• Member Since 22nd Nov, 2016
  • offline last seen Aug 29th, 2019

MailleMaker


T
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An accident involving the CMC, Rainbow Dash's strange behavior, a mysterious pony. Questions have arisen. There's only one pony who can answer every single one; but is she willing to?

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 78 )

This is your first fiction, you say? Not bad. Not bad at all. I'll be sure to watch it so I can see where it goes.

I can't wait for more!:pinkiehappy:

Okay that was good start, either for your first story than for that story.

However, there are some things I think you need to improve.

First of all, it's a bit rushed. You give the basic informations to settle your story but that's not enough. Take time to describe (characters, surroundings etc).
Secondly, it's Rainbow Dash we're talking about here. The Element of Loyalty. Betraying a promess isn't a small thing for her but she didn't seemed that affected by what happens. Don't get me wrong, you said that she is sad and everything but, like I said in my first comment, it needs to be extended. You need to tell us how she feels inside after being responsible for Scootaloo's coma.
Now, let's talk about that extract:

Thinking back on the day previous, she did recall that she had promised Scootaloo to take the CMC skydiving. She had completely forgotten after finding a letter in her mailbox.

———The Previous Day———

"Mail? Weird, I never get mail." Rainbow Dash thought to herself after finding a single letter in a Manila envelope in her mailbox. "I wonder who it's from." After thoroughly searching the envelope for any sign of an address and finding none, she ripped it open and began reading the letter inside.

Rainbow Dash,

Hello Dashie, remember me? If I recall correctly, today is exactly ten years ago from when we first met. You were still a school filly then I believe; a year away from graduating. Do you remember me? Orange coat, dark purple mane? I believe you do. I was just writing to say, Happy Tenth Anniversary.

From, Your Nameless Lover

After receiving that letter, her sense of time had gone out the window with all her pacing and trying to figure out what HE wanted and she had completely forgotten about her promise to the CMC.

———Back to the Present———

I suggest that you rewrite that part because there a few minor problems that, when you add them, make it poor.
Don't try to cut your story with 'The previous day' and 'Back to the Present' because it breaks the suspension of disbelief, especially when used for such a short flashback.
Moreover, you don't give us enough clues why that letter had made Rainbow Dash forget about the CMC. Does she know him? What was their kind of relationship? If not, is she scared, curious, stunned?

Finally, I hope I didn't sound too harsh. I will repeat myself, it's a good start and I hope that all this criticism (partly subjective) will help you.
Still upvoted.

Good start, an interesting take on this idea, I hope to see more soon.

Comment posted by MailleMaker deleted Nov 23rd, 2016

Intresting concept, however I feel like it's a bit rushed which makes hard to get in to the story, so mabye if you put more details and make it less rusched, this will end up good.

Comment posted by MailleMaker deleted Nov 26th, 2016

AHHHHHHHHHHHH, I HATE CLIFFHANGERS :flutterrage:!

Anyway, good chapter.

Good scootadopt stories are rare, I think this can be one.

But .... If Twilight know a spell able to wake Scoot. I'm surprised the hospital staff did not use it yet.
I'm sure a spell this important would be taught in every medicine school in Equestria, wouldn't it ?

Comment posted by MailleMaker deleted Nov 26th, 2016

Nice chapter but when Rainbow tells Twilight that scoots is in a coma you put Twilight saying "that's terribly" shouldn't it be "terrible"? Oh and I thought Twilight already knew scoots was in coma because she told rainbow that in the first Chapter or was Rainbow just telling Twi scoots was still currently in a coma? That's all I'm wondering other than that this story rock!!!!:yay::rainbowdetermined2: I can't wait to see more!!! :raritystarry:

Comment posted by MailleMaker deleted Nov 26th, 2016

Nice chapter, I'm really curious to see where you go with this.

7745572 Perhaps, but at the same time there could be potential risks involved. I'm no medical professional, but I doubt that forcefully waking someone up from any sort of coma is very healthy. There could be any number of medical issues that would arise afterward. In this case, I think everypony's just trying to play it safe for the moment, and not do anything too drastic that might end up hurting Scootaloo more than actually help her.

Comment posted by MailleMaker deleted Nov 26th, 2016

Question for the author: Why are you deleting your own comments?

Can you see them? I'm rather unsure whether or not they get posted to public because no one ever responded to them.

I'll comment for the last two chapters.

It goes on somehow, and it is taking a nice direction. I'll wait for the next chapters.

And I saw that you have rewritten that part in the first chapter. I think it's way better like this. You don't jump to another period of time and you give some clues about who is this stallion who have written to Rainbow Dash.

However you really, really need to re-read your work. I have found many typos and some errors. I've listed some.

Chapter 2

"Darling, don't worry, we've all messed up before." Said Rarity There have been times

Better like this:
"Darling, don't worry, we've all messed up before" said Rarity. "There have been times

"Twilight!" she yelled, startling the lavender pony.

"Oh Rainbow Dash, you startled me,"

Try to avoid repetition.

"That's terribly, I thought she would have already woken up,"

That's terrible.

"Wait a second, I thinhave a spell that might wake her up."

I think I have

but can we get going? the sooner the better,

Need a capital T

" I agree that you should do what's safe, but can you do it faster?"

No need for a space between " and I, and there is a double space between what's and safe


Chapter 3

This just keeps getting more and more strange

Stranger and stranger

our journey to the Changling hive

Changeling

"Scootaloo, Scootaloo! why aren't you waking" up

The " is misplaced and it lacks a question mark.


I strongly suggest you read this guide. With it, you'll be able to avoid many mistakes.

OOOOH shit. I got red flags flying all over the place!! My Gimpy senses are telling me this Skeeter guy is up to no good.

i like it and i have a bad feeling that when Raindow Dash and Skeeter talk it isn't going to be a nice at all

Seriously... you're ending it on another cliffhanger :ajbemused:?

7771319
Yep. Another cliffhanger until next chapter.

Okay, didn't explain it to be this soon... well, this should be interesting, and awkward.... interkward... anyway.

7773810
If it was the chapter you weren't expecting that's easy: I had free time. If it's Skeeter's appearance, the real fun begins in the next chapter.

7773833 Actually a little bit of both, I have a fanfic with a similar concept and I didn't bring the father in until the sequel, oh well, just a thought, two different fics, different ways of doing things.

7773844
Hey, hey, hey, who said anything about a father? So far Skeeter's only Dash's "friend".

7773908 Oh... umm... sorry, I just assumed... :facehoof: My bad.

7773912
Mhm, totally forgot. We'll just have to see what happens in the next few chapters won't we?:raritywink:

7773929 Sorry, my genre savyness sometimes backfires on me, but yeah.

7773938
Nah, you're fine. I'm actually trying not to rush it, but I'm slowly losing steam as I'm hit with new story material everyday. After I finish "My Mother", I may just do shorter stories.

7773954 Totally understandable.

With this kinda fic I think the first story (or at least the first part of it) should focus on the relationship between Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo and how the reveal that they're related changes their dynamic, anything else like the father is secondary.

7773967
I may end up doing a pre-qual, even if it is short, of RD and Scootaloo's relationship like you said. It's just a little late in the story to do a deep seated relationship chapter

7773975 Makes sense.

Which reminds me I need to work on the sequel to my fic...

7773977
What's your first one called? I may get around to reading it.

7773983
Gotchya. Thanks for letting me know, I'll look at it as soon as possibly. Not sure what time zone you live in, but I've got to go in mine. Be on the look out for the next chapter.

Well obviously I figured it out... you weren't really that subtle about it.

Good chapter though.

7776423
Thanks. I knew you had figured it out already, just wasn't sure how many other people had.

7776444 Of course, here's hoping no one saw my comments about it :twilightoops:.

Really sorry about that, for some reason I thought it was either stated or obvious enough :twilightsheepish:.

7776448
Nah, you're fine. I should be wrapping the whole thing up in the next chapter or two. Now to go brainstorm...

MORE SOON PLEASE!! THIS IS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!

where is the next chapter

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