• Published 20th Sep 2018
  • 435 Views, 5 Comments

Aussie bloke in Equestria - Wonder



A standard Aussie is thrown into a world of technicolor ponies.

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Wait... where am I?

"Ah, bloody hell!" Steve rubbed the back of his head where it had hit the ground. How the hell did falling of a bar stool hurt so damn much? "What the hell, Mike, you bastard."

Steve sat up quickly, ready to punch his friend in the face like a good friend should but when he opened his eyes to find where his friend's face was he was met with open fields of grassland. This wasn't just normal Australian grassland either. There was no blaring sun god firing waves of death down upon mortal men. There was no partially, if not completely dead grass. This was some Walt Disney shit going on right in front of his eyes. The field was a bright green that went all the way to the horizon. This wasn't flat ground either but a series of gently rolling hills that seemed to have beem engineered to be perfect. Even the sun seemed to have changed. Instead of unbearable heat it brought a gentle warmth. Steve had to admit he kind of enjoyed it. It reminded him of winter.

Steve used his hands to sit himself up straight and got to his feet. He proceeded to check his pockets for his wallet, phone and keys. They were all still there so he hadn't gotten drugged and mugged, although with what he was seeing the drug part was still a possibility. As far as he knew he still had all his organs so that was good. Problem was he didn't feel the effects of a hangover either so there was no way he had gotten drunk enough to wake up in a random place.

"Well, fuck me." Steve muttered to himself as he brought out his phone only to find that there was no reception in the area. How the hell was he supposed to get back to town. He couldn't see any roads or train tracks for miles and there was no sign of any houses nearby or even any sign of Beaudesert at all. Maybe if he just walked he would find a paddock fence or something. This place looked like prime farmland so he was probably is a grazing field or something. It was rather odd to see grass this green in Queensland though. Some rich bugger must own it.

With no direction in mind Steve began walking, all the while thinking to himself of what he would do when he got home. First on the list was still punching Mike. After that came drinking and finally getting around to fixing the fence out the back of his house. Drunk duck-duck-goose was definitely not a good idea around fragile objects.

Steve looked around him as he walked, noticing a large forest in the distance to his left. Seemed rather large but then again he didn't even know there had been a forest nearby until now. Maybe he had got knock out by the fall and his friends ditched him in New South Wales as a prank. Bloody bastards. They could have at least left him a note so he knew which way to walk.

Steve looked to his right and found in the distance small lake that seemed way to circular to be natural. Perhaps it was a reservoir for a nearby town. Looking ahead he also noticed that in the distance he could see smoke rising in small plumes. Looks like they were starting burn offs early, either that or some idiots where messing around with fire. There were enough bush fires as it was without some daft idiots adding to the mess.

Steve kept walking for what must have been at least two hours. The grass plains just kept going. The sun had almost set for crying out loud. Another hour or so and he would be walking in the bloody dark. Screw punching Mike, he was gonna jump that bastard when he next saw him. It would serve him right.

As Steve thought this he noticed a few flickers of light in the distance in the direction he had seen the smoke plumes. At first he mistook it for smalls flames but flames weren't window or door shaped. Those weren't plumes of smoke from a bush fire. It was smoke from chimneys.

"Took long enough!" Steve sighed as he quickened his pace. The quicker he could find a land line, the quicker he could call a cab. He was around half a kilometer from the town when something odd occurred to him. The town before him looked nothing like anything he had seen before. Sure the dirt roads were normal for a country town but the thatch roofs were definitely odd. It looks like something you'd see in a medieval movie, except more child friendly. He had never been to Sweden but this is what he had always imagined what their houses looked like.

Hopefully he could just ask one of the residents to use their phone so he could get home. Most of the houses had their lights on so it should be too hard. Steve reached the town just as the sun was setting. It wasn't completely dark yet but it was getting there. He could see the silhouette of people moving about across town but he was too far away to see anything in detail. He looked around and noticed a house to his left had it's light on so he walked up to the front door. He knocked on the wooden door loudly. From inside he could hear somebody moving about and was about to knock again when a voice yelled out from inside.

"I'm coming, just a second." A girls voice called from inside. It was followed by the sound of pots and pans clattering around. He was about to consider going to another house when the door swung open.

There was no one on the other side though. For a second he could have sworn the door had glowed but maybe that was just his eyes adjusting the the light inside. He poked his head inside and looked both ways but he couldn't see anyone. The house was very open plan with the front door opening into what he assumed was the lounge room.

It was a fairly basic design. A large oval rug took up a sizable amount of the floor space and had a heavy looking rectangle stone table resting on top of it. Two large sofas were positioned so they were facing each other. A smaller one person armchair sat at the head of the table facing the kitchen door.

In the corner were wooden stairs led to the second level where he assumed the bedroom and bathroom were. On the far side of the room was a rather small door that was currently closed.

"Hey, anyone home?" He called out.

"Yeah, come in. Make yourself comfortable." The woman's voice called from behind the door. Judging from the noise of pots and pans he assumed that the kitchen was through the door. "I'm almost done in her so take a seat."

"Um, you sure. I don't want to intrude or anything." Steve waited just inside the doorway, waiting for her to speak.

