• Member Since 27th Feb, 2015
  • offline last seen 13 hours ago


A partially insane Knoxville Brony who likes to write. I also edit. And Vector too. Who knew? Not I. If only I could focus on just one...


Caffeine withdrawal can do terrible things to a pony.

Even in the Grim Darkness of the Far Future, where there is only Epic Pony War, and an eternity of (s)laughter, clopping, and the gnashing of feasting trolls… few horrors can compare to what Lord-Commissar Nutmeg of the Equestrian Guard would unleash upon anything impeding his quest for a morning cup of recaf.

To be a pony in the 41st Millennium is to live in a regime that declares itself 20% cooler than any other imaginable, as mighty battle-fleets cross the hate-infested miasma of the dimension of the Everfree in the name of the Alicorn Princesses. And yet, it is a regime where both magical and scientific knowledge have dwindled during the Royal Sisters’ long confinement to the Equestrian Throne, an arcane relic from the Age of Harmony, where a thousand cakes are sacrificed every day so that They may never truly die.

But to stand between a pony and his daily caffeine-fix is to forget all hope of peace and understanding, and to face the full might of the Royal Sisters’ inexhaustible armies: the Space Mareines, an elite cadre of bio-engineered super equines; the Equestrian Guard; their numerous comrades-in-hoof; the ever-vigilant Alicorn Inquisition; the tech-ponies of the Equestris Marecanicus; the—

+++Error, code corrupt, purging data feed+++

+++End Transmission+++

Many thanks to CoffeeMinion for both inspiration, editing, and the gratuitous use of his OC, Nutmeg.

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 55 )

Nice beginning and set up for what could be a fun story. I look forward to further installments.

Shenanigans in the Imperium of Pony? Sign me up. I look forward to more.

Recaf is tea, Major.

I'm going to be honest; I had not realized that until now. And this is coming from someone who's read five or six Ciaphas Cain novels. :derpytongue2:

Speaking of disproportionately effective commissars, I get the feeling that we'll soon see one in action. I look forward to it.

Oh God Emperor help them...:trollestia:

I agree with Nutmeg. We must fight for the glory of recaf! Not one rebel will stand in the way and if they should... Celestia help them for I will not. Well, except for turning them into glue after the fact and using that very specific glue to send notice to the deceased's families.

7836188 I wonder if it's a thing - nobody's exactly sure how many Ciaphas Cain novels they've actually read. It may be something-something-quantum-literary-uncertainty-mumble-something.

And I always assumed that recaf was, well, coffee. I mean, the Imperials are generally written as effete starchy British, but 40K seems a bit too high-strung and mean for everybody to be drinking something soothing and palatable like tea. Even their booze sounds like sub-Irish rotgut - 'Amsec'.

They are SO screwed.

Point, your freakishly refined stealth skills are matched only by an appetite to rival that of the penitent Dobbin in the parable of his incessant thefts from Celestia's Strategic Wheatgrass Reserve.

Heh. I understood that reference.

In any case, I'm honestly surprised. It's not every day you see a commissar who can inspire his troops without shooting any of them. Eagerly looking forward to seeing just how wrong this mission can go.


How much you wanna bet he went to Ciaphus Cain's Finishing School for Competent Commissars?

This story is so fun. Unfortunately though anytime someone mentions the twins the only thing I think of is:

Oh ho. There's a form of heresy I wasn't expecting. Should be very interesting to see what implications this carries for the rest of the squad's opposition.

This has gotten a little more interesting. A rather fun 40k mix.

Part of me wants to ask Whisper what is best in life. Another part of me wants to shut up and go shooting with her. Decisions decisions.

Hmm... Not only does no plan survive contact with the enemy, this one was spelled out beforehan— BLAM!

Er, beforehoof. I look forward to seeing how else it goes wrong.

It is sad that Nutmeg wants the recaf back and thinks that it is tea, but in truth tea is HERESY because Celestia hates tea...

One of my favorite things here is the grenade launcher. I have an inordinate amount of pineapple-based happy memories from the old Quake/Goldeneye/Quake 2 days. :rainbowkiss: :pinkiecrazy:

I say that fellow who has trouble hearing has a tea time request:

The plan... it didn't work. Game over man! Game over!

It's fun reading the finished version of this. I think it came together well and maintains good tension. Fray's senses of confusion and isolation come through very strongly.

It seems Point may have caught his namesake at some moment in time. Good fun. Nice isolation and all with chunky bits too! One note you have There was barely enough light to for her navigate by, when I think you mean There was barely enough light for her to navigate by.

Keep up the good work! This is very fun.

Well, that's several kinds of not good. Heck of a cliffhanger for a heck of a chapter. Great fight choreography. As has been said, you capture frantic chaos and dread anticipation equally well.

Make them die slowly Whisper.

This story is probably my favorite thing I've read in a long while.

Y'know, this would make a good script for a fan made pony movie, if only I knew how to make one, alas... Great story so far and definitely looking forward to more!

Ponies may lessen grimdarkness, but they don't eliminate it. Though the heretics' names do help.

Oh, that ending line. :rainbowlaugh:

(FYI, there's a stray misspelled "smaps" tag hanging out in the middle.)

Fixed it. Im surprised there weren’t more smcaps related errors, I wrote it so many times, I’m practically doing it in my sleep.

So... Are they doing this on purpose, or does devoting your life to the Omnicorn do things to your subconscious that would make Freud giggle?

It’s just them. If you remember (I know, it was over a year ago, I personally blame me) they’re on this suicide mission because of their excessive and unsanctioned “servicing” of Equestrian Guard equipment.

What a fun read! I wish I had something more profound to say.

Of course. What else would that particular Traitor Legion be after? :rainbowlaugh: (And if it was a native from the other side of the mirror, it certainly is hued.)

In any case, addiction or no, Nutmeg actually is a pretty good commissar. Definitely looking forward to the denoument and more details on what happened to Trauma.

As an answer to the question: “Fingers, toes and tiny noses, brownish hair and tannish skin.”

Other side of the mirror?

Denoument and Denouement have now been added to and separated in my vocabulary.

Trauma’s alive? DIVE!

Not bad for a pone- ee. Still a ton of fun and better than a mouth full of caffeine sir.

Just a couple things I saw...

With my luck, all three are dead needs a period.
Upright began to quickly quickly scan the room with her piercing eyes.

Fixed, thank you, sir. And for the comment. :pinkiecrazy:

I love how this turned out. :twilightsmile: Inevitably, though, I spotted a few lingering bugs.

How had they bypassed
^How they had bypassed

Several of crates
^Several of the crates

full my helm
^fill my helm

around, and The
^around, and the

^din: “Hay

Soo... Wait... Is he supposed to be s ponyfied version of Commissar Ciaphus Cain??

Just who made the quote the title is named after?

No. That’s been done; that story is Blueblood: Hero of Equestria. This is something a bit different: It’s not done first person perspective, for one. Also, it follows an entire squad of ponies and their Commissar, rather than just the Commissar.

The title is based on a line from Apocalypse Now. One of the characters says “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” It felt appropriate to use it in this case.

At last it is complete, and this specific Scootachicken has come home to roost... :trollestia:

That was a very nice story, far nicer than anyone had the right to expect, given the source material for the crossover, and very well written.

And now I want a sequel. :twilightsmile:

He’d met the rest of the Inquisitor’s retinue, and the rumors about Inquisitors and their teams were true: they were insane, every last one of them. He was glad that he and his squad would be bringing some much needed mental stability to the group.

Ha! In the grim darkness of the forty-first millennium, sanity is very much relative.

In any case, an excellent denouement for a thrilling story. Thank you for it. Here's hoping we'll see Nutmeg and company again.

Thank you much, it’s been over a year of struggle to get this finished up.
Well, I have sequels in mind, so you are in luck! :pinkiecrazy:
It may be a little bit, I do have to finish up my other projects first. :derpyderp2:

I find it more funny that he goes on a murderous rampage within minutes of uttering that statement.

I plan on a sequel, but there isn’t a storyline yet. It’s going to be a bit of work to bring it to fruition.

Yup yup. :trollestia:

Onto the next big project.

Everyone knows that recaf isn't real coffee. Just as decaf isn't real coffee. It's just pointless bitter bean juice. Stupid decaf.

Well, it was a fun story ... should have been a tv show or something. It would have made zillions for sure. Thank you for the most entertainment I've had on this site.

Glad you liked it. :twilightsmile:

Well, it’s tea, because 40K is made by those zany folks from the fogbound isle. Us Amareicans are a little used to coffee being the drink of choice, probably ever since that incident where we decided to steep Boston channel.

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