoenix quills and those of you capable, make sure at least your face is far from it, but back to the Phoenix’s defenses.
Their bright feathers can tell that their bearers aren’t afraid of being spotted. Instead, their bright colors are warning to predators. Much like how a poisonous salamander’s color can get stuck with the label of “Don’t eat. Let it be.” in the mind of any animal that tried to taste it, bright red feathers are a non-pleasant reminder of the fire that burned its muzzle. Even the eggs are brightly colored, again as a warning.
A phoenix’s feathers can vary from yellow to red with lighter markings like females always having a pink stripe at the tip of their beak while pinkish markings on their wings are also possible. The second difference between the genders is the feathers on the head. A male has a “crest” of thick feathers, while the female’s head is adorned by a peacock-like crown thingy.
But how is it that they burn to ashes if their feathers are fireproof? And why do they even have to burn down? If they didn’t, they’d die. Fire is a great weapon, but it needs massive amounts of magic, and thus energy to be controlled accurately. Of course, there isn’t an indefinite amount, so the Phoenix’s body had to make a compromise.
To have fire-controlling abilities from a young age, their bones, muscles, and intestines take quite a short time to get worn out. The beak becomes distorted, wings no longer able to carry them, similarly does the neck with supporting the head and they start to cough heavily, lungs slowly collapsing and filling with mucus. Not very regal.
Simultaneously, the feathers start to fall off on their own with the small muscles operating them failing. This messy period of molting takes about a week, and it’s probably the only time when they are vulnerable.
You can find that one of them is shedding their feathers just by them lying all around. It’s almost impossible to spot the bird as they hide in the treetops quietly - except for the coughing - and wait till their fireproof shield is down. Then the remains of their magic are called, igniting the Phoenix from inside and turning it to ashes.
“Why do I get the feeling I know what that feels like?” A purple unicorn stated while the gentle summer breeze toyed with the magenta streak in her sapphire mane and tail. Her cutie mark was a purple starburst with a lighter star behind the first and five white stars orbiting them. This unicorn’s name was Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia’s Personal student. As she sat under a tree that was looking out over the city of Canterlot and its surrounding valleys she sighed to herself as she went back to her reading.
Nopony knows if getting incinerated alive is painful or not. In my opinion, it’s far better than what they must feel when their body starts to wear out. But every time I managed to see them ‘renewing’ they fell into some kind of comatose sleep right before. Another interesting fact is that their fire doesn’t ignite their surroundings.
Despite them being able to manipulate their ashes they can precisely recognize every part of their body - or at least if you throw their ashes to already cinder filled Hearth, you get the same Phoenix. Not bigger, not lighter - they try to choose their hiding place to be in the lee of the branches. Adult Phoenixes undergo the cycle twice a year.
“Philomena says that she undergoes it when she feels like it, but I think she’s just saying that because she’s embarrassed when it happens,” Twilight said with a chuckle, now understanding why the bird always tried to hide from her when she was entering her rebirth cycle.
There is a second version of their renewal cycle, mainly used for courtship and mating. After the female chooses the male - he would be sporting a beautiful feather crest and bright colors, though, the same should go for the female because males don’t accept the proposal just from anybody - they both start to perch and fly around, gently pulling out each other’s feathers.
When just a few feathers are left, they soar high to the sky, getting rid of them and together falling to the ground in a fire. When their ashes land, parts of them mix. This mix then gets absorbed into female’s body, making her pregnant. She then lays up to 5 eggs. During nesting, their fire-controlling ability is increased, making the parents stronger until the young ones hatch.
Their feathers take just a few days to grow fully, and the hatchlings start to fly shortly after. During their adolescence, the burning period prolongs from weeks to months till it stabilizes on sessions lasting half a year.
So, what to do when you have a Phoenix nearby? Don’t disturb them, not even in the ash form. Trust me on that. Even if your good behavior somehow managed to annoy them, you’ll do best to lay down and not move. They’ll just fly over you with ignited wings a few times and then leave. If it was scared in a worn-out state, it could explode into your face.
The only thing dangerous for them would be falling in water and then getting cold. I reckon that feeding them ice cream isn’t the best idea either.
“Philomena doesn’t seem to mind ice cream, though, she does tend to melt half the tub before I can get some,” Twilight pouted, before thinking back to what the author also wrote about phoenixes. “Plus I don’t believe that this author truly has been around a Phoenix during its regeneration cycle. Otherwise, he would have known that disturbing a Phoenix, even if it were ashes, all it would do would be to squawk at you and give you an earful at the worst cussing a bird can give...unless that’s only her.” She said with another chuckle.
“Luckily, though, it seems that for a bird, its curse words are not translated to be curse words for ponies. However, I have refrained from saying them in her presence,” Twilight said, before letting out a defeated sigh. “But this still doesn’t tell me about the Phoenix I’ve seen lately, or if it has any connection to why I’m sick.”
Recently, about a week ago, Twilight started feeling sick after seeing a strange colored phoenix; One that had a silver color as opposed to their normal coloration. At first, the sickness was only a shortness of breath and a heavy cough, nothing severe enough to warrant a trip to see a doctor, but lately, things have been steadily getting worse.
Just yesterday, she started coughing up blood and it felt like her insides were being set on fire. Her hair was matted with sweat and so tangled she would need to use her magic directly on each follicle just to detangle it.
Speaking of her magic, it was getting weaker and weaker each day. As it was at the moment, she could barely keep the books she was currently reading aloft without having to resort to holding them with her hooves or mouth.
The increasing severity of her sickness had reached a worrying degree that she had to go to the hospital to find out what was wrong with her. It was there that Twilight learned an unfortunate truth about herself; She was dying.
