Fallout: Equestria - Wasteland Bouquet

by Cascadejackal

Road Tripping

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"Mare who stands on toilet, is high on pot"
-Confused

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Sand. Sand everywhere. And some patches of dirt, but mostly sand. A few rocks, too, mixed in with all that sand, stretching in every direction as far as the eye could see. Featureless. Empty. Boring.

I threw my head back and screamed hysterically, making Ibis squawk and fluff himself up in surprise behind me. Ahead of me, Rose just kept trotting along happily, taking us deeper and deeper into the flank-end of Nowhere. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!" Desperate to be anywhere that had a population higher than our wagon, I snapped the reins against Rose's flank, getting a shocked whinny out of her as she bolted in response, the Serenity shaking as she hauled donkey. "CIVILISATION, HERE WE COME!"

---

"Feel better now?" Ibis asked, keeping his distance and giving me a funny look.

"Yep," I replied, lounging in the shade of a massive rock and surrounded by nice, soothing bags of caps and the tattered, empty remains of a few snack cake boxes. I gave the overgrown buzzard a content smile. "Much better."

"Good to hear," he muttered, approaching me slowly. "What the hell was that about, anyway?"

I just shrugged and rolled onto my back, looking up at the cloudy desert sky and enjoying the shade. "It's too quiet out here... speaking of quiet," I sat up again and looked around, curious, "where did Rose get to?"

Ibis blinked and looked around himself, apparently just realising Rose had vanished after being set free from the traces. "Rose?" He called out, "where are you?"

"Rose?!" I called out as well. "Get your flank out here already and... oh. There you are." I stared at her. "What's that?" Raising my hoof, I pointed at the thing she was gingerly holding in her mouth.

Rose carefully set the thing down and licked her lips before spitting something out and blinking at me. "It's a cactus, Lily. I found it."

"Oh. So it is," I said flatly, just a little confused by why she'd thought it necessary to bring us the hoofball-sized spikeball."And... you picked it up because..?"

She blinked at me again. "Because they have water in them and I'm thirsty."

Ibis stared at her with one eyebrow raised, looking bemused. "You know we've got plenty of water, right? And whiskey? And soda?"

Rose blinked at him for a change. "But I read that you have to conserve water, Ibis. That means not drinking it all, and eating a cactus gives you water." She looked down at the spiney watermelon for a moment, then back at Ibis, tilting her head to the side. "Ibis, can you cut it up for me?" She got a pained look on her face and licked her lips again. "It has prickers and they hurt my mouth."

Rolling his eyes, Ibis stepped forwards, pulling out his knife to slice the cactus up. I just watched him for the few seconds it took, trying to remember the desert survival stuff my parents had told me. When he was done, he stepped back and I moved up beside him.

"Y'know, I think I heard cactuses ain't good to eat," I remarked as Rose stuck her face into the tender, pale flesh of one cactus half, happily chomping and slurping away. "They make you loopy or something."

"I heard it was the kind that have flowers," Ibis supplied, watching Rose curiously. "I don't think that's one of them, though... and Rose seems to be fine so far."

"Guess you're right." I shrugged. "It's not like... she..." I trailed off as Rose sat up, smiling and smacking her lips together, looking pleased with herself for putting something from her books to real use. The cactus half had been reduced to an empty rind, stripped of all its juicy flesh.

"Cactus is very refreshing, Lily," Rose said happily. "Very thirst quenching." She beamed at us... then froze, her ears twitching as she stared blankly at us, her eyes going huge.

"Rose," I said cautiously, "you okay?"

In response, she picked up the un-eaten cactus half and waggled her free hoof at it. "Eat cactus. It will quench you." She held it out to me. "Nothing is quenchier, Lily." Losing her balance, she faceplanted into the sand, wiggling around like a worm. "It's the quenchiest!" She rolled back to her hooves, staggered, then grabbed and presented me with the uneaten half again.

