• Published 29th Jun 2012
  • 3,206 Views, 375 Comments

Fallout: Equestria - Wasteland Bouquet - Cascadejackal

There's a lot of stories in the Equestrian Wasteland, and they all need to be told.

  • ...

The End of The World As We Know It


Part: The One And Only

This is a gag chapter. Not to be taken internally.

"First mate Jacknife, any sign of our prey?"

"No, Cap'n No-Beard! She's as elusive as ever!"

"Then stop yer bouncin' and keep looking!" I, the dread pirate No-Beard Lily, scourge of the big wet thing, straightened my fierce hat and glared at my hyperactive first mate, trying to intimidate her into doing something constructive for a change. It didn't work very well. "And for Luna's sake, you only get one hat!" The young mare, a former native of the port of Little Fillydelphia, had her usual red hat and, on top of that one, another hat; the ones we all got on graduating Pirate Academy.

Yes, Pirate Academy is a thing.

"Aye aye, cap'n!" She bounced to the edge of our ship, the mighty Wooden Waffle, and cast her ferocious pirate hat into the wind, letting it soar away into the distance, probably to reach the mainland and eventually hit someone in the face.

Scowling (because it was the pirate-y thing to do), I stomped across the deck as our ship rocked in the swell, waves crashing against our hull, keeping careful watch for the fell beast that haunted the seas: The Great White Flank.

For untold days, we had sailed the seas in search of it, hunting the greatest known prey in the world. It was a quest for glory, for booty, and revenge.

I set my front hooves on the railing that had kept my bosun, Rose, and our cook, Ibis, from rolling overboard during their frequent drinking sessions, and shouted to the seas. "I will have my vengeance, you foul thing! For what you did, there can be no forgiveness!"

As if in answer to my challenge, the skies darkened, clouds growing thick and angry as the sea grew ever rougher and I knew, without a doubt, that my prey was near.

"Booty off the port bow, cap'n!" At Jacknife's cry, I ran back and forth across the ship, frantically trying to remember what side was the bow and which end was the port.



Figuring it was better to be safe than sorry, I just ran up beside Jacknife and looked where she was pointing. My breath caught at the majesty, the beauty, the sheer size of the thing that breached the water, purest white and trailing an ephemeral flash of color behind it. "By Luna's velvety flank... BRACE FOR IMPACT!"

Jacknife and I wrapped our hooves around the railing and I could only hope that the rest of the crew was safe below decks as the beast struck the surface of the ocean, sending waves so fierce I feared they would capsize our ship. The towering walls of water smashed against us, but the Wooden Waffle stood strong in the face of adversity. We passed through the waves, steering on a steady course straight for our target, when I turned to Jacknife and, with as stoic an expression as I could muster, asked her one simple question. "Who's steering this thing?"

Her eyes widened and she ran for the wheel, grabbing hold and trying to control what was now uncontrollable, our vessel being pulled inexorably towards the creature, drawn in by the size of it as it splashed and thrashed, turning the once-calm sea into a malestrom which promised only doom.

With no other choice, I roared for the rest of the crew. "Rose! Ibis! It's time!"

First to the deck was Ibis, proudly wearing his angry hat and eyepatch. He'd majored in looking scary, so he got the angry hat when we graduated. Close behind him was Rose. She'd majored in being artillery, so she didn't get a hat.

The pair were by my side in a flash, saluting as I raised my hoof and pointed at the behemoth before us, jiggling and swaying, bouncing up and down in an obscene display. "Prepare the harpoon!"

With another salute, Rose pulled a suction-cup hat out of nowhere and plonked it securely on her head before leaping into Ibis' arms, the griffin spreading his wings and leaning back dramatically, waiting for my order.


Rose was hurled through the air like a javelin and I watched passively as she flew. Her path was true, Ibis' aim deadly, and, as she struck home, I whispered. "There can be only one full moon this night."


Princess Celestia, Ruler of The Day and Goddess of The Sun, turned her graceful neck to look first at the suction-cup tipped dart sticking to her cutie mark, then at her sister. "Lulu, the royal baths are not a place for you to play."

Princess Luna, Ruler of The Night and Goddess of The Moon, smirked and gave her toy pirate ship a push, watching it bob and float in the enormous bath reservered solely for the Royal Sisters. "Nor are they a place for dancing, sister. Thy flank makes a merry target, with the way thou shakesth it."

The pale princess sighed and shook her head, splashing some water at her sister with a small smile. "This is the only place I can dance, Lulu, and you know that. The nobles would be mortified if I were to participate in any of their balls."

The dark princess smirked again and loaded another dart into the small cannon on her ship. "Tia, my dear sister... Since my return, I have learned something very important." She fired the cannon again, sticking the sucky-dart on the end of her sister's muzzle. "There is a place anypony can go to dance. It's called a nightclub."

And then they went clubbing.


Author's Note:

This was a joke chapter, so please don't hate me for it! I only wrote it to help get over my writer's block and celebrate the world not ending, honest! ^_^
There's an actual chapter in the works, and I'll probably delete this sorry excuse for a joke when I finish it.

By popular demand, this chapter's staying. :twilightsheepish: