I Was Only 18

by kalash93

Still Out

Shining Armor twitches in bed. Troubled sounds come from his mouth He tosses and turns and clenches. Things like words come out. Names, orders, pleas, it's impossible to tell exactly what he's saying. He breaks out into a sweat. Sleeping besides him is Cadance. Just as she begins to stir, the stallion's eyes fly open wildly, panting hard already. As if mad, he springs from the bed and grabs his M1911, immediately taking cover, readying it, and going into a crouching position covering the door. His eyes are wild, his breath coming in ragged gasps. He trembles visibly.

Cadance sees him. "Shining," she whispers, "It's okay."

He doesn't hear her.

He doesn't notice the quiet of the house.

In his mind, he hears gunfire and screams. The dream has burst through from his sleep to his waking mind. A tear rolls down his cheek and he doesn't even notice. In the heart of this crystal palace, safe under the best protection in his homeland, in bed with the one he loves most, he is somewhere else. Cautiously, he crouches and advances towards the door. Cadance knows what he's going to do. The trembling wreck of her husband is about to check their chambers. He can't sleep until it's done. Her emphatic link is broadcasting waves of fear and grief into her mind. She blocks it to the best of her ability. He steps outside, gun held out. Minutes pass, he returns, shaky on his legs.

"Shining, Honey, are you okay? Come back to bed, dear." The princess is concerned.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine. Just thought I heard something, is all," he nervously pants back to her, placing the pistol back in its place."

Sitting down on the bed, he smiles. "I love you, Cadance."

"I love you too, Shiny," she smiles, brushing his grim cheek delicately. He trembles, then goes stiff.

They sit like that for minutes, then the stallion tentatively touches the mare. She raises her face and licks his cheek playfully. "Gotcha, Shiny." This gets a smile from him, but just for a second. His cheek... it felt wet...

Then he kisses her back. "Gotchya, too," Shining Armor awkwardly replies. The unsteadiness in his limbs is going out. His breathing is calming, but now he is just simply tense, rigid, wooden. Cadance shuffles further away on the bed, prompting his to come after her. She has a smile on her face, knowing what is about to come. These are the moment when she has her husband back. He grabs her limb. "Think you can get away that easy?"

"Nope, just getting you right where I want you," she teases, throwing one of her legs around his waist. They lock him in between her thighs.

He leans forwards. For a second, the fear comes back; she can see it on his face. She pulls him closer in. The touch is restoring him to life. he gives her the closest he can to a genuine smile and gives himself to her, as close as he gets to normal these days.

Afterwards, they lie together, sweaty.

"I love you, Cadance. Thank you." He hugs her tight. She reciprocates by kissing him deeply.

"I love you, too. Feeling better, Love?"

"Kinda."

"Oh, just kinda? You seemed to enjoy it a lot..." A wicked grin is on her face.

He tries to grin, failing miserably. "Hey, you too." It falters and Shining Armor sighs. "Same old, same old. That time of year again..." His smile fades. Princess Cadance wears concern on her face.

"That time of year again?"

"Yeah, Veterans' Day.... I... Nothing drags up memories like it. And then there's everyone trying to thank me for my service. They don't get that I'm no hero; I was just doing what I had to do." Cadance hugs him. There's not much else to be done. Words can't reach him now, but perhaps the physical touch will let him know that he isn't alone in all this. Her poor, wonderful husband. "They thank me, and they never understand just what went into that service. I think they don't want to."

"They don't want to?" She strokes his chest.

He turns to look her in the eye. There's that look again, that wild one he sometimes gets that makes him look like a frightened animal, like a rabbit under the talons of a hawk. "They don't want to know how it hurts to serve, to have to be there, go there, do that, kill or be killed..." He tenses up. She can hear the new constriction in his voice. "I once saw an enemy, not even as far from the door. We were on operation -- combat. He looked my age, maybe just a little younger or older. For a moment, I saw myself in his eyes. Then I raised my rifle and killed him. He silently plead for his life, but I took it anyway. They don't want to hear about that. "They don't want to hear about when your friend takes a round in front of you. There's screaming, thrashing, crying..." Shining can almost not continue. His cheeks are freshly wet again. "I watched my friend die that was, a thousand miles from home, screaming for his mom with his guts and blood spilling from him with every scream. Every time I see a foal, I see myself thinking what they'd look like down the gunsight, or soaked in their own blood, their brains blown wide out... God help me, I was only eighteen."

