• Member Since 16th May, 2012
  • offline last seen October 3rd

Loyal


Just a dude. Writes horsewords... with varying regularity.


Comments ( 36 )

I love this Verse so much, Fallout and MLP are a match made in heaven. Now I get to enjoy my Favourite Author get involved with it?

Sign me the hell up!

Looking forward to more!

I'm very interested to see where this story goes.:pinkiehappy:

7926885 I know right. What amazes me even more is how contrasting they are (heck, I bet both Hasbro and Bethesda were stunned when this happened and became sucsessful), with MLP being about harmony and friendship and Fallout being about struggle and survival, it's a wonder that khat was able to combine the two, but once they were it was like a bridge being opened.

7927849 you know what they say. Opposites attract!

Another cool story to add to my tracking list. Keep up the good work!

I see your recent conversion to Islam has started to bleed into your writing.

7927285 And we're glad to have you along for the ride! :)

Ahhh 7928126 Loyals story isnt complete without your comment :)

Wow! This is really well written! Its got me hooked. Though i do hope we will get a little more information into just how the marem works and why Head Mares don't tend to like each other much even if they are mother and daughter. :heart:

There is never enough of incest.

...Why did Saddle Arabia get hit? It had nothing to do with the war. ...Right?

7930991 I'll defer to Loyal for a more nuanced answer, but the short form of it is: Saddle Arabia wasn't directly attacked, per se. But a couple of things combined to catch them in the crossfire: Their physical location near Equestria, and their penchant for playing the 'officially neutral third wheel' in the Great War. As the Prologue notes, they leveraged both Zebrican and Equestrian technology while officially not taking sides.

But when the balefire and megaspells began to fly, some cities couldn't escape the radius of destruction, and parts of the desert became uninhabitable from the fallout. They fared much better than either of the belligerents, of course, but they certainly didn't escape unharmed.

7931135

There were also directed Megaspells and Balefire bombs fired at Saddle Arabia, however the Balefires mostly hit the north due to atmosphere, it was the Megaspells the did the majority of the damage.
The reasoning for it was that both the Zebras and the Ponies saw the Saddle Arabians as targets for harboring members of their enemies race(s).

Chapter 1 goes over this quite well. So if anyone missed that, rereading Ch1 would be a good idea. :twilightsmile:

7931387
I don't know who this man is, but I want him on the team.

To officially answer any questions, yes, this is pretty much spot-on what happened. We'll explore it more later, but Saddle Arabia was seen as a (mostly) neutral third party, and just as guilty as the two main aggressors in the eyes of the latter. They certainly didn't warrant any major response, hardly a thought from either side, really, but they weren't spared by any stretch of imagination.

In fact, the zebra's Balefire will play heavily into the first arc of the story. Equestria's megaspells more heavily in the second and third arcs.

7931823
A massive fallout and ponyfiction fan.
Fallout: Equestria is actually what got me into the fandom in the first place. Even before seeing any episodes. :twilightsheepish:

Really glad to get a chance to read a new FoE story. If you ever do need help, well, I am an avid reader. :derpytongue2:

7931838
As mentioned in the description of the story, we ARE looking for pre-readers. If you'd like, you're welcome to join our Discord chat, where you'll have access to new chapters as I write them. In fact, the next 3 are up for editing, so you could read a solid 50k worth of words right "Here and Now"
Heh.
Just send me a PM if you're interested ^.^

I'm hitched, I'll give you that. I'm also the kind of person who reserves most of their judgement for when I finish something so I don't want to give you a full shake down. That being said I've got some first impressions, and for the most part I'm unsure how I feel about this. I was interested enough to read further but needed to take breaks because I would get bored.

This story kind of tightropes its way along, being both incredibly cliche and surprisingly innovative. Story told in the first person perspective of a Stable dweller? Let me guess, the Stable Dweller is a female unicorn too?:applejackunsure: Overmare as main character? Haven't seen that done. Long lecture about war being bad? Ugh, boring! A super Stable located in Saddle Arabia that no one else knows about? Sounds pretty neat. Trivial activities of the day-to-day operation in the Stable before the main charter has to leave? It's not plagiarism if it's a love note, right? Main character leaving Stable on a right of passage to prove herself as a leader and expand her horizons? Sounds good. The mixed bag that this story is just all feels messy and gets a bit hard to read.

I think the biggest problem is that the story completely lacks any kind of uniform tone and that's because Diamond Dust has no established character. With Littlepip, we understood her within a few sentences. She was a lonely little outcast whelp who wishes for more but is content being stuck in her place, someone that almost anyone can sympathize with. She's a simple archetype with a fixed perspective that allowed us to acclimate to the world and character before things started changing.

