• Published 9th Dec 2016
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My True Self - _Undefined_



Bon Bon and Lyra loved being best friends, but they both wished for more. If they only knew how the other truly felt…

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Chapter 1: Formative Years

As the sun rose over Whinnyapolis, a small earth pony family – a husband, his wife, and their only daughter – gathered for breakfast.

The wife, Sugar Plum, had a mane made up of layers of amethyst and lavender hair that ended in subtle curls on both sides of her neck. From the kitchen, she carried a plate to the table in her mouth and set it before her husband. “Here you go, dear,” she said as she nudged the plate directly in front of him. It contained two eggs served sunny-side up with a slice of toast – the same breakfast he ate every morning. She went back to the kitchen to finish preparing the oatmeal that would accompany his eggs.

“Thank you,” said Straight Lace, a stallion with a neat, carefully cut, black mane. Even though he was living in Whinnyapolis, he, like his wife, did not speak with a Whinnysota accent. He wrapped his hoof around a knife and began to butter his toast.

At the other end of the rectangular table sat their six-year-old daughter, Sweetie Drops. Her coat was a cream color – darker than her mother’s ivory-colored coat but lighter than her father’s tan coat. Her naturally curled mane was divided down the middle into two sections – bright rose on one side and blueberry-colored on the other.

A bowl of cereal was in front of Sweetie Drops and a plate of freshly-baked doughnuts was off to her side. As she looked at the doughnuts, she was struck with inspiration. She reached over, picked up a doughnut in each of her forehooves, and held them in front of the bright blue plastic frame of the glasses that she had been prescribed just two weeks prior.

“Look, daddy!” she exclaimed. “I found new glasses that I can wear!” She looked through the holes of the doughnuts and beamed at her father, proud of her joke.

Straight Lace glared at her. “Sweetie Drops!” he barked. The smile fell from Sweetie Drops’ face. “Put those down right now! You know not to play with your food!” Sweetie Drops set the doughnuts down beside her cereal and looked toward the floor.

Sugar Plum carried the oatmeal in and placed it on the table. “What happened?” she asked.

“Our daughter was just being… different. We’ve taught you better than that, Sweetie Drops. Act the way other ponies expect you to act.”

Sweetie Drops looked at her mother pleadingly. Sugar Plum simply said, “Listen to your father.”

“Yes, mom. Yes, dad,” Sweetie Drops replied sadly. She picked up a doughnut and took a bite. Normally, she liked doughnuts, but now, this one didn’t taste as good.

After breakfast, Sugar Plum walked Sweetie Drops to school. Sweetie Drops was in no hurry to get there. She had only been attending for about three months, and based on the pattern her family had followed since before she could remember, she would probably only attend for two or three months more. Then her father would have to move to a new city and she would attend a new school.

Straight Lace had a job with the Administration for the Redistribution of Magical Imbalances. Sweetie Drops didn’t understand exactly what he did, but she knew it had something to do with too much magic building up in one place at a time. As her parents explained it, if too much magic got bunched up in one city, then all of the unicorn magic would go out of control. So when Canterlot received word that a city was starting to show the warning signs of a magical imbalance, they would send Straight Lace to that city where he used some special equipment to get everything back to normal.

Sweetie Drops didn’t care about the details. All she knew was that her father’s job meant she had to move to a new town two or three times each year. When she first started attending school, she had tried to make friends in the first couple of cities she lived in. But it hurt too much when her family had to move and she had to say good-bye each time, so by this point, she had given up. It took too long to try to meet new ponies when she compared it to how long she would get to be friends with them. If she kept to herself and didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, it was easier to get through the day.


Sweetie Drops, now nearly an adult, sat outside of the guidance counselor’s office at Seaddle Secondary School. While her family’s constant moves from city to city meant that she never really had any ponies her own age she could confide in, she would occasionally talk to a school’s guidance counselor when she had a question she didn’t want to discuss with her parents. And this day, she had something very important that she needed to ask.

The door to the office opened and another student walked out. Sage Insight, the guidance counselor, stuck her head out the door. “Sweetie Drops?” she asked in a professional yet kind manner. “Come on in.”

