Muffins
She hopped sideways over the thrift store's counter, knocking over loose pots and pans. "You came to the right place, Mr. Bard!"
"Uhm..." Flash smiled nervously, leaning away from her. "It's Brad."
"Flying is as easy as one-two-three!" The pegasus smiled in opposite directions, stretching her gray feathers. "Even a foal can do it, so what's stopping you, Mr. Bard?" Her appendages blurred as she lifted towards the ceiling. "All you gotta do is flap your wings like so, and then gravity does the rest! Er..." Her wall-eyes squinted as she held a hoof to her chin. "...or maybe it's the other way around? Anyways... just avoid the earth and don't get too close to the sun! Easy-peasy!" She struck the ceiling of the store. Bonk! "Ouchies!" Her body plummeted like a feathery missile.
"Sh-shit!" Flash gritted his teeth and galloped forward. He caught her falling figure just in time.
Thwump! She landed on his flank, legs and chin dangling backwards. She smiled over his slack tail. "Lookie! Such reflexes! You'll be doing loopty-loops in no time! Heehee!"
Flash was stuck between panicking and laughing. So he chose to shiver instead.
"Look..." He lowered his body down so she could trot off his flank. "Miss... Miss—"
"Hooves." She explained, curtsying on little horse hooves. "Derpy Hooves, at your service."
"Wait..." Flash squinted at her.
"No relationship to the great pop singer Groovin' Hooves," she inexplicably explained.
"Who... is Groovin' Hooves?"
"Oh! You don't know him? Good!" She held a dainty hoof over her fuzzy muzzle as she giggled like a child. Squeaky. Innocent. "I really really hate it when my clients get on pins and needles around me."
"Your name is... Derpy?" Flash remarked. "Like... really? Truly? Actually?"
"Yes?" She tilted her head to one side and her eyes to another. "Why? Is something wrong with that?"
Flash bit his lip. He thought about a curious girl from Canterlot High. A silent pariah of goofy proportions—always at the focal point of one calamity or another. New students instantly hated her—but soon got used to her clumsy, silly mannerisms. For the most part, she was harmless... but also charismatic and amusing. Perfect mascot material. Still, it didn't stop freshmen and new exchange students from adopting a gloriously cruel nickname for the young woman.
"It's just that... I've always felt..." Flash winced. "I mean, the name 'Derpy' seems so... so... mean."
The mare shrugged. "Any meaner than 'Cranky?' Or 'Filthy?' Or 'Pipsqueak?'" She winked towards the walls. "This is an earth pony town, Mr. Bard. Not all names need to be fancy. We central Equestrians are an honest bunch."
"Yeah... y-yeah, I get that." Flash took a calming breath. "I, for one, always thought you were a sincere person. Just not very talkative. But here? You're super different."
"What do you mean..." Derpy leaned forward with curiosity. "I'm 'super different' here?"
Flash paled. "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh..." He brushed his bangs back, worrying over how naturally he was starting to shovel internal monologue onto the bowl of his tongue. "Guess I just had a case of... deja vu?" It was honest enough, or so he told himself.
Thankfully, Derpy was just as carefree and fun-loving as her googly-eyed human counterpart. "Works for me!" She filled the thrift store with more of her adorable giggles. "So, you wanna learn how to fly, huh?"
"Uhm... just a lesson or two," Flash asked. "If... that's not too much to ask."
"Nope! And you're never too old to learn! What are you, anyways? Thirty-three and a half?"
"Errrrrrr..."
"Aaaaaaaanywho, let's find a place with more feather room!" She trotted briskly for the door.
"Wait." Flash pivoted about, holding a hoof out. "I... I'm sorry to be a bitch about it, but... erm..." He smiled nervously. "I'm kind of low on bits. So... in exchange for a lesson or two... maybe I can... uhm... do something to clean up around here? Clear some of the dust off your store's shelves?"
"Nope!" She shook her head, eyes rattling. "That won't be necessary!"
"No?"
"I stopped charging clients for flying lessons months ago!"
"Really? How come?"
"I dunno. You'll have to ask them. Half are still recuperating in Ponyville Central!"
"Uhhhhh..."
"Right, then!" She grabbed a basket and rushed out the front door, knocking over a few plastic flamingoes and lawn chairs in her way. "Let's get to cloud huffing!"