As it turned out, she had contracted a very deadly strain of Botulism. The sad thing was that because of how late they found it, even if they were to administer treatment, there would be nothing they could do to help Twilight except ease her suffering. Twilight sighed as she remembered the conversation that followed the announcement.
”What do you mean the treatment wouldn’t do any good?!” A light gray unicorn mare shouted at the doctor while Twilight was being held by her father sobbing.
“Please, Ms. Velvet, even if we caught it in time there is still the chance that the treatment would fail. Botulism is difficult to treat. There is a polyvalent (A-E) anti-toxin which is available from Dr. Whitlock at the New Colton Center, University of Whinneapolis. However, it costs about 3,000 bits per patient. The antitoxin is most beneficial if used when patients are first seen to be sick. With supportive care, they can recover but, if they are exposed to a large amount of toxin, most will die despite treatment, And this is not acting like any botulism case I’ve ever seen!” The doctor said explaining why the treatment wouldn’t help.
“Then what am I supposed to do!” Velvet cried, knowing that her daughter was dying and there was nothing they could do at this point. “Please! Tell me there’s something I can do!?”
“I’m sorry Ms. Velvet, but all you can do now is be there with her in her final hours,” He said, his tone sad and understanding, “Why not go to the Summer Sun Celebration that’s being hosted in Ponyville this year? It’s best if she was around her family in a stress-free environment as that would offer some comfort before it comes to pass.” The doctor said.
Twilight sighed letting out another horrible cough, before getting up and heading back to the castle to get ready to go to Ponyville. Just before she could take a step, her magic blinked out, causing Twilight to scramble to catch her books before they hit the ground. After grabbing her books, she was just about to put them in her saddlebags when she noticed a couple of the pages in the book she was just reading were stuck together. Sitting back down, Twilight started to pry the pages apart to see what they contained carefully. When she saw what was written on the page, her eyes widened in surprise, because what was written was a legend of the Phoenix she saw... And a filly.
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Just a note, while I love the whole storybook opening, it seems like you sorta rushed the opening. Maybe don't make it quite so obvious.
Otherwise, great premise, will follow, can't wait for more.
7853789 Yeah, I kind of figured that that whole storybook opening was rushed, but I didn't know much of what else to do for it. There are a number of ways I could have done it, but I didn't have any clue on how to do it right. If you want to, think you can send me a scene of how you want it to start?
I already have another chapter the works, but I may need some help on it. If you want to, that is?
7853848 I would love to help. My biggest problem as a writer is I come up with something, but can't finish it. Hopefully working with someone else will help me.
7853861 I have the same problem. what shall we call this epic team up? I know We Shall call it "THE EPIC OF TWO WRITERS"
but in all seriousness, this is my second attempt to write. the last story I tried flopped because I hit a massive writers wall after the first chapter because i was trying a story that was way too advanced for my Lvl of writing.
7853940 This is either going to be the best thing we've written, or it will be a train wreck, that a car crashes into, that sinks to the bottom of a lake, and manages to catch fire, and explodes.
LETS DO THIS
7853952 I was thinking more along the lines of crashes into a school bus full of all-star basketball players, leading them to fly into a mountain and trigger an avalanche that wipes out a small fishing village that was keeping Cuthulu contained, causing it to rise up and end all sanity on earth.
though that apocalypse will have to wait until tomorrow as I am about ready to fall asleep like twilight and I don't like waking up with a crick in my back.
7853965 I just quoted The Amazing World of Gumball, you sound like you quoted The Lost Narrator and her grim darks.
7853969 I try.
as I said before though I am tired as it is 11:50 here and I have to take my sister to work in the morning. so good night and I will be starting the insanity train later.
Can you make another chapter please?
7887344 yea I plan on it.
just need to do a few tweaks on the legend so I can get to the encounters with the other five and get the story rolling.
What's it a crossover with?
keeping an eye on this.
7903974 don't know yet. i had a strange plan but now that i think of it i may just get rid of that tag, unless i can get an idea on what to cross-it-over with.
I think I might pick nits at the particular disease that was chosen; botulism causes creeping paralysis.
that opening sounds like it's coming from a reference/field guide, but it's written like an amature. I'm not asking you to hit full professional levels of detail, but read through a field guide or two and use that as a reference point.
Beyond that, your dialogue is mostly fine except for when it's being forced to relay information. You should have started the story with twilight having weird dreams while getting sicker and sicker, instead of starting at one point and then jumping further back. That almost never works in writing. If you're ever writing something and you feel the need to step back in time, ask yourself three questions: Can the story work without this, would it work if the story started here instead, and do the readers need to know any information from this scene before this point? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, structure your story differently.
7920810
Yeah, it might be better if the doctors described symptoms that show she's dying- liver failure, irregular heartbeat, muscle atrophy in the extremities, etc. The kind of things that show the body is falling apart without giving a specific cause that might make an informed reader roll their eyes.
8261128
Thanks.
I know that the opening needs work, but I could never get it to feel right. If you would, could you point out the spots that need work?
I could also use an editor cause I don't catch many of the mistakes that well. And yes it was in a reference book style, but I didn't write it. I asked permission if I could use a chapter from Everfreepony's story Natura Semper Liberi and the Phoenix chapter. I know that it's a lazy writing method, but I had wanted to start with a book they way the show does.
as for the rest, I don't know right now how to re-work the flow to fit.
This is a pretty interesting first start.
8261627
is your icon what you hoped mega charizard x would look like or did you just think it was cool?
8813026
The latter. Before it was of filly dash in zapp's costume