tailsopony
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I can see why it's not a story you care strongly for. From the reader perspective it's just some evil guy in a vaguely evil future murdering a bunch of probably evil council members. What's it a prequel to?
Also, caught this
I assume that's a typo.
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Absolutely a typo. What boggles my mind is that this has such a good ratio compared to other things I've put out. I've put out other not nearly as bad things, in quality and content, and gotten much worse vote ratios. Like almost 50/50 for the first few days. This is two days old, and has a 70/30 split. WTF?
*Edited the typo to a different F word. Hurray for words!
It's a prequel to something I'm still writing. It's super long, and I want to make it coherent before I release it, so it's still on lockdown till I can ensure coherency. Once it's done, I'll start releasing the chapters one by one. It's the kind of story where you write the end, then the beginning, then fill the insides, then get a better idea for the end, then have to change the beginning, and well... Yeah. I have another prequel story, but the character it's about is less terrible and needs a less terrible story to live in. So I'll either do that one carefully or not at all.
The other part of this is that I could have really spent a bunch of time fleshing out the character instead of info-dumping in the first chapter. It would be easy to give the backstories for all the council members as well. Instead I have his whole history in about 2k words. That's not enough! And because it's so short, it's bizarrely inaccurate/vague. This whole thing is so weird for me. But I'm making it a real steady word count, whether I want to or not. That's the only victory I have so far for it.
Thanks for the comment! I appreciate the feedback! Especially since it's helpful! Yay!
Finally got round to reading this story and I'm glad at this, because your work is always fantastic.
First off, I love the world-building, and your world-building in general. I think porn should go for minimalist or maximalist - no real story whatsoever, or something rich enough to support the various conceits. This story is full-blown grimdark, but it feels like a lurid account of Ancient Roman atrocities rather than the cheap stage-sets of a nineties porno VHS. It doesn't feel the need to descend into farce or trollfic, and that's... not a common thing in grimdark smut.
Shades of 'City of God' and 'A Boy And His Dog' in Frieden's backstory. Sets the tone very goodly.
You're one of the few fanfic writers I see who knows what evocative and effective writing is. I've seen dozens of well-intended clowns give advice on the topic and it usually becomes 'add more words' in one way or another, whether it's describing one aspect of a sensation in lots of detail, or describing one thing in terms of many sensations. You, on the other hand, go:
You don't need reams of description, you just choose two words that evoke a horrific image. I shuddered, and not in the fun way. Terrific.
You established him as completely unstoppable with seemingly infinite power that was apparent available to every pony all this time. What's a power base even necessary for?
I'm not sure it can really get darker. At this stage it would just be adding variety or quantity to the evil deeds.
Gore and death do nothing for me in smut terms, and though I find misery erotic, I personally prefer bitter anger and indignity to all-hope-extinguished despair. That being said, in terms of gratuitous ultraviolence, you craft fine work. It never feels forced (ha!) or unimaginative, and you draw up the connection both implicitly and explicitly (ha! again) between Frieden's blood-lust and his lust-lust. There is actual connection between character, action, and story. Even though the brutality here is over-the-top, it feels more like Kid Miracleman or a nasty bit of Harlan Ellison than the The Aristocrats!-level parade of depravity in say, a headless_rainbow murderfic.
First rape scene is nice, especially the quiet sobbing, the crippled hoof, and:
unf. cock as a clear instrument of straight-up torture, delicious.
Fuck yes that's hot. Made particularly hot because:
1. She's being forced to fellate him in front of her co-councillors.
2. The atmosphere of terror of everyone watching.
3. The way she has utterly accepted her role as slave.
Lots more action in this chapter. It's basically a well-executed (ha!) slasher/horror film at this stage, where you know that the characters are all going to suffer and most will die, and what keeps you watching through your fingers is the hows and ways of it. It's like a Conan the Barbarian story with a spell-slinging Jason Voorhees as the unsympathetic protagonist.
I like how even though there's lots of interiority and a big sad backstory for Frieden, he remains deeply unsympathetic. His actions aren't saved for those 'a little bit worse than him.' The story doesn't have its cake and eat it by making it just-so that everyone Frieden tortures and murders is irredeemably bad. It's not put across as 'righteous revenge,' and I respect that.
ALSO!
Keep doing this, and not giving a shit about the quality. Just churn stuff right out, and after you've done a few hundred thousand words of that, you'll realize that the quality of your work has nothing to do with how much of a fuck you gave about it. It'll be an interplanetary leap in terms of your overall writing pace once you beat out the 'good writing must be slow' mindset.
Older mare forced to clean up while Frieden fucks the younger mare = fuck yes. Made better by her actual activity - she's licking his balls, doing nothing essential to the actual act of his orgasm, and is blocked from his view. She has already been degraded into sexual slavery, and now she's less than that. She's not eye candy, she's not getting him off, she's merely providing him a small amount of additional pleasure and comfort while a different mare does the work. Slavery took away her work, position, and accomplishments, and this new act shows that she's not even truly required for the act of pleasing her master.
