Well, I'm an aspiring writer and I should hope I'm not all that bad at it by the time I get serious about it.
Some think that when you die your life flashed before your eyes. This is not what happens, for when you die you go on a walk with death and simply talk about what you have done. King Sombra is dead and is taking this walk, What will The Pale Mare have to say to Sombra?
(My first story ever that I've decided to submit So feedback would be nice.)
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Yo, this is Ice Star in case ya wanted to know who's looking at your story. Here's my critique:
This part here isn't doing the story flow any favors. If you go with the 'King Sombra is dead' deal then we know it's the Heart that killed him. Removing this would help.
Your scenery is nice but your sentence variation could use work. The first two start with 'When' and could be combined into one with some work. You'll also notice some words I bolded - those are errors! Make the letters lowercase. Try to work on complex sentences if you want to be a writer. Starting with the same word over and over again like this is not a good way to get readers. While none of these errors are bad, they might draw some away from your story.
I would merge this with the previous paragraph.
Try 'And Sombra did.'
This would look nice in italics and help make this stand out from your story.
'She accepted it; he didn't.' This is only your first story so the capitalization errors will be easy to fix. It's nothing to fret about though - I made plenty of mistakes early in my own writing.
Please put these in italics.
Those Ts ought to be lowercase.
Italics.
Conclusion: The italics must be doubled, fix a few errors and show don't tell all the time. You were able to find cover art so that was good but your story is best described with only the Sad/Romance tags so I would reduce the number to just that. You don't need the (First story) note on the front either - it's more fitting for an A/N. Add your story to groups to get it more attention and writing help but don't stop writing!
7722577 What he said.
7722577
7722582
Errors fixed and considerations considered, thank you for the feedback.
Also, the first part was meant to put a little comedic effect into the story.
7722627 Sure thing.
Just be sure to only spam relevant groups.
good job FTW
The idea behind this is cliche as hell but lord knows I love me a cliche romanced villain plot. The general outline of the story is really nice but honestly in the format that it is now it is really cropped and a bit like it is being rushed out of the gates. I tell you this because I genuinely believe that if you expand this, go into detail about the events of somber heart, more in line with letting us experience snapshots of the events as they went down as apposed to the quick recap memory format that it is in now. Seriously this could be an amazing AUstory about Sombra. You would need to show us about Queen Amore and how she actually denies Quartz Shine the cure instead of just telling us that she did. You feel me? Stuff like actually painting us the picture you want to show us instead of describing it to us as a third party. Overall I like the idea, even enough to review it which I rarely bother doing. I would give it a 7/11 for what you have now.
7732697 I did write the story on a whim in about 2 hours, so I know that it's rushed and could be expanded into something amazing, I may do a new story that expands the AU elements of it.
There is more emotion packed into this short than in almost any chapter of any longer story I have ever told, including my non-pony stuff. Bravo! I wish I could learn how you did this.
Dammit Who you made me cry....
8082771 That was kinda the plan :P
So, seeing as you asked for feedback and I'm snooping on your profile...
The characterization of this is weak, especially considering they came out with a much more robust backstory for him in the comic books before you wrote this. You did well to give Sombra a sympathetic story, but there's a difference in the level of extremes between the things that happened to him and the things he did. The snippets you showed to tell his story were good for brevity, but not for actually setting a tone or giving the details that would really sell this: you needed to elaborate on it, perhaps it would've been much better as a monologue, where you could have him raving about what he did and why it was all justified and why he wasn't a tyrant but a fair ruler who's people were no less happy than he was.
This isn't bad, but this is about the amount of detail and tone I would put into an outline, not a completed work. If I wrote this I would have rewritten it to have a stronger tone or something before releasing it.