Sweetie Drops took a deep breath, exhaled, and walked into Sage Insight’s office. In her head, she had spent a lot of time going over how she was going to phrase this.

“Have a seat,” Sage Insight said, gesturing to a chair on the opposite side of her desk. Sweetie Drops did so. “It’s nice to meet you. What did you want to talk about?”

Sweetie Drops launched into the short speech she had practiced in her head. “I need your advice,” she said. “I have a secret. About myself. It’s nothing bad, nothing illegal. But it’s something that nopony else knows. And I don’t know whether I should tell anypony.” Sweetie Drops wasn’t going to tell Sage Insight what the secret was. She wasn’t ready to do that yet.

“I see,” Sage Insight said. Although Sweetie Drops didn’t realize it, Sage Insight had been a secondary school guidance counselor long enough to have a good idea what Sweetie Drops was referring to. Usually, when a student said they had a private secret that wasn’t related to the law, it meant one of two things. And since Sweetie Drops hadn’t subconsciously placed her hoof over her belly, Sage Insight was pretty sure what her secret was. But Sage Insight would never let on that she knew. That wouldn’t be fair to the student.

“You don’t have to tell me the secret if you don’t want to,” Sage Insight assured her. Sweetie Drops nodded. Sage Insight said, “Let me ask you this: Do you think it would make you feel better if you revealed this secret?”

“I’m not sure,” Sweetie Drops said. “It would depend on how the ponies I reveal it to reacted.”

Sage Insight nodded. “Unfortunately, there’s no way to be absolutely certain how somepony will react. May I ask who you were thinking of telling this secret to?”

“My parents,” Sweetie Drops said.

Sage Insight put her hoof to her chin in contemplation. Because Sweetie Drops had made an appointment, Sage Insight had already had a chance to review her file: Sweetie Drops had to frequently change schools, so it was likely she didn’t have any close friends she could confide in. And she was an only child, so it made sense that her parents would be the ponies she trusted the most. Still, at Sweetie Drops’ age, the decision whether to reveal this secret to her parents needed to be made carefully.

“Well, I can’t tell you one way or the other that you definitely should or you definitely shouldn’t tell your parents,” Sage Insight said. “I can’t promise you that they’ll react positively and I can’t warn you that they’ll react negatively. There’s just no way for me to predict that.”

Sweetie Drops gave a small, single nod of comprehension.

Sage Insight softly exhaled through her nose. “I’m afraid I can’t give you much concrete advice in this situation. All I can really help you do is consider the what-ifs. I know that it can be difficult to keep a secret bottled up inside of you. You’ll have to weigh that against how you’ll feel if your parents do react negatively to your secret. Especially since you’ll still be living with them.”

“But I’m graduating at the end of the year,” Sweetie Drops said.

“That’s true, and that’s something else for you to consider. Whether you want to place your trust in them now, or whether you want to wait until you’re out on your own.” A brief pause. “I get the feeling that being honest with them is important to you.”

“It is,” Sweetie Drops said. “I just wish I knew what was going to happen.”

“I wish I knew, too,” Sage Insight said. “There’s no one consistent way this situation plays out. I’ve seen students in the past who have had various secrets of their own. Sometimes they tell their parents, their parents are supportive, and everypony is happy. Sometimes they wait, then wish they hadn’t waited so long. But sometimes they tell their parents and their parents don’t react well.” She saw Sweetie Drops’ face fall a little. “The only advice I can offer is to tell you that all of these outcomes have happened in the past. But I can’t guarantee which outcome will happen to you.”

“I understand,” Sweetie Drops said.

“I’m really sorry that I can’t give you more help,” Sage Insight said. “Is there anything else you want to discuss? About this, or about anything?”

“No,” Sweetie Drops said as she got up from the chair. “I guess I just need to think about all of the things that might happen.”

“That’s the best advice I can give,” Sage Insight said apologetically. As Sweetie Drops was reaching for the door handle, Sage Insight added, “No matter what decision you come to – whether to keep it a secret, whether to tell somepony, however that somepony reacts if you tell them – please know that I’m always available to talk. And anything you say here will be kept confidential.”

