• Published 29th Jun 2012
  • 3,205 Views, 375 Comments

Fallout: Equestria - Wasteland Bouquet - Cascadejackal

There's a lot of stories in the Equestrian Wasteland, and they all need to be told.

  • ...

Bugging Out

--- Bugging Out ---

"Friendship is Butts Magic"

I laughed nervously, looking around for Rose and Ibis, hoping they'd show up and save me. "Um... guys? Look, this all just a misunder-"

"SILENCE!" The biggest stallion of the lot bellowed, stomping towards me through the crowd with a maniacal look in his eyes. "You dared to invade our sanctum, and for that you will pay!"

"Can I just say somethi-" I paled at the murderous glare the painted, feathery headress wearing stallion gave me. "Shuttingupnow."

The monster pony snorted disdainfully and turned away, addressing his... tribe? Cult? Bunch of whackjobs? Feather wearing freaks? "Brothers! Sisters! This infidel dared to intrude on our most holy of sites, to steal our most priceless relic!" While he was distracted, I squirmed, trying to loosen the ropes around my legs so I could escape. Spread-eagled is not a comfortable way to be tied up! "What shall be done with her?"

Almost... nearly... fuck me, those ponies could tie knots. I wasn't making any progress! Not that the chanting was helping! Did I mention that the crazies had started chanting? Not a big chant, though; just one word.


One really unpleasant word. If I wasn't sure Rose and Ibis were about to crash in and save me, I might've even been scared!

The leader reared up, spreading his forelegs wide. "As you say! Our lord, Pill'Oh, Bringer of Deepest Dreams, hungers for a sacrifice!" He held his forelegs up, raising his voice, "and this foolish mare will surely please him! A virgin sacrifice for the Holy One!"

"WHOA! HEY!" I cried out, struggling as much as I could to get free. "Hold on a second!"

"You dare speak again, worm?!" The stallion dropped to all fours and whirled, pressing his face to mine. I could smell how angry he was... or it was just his breath.

Gagging at the stink, I managed to choke out "I"m not a virgin, dammit!" Any time now, Rose!

The stallion, priest, whatever, stared at me in obvious disbelief. "Not a..."

I nodded frantically, still struggling. "Yep! Not a virgin! Did it with a guy and everything! Did I mention the sex? Because that's what we did!"

"HAH!" The stallion snorted and laughed. "Lying will not save you, fool. No stallion would lay with one so homely."

"HOMELY?!" I screeched, wanting to get free just so I could beat the prick within an inch of his life. "I AM THE SEXIEST DAMN MARE IN THE WHOLE DAMN WASTELA-GMFF!" My outrage was silenced when the tasteless bastard shoved a scap of cloth in my mouth, but I kept up with the muffled screaming and death glares.

The stallion looked up at the altar beside me, the thing I'd been after sitting on top of it proudly. "Oh mighty Pill'Oh! Take this mare, and bless us with your divine vision! Grant her peaceful rest, that we may share in your gift!" He extended one hoo, another pony giving him his weapon. "We give you a virgin sacrifice!"

Indignant, I swore as much as I could around the gag, the crowd chanting "Sacrifice!" over and over again as the high priest swung his weapon above me, wooshing it past my face.

"Now, great Pill'Oh! Accept our humble offering and-"

Suddenly, the roof collapsed, dropping something white and red into the thick of the cult. There was a lot of yelling, falling ceiling tiles, and then ponies started to fly away from the impact site, feathers and screams filling the air as they went hurtling in every direction. I craned my neck to see what was going on, but all I could make out was someone steadily approaching, brawling their way towards me with a series of muffled thumps and thuds.

In no time at all, Rose emerged from the fluffy chaos, leaping out of the crowd and right for me... and the high priest, who let out a snarl of rage and readied his weapon... only for Rose to land on his head and knock him clean out.

Not caring who she was standing on, Rose tilted her head to the side and blinked at me. "Lily, why are you tied up?"

"Gmmfl mrrmble!" I mumbled, shaking my head. After a couple seconds of confused staring, Rose got a clue and pulled the gag out of my mouth. I spat, trying to get rid of the taste, and glared at my sister. "Great timing, Rose. But... can you untie me now?!" She just blinked again and started chewing on the ropes keeping me still. Her determined munching soon triumphed over feeble cloth and I sprung to my hooves with a triumph cry. "FREEDOM!"

Rose cocked her head to the other side. "Did you find it, Lily?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, it's right over here." I took a second to get myself together, then looked up at the display stand looming over us. There, at the very top, was the only Sweet Dreams Pillow ever made, said to be stuffed with the feathers of Princess Luna Herself. I lit my horn and pulled it down, ripping the package off and burying my face in the impossibly soft fluffiness with a cackle. "Mine! All mine! Bwahahaha!" I pulled my face away from the heavenly pillow (guaranteed to bring nothing but good dreams!) and found Rose staring at me and looking quite bemused.

"Lily, can we go now? Ibis is waiting for us outside."

"Erm... alright." I coughed and hopped off the dirty old bed I'd been tied to, following Rose back across the bedding store to the exit. The crazy cultists were groaning and twitching, their plush "armor" protecting them from the worst of Rose's violent streak, but they weren't in any state to stop us.

In not time at all, we found ourselves emerging, blinking, into the late afternoon light, Ibis waving at us from across the street. I breathed a sigh of relief as he swooped over to land beside us. "You get it?"

"Eeyup" I affirmed, burying my face into my prize once more. I'd already fallen in love with it.

Ibis just gave me a doubtful look. "All that, for a pillow?"