"Don't worry. Just go ahead." He was honestly surprised. Sure most people in the country were more trusting than those in the city but he wouldn't expect someone to let a stranger in their house unsupervised. Steve cautiously moved into the lounge room and decided on the small armchair. The house had relatively small furniture but it was good enough. He could probably fit two people on one of the large couches if he tried. "So where are you from? I've never heard your accent before."

"Oh, I'm from Beaudesert. My mates just ditched me here." He shouted his response.

"Never heard of that place before. Must be very far. What's it like there?" Her voice called back. He couldn't figure out what her accent was but she didn't sound Aussie. Maybe she had just moved to Australia.

"It's pretty boring. Mostly just hot." Steve said offhandedly

"Is that so?" He heard the door at the end of the hallway open and the clack of heels on the floor as the woman walked towards the room. "Sorry if I'm asking so many questions, I've never really done this before. When Lyra suggested blind dating I was kind of nervous." A cream coloured pony walked into the room holding a silver tray with her teeth. On the tray where two plates of what looked like salad. She had a small smile on her face that instantly disappeared when she saw the creature sitting comfortably on her couch. She stood there frozen in place as she stared into the creatures eyes, not daring to move. She had heard about beasts before, apparently they can smell fear.

Steve stared at the pony in front of him. It was shaking slightly making its navy blue and pink hair wobble slightly. Normally this would freak him out but at this point he was almost definitely sure that someone had slipped something in his drink. If he was hallucinating then that would actually explain a lot. That still didn't stop him from feeling awkward about talking to a pony.

"Uh, hello?" He said hesitantly. The pony stared at him blankly for several seconds before her brain registered his words. The mare dropped the tray she was holding and screamed.

"Monster!" The panic in her voice was evident as she bolted out the front door. "Help, there's are monster in my house." Her screams got softer as she ran further but they were definitely screams of terror.

"Ah, shit. Fuck me dead." Steve groaned to himself, rubbing his face in exhaustion. "Not only am I high as a kite but now I have to explain to the cops why I'm off my tits on acid."

Steve was about to consider skipping town but as he went to sit up, fully intent on sprinting out of the house and out of town when a smell hit him. He didn't know what that lady had cooked but it smelled bloody delicious. Like a combination between Caesar salad and sea weed salad. He considered grabbing a bite before ditching and his stomach rumbled in agreement. To his amazement the plates had somehow stayed intact after they fell and only some of the salad had spilled out. So with little to no restraint Steve dug in, not even bothering with using the fork that the pony hallucination had provided.

Maybe he could enjoy a snack and wait for the cops to arrive. Once he told them the full story he could catch a ride home with them. As far as he knew he hadn't broken any laws. She had invited him in and she hadn't actually told him to leave so he wasn't trespassing. Best of all, the food had been made for her guest which happened to be him so he wasn't stealing... at least, he didn't think he was. Screw it, the cops aren't going to arrest somebody over salad.

Just as he finished scraping the last of the salad from the first bowl into him mouth, he heard muted chatter from outside followed by heavy footsteps and someone entered the house. Speak of the devils. Here comes the police. 'He might as well meet them halfway' Steve thought to himself as he began walking for the door.

"About time you guys. Before you tase me, let me explain..." Steve stopped next to the armchair as two more ponies enter the house. Only difference was that these two looked like mirror images of each other. Both of them had bright white coats and piercing blue eyes. They were taller than the girl had been and had a lot more muscle by the looked of it. To top it off each one wore a set of golden armour that shone in the dim light of the house. "Seriously, More ponies? What the-" That was as far as Steve go before the two ponies went to tackle him to the ground.

For all the muscled they seemed to have, ironically, they didn't have much force behind them. If any at all. It was like having pillows thrown at him but instinct is a bitch and it was out of instinct that he backed up and that was his undoing. His foot caught onto the foot of armchair and he was sent wheeling back. He threw his hands back, looking for something to grasp onto but there was only air. "Oh shit!" Those were last words to leave Steve's mouth before his head made contact with the stone table. He was unconscious before he hit the floor.

Author's Note:

Well, this was most certainly one of my more casual stories. Don't you love it when you can make a character say anything because he's aussie. Three cheers for lack of social etiquette.

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Comments ( 5 )

(hasn't read it yet but thinks he's funnier than he is)

How will he handle his new surroundings as he searches for a way to get home?

He'll hit the nearest bar and drink a displaced Irishman under the table.
This sounds amusing. I'll add it to my 'Human Involvement' bookshelf and read it later. :twilightsmile:

Ah finally an Australian main character~!

Fucken rippa!!!
I'm not gonna lie he's definitely one of the more tame Aussies in the swearing category, but there is still time.
I knows its stereotype and shit but I kind of want to hear a "Crickey" or "Crack a tinny" somewhere. Just my thoughts, I'm staying tuned!

9185038
For the sake of censorship I'm trying to avoid the more traditional terms. He's Aussie through and through while steering clear of Bogan territory. It'll be interesting to see how he goes in this new G rated world.

9183666
Uh.... there is actually another story with an Aussie main character. It's called "I Come From A Land Down Under", I think.

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