Fallout: Equestria - Wasteland Bouquet

by Cascadejackal

The Heist

---The Heist ---

"A spy? How did they know? Ah! Must have noticed my night vision goggles. Ooh! Night vision-y!"

---

"The vault at the Manehattan First Equestrian Bank." I tapped my hoof on the floorplan spread out on our table. "If I'm reading this right, and I like to think I am, we're looking at the most secure bank in the city." With a flourish and a grin, I plonked another, larger sheet of paper onto the first and unrolled it, along with the other, more detailed scrolls that were in it. "And the plans to break in."

Ibis let out a low whistle as he examined the two-century-old schematics, blueprints and plans, then gave me a sidelong look. "Where'd you get these?"

"Oh, y'know... nowhere." I just shrugged and tried to look innocent, but couldn't really be bothered to hide my growing grin. Ibis' look turned skeptical, so I let out a huff and rolled my eyes. "Fine. Traded for it. Satisfied?"

"Yeah, but now I've got a better question." Ibis muttered as he gave the stuff a closer look, before pushing some of it over to Rose, who immediately latched onto it as something new to read. Then he looked up at me, frowning. "Why the hell did you want these?"

My grin just grew as I folded my hooves on the table and leaned towards my soon-to-be partners in crime. "Because we're gonna rob ourselves a bank."

---

I held my breath and watched my Pipbuck, counting down the seconds. Outside the bathroom stall I was in, I could hear the Ponitron whirring as it guarded the door. Just another minute... come on, Rose...

---

"So, let's go over this one more time." I said before lifting the bottlecap that was meant to be me and putting it on the floorplan of the lobby, then putting a rusted bolt next to it. "I'll talk my way in. Word around the scavenger teams is, most of the security is handled by the Ponitron-" Rose held up her hoof and started to ask a question. I rolled my eyes and cut her off. "Yes, Rose, that's a robot pony, and I know you don't like them. That's why I'm the one going in the front, remember?"

Rose blinked and nodded. Once I was sure she wouldn't interrupt again, I continued. "There's just one Ponitron, but there's ceiling mounted security guns in the lobby and the high security areas, so nopony's been able to get in too far in." I smirked and tossed my mane. "I'll be getting that out of the way, though."

"You really think you can bluff a machine into letting you in?" Ibis asked, looking skeptical again.

"The plans say we can," Rose remarked, pulling the sheet of paper with the Ponitron info on it over to herself. She looked at it for a second, the tapped her hoof on the part she'd been looking for. "See? It says right here. The robot pony has to help us as long as we're not out-of-bounds or being bad." She blinked at us. "It has customer service programming. Lily, what's customer service?"

I waved my hoof at her dismissively. "That's when you service customers, Rose."

She blinked at me and cocked her head to the side. "Like those mares who ask Ibis if he wants sex?" She frowned. " I don't like those mares. Ibis is my boyfriend, not theirs."

Groaning, I facehoofed. "Rose, you dummy, that's the wrong kinda service."

She blinked again. "Oh. That's good. I was wondering why you were going to have sex with a robot. Do robots even have the right bits?" She cocked her head to the side again, looking confused.

Instead of dignifying her stupid question, I let my head drop onto the table with a thunk and a groan.

Ibis frowned at the paper, then at me, ignoring Rose being wierd for now. "So how're you gonna convince it to let you in and leave the lobby?"

I raised my head and smirked before lifting the cap and bolt in my magic and moving them both down a hallway, away from the lobby and to an out-of-the-way room.
"I'm gonna tell it I need the loo."

---

There was a low rumble from somewhere else in the building and the lights flickered for a moment. The whirring outside the stall door grew louder and the Ponitron spoke, its crackly, vaguely feminine voice filled with static. "Ma'am, please complete your business and prepare to vacate the premises."

Right on time, Rose, I thought to myself. Out loud, though, I called "One moment!" A second later there was another rumble and the lights flickered again, this time staying off for several seconds before coming back on. Before the ponitron could repeat itself, I shoved the door open and emerged from the stall, trying to look frightened. "Goodness me, this is so frightening!" I hammed it up as much as I could, playing the scared civilian while the mechanical mare stared at me passively with the large, glowing visor that served for its eyes. "I do hope I'm safe here! I barely had time to wipe!"

"Everything is under control, ma'am." The ponitron crackled at me. "Please vacate the premises. You may return during business hours to complete your transaction."

"Alright, alright, I'm going." I huffed before leaving the bathroom and stepping into the hall, the buckless bot following me.

---

I floated a bullet casing onto the table, setting it on another part of the plan. "We need to take out the guns, though. Rose, you're sure they're powered from here?" Rose nodded and I grinned. "Then they're yours." I moved the casing, showing her the route she'd have to take. "The plan says you can get to the transformer room throught the sewer, then into the bank from there. It looks like there's a few doors, but you know what to do if they're locked, right?"

Rose nodded again and tapped her hooves on the table with a small smile. "I break them down."

"Yep." I kept moving the casing until it was in the right area. "Get in there, and take it out."

She blinked at me. "Can I blow it up?"

I grinned at her. "Whatever you want. Just make sure they won't come back on." She perked up, looking eager at the chance to blow something to pieces.

---

I trotted into the lobby, the ponitron clanking and whirring as it followed, escorting me to the exit. I glanced up at the ceiling and smirked; a couple of panels were hanging open, with nasty looking beam guns dangling out of them, completely powerless... and completely useless.

I'd barely made it halfway to the door when a pair of thunderous gunshots sounded from behind me, followed instantly by the sounds of tearing metal and an iron pony toppling over. Rubbing my ears to try and stop the ringing, I turned and frowned as Ibis approached, Garden trained on the now ruined and sparking ponitron. "Fuck, that thing's loud."

---

"You remember what you're doing, Ibis?" I asked, batting my eyelashes at him. He scowled at me.

"Of course I do. You distract the guard, Rose blows out the power, and when the guns are taken care of I get inside." A shotgun shell was deposited on the plan next, right in the lobby. "When you come out, I turn the robot into scrap." I nodded, moved the bolt and cap back into the lobby and towards the door, then knocked the bolt over.

"Exactly. Then, we go this way," I moved the cap and shell through a few corridors and down a staircase, to what was marked as a security door, "and meet up with Rose." The casing joined the cap and shell.

---

The metal door, already bent out of shape from a heavy pounding before we'd even gotten there, caved and gave way under a final buck from the other side, flying across the hallway and leaving a mark on the opposite wall before hitting the floor with a heavy thud. I was glad we'd been standing clear, under another of the disabled sentry guns that was hanging down, and not in the way.

A moment later Rose came trotting through the doorway, looking pleased as punch at the trail of wreckage she'd almost definitely left behind... and smouldering slightly, whisps of smoke curling off her mane and tail.

I facehoofed. "Dammit Rose, you only had to blow the generator up, not yourself."

---

"Ooh, ooh! I know what comes next!" Rose sat up, wanting her turn at showing she remembered the plan. When I motioned for her to continue, she pointed at the schematic. "We all go downstairs, there's a big door in the way, and I get to go through the vents into the security room to open it." She smiled, looking proud of herself.

Ibis ran his claw across the map, following the ventilation shafts. "Well, at least we're not in a Stable filled with ghouls this time. It'll be dark in there, though. Lot of branches... not much room to take a light in... you sure you won't get lost?"

"Nuh-uh." Rose shook her head. "I like the dark, Ibis. I'm not a scaredypony like Lily. And I can remember the map."

"Speaking of the dark, I've got something for you, Rose." With a smirk, I floated one of the other things I'd gotten while trading out of my bag and dropped it on the table. "Just in case."

Rose squealed in delight and snatched the goggles up, pulling them on and pressing the switch on the side. "Ooh, night vision-y!"

---

"I can't believe this is actually working," Ibis muttered as we watched Rose squirm her way into the vent, wearing nothing but her night vision goggles so she could actually fit. Even then, she almost got stuck when her butt couldn't quite make it through the opening, but a quick yank on her tail with my magic encouraged her to get a move on. Properly motivated, she quickly vanished from sight.

"Of course it's working," I said proudly, puffing my chest out as me and Ibis settled down beside the large, reinforced door to wait. "It's my plan."

"Your plan?" Ibis scoffed. "Some prewar crook came up with it, you're just using it."

I glared at him. "Hey, I'm using it, so it's my plan. Got a problem with that?"

He looked away from me, watching the bulletproof glass window opposite the door. "Just that you're risking a lot on some two hundred year old plan."

I snorted and joined him in looking though the glass. There was no movement in the security office on the other side, and the door into the room was so heavy duty even Rose wouldn't have been able to break it down. Which was why she was in the vents, obviously. "Not my fault the world ended before they could go through with it. Besides, it's worked so far, hasn't it?"

Ibis snorted and fluffed himself up, but didn't respond, so I just switched on my Pipbuck's radio to chill out while Rose ran the maze.

A few minutes later, the vent cover in the security room was ripped out of the wall, and a very dusty Rose was randomly hitting buttons until both doors had opened up. She came out, beaming with satisfaction, her goggles pushed up under her horn. "I did it, Lily!"

---

"From there, it's a straight shot to the vault," I moved the tokens along the map, down the hallway and into the vault, "and we'll all be rich!"

"Hang on," Ibis said, studying one of the blueprints. "What about the vault door? We won't be able to open it." He tapped his claw on the paper. "Says here it needs two keys from the managers and a code to get in." He reached over and pulled another print-out across the table. "They copied the keys, but the code changed daily, so they would've had to get it when they went in." He frowned. "No code, no access."

I grinned again and gave Rose a knowing look. "I think we know somepony who can handle it."

---

The entire building shook and the corridor outside the security room was filled with dust. Even in the security room, where we'd taken shelter, we were all coughing our lungs out. "F-fuck me!" I shook my head, snorting to clear my nose. "I think you opened it, Rose!" I coughed again and thumped Rose on the whithers to stop her from choking.

Rose spat out the slimy, slobber-soaked detonator she'd almost swallowed and gave me a pained look. "Ow... Lily, detonators aren't very tasty."

Ibis beat his wings a few times, clearing the air around us. "Just how much did you use, Rose?" He asked, looking incredulous.

Rose just blinked at him and showed us her now-empty box of explosives. "All of it. It was a big door." At that, Ibis faceclawed.

---

"After that, it's just a short walk in, a short walk out, and we're rich as princesses." I sat back with a smug grin.

Rose and Ibis looked at each, then my plan, then Ibis shrugged. "Might be worth it, if the plan works out."

---

"I guess it all worked out," Ibis said once he got over the shock of what was behind the now missing vault door.

I bounded into the vault, my eyes going wide as my greatest dreams came true. Bits. Gold. Gems. Shiny things! Enough that I could buy Tenpony Tower for myself! The room was filled with riches! I grabbed Rose and Ibis in my magic and threw them onto it before diving in myself, emerging with a shiny new crown perched on my head. I cheered and threw hooffulls of bits into the air, ignoring Rose and Ibis having a victory snog. "MONEY PAR-"

---

"Don't say it!" Twilight Sparkle cried out, before sheepishly withdrawing her hoof from the mouth of the now glaring Princess Luna. "Hehe... sorry, Luna."

"And what, Twilight Sparkle, was that about?" The Lunar Princess said darkly, before taking a long drink of her soda to get the taste of hoof from her mouth. "Bah. Thy hooves taste of ink and paper."

Twilight blushed and looked around cautiously before speaking, keeping her voice low. "Don't say the P word!"

"Ah." Realisation dawned and Luna, too, glanced around the room. "Yes. The Pink One. We had almost forgotten her... affection for that word." Her eyes came to rest on the third alicorn in the room. "Must thou persist with such shipping, Niece Cadance?"

Princess Cadance had the grace to look embarrassed, caught as she was in the act of making the little unicorn and griffin figurines kiss. Again. She slowly set them down on the hoof-drawn map. Next to each other of course. "But they're so sweet together!" Trapped by the amused gazes of both Twilight Sparkle and Luna, she fluffed her wings up and tried to look regal. "Princess of Love, remember?!"

For all of ten seconds, there was silence, before the three alicorns burst out laughing.

"We... We believe it is time to call an end to this night's session." Luna said once she got herself back under control, smiling at her cohorts. "It is thy turn to host our games next, Twilight Sparkle." She gestured with one silver-shod hoof at the scattered detritus around them, empty soda bottles, ruined popcorn buckets and countless candybar wrappers that had fallen prey to the trio of mares. "Mayhaps thou can source sufficient vittles, and craft an adventure to match Our own!"

"Of course!" Twilight said happily. "I borrowed one of Shiny's old books-" Whatever she meant to say next was muffled by the popcorn bucket Cadance had plonked over her head.

"Never change, Twilight," Cadance giggled.

"Indeed," Luna said between giggles. "Then, let Us make it official, that this night's adventure of the Wasteland Bouquet hath drawn to a close! Huzzah!" She raised her hoof and cheered.

"YAY!" Cadance echoed, raising her hoof to meet Luna's before grabbing the unicorn and griffin figures in her magic and making them smooch again while the other Princesses were distracted.

"GRMPH!" Twilight let out her own muffled cheer, her hoof searching for a moment before meeting the other two in a three-way hoof-bump.

Author's Note:

Warning: Gag chapter! Not to be taken seriously.
Thought I'd give you guys something to read while I work on the next proper chapter. Enjoy.

Comments

[Winter Storm]

7/10 not enough drills breaking

i.imgur.com/JD4yqUK.png

[Reese]

Not to be taken seriously? You don't say!
That ending! :D

[Peaceful Treasure]

*Urge to rob a bank intensifies*
Cascade, wanna help? Come on, it'll be fun!
This was incredible, I absolutely loved it! Perhaps in the future you could turn it into a full side fiction, if you so desired. Can't wait to see the next "Proper" chapter; implying there's anything of the sort with the lovable trio

[Snowy Knight]

I'm just hoping lily will join rose and ibis with their sexy time.

[Cascadejackal]

6452632 Great to hear! It gets better from here on out.