"I... think that's enough cactus for you, Rose." Sceptical, I grabbed the cactus in my magic and tossed it away, not really wanting to trip tits like Rose was. Speaking of Rose, she'd gotten distracted and was staring intently at Ibis. For his part, Ibis was staying perfectly still, despite fluffing himself up in alarm.

"Who lit my boyfriend on fire?" Rose asked, completely serious.

I facehoofed. "Rose, you are-ACK!" I had a coughing fit, and so did Ibis, when a sudden cloud of sand and dust whipped over us. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" I yelled, spitting out grit.

"Over there," Ibis replied, pointing into the distance where a large mushroom-shaped cloud was rising.

"What is it? Balefire?" I asked, a feeling of dread creeping up my spine at the thought of someone flinging balefire eggs around, even miles away like it seemed to be.

"No," Ibis answered, shaking his head. "Not balefire. Looks like sand or dirt, not smoke. Must be-"

"It's a giant mushroom!!" Rose declared in an awed tone, cutting Ibis off and keeping me from finding out what the griffin thought it was. "Maybe it's friendly, Lily!" Plonking her plot in the sand, she stuck her front hooves in the air and started swaying side-to-side, staring at the cloud in delight. "Friendly mushroom! Mushy giant friend!"

I stared at my deranged flutterpony sister, giving her a flat look despite her complete disconnection from everything around her. "Rose, you are seriously off your face right now. Why don't you-"

"Incoming!" Ibis yelled, diving out of the way. I glanced upwards, seeing a dark shape flying towards us from the direction of the cloud.

"FUCK!" I yelped, diving under the Serenity as fast as I could, hearing something big and heavy land behind me and throwing up a blinding cloud of dust and sand.

It took almost a minute for it to clear and, coughing my lungs out, I staggered back into the open. "What... the hell... was that?!" I weezed.

Ibis beat his wings a few times, clearing the air so that we could see... "Is that a fridge?" Ibis said, staring in disbelief at what had almost hit us.

"Uh-huh," I replied, utterly bewildered. There was a large fridge embedded a good hoof or so in the ground, right where Rose had been sitting. Rose," I called out uncertainly, "you still alive?"

The only response was a knocking from inside the fridge. Sharing a bewildered look, me and Ibis approached slowly, before the griffin knocked on the fridge door. It was answered by some more bangs from inside. Looking to me and shrugging, he grabbed the handle and we both braced ourselves as he pulled it open...

Rose stumbled out, unfazed and unconcerned by being smashed by a mystery fridge, still off her face on cactus juice. As she fell over, giggling to herself, me and Ibis looked at each other, completely confused.

Finally, I asked the question that had to have been on both our minds: "Where did Rose get a fedora?"

Author's Note:

Next chapter, we return to the story proper! Until then, enjoy your early present, folks!

Yes, this is a joke chapter.

Comments

[Reese]

"Yes, this is a joke chapter."
You don't say? :D

[ChaosDX1]

I do recall once hearing an expression of "Drank the cactus juice." It makes sense now.

[Cascadejackal]

6752529 I shamelessly stole borrowed was inspired by this:

Gotta love some Avatar.

And the part at 1:01 here, which it won't go to automatically for some reason.

6752496 Just making sure it was clear. I honestly thought about making it canon, for a whole entire minute, before I came to my senses.

[ChaosDX1]

6753194 Ah yes, that might have been where I heard the phrase. Not sure.

And yeah, I got the Indiana Jones reference. There's another similar reference in Fallout: New Vegas if you have "Wild Wasteland" turned on. There's a fridge containing a skeleton wearing a fedora just like the one Rose found.

[Snowy Knight]

Awwww you are teasing us :((

[Peaceful Treasure]

Joke Chapter.

I'm not entirely sure about that. Joke aside, this was well done as usual, and a great way to waste time mid class. I'm a star student. Honest!

[Lancerlot]

At this point, are there any chapters that are NOT joke chapters?