“Thanks,” Sweetie Drops said, then left the office. Sage Insight couldn’t be sure whether the statement was genuine. She silently wished Sweetie Drops the best.


Five weeks later, Sweetie Drops made the decision to tell her parents. She felt like she wasn’t being true to herself by keeping it a secret. And although she wasn’t sure how her parents would react, she had used the intervening time to accept that it would make her feel more at peace to get it out in the open in some small way.

Plus, the timing was as good as it was going to be. Her father had recently finished his work correcting the magical imbalance in Seaddle. He had had some time to relax from the stress of his job, but he hadn’t yet become anxious that he was spending too much time at home – after a few weeks of nothing to do, he would always start to worry that there was some imbalance building up somewhere that no one knew about, and that if it went unchecked for too long, it would be too overwhelming to stop.

So that evening, after Sweetie Drops helped her mother clear the dishes from the dining room table, she sat back down. “Mom? Dad? There’s something important I want to tell you.”

Sugar Plum returned to the table and took her seat. “What is it, Sweetie?”

Sweetie Drops looked at her parents. Her plan was to cut to the chase; to promptly get it out into the open. She took a breath to steady herself. “There’s something about me that you need to know. I’m gay. I’m attracted to mares.”

Silence. A thick, uncomfortable silence.

Straight Lace’s brow furrowed. His lips curled downward.

Sugar Plum simply blinked, seemingly unable to comprehend the words.

Sweetie Drops said nothing. She fought the urge to elaborate, to fill the void with sound. There was nothing that needed further explanation.

Sugar Plum looked to Straight Lace. Then back at Sweetie Drops. Then back to Straight Lace.

Finally, Straight Lace broke the silence. His voice was even; his tone straightforward. “No you’re not.”

Sweetie Drops was stunned. She had tried to anticipate various ways her parents might react, but she hadn’t expected them to outright reject her statement. After a moment, she recovered from the shock in order to respond. Keeping her voice level, she said, “I am. I’m gay. I’m sure of it.” The tension in the air was palpable.

Sugar Plum spoke. “I know that colt in Fillydelphia who asked you out wasn’t very nice, but that’s no reason to give up on all of them.”

“No, mom, that isn’t it.” Sweetie Drops knew that she needed to keep herself calm. Raising her voice would only make the situation worse. “This isn’t something I decided to do. It’s who I am.”

Straight Lace was visibly trying to keep his emotions in check. While he didn’t slam his hoof down on the table, he did lower it with more strength than was necessary. “You don’t really feel that way. You just got the wrong idea in your head from those ponies in Maresachusetts.”

In truth, it was witnessing the love and acceptance of the Maresachusetts schoolponies which had helped Sweetie Drops build up the courage to come out in the first place. But that didn’t make what her father said any less inaccurate. “Nopony told me to be attracted to mares,” she said. “I’ve always been like this.”

“What if you joined the committee to help plan the next school dance?” Sugar Plum suggested.

“I recommend you think long and hard before you make this decision,” Straight Lace said, his voice nearly a growl.

“This isn’t a decision. It’s a statement of fact.” Sweetie Drops was growing increasingly frustrated – there were only so many different ways to say the same thing. Her parents wouldn’t even accept the basic truth of the matter.

“We’ll find a psychiatrist for you to talk to,” Sugar Plum said. “He’ll help you get over this.”

Sweetie Drops couldn’t take it anymore. She got up from the table. “I’m going to go to my room now, before I start yelling or saying something I’ll regret. However, I will say it once again: I am gay. Nothing you say or do can change that.”

Sweetie Drops turned and walked up the stairs. Her legs felt like they were going to give out at any moment.

She walked into her bedroom, closed the door – not a slam, but nearly – and collapsed onto her bed, face-down. She pressed the pillow against her face and screamed into it as forcefully as she could. That muffled scream then turned into muffled sobbing.


Sweetie Drops remained in her bedroom until the next morning. The only time either of her parents spoke to her was when her mother stated through the door, “There’s cereal on the table.”

“I’m not hungry,” Sweetie Drops said back. Her voice was raw from the night before.

Sweetie Drops stayed in her room until she had to leave. It was only then that she opened her door, walked down the stairs, and announced “I’m going to school” to the rest of the house without looking behind her. Then she left.

At school, she tried to focus on the lectures. Tried to block the events of the previous night from her head. But it was no use. She took some small comfort in the fact that because she always kept to herself in class, no one was going to ask her what was wrong. She didn’t want to talk about it.

She took her time walking home from school. But she knew she couldn’t stay away from the problem forever. She reached her house and walked inside, finding her parents in the living room. “I’m home,” she said flatly.

“Your mother and I have been talking,” Straight Lace said. “If you’re willing to apologize for what you said, we’re willing to pretend last night never happened.”

“We know you didn’t mean it,” Sugar Plum added.

Sweetie Drops couldn’t handle having this conversation again. “I have nothing to apologize for,” she said. She didn’t want the emotion to show in her voice, but she couldn’t help it. “I was telling you the truth. I was hoping you would at least believe me!”

She ran upstairs and locked herself in her room. For the second day in a row, Sweetie Drops found herself crying into her pillow.

When she stopped crying, she could faintly overhear her parents talking downstairs.

“…just trying to get attention, Sugar Plum.”

“Is it because of school? She’s never had that problem before.”

“It doesn’t matter why. She’s got to learn that acting different than everypony else isn’t the right way to go about it.”

Sweetie Drops pulled her pillow up and over her ears. She didn’t want to hear it.

Eventually, she got up and found a pair of earmuffs buried inside one of the storage bins in her closet. Combined with the door being closed, they blocked out the sound. Sweetie Drops focused on trying to complete her homework.

Because she wasn’t able to fully concentrate, it took longer than usual for her to finish her assignments. By the time she was done, it was time for dinner.

She really didn’t want to face her parents again that evening. She took off the earmuffs and stepped toward the door. Once again, she could just make out the sound of their voices.

“I should go up and tell her that dinner’s ready.”

“She knows when dinnertime is. If she wants some, she can come down here on her own.”

Sweetie Drops’ stomach growled. So far that day, she had only eaten lunch.

She decided to stay in her room.


The next morning, Sweetie Drops lay in bed, reading a biography of Calamity Mane. She had just read it the month before – even that first time, she questioned whether all of the stories were actually true. She didn’t really feel like reading the book again, but she had woken up an hour ago and there was nothing else for her to do while she confined herself to her bedroom.

There was a knock on her door. Her mother’s voice called from the other side. “Sweetie Drops? Are you okay?”

“I’m here,” Sweetie Drops answered.

“Honey, you have to eat. Please, come down and have breakfast. I promise, your father and I won’t say anything.”

Maybe it was her stomach talking, but Sweetie Drops was willing to settle for that at the moment.

After that, things returned to an altered state of normalcy. Sweetie Drops didn’t lock herself away in her bedroom. However, everyday conversations between her and her parents were much terser. Sweetie Drops didn’t bring up the subject of her sexual orientation again. Occasionally, one of her parents would make reference to a time when she would be “past this phase.” When they did, Sweetie Drops would just ignore them. It was easier than trying to convince them of something they would never accept.

As she walked from class to class through the school building, Sweetie Drops would pass by the corridor that led to Sage Insight’s office. A few times, she considered walking down there to talk about what had happened at home. But she always decided against it. Coming out had been a mistake, and she didn’t want to go through that emotional turmoil again.

Eventually, her father was relocated to Baltimare. Sweetie Drops enrolled in yet another school where she was once again the new student that no one got to know very well. That was the school from which she graduated at the end of her final year.

The day after she graduated, her parents told her that following dinner that evening, they would talk to her about what she would be doing now that she was finished with school. This was a subject that Sweetie Drops wanted to discuss with them, as well – she had long ago established that her special talent was candy making, and she was looking forward to learning the trade at one of the city’s candy stores. Getting out of the house and living on her own would be good for her, too. She was just worried about how she would find a place to live and initially make ends meet.

Dinner ended, and the family took their seats at the empty dining room table. It was the first time the three sat together for an after-dinner conversation since Sweetie Drops had come out months earlier. Even though it was the same table, the fact that it was a different house helped to defuse some of the inherent tension.

Straight Lace was the first to speak. “As you know, now that you’ve finished school, you’re expected to go out into the world and start a career.”

Sweetie Drops nodded. She was eager to start discussing plans to move out. But her father hadn’t finished speaking yet and she didn’t want to make him angry by interrupting him.

Straight Lace continued. “To that end, I’ve arranged through my contacts in Canterlot to get you a job in the Royal Guard Support Corps.”

Sweetie Drops’ chest tightened. There was a moment of silence as she processed what her father just said. Her only immediate reaction was, “…You what?”

Straight Lace ignored the question. “You won’t be serving in the Royal Guard itself. The Support Corps offers a number of programs which serve Equestria while teaching its recruits discipline and conformity. You’ll most likely be placed into the food service program. Maybe the nursing academy. The point is, they’ll be able to teach you how to behave like a proper young mare so you can move past your current lifestyle choice.”

Sweetie Drops momentarily forgot the outrageousness of her father’s initial statement to focus on the outrageousness of his last sentence. Clearly, she couldn’t ignore it any longer.

“My being gay isn’t a ‘lifestyle choice,’” she said angrily. “It isn’t something that the Royal Guard can change.”

“Please, Sweetie,” her mother said. “This is for your own good.”

“No!” Sweetie Drops shot back. “This is you two still refusing to accept who I am! How could you just sign me up for the Royal Guard without even talking to me first?”

“I’m still your father, and I still have the right to see that my daughter gets the help she needs to become a normal, productive member of society,” Straight Lace said sternly. “This decision is not negotiable. I suggest you go to your room and start packing. You’re allowed one suitcase. The charioteers will be here tomorrow morning to take you to the Support Corps headquarters in Canterlot.”

Sweetie Drops wanted to scream. She wanted to run away. She wanted to escape. But she realized she had no idea what she would do if she tried to run away from home. The only familiar place she could run to was her bedroom, and that was where her father had just told her to go.

“I’m going to my room,” she said. “But only because I don’t want to talk to you two right now. I am not packing, because I am not going anywhere.”

Sweetie Drops left the dining room. Sugar Plum looked to her husband. Straight Lace simply shook his head regretfully.


The next morning, Sweetie Drops was lying in her bed. Her sleep that night had been fitful. And she still had no idea what she was going to do.

There was a knock at her door. It was her father. “Sweetie Drops, the charioteers are here. Open the door or we’re coming in.”

Their current house had no locks on the bedroom doors. Sweetie Drops got out of bed and looked out her first-story window. She could see an ornately-decorated chariot parked outside the front of the house. It would have been beautiful if it wasn’t being used to take her someplace against her will.

Sweetie Drops really didn’t want to run away from home – she didn’t know the first thing about being a transient and she knew her father would immediately send the police after her. But she also didn’t have any other options. She began to unlock the window.

Her father opened the door. Sweetie Drops turned around and saw standing behind him two very large, very serious-looking pegasi, each wearing full armor. She knew that even if she tried to run, they’d be able to follow her.

“Did you pack?” her father asked.

“No,” she stated.

“Suit yourself,” he said. He motioned for her to follow the guards.

Sweetie Drops didn’t want to go. But she also didn’t want to be physically dragged out of her own house. In the end, she chose to maintain her dignity.

Sweetie Drops walked down the hallway, out the front door, and stepped into the chariot. Behind her, she could hear her mother crying. Sweetie Drops didn’t turn around to look.

The pegasi harnessed themselves to the chariot. Wordlessly, they took off into the air. Sweetie Drops sat facing forward the entire time. She dedicated every ounce of her concentration to maintaining the grimace on her face. She refused to let anyone see her cry.

But once the chariot was far enough away from the house, she lay down, put her head in her hooves, and quietly wept.