Star Swirl the Bearded, regarded by all to be the greatest unicorn in the history of equestria. Back in a time long before Nightmare Moon, he lived a quiet life studying magic and the thing he cherished most in life; The stars. Everything in equestria was peaceful, the unicorns raised the sun and the moon, the earth ponies provided food and the pegasi made sure the weather was at it's optimal best all year long. Equestria was at peace. Then the Alicorn's arrived. They took away the hard earned balance and took it for themselves, but Star Swirl thought otherwise as a certain stary maned princess began to catch the young colts eye.
Chapters (2)
That was brilliant my friend, brilliant. Keep it up.
Good work, I can't wait for more.
I'm trying not to be harsh, and as such I'll only address the mistakes you've made in the description.
Star Swirl the Bearded, regarded by all to be the greatest unicorn in the history of Equestria. Back in a time long before Nightmare Moon, he lived a quiet life, studying magic and the thing he cherished most in life; the stars. Everything in Equestria was peaceful. The unicorns raised the sun and the moon, the earth ponies provided food and the pegasi made sure the weather was at its optimal/best* all year long. Equestria was at peace. Then the alicorns arrived. They took the hard earned balance for themselves, but Star Swirl thought otherwise as a certain starry-maned princess began to catch the young colt's eye.
This is my first fic/the first fic I've written*, so let me know how I did/it went*, and please don't be too harsh.
All three marked corrections are either a tautology or a pleonasm. You're repeating certain aspects of a word, which causes it to look weird. Choose either optimal or best at the first marked correction, not both. "My" already shows us that you've written it, so "I've written" is redundant. For the third marked correction, you've got yourself a blend. You're combining two phrases ("how it went" and "how I did" respectively) and forming one broken phrase in doing so.
I'm just trying to be helpful here.
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Thanks, not harsh at all, a little help never hurt anyone. Thanks for pointing that out and I'll be sure to fix up anything else that comes to mind
Interesting little story. I think you might want to lessen the . . . a bit. 3 is usually the magic number.
Just a word of advice the ... is used to either drop off the end of a sentence or add a moment of thinking pause.
Ex:
Incorrect ways:
I like pie!......But I know it's really bad for me!
Well...I think it needs more time.
Correct ways:
I like pie... but I know it's really bad for me!
Well... (notice the space and the fact that the next word is not capitalized) I think it needs more time.
"You can't do that captain! The enemy is already too... close..." The sergeant's voice dropped as he could see the griffon warriors marching across the ridge.
Like dat.
Also, interesting intro for a bad guy. You've clearly gone with the blatantly evil entity that wants more power approach. Nothing's wrong with that, I just like making my villains a bit more morally ambiguous.
Good luck with yer story.
Sincerely,
Zong The Nefarious.
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but thanks for the pointers anyway and I'll be sure to take all the advice Im given on board to improve all your reading experiences 
Thank ya kindly dear sir
Im still only young and well, Im no english major
Wow. Even better than the first chapter GreyStallion, great job. I can see a fair few spelling mistakes, but nothing so bad as put me off the story.
949945 Ah' thank you kindly sir
, Must not have picked up on them. I'll have to go back through and give them a check 