I glared at him over top of Lady Fluffington (as I'd named my precious new pillow). "Not just a pillow. The pillow. Stuffed with divine feathers, filled with magic of dreams and stuff!" He snorted. I glared at him. "Just because you don't have one-"

"AAAAAAIEEEEE!" Enraged screaming interrupted me, all three of us turning to look back into the store just in time to see the high priest leap out, swinging his weapon right for Rose. We didn't have time to react before he hit.

Rose blinked, feathers flying everywhere from the pillow skewered on her horn. The high priest was screaming something about infidels and blasphemers. Me and Ibis just stared at the ridiculous scene. Rose blinked again, then again, her muzzle scrunching up as feathers tickled it. Recognising an incoming sneeze, I made sure I was well out of range. I'd learned my lesson about getting in the way of Rose's sneezes! Ugh, that stuff was hard to clean out of my mane!

Sure enough, Rose, completely ignoring the foaming-at-the-mouth pony screaming at her, let out an almighty sneeze... and exploded in a shower of green sparks and flames.

"CELESTIA'S GOLDEN TITS!" I shrieked, falling backwards and trying to protect my pillow while blinking away the spots in my vision. Next to me, Ibis was thrashing around, trying to extinguish his smoking wingtips. After a few seconds, I managed to sit up, hugging my pillow tight to my barrel and peering through the cloud of burnt feathers and fluff falling around Rose and the priest.

Suddenly, the priest bolted past me like his tail was on fire (it was), screaming like a filly about demon mares or something, his bathrobe flapping as he ran.

"Um, Rose?" I called out hesitatly, peering through the fluffy carnage at the blackened shape at its heart. "You, uh... you okay? You kinda... exploded.."

"I feel funny, Lily," came Rose's reply, her voice shaky. "I think my mane is gone."

Ibis groaned and sat up, fluffing his singed feathers. "It can't be that bad. Come on, let's look at it."

I chuckled at the thought of Rose being bald. "C'mon, sis! Let's see your new manecut!" I kept snickering... until she approached, the scorched fuzz finally done falling. Then my jaw dropped in shock. "Guh."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Ibis staring as well. He looked like I felt!

The... thing blinked at us, its solid blue eyes flicking from Ibis to me and back again. When it spoke, I saw the giant, sharp fangs sticking out and swallowed nervously. "Is my mane gone?" It sounded just like Rose!

"Gah... muh... you..."

It cocked its head and stared at me, confused. "Lily, you're being strange again." Something buzzed behind it and I leaned to the side, just a bit, morbid curiosity forcing me to see what was there.

It was wings. Big, buzzy, shiny wings, like an overgrown bug. They were sticking out of the big, shiny greenish plate on the thing's back, bright against its black, glossy, shell-like body.

Something pinged loose in my brain when I realised what I was looking at it. It blinked at me again. "Lily? Are you okay?"

"Ehehe... heh..." I chuckled, feeling hairs in my mane spring loose. "That's, um, that's you, right, Rose?" My coat stood on end as it stared at me, with its giant buggy eyes, giving me the heeby jeebies.

"Ibis, I think Lily has gone crazy." It took a hesitant step towards me. Ibis didn't react, just stared at it blankly. "Lily, I need to fix you again. Please don't go any more crazy." It took another step forwards with its black, hole-filled leg, and I shrieked at the top of my lungs.

"BUG!" I grabbed Ibis in my magic and threw him at my newly buggified sister as hard as I could before legging it at top speed to get away, my face buried in my new pillow to keep it from hearing my terrified screams and following me.

At least the pillow kept me from getting knocked out when I ran into the wall! See?! Good pillow!

I lay there, staring up at the clouds above and hoping the throbbing pain in my head was because I'd been knocked out and dreamt the whole thing. Then Bug-Rose's face came into view, blinking down at me with the familiar, if less fluffy, blank expression. "Lily, you went more crazy. Please don't do that."

I just groaned and covered my face with my pillow. "Rose... are you a bug now?"

I couldn't see her, but I got the feeling she blinked at me again. "Um, yes? Lily, why am I a bug?"

I groaned again. "Because the Goddesses hate me. That's why."

"Oh." There was a pause, then "Do you think Ibis will like my wings? I have wings now."

"Why don't you ask him?"

Another pause, but when Rose answered this time she sounded a little annoyed. "He's asleep, Lily. You threw him at me too hard. Lily, why did you throw him at me?"

Third time was the charm. I buried my face in my pillow and groaned as loud as I could, only stopping when I heard Rose's hooves clacking on the concrete, then stop a short distance away. I dared a peek; she was sitting next to Ibis and poking him with her creepy bug hoof. I shuddered and let the pillow fall back over my eyes.
It really was a soft pillow.
Totally worth it.

Author's Note:

In case it's not clear, this is a gag chapter.:rainbowlaugh:
Hope everyone's having some fun this April Fool's day.:trollestia:

Sadly, I wasn't able to go through with the big prank I'd had planned.:ajsleepy: Originally, I'd planned to do a "fake" hardcover print run of the first volume of Wasteland Bouquet (really a single copy, to see how feasible a full production run would be and maybe give it away afterwards) and some custom blindbag figures of the gang.
I couldn't find a local place that would print, not publish, and I couldn't get the paints I'd need to do the figures properly.:fluttershysad:
And, y'know, it would've been a bit mean instead of just being funny.:facehoof:

Oh, well. I guess I can still do it, just not as a prank. I just need to find the time to sort it all out.:twilightblush: But until then, proper update soon, and don't forget to hug a bug.:trollestia: