How to Disappear Completely

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Wizards

"You're taking me to..." Flash Sentry blinked, his eyes reflecting towering rows of tightly-packed tomes. "...a library?"

"Shhhhh!" Soarin insisted. Then—with a motion of his neck—he led Flash Sentry deeper (and quieter) into the heart of the crystalline archives. "It's something inside the library. In the west wing."

"Hah... the west wing, huh?" Flash smirked slyly, keeping up with the still-uniform'd Wonderbolt. "Careful. I hear it's forbidden."

"It is? Since when?"

Flash shook his head with a sigh and muttered in mid-trot. "If you want me to read the books they've got stored away here, I'm flattered. Really, I am. But... eh... I'm something of a slow reader and I'd much rather get a look around at the place itself—"

"It's got nothing to do with books, bro."

"Oh?" Flash blinked. "Does this place have a microfilm section?"

"Honestly... do you ever have anything sensible to spit between breaths?"

"Would you have it any other way."

"Guess not." Soarin smirked as he turned one last corner. The two stallions approached a second floor balcony overlooking a lower level to the archives. The air here was bright—with a glass domed ceiling letting in lots of sun. Beyond the balcony, a large chamber full of tables with alchemy equipment lingered beneath the railing. Ponies were lined up on both the top and bottom floors, murmuring to one another as they observed what was transpiring.

Flash Sentry heard a tingle to the air, like chimes were being struckly lightly in succession. Curiously, he cranked his neck as Soarin brought him to the railing's edge.

"Check it out," Soarin said, gesturing down at the sight unfolding.

Flash peered with thin eyes. At first, he thought he was looking at a light show. Perhaps even a hologram. Then—after several seconds of comprehending—he felt his heart leap into his chest. The teenager was observing actual objects floating around with actual magic. In the center of the room below was a stallion with an orange coat and a fiery-red mane, and he was actually a unicorn. Brilliant bursts of light emanated from his horn as he assembled a wagon in midair. Then—with gentle ministrations—he telekinetically lowered the object down, smiled, and rolled it towards a grateful family of crystal ponies who sputtered their thanks and bowed humbly. He bowed right back before shaking their hooves and sending them on their way. Another crystalline family trotted up from a line of citizens waiting to see the unicorn, this time presenting an heirloom of sorts. The stallion appraised it in midair, rubbed a scruffy red goatee, then went about fixing the broken item from the inside out with enchanted finesse.

"Voila!" Soarin gestured. "Magic!"

"I... can see that."

"Figured you'd like to get a taste of the real thing," Soarin said. "Seeing as you don't have any of it back home on Earth... well... human Earth."

"Oh, I've seen it before," Flash muttered.

"You have?" Soarin blinked crookedly. "But I thought you said—" He then inhaled knowingly. "Ohhhhhhh. Back in Ponyville. I forgot that place had unicorns."

"That's not what I meant. I mean... you're not wrong. I saw some magic back there. But back on Earth? My Earth?" Flash's eyes remained transfixed on the floating object that was being magically repaired before his lofty gaze. He noticed a faint glow encapsulating the items in the unicorn's telekinetic grasp. It matched the unicorn's eyes, and the stallion's starry cape also glowed with some off-hoof enchantment. "We've had magic show up and... manifest itself. Only... uhm..." He gulped dryly "...it's never been that much of a good thing."

"No?"

"Yeah." Flash fidgeted. "I was mind-controlled as a teenage zombie for one evening," he said, trying not to crack up at the blatant confession. "Also, I had my body and spirit corrupted by Sirens disguised as humans. Then there was that time a bunch of crazy portals opened up and nearly plummeted me and my friends to our death. Oh... and also Camp Everfree. Can't forget the psychotic camp counselor turned hentai plant monster. What was her name...? 'Sunflower...?' 'Glenda Rosebud...?' Uhhhh..." He rubbed his head hard. "'Sarah Palin.' We'll just go with that for now."

"My bad, dude," Soarin remarked. "I didn't realize magic had such a... bad reputation in your world."

"In brief spurts." Flash bit his lip. "Enough to not really want much to do with it."

"Is that why you're so freaked out right now?" Soarin asked.

"... ... ...?" Flash looked at Soarin, then up at his own ears. He realized that they had been flattened that entire time. "Eheh..." Relaxing slightly, he flicked them straight back up. "To be fair, some of my... ... ...former friends are imbued with magic. Even to this day. And they've only ever done us a world of good."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Saved my butt from all those nasty things I just mentioned," Flash said. "Even hentai plant monster Kellyanne Conway... I-I mean Sarah Palin."

"But for the most part, magic just doesn't happen in your world."

"Not really, dude." Flash gestured. "The only time we ever get touched with magic—it's on account of the portal we have that connects with Equestria."

"Ah. Well, I'm sorry about that."

"Nothing for you to be sorry for," Flash said. "Magic itself isn't... bad. It just... usually does freaky things in my world. But here...?" He smiled as he watched the unicorn fix the heirloom and offer it back to the smiling family. "Gotta admit. It looks pretty sweet."

"Most ponies I know use magic only for good," Soarin said. "But there are a few bad eggs every now and then."

"Yeah..."

"Sorta like... your human world and technology, huh?" Soarin smiled calmly. "I've gotten the impression that you've got a few bad eggs too."

"Pffft. A few good eggs, you mean."

"Huh?"

"Believe me. If magic was as rampant in my world as it was in yours? We'd have a Saruman nine times out of ten instead of a Gandalf."

"Uhhhhhhhh—"

"I mean we'd corrupt that shiet, bro." Flash's nostrils flared. "After all why not? Technology only stands out when we need weapons for war or ways to pollute our world even more."

"Surely it can't all be that terrible."

Flash opened his muzzle... then fidgeted. He resumed staring at the unicorn's work below.

"I mean..." Soarin chuckled. "Don't you have doctors and caregivers in your world? Engineers and scientists? They can't mostly be bad if there's some sort of civilization to speak for itself! C uz... if your world is anything nearly as terrible as you seem to paint it, I can't see how anyone would survive a single day!"

"And yet we do," Flash muttered. "For what it's worth."

Soarin smoothed his bangs back, smiling. "I think you could use some more magic in your life, bro."

"I already told you, humans would only—"

"I wasn't talking about humans. I was talking about you." Soarin smirked. "And you're not exactly human right now, are you?"

Flash was silent for a while. Eventually, he leaned back with a sigh. "So... what? Do I grow a horn from my skull?" He smiled tiredly at his friend. "Seems that only unicorns use magic in this place."

"And that makes you an ignoramus."

"Huh?"

Soarin laughed. "Pegasi are sooooooo magical, dude."

"We are?"

"Yes! And earth ponies too! And horses and zebras and mules and—you name it! We've all got magic, bro."

"But... how...?"

"You think it's just your wings keeping you in the air?" Soarin' winked. "Without magic, we'd all drop like anvils the moment we kicked off the ground."

"We... that..." Soarin fidgeted. "Pegasus flight isn't natural?"

"Nope! All this time, you've had flight magic on your side. Don't believe me? I went for a few days without magic after Tirek went on his rampage and stole them from us. Made me feel like a bulldozer with fuzzy ears."

"Yeesh... that sucks."

"It did. But then we were saved by the Princess of Friendship. I couldn't be more grateful. So... how does it feel?"

"How does what feel?"

"To know that you've spent your entire time as a pony being magical?" Soarin smiled. "And yet... during all of that time... has your human essence reared its ugly head and done nasty stuff with the gift?"

"... ... ..." Flash Sentry shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe I just... haven't figured out something devious enough to do yet."

"Come on, bro." Soarin shook his head. "Has it occurred to you that maybe life isn't quite as awful on the other side of the portal?"

"Well..."

"Maybe... just maybe..." Soarin's expression turned deadpan for a second. "...it only feels awful."

Flash traced lines across the railing. He muttered in a low tone: "You don't know what it's like over there, Soarin."

"You're right. I don't." Soarin nodded. "All I've got to learn from is you. And you seem pretty okay in my book."

Flash glanced at him.

"Maybe you just gotta learn to cut yourself a break, Flash," Soarin said. "If there's at least another person from your world that's anything like you, then that's something to be super glad for. Don't you think?"

"I... I don't know..."

Soarin shrugged. "Fair enough. But maybe..." He looked over the railing again. "...you just gotta look harder, y'know? Look for the good humans... the ones who do good things for other people. Like the Crystal Empire's court wizard here."

Flash squinted his eyes. "He's the court wizard?"

"You bet! Moved in shortly after the Empire resurfaced. He's pledged his services to the crytal citizens here. He's even agreed to help the stewards raise their child—Princess Flurry Heart."

"Snazzy."

"Uh huh."

"What's... uh..." Flash blinked. "What's his name?"

"Ah jeez..." Soarin tapped his chin in thought. "It's a typical unicorn one. Uhhhh... 'Sunset!'"

Flash sliced at him with narrow eyes. "Sunset?"

"Er. No. 'Sunburst!' That's it! Heh..." Soarin blushed slightly. "I guess 'Sunset' is a tad bit more feminine, huh?"

"God, I'd hope so."

"Ah! A magic show!" Fancy Pants inexplicably showed up, leaning against the railing beside the two younger stallions. "Correct that—court wizardry! Oh, well how simply marvelous. It's certainly a great deal humbler than what's on display in Canterlot. I rather like it."

"Hello, Mr. Pants," Soarin remarked, giving a casual salute. "I thought you were going to speak with the Stewards about the festivities."

"Mmmmm..." Fancy Pants sighed. "I already have, my good fellow."

Flash Sentry blinked, concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Ah, Brad... ever the empathetic one." Fancy smiled gently, patting the stallion's shoulder. He weathered another sigh. "I'm afraid we've stumbled upon... something of an impasse..."

Comments

[KnightMysterio]

Calling it now - Confusion from the native Flash is about to start.

[Grey Rebl]

"Ah, Brad... ever the empathetic one." Fancy smiled gently, patting the stallion's shoulder. He weathered another sigh. "I'm afraid we've stumbled upon... something of an impasse..."

Meh. No vacation comes without its hurdles. Be it losing your mp3 player at the airport, forgetting to bring your charger, getting some sunburns but forced to drive, or having to deal with diplomatic obstacles in a cutest-wutesy pony Italy in a country of fluffy livestock despite being an alternative dimensional alien from far, far away...

At which point, out of context, somebody’s probably on crystal meth. Might explain the crystal ponies.

[Booster Spice]

Speak of Gandalf, and you get an impass.

Good thing Flash didnt thrice mention Teasmaids. Goblin or otherwise.

[Bookeater_otaku]

"God, I'd hope so."

I bet Flash had a doubt for just a second about Sunset. A bit more and he would have been able to quote Genera Ackbar: "It's a trap!".

Get it?

[IceKitsune]

Well lets hope that Flash is able to solve this one

[Vutava]

[Odeinoichus]

8775823

Honestly, I've never seen my posts as having a tone, but then again I am a bit clinically minded and tend to use larger words where smaller ones would probably suffice. Perhaps because of that my posts take on a lecturing smarmy attitude type tone, or something similar to that, I certainly can't say entirely as I'm the one typing them, and it's impossible to see oneself from the context of outside unless they either have an out-of-body experience or... you know... probably after we die or something we find answers of some kind.

Either way I digress. I'll try to be mindful of my tone in future and ignore responding to comments designed to incite defensive posturing.

UGH, that sounds terribly British when I read it in my head, anyway. Back to enjoying fictions on the site.

[The Great Derpsby]

"What's... uh..." Flash blinked. "What's his name?"

"Ah jeez..." Soarin tapped his chin in thought. "It's a typical unicorn one. Uhhhh... 'Sunset!'"

Flash sliced at him with narrow eyes. "Sunset?"

"Er. No. 'Sunburst!' That's it! Heh..." Soarin blushed slightly. "I guess 'Sunset' is a tad bit more feminine, huh?"

"God, I'd hope so."

With Flash's luck, that's her younger brother.

[Kaze_of_Griffonstone]

8775886
What you need to understand is that SS&E is a, shall we say, established pillar of the fimfic community. You've got Knighty, Majin Syeekoh, and SS&E as some kinda weird-ass fimfic trinity. Their works are, by this point, considered art, sight unseen. You, as a user approaching their 2nd summer with the site, are not credentialed enough to critically assess their works. Sure, you can do it as a human being in your own private musings, at which point it is better to keep those thoughts to yourself.

When I say 'entitled' I mean that, from the tone of your post, you expect the author to act on your critique like it's the holy word of God. Then again, I'm probably getting that from your lack of succinct voice and general displeasure with the immersion breaking narration, to which I will again inform you that your critique falls on not just deaf ears, but ears that are (somehow) laughing at you.

[Grey Rebl]

8776386
...Isn’t this kinda insulting to said “pillars of FimFiction”? You make them sound like entitled pricks themselves.

[Kaze_of_Griffonstone]

8776398
Not entitled. The pillars have earned their status. The top players on the site have their own cliques and circles they run in to perpetuate their celebrity. That takes dedication and time, even if you don't consider it work. All of us readers and/or newbies need to learn to respect their untouchable status.

[Odeinoichus]

8776386

It's called critique for a reason. And making these 'authors' sound like the be all end all, can do no wrong, just because they've been here the longest. Yeah, I don't care how long someone has been established on this site, that is no excuse for anyone being told not to express themselves properly when they feel something isn't flowing right or working right.

I could care less if the author chooses to take what I say into account or not, all I know is that I felt the entire debate about Archer and Shran felt completely out of place coming from a fictional character in a fictional world that DOES NOT have Star Trek because it is a FICTIONAL universe in our world, but not EQG.

Also, I don't give a slagging scrapmaker of Cybertronian Turbo Foxes how long someone has been with this site, you don't tell them that they HAVE NO BUSINESS typing up a post to express their pleasure or displeasure with a story. That's elitist mentality of the highest order and a fast way to kill any fandom because newer folks who want to join will be deterred from such a toxic mentality and environment. Just because my statistics are only so long being officially a member doesn't mean I haven't been lurking offline for years before this. I know the authors of this site, I know what I enjoy, and I know when I feel an author isn't trying hard enough to their potential.

Authors won't grow if they never get told something is not working, I would have had a horrible experience as a writer if I never took any constructive feedback into account to fix my mistakes and how I approached storytelling. I've handled some feedback poorly in the past too, and I try to make sure I don't sound like a total jerk when I type something up. This isn't entirely easy, we humans have a tendency to react poorly to negative stuff in this type of context. Remember, a large percentage of how we take anything is based on non-verbal communication, body language and stuff, so faceless text messages and posts are pretty difficult to judge tone and intent by.

And just because I feel the author is lacking doesn't mean I've stopped reading this thing, I mean it is a rarity when Flash starts using real world references, or at least due to the nature of the chapter lengths it is definitely harder to spot as often. Ordinarily I've let it slide in the past, but when an orange skinned multi-coloured human in EQG world starts debating the context of Caucasian and African skin tones... I mean... EQG doesn't have Caucasian or African skin tones in-universe because everybody is diverse and you've got various shades of red, green, yellow, blue, pink, orange, etcetera and so on. I highly doubt the humans of the EQG universe would have racism the same way, especially considering we haven't actually seen any 'black' characters. In the traditional sense of the word. Just doesn't seem like something anybody, even an emotionally crippled Flash Sentry would ever need to discuss or bring up.

That's where I was coming from, and that's what my post meant. And that's why I expressed my displeasure at that particular chapter.

[MythrilMoth]

8776386

What you need to understand is that SS&E is a, shall we say, established pillar of the fimfic community. You've got Knighty, Majin Syeekoh, and SS&E as some kinda weird-ass fimfic trinity. Their works are, by this point, considered art, sight unseen.

BULLSHIT.

Skirts is as fallible as the rest of us. Skirts has hits and misses, just like the rest of us. Skirts does things that work and things that don't work, JUST LIKE THE REST OF US. This attitude, you need to throw it out the window with the rest of the garbage.

Constructive criticism is the lifeblood of every writer, no matter how "established" they are. If a writer does something that a reader takes issue with, and the reader takes the time to explain what doesn't quite work without being insulting or derogatory about it, that's helpful to a good writer. What's not helpful? Is readers attacking other readers for having an opinion and providing constructive criticism.

Let me quote your own post back at you from earlier in this thread:

Welcome to Shortskirtsandexplosions. Normally the orientation is on Wednesday, but we can establish some ground rules before you're given the tour proper.

1. SS&E gives zero shits about your immersion.

2. Don't be a dick.

There. That should get you by till someone else can explain post etiquette in your language. I don't speak 'entitled sperg'.

1. Don't presume to speak for SS&E. You are not SS&E.

2. Who's the one being a dick here? The one providing insightful and constructive criticism on a story, or the one jumping down somebody's throat for "challenging" the "great and powerful Skirtsie"?

3. The second you called somebody else an "entitled sperg", you laid out exactly who and what you are. I'll give you a hint: it's not a good thing, what you are. Maybe you want to delete garbage like that from your vocabulary, hm? It's not going to win you any friends or respect anywhere.

Now, you can look down on Odeinoichus as much as you like, for whatever reasons you like, that's your right. But your behavior is rude, obnoxious, disrespectful, and inappropriate, and it's my right and my responsibility to call you out on it.

In short, grow the fuck up. Don't bitch people out for posting legitimate commentary and criticism on other people's stories. It's not your place.

[djthomp]

The magic is coming from inside the horse.

"You're right. I don't." Soarin nodded. "All I've got to learn from is you. And you seem pretty okay in my book."

Hear, hear.

Fancy unicorn out of nowhere. Almost as if by magic.

[gakposter]

8776424
are you really gatekeeping a fucking my little pony site?

[Maple Draft]

8776424
SS&E's an amazing wordsmith. "Pillar" and "untouchable" is a bit much.

[Quille]

"You think it's justyour wingskeeping you in the air?" Soarin' winked. "Without magic, we'd all drop like anvils the moment we kicked off the ground."

"We... that..." Soarin fidgeted. "Pegasus flight isn'tnatural?"

"Nope! All this time, you've hadflight magicon your side. Don't believe me? I went for a few days without magic after Tirek went on his rampage and stole them from us. Made me feel like a bulldozer with fuzzy ears."

Wh... what? I'm confused, the middle sentence is spoken by our dear boy Flash, right?