• Member Since 14th Nov, 2016
  • offline last seen November 13th

Timelordderpy


Heya there Everypony

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After leaving the school late at night from helping out a friend Flash is walking home when he spots a homeless little kitty. And wanting to take the kitten with him and give the little kitty a home it quickly runs into a nearby alley. Thinking that the kitty didn't want his offer decides to continue on home. Until...

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 7 )

I really like what you're trying to do here. The plot is decent and I see potential. However, there needs to be more showing and not telling. It seems you're detail isn't fleshed out enough and is a bit bland and there is no dialogue variation. If I could recommend something, take a look at the Writers Group and their threads. They have some things there that can teach you how to improve writing.

Just keep practicing and you'll get better. I have faith in you. Good luck!

A little short, but not bad. My only concern is the scene with the cops. Could have done more with it. But hey, cool to see this story is continuing.

My advice, if you want to make the story better, practice the "show and not tell" element. I would also advise getting someone to proofread and edit, that way, it'll really amp up the story.

*EDIT* I just realized i was only re-stating my previous comment. Sorry about that.

**ANOTHER EDIT** If you want to get more views on this (which can lead to more comments and constructive criticisms) I recommend posting this in as many groups that fit this story. You post this in plenty groups, you'll be able to gain more of an audience and you can get more feedback for it. I want this story to succeed. Trust me on this, the more exposure you give this story, the more feedback you'll get.

8301216
Thanks and this is my first time doing a story like this so I wasn't that sure how to do the officer's part that well. But thanks for the advise.

It's a really interesting concept you have here and I'm looking forward to more. Also, i hope you don't mind some constructive criticism:

As i said the story is good but it feels reall bare bones. It's not because of the lenght of the chapter but what you have. For example I think that the whole loss of memory should not have been reveald by the doctor but find out after Flash awakens as it ads more drama to the seen and shows how everyone could be afected.

Also how they find out about the accident, well for the parents is ok but it needs more drama. For Sunset and oth her and Flash friends it could have been expanded a little more. They were in school, Sunset wonders were Flash is, ask his friends who don't know and maybe its reveal by Celestia to the school or only those closest to him.

8306011
Thanks that's really good advice

Hey guys so you're probably wondering why this is taking so long. Well don't worry I didn't give up on it. I'm just...drawing a blank on what should happen next. I'm sure I'll come up with something...eventually. Until then go check out my other stories.

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