Diamond Dust is a confusing miasma of a character and total bitch to boot. We get introduced to her as a teacher figure for a group of foals at the beginning of a tradition thing, nice way to get to know the character and the world in one go. Unfortunately, most of this scene involves watching a boring video and our main has almost no interaction. Then, we get her calling her own offspring shits, fucking everything within her family tree when she should be working, and generally setting a bad example, while lecturing the audience about how awesome an example she sets. Then, she's saving somepony's life and you know the one thing that really brings down stress? Building sexual tension with pretty much everypony involved in the accident. Then, throw on some stuff about how she rose from the bottom against her abusive mother that's now abandoned the stable for nefarious purposes and have DD go on with life like nothing ever happened. Brilliant!

Diamond Dust is an arrogant, over-inflated, scatter-brained moron who shouldn't be trusted with her own well being, let alone that of five hundred others. And I love that about her.

Sure, she's a bad perspective character since she bounces between being a stoic badass, a nurturing mother figure, and a jerkass, cool big sister but never really fleshes out any one of those dynamics. Her interactions with other ponies also seem rather inconsequential. We only really learn the other pony's name, appearance, and status as a close cousin or full sibling while talking about some plot related thing before DD bangs them and they disappear from the story (the foals mean even less). She really lacks anything for the reader to latch onto so we can start to understand the world outside her expansive family tree. However, Diamond's faults are really nothing more than potential. She may be hard to understand and I think this story would have worked much better in third person but she does have room to grow and develop as a character.

My problem with Diamond comes from how preachy she is and that's something you as a writer have caused. You have to commit to your character as the narrator when writing in first person. If she grew up in an environment were incest is the norm, she's not going to dedicate half a paragraph to justifying it. She doesn't seem to have any self esteem issues so, why is she telling us every third sentence about how good a job she's doing? If DD was a preachy bitch who like to assert her superiority over everybody (which she may actually be?:applejackunsure: She's still not all that well defined), it would be understandable if her internal dialogue reflected that, but for the most part it doesn't seem to be going that way. In first person, the narrative itself builds the character more then anything else. If the character interacts with the audience and the environment differently, a rift forms in the character being portrayed. They split into the in story character and a puppet that the author is flaunting around, any reason to use first person lost.

So yeah, you've got to work on your first person prose. I also think that there are too many characters in these early chapters, most of them are only seen once and are only mentioned later on but this isn't too big a problem. Things also progress at an odd pace but I'm not going to hold that against you, pacing is stupid hard and I don't know how to advise improving it. I was also reading the story in chunks which ruined the flow but that was because I was growing bored at points.

On the plus side, this has to be one best written FO:E fics I've ever seen. I didn't notice any grammar issues and there were only a few times when I lost track of what was happening. The one place I had a real issue with was:

Spoilers

"Well, y'all got yer taste. Now tomorrow won't come as such a huge shock to ya." She chuckled, clapping me on the back once more. I could have chided her for not giving me any warning, but I was still too shocked to comment. I'd been dreaming of tomorrow ever since I'd taken over for Geode. Now, on the cusp of my pilgrimage, I found my worries about Alpha falling by the wayside. "C'mon, yer not gone yet. Still got a stable to run." Geode pushed me out of the elevator as we arrived back in the short hallway, the stairs looming over us. "Hey, what was that-"

Click.

My world stopped. I knew that sound all too well, though that did nothing to stop an icy chill from running down my spine.

I think the click should come first followed by Diamond going "Hey, what was-" as she's turning. As it is, it's hard to understand what's happening as you read it.

I also really liked Mauve. He was easily the best defined and developed character while providing some of the only grounding we get for Diamond and this story.

Well, that's a pretty long comment... Anyway, I'm going to stick this one in my tracking folder and see how it develops. Its got a decent foundation outside the questionable first person shenanigans. Good luck going forward.

7934543
I'll be perfectly honest here: There doesn't seem like much I can say to justify any of your qualms against the story thus far. Your analysis is 100% spot-on, and I don't think there's much wiggle room for validation against some of your more pressing concerns. I could take the high road and say this is my first attempt at first-person narrative, or that I'm still an amateur writer, but after almost five years at this game and a team of four editors at my back, I don't have any excuses.

You're absolutely right, and Diamond's characterization is one of the major points I've struggled with throughout this story. I felt a great sense of trepidation at publishing this story (especially within the first few chapters) because of issues like pacing, characterization, and narrative.

