• Published 12th Dec 2016
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How to Disappear Completely - shortskirtsandexplosions



Flash Sentry's world sucks. Maybe it's high time he left it.

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Sparkle

When finally... after much silence... Twilight Sparkle spoke again, it was with words that Flash Sentry had once fantasized about. Or—at least—a part of him once did.

"It's... it's all my fault, Flash..."

Only now... all it did was bring a sting of bitterness.

"I'm so very sorry..."

He ran a hoof over his face, looking towards the floor of the throneroom as he struggled to stay upright.

Her voice shook in all the right octaves, conveying the sincerity of her soulful confession. "I should have come back." She gulped. "I should have come back to see you." She gulped harder. "I... I thought about it so many times. But every time I did, I couldn't muster the strength." She looked up. Eyes glossy. Reflecting. On the brim of flowing. "But I never did."

He weathered himself for the breaths to come.

"I told myself that I was overthinking it all," she continued. "I told myself that there was nothing to worry about... nothing to fulfill... nothing to cultivate. I had gone there simply to preserve harmony and make friends... but nothing more. Nothing more." She sucked in her breath through her teeth, shaking her head. "I'm the Princess of Friendship! This... this is what I excel in! But even still I have problems! I still struggle! Even when I stopped being Celestia's student, I found newer and grander challenges to wrestle with! And... and I had my very own student to teach about friendship. And now she's moved on and even surpassed me in so many ways... and still I'm finding more about friendsihp to learn about and to discover and to process and... and... and I-I just don't know how to handle it all at times! Much less anything grander... anything more... more intimate. That's... that's Princess Cadance's realm of expertise but then if I actually cared about learning more about it like a good scholar I would have sat myself down and had a long talk with her but instead I... I..."

Silence.

"... ... ...I should have gone through the mirror to see you anyways," Twilight Sparkle murmured. "I should have sat you down and told you that... that I simply have no room in my life for something like... like what we a-almost had." She squeaked the words out, sacrificing delicate tact for blunt fact. "You helped me. You helped me when I needed it the most—when your world needed me the most. You deserved more. You still deserve more. And I... I-I just left you hanging. I assumed that you would forget about me or that you wouldn't care and I just... let it all linger." She sniffled, her tears finally releasing as her burden did, rolling to the floor in breathy waves. "I left you alone and dejected and suffering for truth. And now you've cr-crawled here to this world for relief from the pain and confusion and it's all my fault." She wiped her cheek dry—if only for a few seconds. "Thoughtful inaction is just as bad as impulsive action... but—in my case—it's infinitely more selfish, and I'm sorry, Flash. I'm sorry that... that I didn't have the courage to tell you to your face that it couldn't work between us."

At long last, it was over. Totally and completely.

Thus, Flash surprised even himself when—with perfectly dry eyes—he swiftly responded: "I'm glad that you didn't tell me, Twilight."

The throneroom teetered. That, or Twilight did. Either way, when the swaying was done, she stood in place with a gaping expression. "What...?" She sniffled, her tears still trickling. "Why... h-how could you possibly feel that way?"

At first, he was silent... as if wondering about that himself. The synapses fired belatedly, and he spilled the truth out as it started making sense in his mind. "When you first came into my life, I was still reeling from Sunset Shimmer. She had dominated my life in every faculty, ridiculing me and making me feel like shit whenever I so much as tried to think for myself. Sometimes I wonder how I found the strength to break up with her the way I did—to tell her to her face that the two of us were no longer an item—but I did. And I lost so much for doing that. I lost friends... I lost respect... I lost my social standing. Sure, I had freedom... but what did that matter in the long run? All the bridges in my life had been burnt. Instead of being some loser tied to the hip of a psychotic bully, I was now some lone loser drifting away into the shadows of the school hallways. I hadn't gotten used to being a pariah yet... and I was terrified... so friggn' terrified of being alone. And... and I wanted back in, Twilight. No—not with Sunset. But if things had gone the way I feared, then I would have found somebody else... somebody worse than her. I was... programmed into feeling like shit. I needed somebody to treat me shittily just so I could feel useful... and loved. Because that's all I knew. Even around my parents—it's all I've ever known. Guilt and shame and regret... a bitter circle forged unbreakable by the pretense of familiarity. I didn't believe in anything better... because I had nothing better."

Twilight's wince deepened, as if she knew where this was going.

And she was right.

"And then I met you, Twilight," Flash said, sporting the truest, gentlest smile he had produced in ages. His feathertips fluttered with perfect honesty, and for a moment he cherished the warmth in his own breath, a very strange thing. "And—without meaning to, without demanding anything—you shone so much innocence and harmony and joy in my life." The breath had passed, and he filled the void left by the smile with a serious deadpan. "And... And I-I'm not even remotely implying that you willfully flaunted anything in my face... or that you should be saddled with the burden of a young man's fancy. But..." A slow, melting sigh. "...for a blissfully brief moment in my life... I had met a princess... I had met a princess and I was in love with her. And she was so beautiful... so selfless... so courageous and virtuous and... and inspiring." A gulp. "You inspired me, Twilight. You still do. Being around you... knowing that I ever once made you smile... makes me believe that there's still good inside of me. That... not everything has been burnt to ashes from the days I frittered and wasted with Sunset and..."

All the warmth vanished. He breathed steadily, his wings coiling and his ears straight.

"...and then you vanished." A blink. "And you never came back. I had a glimpse of something beautiful... something to aspire to... and it was gone." Flash Sentry slowly shook his head, gazing into invisible stars beyond the crystalline framework of that chamber. "How could I ever settle for anything lesser? For anyone less pure... less amazing." He leaned back. "So..." A firm nod. "I didn't. I existed... I drifted... I diminished. But—as lonely and miserable as it may or may not have been—I'd take it any day over the shitmongrel I would have become if I hadn't met you... if I hadn't been given a glimpse of something dreamly... something otherworldly. I would have... mmmfff... I-I woulda rolled over for the very next she-demon who came my way and I'd be something way... way worse by now... something I would have truly... truly regretted. But... but I didn't stoop any lower. I caught myself... and as much as I may have drifted... I-I didn't drift downwards. I avoided the cesspool."

At long last, he looked at her. A smile had returned—not as strong as the one before—but earnest nonetheless.

"And now I've abandoned it altogether. Don't you see, Twilight? If it weren't for you, I would never have made this trip to begin with. I would never have found the strength to find a world—to find a life better than my own. I would never have drummed up the courage to ditch that life for good... just like I almost once struggled to ditch a crazy girlfriend for good."

"Flash..." Twilight's muzzle had twisted into a worried expression. "Is this really how it should come to pass, though?" She slowly shook her head. "With you disappearing completely from everyone you know and love?"

"I've yet to find everyone I know and love, Twilight," Flash said firmly. The smile broke briefly, but it came back in a courageous stroke. "Only now—I have the strength to admit it. And—yes—I am okay with disappearing. I've been okay with that for a long time."

"You're... certain of this?"

Flash's ear hairs twitched. Blown by an unseen wind. Like a gust of cold night air through an opening car window. "Yes," he produced... but it was scarcely audible.

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