He who dreams of freshly baked cookies
It was a clear dark night, a black new moon floating in the sky. And in the deepest recesses of the Everfree Forest, several hooded creatures stood in a circle. What species or type they were was a mystery. It could be a pegasus or griffin under one set of winged robes, though the bipedal stance and horns gave away the minotaur.
Their robes were royal purple, with blood red scripture of the forgotten and banished gods engraved upon them. After their spy had checked Princess Luna's personal night calendar, they knew the stars this night would be in alignment.
This was the night all of them had prepared for. By dawn, all of Equestria would be under their sway... or a twisted un-waking nightmare-scape which death offered no escape. But gain required risk and all that.
Their leader held the object of power, everything was ready, the symbols drawn, the sacrifices of freshly baked cookies made, the candles lit, all that remained was the incantation. And in the language of the Deep Ponies, the cultists chanted.
Nature trembled, the stars sang, the world itself gave pause as the cultists spoke as one voice, calling out to the Great Old One they sought.
And so the portal did open, and out came the Outer God, Ponythulu, poniulhu, or Ponycuthoolu, no true version of his name existed in mortal tongue. The weaker willed cultists fell to the ground, foaming at the mouths at the sight of him. Was he green and humanoid with bat wings and a tentacled mouth? Or was he red with eyes and arms going all the way around his body? None could be certain, none could be sure. All were right and all were wrong.
More of the lesser cultists fell over, their minds lost in madness when they heard the Great Old One, speak!
"Hello," it waved an arm/leg/claw/tentacle/incomprehensible. "Thanks for inviting me for a quick visit. Nice to know people still think about me."
It was the leader of the cult who beheld the most uncomprehending sight of all... was Ponythulu... wearing pink bunny slippers with matching bathrobe? "You... you are Ponythulu yes?"
"Oh yes I am! It's so nice of you to remember."
"And you are one of the Great Old Ones? The Outer Gods? Older than Equinekind itself? Could make the continents themselves tremble?"
"Yep! That's me!" It smiled.
"Well... in that case, COWER BEFORE ME! SERVE ME! OBEY MY WILL! OR FACE MY WRATH!" The lead cultists brought forth the object of power... a small model boat.
"Oh you brought me a gift! How thoughtful!" Ponythulu plucked the object from the lead cultist. "This will look great in my bathtub!" Ponythulu began to toot the 'Sailor Man' song.
"But... but... you're supposed to be terrified of boats... they're supposed to be your most base fear... Ever since that steamer ship rammed through your body escaping your city!"
"Huh? Oh! You mean that time that little ship raced over my shadow when one of my avatars got woken up early? ..." Ponythulu giggled. "Those mortals sure got a fright! And I was going to bake them some cookies too! It took me a whole fifteen minutes to reconstitute my form. Like I said, I was groggy."
The other remaining cultists who weren't drooling on themselves stood bewildered and completely unsure of what they were supposed to be doing in response to the scene before them.
"But... all my, our plans to conquer Equus... to bend you to our will... we were clever! I was clever! I planned most of my life for this!"
Ponythulu patted him on the head. "There there, not everything can work out like we plan. That's life. I once burned a tray full of cookies thanks to one of Nythy's cute little pranks! But one just has to move forward."
"AGH!" The lead cultists futilely kicked and slammed against the Great Old One. "Serve me! Obey me! Be my slave! I'm supposed to have destroyed or rule over all of Equus by morning! I said so to all those jerks at the coffee shop after they laughed at me!"
"That tickles," Ponythulu giggled.
You're supposed to be the terrifying embodiment of the unknown and the dark terrors that lie outside Equestrian knowledge!" The head cultist snarled.
"I am. Doesn't mean I can't have hobbies."
"You're supposed to conquer Equus for me, I mean us!"
"Sorry I can't do that all for you. But here's a nice cookie recipe instead!" Ponythulu gave the cultist a sheet of paper with a sticky note. "Be sure to invite me again next time the stars align! We can have a tea party!" Ponythulu went back through the portal taking the model boat with him. What lay beyond looked like a geometrically impossible bachelor pad. The portal closed.
The lead cultist stared at the space the portal had been for about a minute before screaming in rage. He burned the recipe to ashes and blasted the ashes to atoms.
The sticky note miraculously survived and floated down on the wind, and was caught by one of the other cultists who read it out loud.
"'I really hope you enjoy this cookie recipe. The cookies will turn anycreature who eats them into a Deep Creature of the Great Old Ones, be it Deep Pony, Deep Dragon, Deep Griffin, etc, who shall embrace the joy of Ponythulu's freshly baked cookies and will be driven to share this joy with others. I shall show favor to those who have shared my cookies. Though beware the Power of Pastries and their Pink One. Good luck on spreading the influence of the Outer Gods across your planet. BBF, Ponythulu, '... "
The cult leader stood there still as a statue, his eyes twitching. Then he fell to his knees, babbling. "But I, but that's, but all, that isn't, that can't, I'm supposed to, this was, but I, this was, this isn't how, the cookies, bunny slippers."
He was still like that when the Night Guard and Princess Luna found him.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Alex Warlorn · 19k words · 27 6 · 2.3k views
- Alex Warlorn · 4.4k words · 31 2 · 967 views
- Alex Warlorn · 4.4k words · 37 4 · 1.5k views
- Godzillawolf · 79k words · 22 4 · 1.2k views
- Alex Warlorn · 83k words · 43 7 · 2.9k views
- Alex Warlorn · 106k words · 36 5 · 1.3k views
- Alex Warlorn · 7.4k words · 32 3 · 1.9k views
- Alex Warlorn · 5.6k words · 50 5 · 1.6k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.095 seconds
Total duration
653 users online
846,552 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
That was pretty funny. Thank you.
7697427
My pleasure.
You know, I've read a lot of Lovecraft pastiche, but this is the first one in which Cthulhu is a Cookie Monster. Congrats on increasing the madness!
7697539
Thanks!
7697539
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4mc_whB4cWA/T1U9AM6aj0I/AAAAAAAAAlI/NgcTkSvbuO4/s1600/cookie.jpg
http://cdn.mamamia.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/35n2c7.jpg
Hard to argue either of these points.
7697589
:-)
Recipe, please!
7698338
Private. :-)
Whenever you say optional canon, its pretty much a guarantee that the story will be to good to be optional.
7698537
???
7699095
I have no idea what he meant.
7698580 All of your "optional canon" stories are great. So great that I'd hate for them not to be canon.
7699145
See if you say that when the next optional story is posted.
7699166 Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a freshly-baked cookie in my eye
7699913
:-)
That's what you get for being cryptic cultists.
I feel like the barista who misspelled the head cultist's name in a humorous way is really to blame for the whole debacle.
I wonder what punishment the cultists will face. Community service baking cookies for underprivileged foals?
7704339
What makes you say that?
7704048
If that is a reference, I do not get.
I imagine that's the only coherent thing he can actually do now. And mumble about bunny slippers.
7704935 It's not a reference, it's just that the cult leader seemed driven mostly by a desire for revenge for those jerks who mocked him in a coffee shop, and in my experience 80% of cafe-based mockeries are driven by the barista hilariously mispronouncing your name when they announce your beverage is ready.
Look, if a dozen people pointed and laughed at you after some barista announced a foam latte for an Axle Wario, you'd swear revenge and summon a dark god to take over the world, right? It's the only logical response.
7697570 OBJECTION! That first picture is bullshit. Cookie Monster still eats cookies. Not nearly as much of them, and also eats fruits, but he still eats cookies. Source? My eight year old likes to watch the show still. And the reasoning for the change was to promote healthy eating habits, not PC bullshit.