He stopped and wept. She said nothing.

"But you keep going anyway, knowing what'll happen. You go into the fight, knowing you may not come back. Ops, combat, deployments, days, weeks, and month knowing every breath could be your last living moment... But you go..."

"Why?" Cadance asked gently.

"For others. So that it may be you and not them, no matter how scared you are or how much it hurts. They tell you you'll come back, but years later, I'm still not back, Cadance. I'm still NOT BACK!"

She holds him closer through his sobs. "It's okay, you're here."

"I'm scared for Flurry; maybe someone someday'll kill her; I've seen dead younger than her... I'm even more scared for our son; will he one day have to kill like me? Will he be maimed or worse?" A pause. "I don't feel worthy of being your husband or their father, and though I love being intimate with you, it's hard to feel sexy when you see slain corpses every time you close your eyes..." He touches her back. "And when they ask me how I feel, I want to yell at them. I want them to answer me: Can you tell me, why I still can't sleep? Why do footsteps in the night make me want to scream? And why can't I stop seeing the horror both awake and in my dreams!?"

He tries to shuffle away from her, but the princess grabs his arm. "Shiny, please..." Cadance begs. "Don't run away from me. I love you, and I'll love you and hold you until you are whole again."

"How can you? Coming home sucks; I'm back here, but my mind's out there. I've been conditioned and trained, experienced things, and I can't undo that. I'll never be just some normal guy, never again. Your brave husband is a coward clinging to the past, scared of dreams and memories."

"Shining, I'm so proud of you; you've been through so much and I'm the luckiest mare in the world to have you!" She in desperation touches his face. It's wet. "Are you crying?"

"Liquid pride," he says.

"Me too."

And they held each other close, taking comfort in each other. Just another night. In a few hours would be the sunrise and the holiday, and all the parades, celebrations, and speeches. But to them, that didn't matter. They had each other, and she would hold onto him, until his heart came home again. And he so long as his heart pumped blood, it would be full of love for her. So long as one would make an effort, the other would, too. His touches went lower to show his dearest love that he was still hers, in body and soul, and she moaned back so he might hear something real and good.

Author's Note:

Quickie piece for Veterans' Day 2016. I figured I'd do a bit with Shining and Cadance, and I wanted to make a more emotional and personally-oriented piece than I've done in the past. I always wondered how Shining Armor got by, considering that Equestria seems to be in danger pretty often. This is a part of Veterans' Day that doesn't get addressed too often, the homecoming process. Honor to all veterans and all the fallen.

Thanks to Nahmala for looking over this for me.

Thank you for reading.

Support me on Patreon.

Kalash93

Comments

[The Bricklayer]

The very kind of story that hits you right in the guts. I've heard stories of soldiers who have PTSD, and it hurts every time you hear of one who has it, and I think you demonstrated it very well here. I tip my hat to you sir.

[Kuairu]

I wonder if there's some sort of Wounded Warriors Project for Equestria. That would be a neat idea to explore.

A good story, although it needs a few touch ups for grammar and punctuation.

I especially salute those who didn't volunteer but were drafted or conscripted. They had the extra push further than they thought they would have ever done in their lives, and I can't imagine the loss of innocence that they never had a chance to even keep.

[PastyWaffles]

*Looks at the story description*

"Oh shit"

[Scorch215]

[Late Registrator]

That cover art made me laugh.
Doesnt match the story IMO

[starship55]

John Rambo didn't go home for a LONG time. He knew he couldn't....not the way he was now. He just kept on fighting, until he felt that he "could" finally go home. He was "DONE" with fighting. In Apocalypse Now, the mc, also, couldn't go back to a "NORMAL" life. PTSD is a BITCH. Some of our soldiers, keep on fighting, as mercenaries, for other countries....in other wars....until they don't WANT to fight anymore.