"Wait..." Flash stumbled after her, pointing at the basket. "What are the muffins for?"
"Courage!" she beamed. "Or—if we get eviscerated by a tree branch—they make for great blood sponges! Could you lock the door behind us? Thankies! There's a good bard..."
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Oh there's a lovely thought right there.
Also, that parallel there to the Derpy of Flash's world. Minor feels were had. Teenagers can be so cruel.
You spoony Brad. You're going to need those muffins one way or another.
In any case, a very enjoyable instance of Best Pony. I just hope she isn't too rough with her new friend.
Currently putting this on read later, but How to Disappear is one of my all-time favorite songs, so I already feel obligated to read this.
I'm not a fan of Flash but this is nicely done. I'm actually starting to like Brad. (Makes appointment with shrink.)
Finally got around to reading this. Really digging it so far. Doesn't stray too far from the "human becomes pony stuck in Equestria" playbook, but your usually panache and flair make it very engaging.
At least she didn't call him Zetta.
7823822 Mmm. Pancakes.
Im stuck between,
Dont stop me now,
Wake me up before you go go,
Especially with the extra Wham.
So it was Derpy after all, this is going to be fun and by fun I mean painful; very, very painful for Flash.
I can already feel my confidence soaring
Please, oh dear god, keep up the musical references. I cannot wait to hear ponie's opinions of our melancholic number one hits compared to what seems like an overly positive media in ponyland. I would not be opposed to some Queen making their way into equestria
That's a great point. Imagine if all those characters had already appeared before Derpygate.
Bard, I like that, it's much better than Brad. More pony.
Why do you do this to me Skirts???
A man sits alone near the cafe window, his broad shoulders dwarfing the table in front of him. His stringy black hair cascades over his shoulders, almost hiding the scowl on his face. One muscular arm, covered in serpentine dragons, angry skulls, and tribal fire designs, lifts an espresso cup to his lips.
None of the tables adjacent to him are occupied. None of the other patrons are wearing leather pants, rusty chains, or black t-shirts with holes in them, either. His head bobs to a shredding guitar that nobody else could hear.
A young woman steals between the empty tables and draws up beside him, standing at his elbow as other patrons whisper to each other. Her waist is as narrow as his biceps are large, and her hair as light as his is black. She clasps her hands in front of her chest and taps her fingers together. "Uh, sir?"
He looks at her sideways, without moving his head.
"Sir, what is it you're having for breakfast?"
He sets down the tiny ceramic cup into its saucer, then turns his chair - the screeching wooden legs reverberating through the cozy coffee shop - and rests one hand on his knee. His other hand picks up half of a lemon poppy muffin. He makes eye contact with her, and holds it long enough that the throat clearing and rustling noises of a normal cafe begin to resume. Finally, his grip tightens on the muffin, causing it to bulge and dislodge a few crumbs. He answers her. "BLOOD SPONGES."
She slides into the chair across the cozy table from him and leans forward with a wide grin, resting her elbows on the table and looking at him with crossed eyes. "My favorite!"
Im still waiting for resident Princess to make a grand entrance
Or you could use the muffins for blood sponges and then eat them.
You know, I thought I was going to really dislike this story. Never have been a fan of Flash, so I held off reading this one for a good while. Yet I am very pleasantly surprised. This was great and I look forward to seeing more of Skirts take on a HiE ponification fic, it's been a refreshing take on the genre so far.
All that said, ouch, I bet Flash is going to wish he had waited to get lessons from Dash. While this 'verse's Derpy seems a bit more on the ball than others... I still predict much pain in Flash's future with these lessons.
7823442
If I was Flash, I'd be very concerned with just how Derpy knows they're good blood sponges
7826047 could you... perhaps... make a full story on that?
o.o *twitch* ..... *glassy eyes!* .... *rises from seat* ..... *PERFORMS THE SALUTE!!!* ...Hail Hydra!
7884539 *machine gun fire*
And that was Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture remix.
I am also not paying that guy's medical bill.
Very... um. Filler-ishy.
I like the happy. But um, these stories are realllyyy random. Haaaa.
omnom
Your story is expanding my music tastes...
This is very... very unsettling.
Last time there was a Bard he got impaled, so I dont' have high hopes.
8797397
Solid courage.
This Derpy is amazing.