• Member Since 13th Nov, 2016
  • offline last seen 39 minutes ago

General Sparky


Hi, I am a brony from Singapore, I will read and write any fanfiction that is related to the military and ponies.

T
Source

I am a changeling, unlike other changeling, I was born with a purple mane, tail and wings. However, ever since the Canterlot Invasion, I was forced to flee the changeling hive with my friend Thorax. With Thorax, We went to a place call Ponyville, where hopefully we will be accepted for who we are. Follow me, as I go through the challenges ahead of me and discovers some of Equestria's dark past.
Note: This is an OC story
This is set before season 6 finale. Any continuity errors will be accepted as part of an alternate Universe.
The cover art is used without permission, it will be removed if requested.

Chapters (17)
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Comments ( 117 )

Nice story, I hope the like/dislike feed goes better than with the other stories

interesting concept

OK this jumps around a lot, but I think it only feels like that because the writing between jumps is so short, it could use a bit of description so it's not all dialogue. Like when it starts I'd like some sort of description of Sparky, what she looks like, possibly how old she is, her personality and place in the hive, some basic stuff to let us get to know her. You know something to show us who she is now and possibly to use for contrast as to who she will become.
Then it needs more stuff inbetween dialogue to give the dialogue more weight, set up scenes more, give characters like the generals more character. I think it would be nice to see a bit of the generals leaving, they don't feel quite distinct to me at the moment and I think that would be a good way to start. It would be bad to star text-walling with descriptions but I feel like this needs more stuff describing the world you're showing us outside of the dialogue.

Lastly it could use one or two "Sparky said" and "General Killer said" kinda lines if there hasn't been one for a couple lines of dialogue so it's easy to keep track of who is talking. particularly at places like: " "I shall gladly accept the position. Thank you, My Queen." " as it's easy to miss who's talking there what with the break in continuity mid conversation.

8479025
Yea I got to agree, the transitions feel jarring. Also I agree that the fact this is just dialogue is a sever weakness, it's a pretty common issue actually. What do locations and characters look like? When a character talks do they have expressions on their faces? What about body language? Dialogue is only one half of the story.

I'm still not sure how the story is supposed to work, because I started to think that Sparky is supposed to be Twilight here.
Is she Twilight in a way, or is she a Changeling that slightly looks like her and might be as intelligent as her?
No matter what it is, I hope she gets to stay black.

I liked the chapter however, but I hope most of the story continues without those timeskips, it just gives me a different feeling while reading.

Well, this is interesting. Eager to see how it goes

'Guards, stop Sparky at all cost, he is a traitor.' Killer said through the hive mind while rushing up the stairs to catch Sparky.

do you see sparky as an he/she or it here?

4. I changed the tag 'Twilight Sparkle' to 'Clover the clever' because I feel that will make the story more interesting.

Not sure, I have seen it used in a bad way and in an interessting way till now.

8489541
Sparky is a Girl but almost every changeling see her as a boy

It's okay, take your time. It also pleases me to see how a sucess this story is for you

invites them home and makes them muffins

8483576
The cover art is more the most fitting cover art then a truely fitting cover art

If you break a Pinkie Promise it means that Pinkie comes after you, so if you break a muffin promise does that mean muffins come after you? :pinkiecrazy:

(Interpreted from the badges and tags on the armor): Derpy Hooves, 2nd lieutenant, 1st Equestrian Guard.
Badges: Jungle Survival Course, Weapon handling Specialist, Dogfighter Specialist
Special Badges: Sharpshooter, Physical fitness (Gold) Badge

it is okay but a strange thought at first.

It is really not first, I just prefer the motherly and clumsy derpy, everytime I see her as some kind of ultimate warrior I have a strange first reaction.

Dinky! My favorite background filly!:yay:

Derpy is a royal guard!? You have my attention! :pinkiegasp:

A interesting thought to have Derby in the Royal Guards. And dinky is Really adorable here!

Leaving two rogue Changelings alone while Derpy is dropping out Dinky at school & at work? That can't end well.

8605556
Thanks! :)

8605862
Sparky and Thorax are different than other changelings so..... maybe it could end well for them. Wait for the next chapter to find out

8605969
I still smell a disaster waiting to happen

Derpy looks nice in armor, what's with the eye patch? And Thorax can be glad his attempt didn't backfired.

8624420
It is to cover her misaligned eye so as to look more commanding In battle. After all, if your commander has misaligned eyes, it may decrease troops' morale or worst.
Thorax first attempt? Actually most of the love collecting is done by Sparky. And later gives most of the energy to Thorax.

8624444
I seem makes sense. Dinky can be proud of her mother

I'm I the only one noticing that the 3 Generals are absolutely incompetent? They sound confident that an unarmed military invasion would be a good idea, which is the worst idea a general could have.

Derpy looks so badass in her armor! I can't wait to find out about her past!

8624514
The generals are incompetent for a reason.

8625514
Don't worry, Derpy's past will be interesting.So look forward to it sometime in the future! :)

Clover looks very nice! About Derpy's parents, that's just irresponsible! But Derpy makes a way better parent to Dinky than her parents.

8638826
Derpy's parents don't want take care of a misaligned eyes Pegasus. (Also that is my theory about Derpy's parents since the show really did not explain it)

8638832
I see, still, Derpy is a Good Mother to dinky, isn't she?

8638871
Yep, Derpy is still a good mother to dinky. It is one of the reasons why she joined the royal guard

8638895
I See, a Good idea. Wonder how the Father is, i personally like the idea that doctor hooves is dinky's Father

Derpy's "parents" deserve to shot, cut, then hung on a rope! :flutterrage:

8638898
The father in this story is sadly NOT doctor hooves, it another Pony who died in the call of duty

8640118
That's fine, it's Another well known Theory that dinky's Father died before she was born

8639210
Don't worry, they will be punished for their actions.

8640351
They better, people (or in this case ponies) like them don't deserve jail time, just a good old fashion Texas death! :flutterrage:

Oh my, things are getting more interesting from here

Nice work! Also nice to see a menioning of rommel

a grate chapter added to a grate story.
i am wondering about.

Two dragons the size of mouse entered the room and slept on top of Sparky and Thorax respectively.

some how this is going to play in two the story big time.

8828226
Definitely
8829941
You'll see some 'interesting scenes' in the next chapter
8828297
In this story, Rommel is an actual pony, so look forward to see him

Nice! Is this mouse supposed ro be a reference to the mouse tank?

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