The battle royale stuff is horrifying, so... good job?
I feel like you've read Fallout Equestria.
I love the guy being degraded, and I like the 'magical eunuch' conceit of directly stealing his sexual energy.
...So, gore and death don't send me running, but I prefer porn without them as I've mentioned, and I do find they actively subtract from the shallwesay boner-power of the smut, and parts that I'd find a huge turn-on are much less so if they're too closely integrated with death. Other stuff, like outright scat forinstance, will actively send me running by comparison. We'd call it 'squick' in the bad old days. Gore and death on the other hand are more like... bleh.
Unlubricated anal sex is a total 'bleh' for me. At best it feels uncomfortable for the guy giving it, and at worst it actively hurts. It doesn't feel tighter, just... rougher. Like you sprinkled sand into a condom, slipped it over yourself, and started screwing away with it. Even ass-to-mouth is better, fetish-wise, when there's more lube, because it's the gross lube rather than actual shit. Ass to mouth is like andouillette, in that it should only taste a little bit shitty, not too much.
i'm a disgusting human, i apologize
Good world-building in terms of asshole grandma, the aristocratic bloodline stuff, and Haftling's increasingly developed slave mentality to her 'god.'
Love the stasis thing, but in a sense that I can't wait to see it be used for even more depraved stuff. Not sure if I should suggest things for it or not.
This story disgusts you and you see it as beneath you, but you can't stop yourself from being a good writer, and no matter how crap you think it is, you can't stop this from being a well-executed death-and-pornfic.
I'd definitely like to see it continued, though as I've mentioned, I'm far more of a fan of the sexual violence than the violence violence.
It's weird; this story's triggers are things that I normally try to avoid... yet I've read through everything so far, probably because it's not super graphically written (yet, at least). Whatever the reason, keep it up!
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Ehh... He's just early in his power curve right now. Eventually he'll figure out his limits and decide/discover exactly how powerful/immortal he may or may not be. But for the moment, he feels like he's on top of the world and he's gonna bring it crashing down. His power isn't something others have, at least not yet. He'll get into that soon.
Short spoiler, it's usually an earth pony only thing, and without ridiculous studying, it's not very useful. Also, earth ponies have been doing it for ages, unconsciously usually. Things like pawing at the dirt near their farm. It usually requires earth pony hooves, which is why he needs to use his hooves for permanent runes. There may have been a few who figured it out, but they never thought to summon a demon with it. Which is sort of what happened. Instead of a demonic possession, he got a Sombranic possession. The possession/gift allows him to use Sombra's magic to "cheat" and make temporary runes very rapidly. This is how he fucks up unicorn magic and creates runes that aren't on surfaces. On top of that, he's got Sombras unicorn magic and an enhanced earth pony build. He's nasty, and nobody knows how to deal with him yet, but he's gonna get his shit pushed if he goes head to head with a real Apotheosis. Even an earth pony who knows just enough to disrupt magic and fuck up his runes could be a problem if he was caught unaware.
But he hasn't figured out too much of this yet. He's just having fun killing ponies and making a mess right now. Maybe that has something to with being possessed by an evil tyrant? Or maybe that's just the kind of asshole he is! Yay!
The Power base is because he doesn't feel like he can control the entire country by himself. He's gonna need ponies to carry orders and ensure things get done when he's not there. He knows this from his experience as a gang boss, even if he might actually be wrong. Even a tyrant has generals and officials.
I guess dark is up to the reader. I'm not pushing for darker, I just felt like Haftling's little last paragraph was maybe just a touch more twisted than things had been yet. Maybe it was the dancing corpse of her nemesis that she'd finally killed snapping its leg while she shivered on the floor confused and scared that she was enjoying being raped and adding to the madness. And in the back of her mind, she's still thinking about her family throughout this experience. But we don't get to see inside her head much, so maybe not. Okay, writing that out makes it read kind of weird. Wow. I'm actually sorry if you're still reading this story. WTF is happening here?
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Holy shit man. I can't respond to all of these! But I did read them! Thanks for the encouragement, and glad to hear your thoughts. I always like reading your fucked up stories!
The stasis thing is actually almost stolen from a really bizarre story I read on literotica. It had a OP guy who could trap time in little loops, and kept people as pieces of erotic art. It was poorly written, but I couldn't stop reading it because the concept was both novel and incredibly entertaining. I really want to write a pony version of it at some point, but I don't remember what the story was or how to find it again, and I don't want to straight rip the premise without linking the story. So I've got this little thing here as sort of an homage to it. He'll hit more ponies with it, guarantee. Some of them will be more and less cruel than what happened to Morgentau, and Morgentau might not stay like that forever. We'll see.
It's also interesting to see what you like and don't like about it. I was kind of surprised actually!
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I don't know why your still reading it. I'm not! I'm just writing it. It's a mystery!
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I'd love to see Morgentau used as target practice for facials, especially with her frozen-open eyes, so that the first thing that happens when she 'wakes' is that she blinks stinging, burning jizz from her eyes and gags on salty, soapy jizz...
I thought the spit-play in this chapter was the perfect amount of degrading without going into 'blehh' territory - usually that point for me is when the amount of spit figuratively outweighs the degradation it enacts on the victim, and it becomes more about the spit than the humiliation of it. The 'guided blowjob' was great, I love his harassment of the widow, and licking up cum-vomit is one of my major fetish buttons - if you gave that bit some detail in the next chapter, well, I wouldn't complain.
Probably my fave chapter so far, tho that might be because of the relative lack of murder.
He left two of the city's best wizards to their own devices for an hour with the intention of having them find non-crippled victims, and they STILL couldn't figure out how to remove his magic from them and flee the city?
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Sorry. I ended the lack of murder spree. Also, probably messed up TWO of your requests. Oops.
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Now answered in the next story chapter! As for why he's stupid, Also see: Rush of power coupled with underestimating everybody because life's been so easy since the demon started helping! Yay! But maybe things aren't gonna keep going so easy. Please keep asking questions, they're great for filling plotholes that I miss. The path on this one isn't set at all. He just needs to have a certain ending to tie in with he next, actually not terrible hopefully, story!
He can apply the runes that end fights so fast no one can react, and whatever they use took so long that even completely unaware he has time to turn and disable his attacker. It's just impossible to take the idea that he has any vulnerability seriously when things like that happen; he'll only lose when the narrative calls for it, if that ever happens.
My guess is Sombra possesses him by the end or he becomes him. Haven't seen any clues that it will end that way, but that's my guess.
You outdid yourself. The fetish bits in this chapter rocked, and the attention to detail for the puddle cleanup was delightful
Steampunk/dungeonpunk gun stuff is cool, worldbuilding continues to tick along very nicely indeed.
Love the degrading aspect of Haftling being whored out, to an old rival no less! The humiliation of being made to orgasm via hornplay while a member of the lower classes fills her with cum is delightful.
One thing to note that I see you do a lot, and i'm envious of your creativity in this area: spiritual degradation. It crops up in your stories again and again, this time where Haftling isn't just having her body and mind abused by her rapist, but he's leaving a mark on her magic itself.
It's very... like, the stuff I do is simple, y'know? I like things that are degrading, painful, downright unhygienic, but most of the despair and degradation in my stories relies entirely on the victim finding these things to be past their limits. The emotional component of my fics wouldn't work if, say, the unlucky mare or stallion was a masochist, or actually had a thing for watersports.
You, I think, focus on the nature of the limits themselves, whether it's Rainbow Dash forced to choose between her urge to resist and the health of her wings, or Donnerkopf first enduring a horrific loss before having to willingly sexually service the monster who caused it, or Fluttershy hating her own weak boundaries as they lead her further into unpleasant situations but unable to stop herself, or Twilight being conditioned to displace her near-religious reverence for Celestia onto her captor. I mean, I like to think I have some skill for descriptions, but I feel that your work takes a level of creativity that far surpasses even my most loving description of Rarity licking smegma off a veiny human dick.
You really should search for all the uses of "hand" and "arm" in this and replace appropriately, there's currently at least three of them and they really screw with imagining the scenes.
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Arms is maybe OK, though most people would expect leg, but hands certainly makes no sense.
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Can't find it. Looked. Found chandelier though. That has "Hand" in it. Searched every chapter. "Arm" is intentional as show ponies use their forelegs as arms all the time and foreleg is such an awkward word. Then I have to use aftleg and wtf is an aftleg? I guess it could be backleg. I dunno. I'm gonna stick with "Arm" for forelegs and "leg" for back legs, as it feels appropriate. I got all excited when I read this too! Here I was hoping I could fix things...
This story is going to get a major overhaul once it's done, but I'm trying to finish/work on other things before I worry about this again. I started writing this when I was angry at the world for something, and it's basically just really poorly written psychic vomit. I'll clean it up later and make it more violent and more smexy, but I'm gonna wait till something shitty happens to me again. (Spoiler, it will.) I had a medical scare that could have lead to death, but was really just nothing. During the waiting period, this was one of the things I did to burn my anger, and after I was just too exhausted to care. But everything is okay now!
Sucks being old. lol.
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The convention I'm used to is that leg has some ambiguity, but it doesn't matter because they're normally on all 4 and can thus use any of them when it doesn't have to be a foreleg.
Also, in T Minus: "The crippled old goat took his offer, and Frieden handed his gang off to his second in command." Most would use hoofed it, it's a bit arguable.
Hey just found this story and hope that you'll continue this someday. But damn is this hot!
My favourite part of this would be the humiliation and degradation of Fernost. Damn, his breaking was hot! I especially liked the fact that the villanious pov was an older stallion fucking a fitter, younger stallion.
Would have loved to see more, maybe his plans with the pegasi would have him encounter a stallion reminiscent of Commander Hurricance who he would have broke.
Still I'm curious do you ever think of continuing this or the sequel which this serves as a prequel for?
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Good Sir, would making silly faces and post mean comments on your userpage, make you angry enough to continue this? Currently, I'm prepared to say anything to help get you "in the mood".