Princess Luna takes a short visit to Ponyville and there meets a new alicorn in town. She invites him to Canterlot for a meeting with Princess Celestia, and finds herself falling in love.
(Note- This is my first story and I suck at grammar. Please forgive all grammatical and spelling errors. If you hate on me I will cry)
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Erm, hmm...interesting concept. How about making more of a paragraph form and not rushing it? That would really help your grammer I think.
Congratulations on writing everything this fandom despises while explaining none of what this is. I read five "chapters" in and am STILL confused. From what I can gather from your literal cluster-orgy of a story, there's a mysterious alicorn that shows up and Luna meets him and falls in love. Excuse me for a moment.
"If you hate on me I will cry"
THEN CRY ME A GODDAM RIVER.
While spelling and grammar forgiven. That sure as shit doesn't excuse the story. Not only is it the "mysterious alicorn in forest" cliché that everyone hates, it's about Princess Luna falling in love with said Alicorn in 3k words that really brings my piss to a boil. Scrap this story before someone less forgiving comes along. And trust me, I'm tame compared to what's going to come.
And while we're on this subject. Do you read anything? I mean seriously. Sci-fi. Alternate History. Mystery. Do you read any books?
BECAUSE PONY FAN FICTION IS FILED UNDER LITERATURE. This reads like a crap essay from a seventh grader. And speaking as a part of a whole writing community: WE DON'T ACCEPT THAT. Writing fan-fiction, especially good fan-fiction takes dedication, research, and diligence. This has none of that. This reeks of shoddy slap-dashery. And as a reviewer and fellow author, even if this is your first time, I WILL CHASTISE YOUR FOR IT. There is absolutely no excuse for this! And if you're writing for the general public to read, you need to check it for grammar, check it for smoothness, the way it sounds in your head, the way it sound when you're reading this aloud. This is what you need to check for. This, this, is just drivel. I'm not blaming you for it, I'm just chastising you for it. Either scrap this, or over-haul this.
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977155
Hey. I am a 7th grader. And I write better than this.
No offense, of course. After reading loads of writing worse than this, I remain neutral. It's an okay concept. (One I've seen around much, though) it just needs more than 200 word paragraphs. Try to lengthen them to at least 900 each. Us readers don't enjoy reading three paragraphs and then having to change pages.
On that note, try to expand on certain details like when Twilight found him in the forest.
In all, I remain undecided and hope that you do some editing. The reason why I don't post all chapters at once, is that by posting each individual chapter, you can take the advice of others and put it into motion without going backwards to revise the whole thing.
And now I, Shay, shall flutter away to other stories.
PS. After all that seriousness, let's have some smilies.
If you hate on me I will cry
...
You heard 'em men, SHOW NO MERCY
977155 Hey, in fifth grade I wrote better than this. I agree with you on most parts (despite your one grammar mistake) but A. This does not take much research other than watching the show, something that he should have done. B. Blame him for this, go right ahead. Not blaming him is... heresy. C. Okay, to be honest, I don't find the alicorn thing a bad idea if it is executed well.
Hey, author! TheFluttershy1234! Look over here.
First off, write this in word, openoffice or googledocs. That will relive you of some of your spelling errors. Did you see what I did there with relive? Its called mocking. If you cant tell, I'm telling you that its spelled relieve.
Second, go into more detail. Act as if we are children and explain everything. If you find that you are using an adjective, noun, preposition, verb or adverb a lot, use a thesaurus to find ones that mean the exact same thing, but present it in a more educated manor.
Third, build the characters more. If you want an idea, look at Cerulean1313's stories. Granted, the characters are not like yours but he took time building the relationship and the characters. The damn character had a backstory!
Now onto my personal remarks. There is no creativity in your username, I would change it. Put a bit of yourself into this, don't just get a random character's name and put 1234 at the end of it. Its called a profile because its yours and it is supposed to be an online you (remain anonymous though.) Don't use the first story thing as an excuse, it doesn't work. I think you actually get more hate that way. Lastly, put some passion into your work. Write about something you love. Okay, so you wrote about ponies and love and you love both of those. That's not what I meant. I cant explain it to you because I feel its something every writer needs to find for themself. I know I was mean, but I hope you read all of this and take it to heart. I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to help.
I'm giving this a like. Counteract all of the haters. I loved the story. I think that additional commas would prove invaluable to your already wonderful story. And I enjoy the small-chapter format, it's much more enjoyable then the 40,000 word chapters that every time I walk away from I have to find my freaking place again. Plus I can read this at work, 'cuz it's quick!
Keep writing, please!
^Moustaches for you, sir.
Ha, I bet the alicorn is related to Scoots
977155
lighten up. what the hell is your problem
977875 That's Mr Ignorable. Eeyup.
977155
Bronies are about love & tolerance and you sir have no tolerance. if you don't like the story don't leave a five paragraph hate comment. you should simply dislike, leave the story and move on. maybe you could provide a little POSITIVE criticism and help him/her grow as a writer, intstead of crushing his/her spirit. you could've ruined the entire FimFiction experience for him/her.
Nice story! But please don't rush next time
This reminds me of MLP from the 80's... I can't tell the difference between characters... They all act the same. Because honestly, I doubt Luna would fall for a random pony she barely knows thanks to a out of nowhere kiss... The first thing I would do as Luna is smack him if he kissed me like that.
.....
What.. did I just read with that b-back story....
this went by way to fast and the ending was all wrong but the storyline is great and i love the idea of it i would have spread it out more
awsome story don't stop
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Thanks to all the people who liked my storys. Everyone who hated it FUCK OFF THIS IS MY FIRST STORY!!
977155 I put that there so you would feel bad for hating on me. If you feel no remorse for hate then why do you like a show about FRIENDSHIP! Just curious. Or you are a total hater and only joined to hate.
977512 Thanks so much. I wrote it in word. But now I know word dosen't do crap. I changed my stuff. Hope u like
978023 to be fair, I also left a longer hate message, but its also about delivery. See, I directed most of my criticisms at ignorable so less people would notice what I was really attacking. If you think he's an asshole, then I'm a bigger asshole that's smarter about it. I guess I did leave some constructive criticism
994194 I noticed, it has improved considerably. Just fixing the errors isn't the only thing. Remember elaboration, it adds more meat to the story. This deserves a thumb, but to get a favorite from me you have to describe more.
I'm trying to figure out why I keep coming back to this story. It reminds me of my first story I guess. Fanatic, sorry to say this but if you're like me then your second story is going to be crap, a lot will hate on it (and you to an extent) but you will write an amazing story after and you will find how you write best and love writing even more (people will also stop hating as much and your writing will get more popular). Also read a lot of different, well written fics. Some I may suggest is
1 Crystal Dreams by rainbow-leaves (and all sequels)
2 Tears in the Snow by Cerulean1313
3 Three of Me by Killjoy
4 Green Ember by the F8ful 1
Yeah, I know #4 is mine, but it is a good example of how much a writer can develop. If your wondering what I mean then read my fic Negative. Its a piece of crap but it was only written about 2-3 weeks apart from Green Ember but it was almost like a completely different person wrote it.
996935 i left you alone because you left at least a little constructive critisism, mr ignorable clearly needed to he dealt with. 994148 nice comeback your comment made ne laugh.
MEGATRON dislike dialoge is kinda bad
978023 and here we go! Mr. I. has tolerance. There's a difference between tolerating a person, and tolerating that person's actions (or stories). MLP is all about the first, therefore Mr. I. is free to give his opinion on a story.