This is a story of war and death, love and fear, power and darkness. A fast paced story based around the fall of everything everypony held dear.
Chapters (2)
troy.jones
Joined 29th Jun, 2012 ·
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"Will wont to read"
Okay then tiger.
However glaringly awful the premise sets out to be; I'll sum up the major points.
Pacing: Goes faster than Cheetos at a crack-house
Sidenotes about pacing: Not only does this not make sense, it's more jumpy than a hyper-active post WW2 Schizo patient
Atmosphere: Especially since we're talking about war here, IT MAKES NO SENSE. The best this comes to the grimdark is a light horror short story.
Everything else: Refer to first part of comment.
832396 'Wont', as in customary behavior. As in you'll read this once every day or something like that.
Fine. I'll stop trying to be clever.
I'm not even going to read this. Your description has so much wrong with it, and I'm sure your story isn't much better.
If I may make some suggestions for your description, I suggest you write it like this: "This is a story of war and death, love and fear, power and darkness. This is a story you will want to read." That's a much more appealing description. I think you could also improve on it; your description doesn't really tell me anything about the story. It doesn't seem like there's anything that sets it apart from any other story.
Not rating your story because I didn't actually read it.
My comment to you, my friend. Though I really enjoyed editing this and making all your typographical and grammatical errors correct, I have to say that the basic plot line (If you had not told me in advance how it would turn out) makes almost no sense at all. To put it bluntly from what you have, I see in no way possible how this relates to war nor how it all intertwines. Yes, I know that it is left vauge for all us readers to make our own "assumptions", but you must understand that a bit more description and better PACING really helps us who don't quite follow what the buck is going on. The concept of the story, in my opinion, is very intresting so therefore, I want you to continue, and as such I will continue to edit as you see fit, but a slight alteration of your thought process of how the story plays out would be wonderful. The plot you have is good, but slow things down JUST A TAD so that we can understand it better. Maybe a quest intermission and more structure within sentences would allow for more breathing room. I know this is your first attempt at ANY type of writing, and what you have now is great, but it's probably just not what the majority of other ponies would like. (Your style I mean, not your story itself) Love you like a bro, and hope to edit more for you in the future my friend.
I know that it will get better with future chapters, and I'm sure everypony realizes that the explaination WILL come, just in good time. Keep on keeping on my friend, and godspeed.
Also, the reason I didn't bring the pacing matter up was for the thought that everypony might would understand that the explanation would come later on, but appearently that wasn't the case. That was my fault, and please forgive me.