The only thing I have to say is this: I hope you continue reading, if for no other reason than to see what we have planned. I'd hate to toot my own horn about this, but the future arcs of this story have me more excited than I think I've ever been. I can't promise I'll fix any of the (glaring) issues you've presented here, but I do know that there is much in the way of badassery and juicy Fallout: Equestria-ness ahead.

In closing, I'd like to thank you for the time you've taken to write such insightful feedback. It's not often I come across something so well-structured, and if I'd have known you had such a keen eye for narrative, I'd have tried to recruit you to my editing team before the story was published.

Spoilers below:
Diamond's development is intended to be touched upon in the form of memories and dreams she has about her past, specifically, the trials she alludes to in the first chapter. As the story goes on, I had plans to put dream sequences and memory orb passages at the beginning of chapters, usually when Diamond Dust's asleep. Hopefully, that will help lend credence to why she's such a bitch. But, simply put, there's no substitute for bad writing, and Diamond Dust is not my proudest work. The rest of the story, however, just might be.

7935679 I wasn't trying to bash your story or anything, I was just trying to offer some constructive criticism for your story. First person is a double edged blade and I also really enjoy writing a critique here and there. My own story doesn't have a third the spit and polish that this one does and I'm hardly a stellar writer.

Like I said, FSA caught my interest and is in my tracking folder. The problems are big but so is the setup so I'm interested in seeing you work both of them out. You would have benefited from sticking with third person but no one gets good at something new without trying first.

Another note: I don't think it was intentional but, Diamond Dust is hateable to the point I was following along just to see her get a comeuppance. So you have that going for you if you want to explore some sort of a comedy angle with DD as the butt. I also gained no small amount of petty entertainment from the idea of sticking DD and my story's main, Shadow, in a room and letting the latter chew her to pieces.

Anyway, its a pretty good story. I'm waiting for more.

7936211
I didn't mean to imply you were bashing at all. Quite the opposite, actually. I love when readers give good critiques, and yours was arguably one of the best I've recieved to date.

As for the rest, I simply have to say that you'll have to stick it out. We have a long road ahead of us, and many months of updates to see to. What you seek may or may not lie ahead...

Then again, if you want a bit of a head start, we are looking for pre readers. If you're interested, send me a PM. There are three additional chapters available to folks who join our Discord server.

7934543 Your opinion is shallow and misinformed you weapons grade tomato.

7939950 I'm genuinely interested how you said tomato in your head. Was it with a hard of soft "a" sound, like with that old saying. I feel like you pronounce it with the soft "a" just to seem edgy...

7940366 I pronounce it the opposite way of who ever I'm talking to pronounces it because it tends to annoy people. So if you use a hard "a" I'd use a soft one and vice versa. So in my head I honestly switch it around without thinking about it.

7940636
You are a paragon of humanity.

7939950
What's a weapons grade tomato, and how do I get one?

7940887 Well you take pretty much any tomato youve got lying around, leave it out in the sun for about 3 weeks, then you suck out the rotten inner liquid with a syringe. One you've got your hollowed out moldy tomato you then take a dump in a bucket fill it will coyote urine (it's the worst urine) and leave that out in the sun for another week. Finally using the syringe from earlier you fill the hollowed out tomato with the raw sewage and then fling it (preferably using a sling of some fashion) at your intended target.

Why make the main pony so op right off the bat. But great story

Visions danced behind my eyelids of my own trials, oh so long ago. I tried to mentally shake them off, but they were persistent. I remembered with great detail the earlier trials, of learning the history of the Great War and what it had done to the world. How Saddle Arabia had been targeted by quite a few zebra missiles, but was ultimately spared thanks to the weak atmosphere. With the thin air, the rockets hadn't had the purchase they needed to fly to their destinations. They had faltered, small errors leading to larger ones, eventually causing them all to crash in the desolate, relatively unpopulated region along our northern border.

THAT'S NOT HOW ROCKETS WORK.

The rest is fine but I'm distracted by THAT'S NOT HOW ROCKETS WORK AT AAAAAAL.

This sounds interesting, I;'ve never heard of stories set outside zebralands

This is really fantastic. I played new Vegas again recently and this is really bringing it all together. Keep it up man.

Nuuu!!! Why canceled! i looked for hours trying to refind this story hoping there would be more :( this was such a good story

8371337
Sorry to be the one to have to tell you but Jordan Williams (Loyal) killed himself last week. That's why all of his unfinished stories have been moved to cancelled.

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