Good god.....

7762903 Glad you're so intrigued, hope you enjoy it whenever you get around to reading.

7768577 Glad to know you're intrigued, and I can assure you this is not the last we'll see of Griddle either.

7762903>>7768577 Sorry for such a late response, my times become a little limited in the run up to Christmas. Regardless, I'm glad you're impressed and thanks for the comments!

So that first segment... yea... as another user said on this chapter "good god". First chapters and descriptors are always a pain in the ass, but seeing this in chapter two...

" She was a dark blue unicorn mare with a light cyan mane and a yellow cutie mark shaped like the insect with which she shared her name. "

Show don't tell, and if you tell please don't tell it all in the first sentence where you introduce the character. Its really bad literature dodo to introduce new chars like that. That we get sections of inner monologue/self commentary in a dream is a personal dodo, and I must admit that if I wasn't able to convince myself that it was an innocent misunderstanding of what the whole dream was about instead of us being told a dramatic backstory of sex as a 12 year old would I properly have noped out of the story right at that section.

I smiled happily before trotting back to my workbench, leaving the water running. My weapons deserved no less love and affection, and soon they were all as spotless as I could manage.

She bathed her guns... She took energy weapons... and bathed them... I know that this isn't really nice of me to say this, but I think it just hit me that this story is the most fanficy fanfic that I have ever read. We have a main char that is all the sex and guns, and the first chapter was about how fuckable she was, now we have an intro with a "sad woe is me" backstory, and now gun porn in the form of a giant description of each weapon and then a bath scene with them.
Its clear as day that a lot of thought have been put into this story, and I like it for the most part, but right there with that gun bath did the penny finally drop and I realised what there have been nagging me. The story is nice, but the execution of it is so "overeager" that it reminds me of some of the homework people shared way back in middle school, the structure being so hasty because people are so eager to get it all out, to get to the good parts.

As said this story is the most fanfic fanfic that I have ever encountered in my FoE days, and it is deeply fascinating for me. From here on out do I just think that I will take it in without commentary, being an observer of this fine art, and remind myself to get a good cup of tea and a bag of popcorn before I jump into my next chapter... I will keep up with the "nitpickery" thou since my pre-reader brain won't forgive me if I don't comment on those things.

8771238 Damn did not even notice that my comment had gotten 6 downvotes... I do know that I could be a tad blunt and rough around the edges back then, but a whole 6 downvotes still surprises me!