• Published 1st Nov 2016
  • 2,281 Views, 16 Comments

Equestria At Six - Enigmatic Otaku



The mane six report the news. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

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Lights, Camera, Oops...

Author's Note:

If you like the story, then consider supporting Max and or myself on Patreon.
Max's: https://www.patreon.com/MadMaxtheBlack
Mine: https://www.patreon.com/EnigmaticOtaku

“Whoa there, go easy on the powder,” Twilight coughed, waving a hoof in front of her face. The intern backed off, a small blush touching her cheeks. She was relatively new and a little overly ambitious, but so far she was doing a fine job. The same could be said for the rest of the staff. Twilight’s black suit was cleaned and pressed (the stuffed shoulder pads sitting at a perfect ninety degree angle), the catering was set up, and a few of the other interns were walking busily to and fro within the studio, running wires and checking the equipment.

Everypony was in a frantic rush, as they only had five minutes before airing.

“Thank you, I think that’s enough,” said Twilight, gesturing for the mare to stop. After easing into her chair, and checking her appearance with a pocket mirror, Twilight sighed contently, pulled out a pair of glasses, placed them over her muzzle, and then took in her surroundings. With only a quick glance, she could tell that something was out of place.

Or, more precisely, somepony.

“Um, anypony seen Pinkie?” she asked, a hint of worry creeping into her voice.

From nearby, an intern popped her head out from behind a row of monitors, her headset slightly askew. “Last I saw, she was getting her equipment ready. I believe she’s already out in the field.”

“But we don’t even know where we need her yet,” Twilight said, bewildered. “How does she… you know what, never mind. It’s Pinkie. She’ll figure something out.” Smoothing out the non-existent creases in her suit, Twilight took a deep breath and tried to calm her growing nervousness. She reached up and touched her ear piece, double-checking that it was still present and still turned on.

“Oh relax, darling,” said Rarity, who was reclining in her chair and currently flocked on all sides by powder puffs and brushes that were suspended in a cloud of magic. Not her magic though. No, for she was surrounded by a group of interns who were fawning over her. That, combined with the sliced cucumbers over her eyes, one would think that she was being pampered while on vacation. The only real indication that she was there to work was the white dress she had on complete with burgundy sash and neckerchief.

“Pinkie’s inexplicably come through before,” she continued. “Why would now be any different?”

“Three minutes, ladies,” announced the stage manager quickly, leaving just as fast as he had shown up.

“Oh, three minutes!?” yelped Fluttershy, her eyes widening. Dancing on her hooves for a second, she then rushed to fit her legs through her jacket’s sleeves. Luckily, she didn’t have to struggle for very long before two staff hands showed up to help. One to lace her pink tie and straighten her gray suit, and the other to neatly brush her mane into a presentable manner. Once that was done, they left without so much as a word. “Oh, um...t-thank you?”

Leaning back in her chair with her back hooves atop her desk, and dressed in a smart, brown sports jacket, Applejack raised the rim of her hat from over her eyes and whistled. “Huh, now that’s service. Shoot, Ah bet ya’d just have tah think about bein’ thirsty and them ponies would—” As if on cue, an intern appeared by her side and a glass of water was placed on the table in front of her. Applejack stared at it. “Huh, well, water’s nice, Ah guess… but Ah was actually thinkin’ more along the lines of…” The water was quickly replaced with apple juice.

“There we go,” Applejack grinned before grabbing the glass and downing its contents. “Anyways, ya don’t have tah thank them, Fluttershy. It’s their job. They’ll do this for a few months and then move on tah the next best thang.”

“Uh, excuse me, AJ? I am the next best thing!” said Rainbow. Dressed in a snappy red sports blazer, she preened a little as a group of interns flocked about her. “These guys are awesome! Though, I suppose they can be a little—hey, watch the hooves!” She yelped, pulling her hoof out of the intern’s magic. “Grabby…”

“Well, as much as you all seem to be enjoying this,” Twilight said. “I’d like to remind you that we are here on an important task from Princess Celestia herself, and not—” she looked to Rarity, “—on vacation.”

“‘Course,” answered Applejack with a nod. “But uh, why us again? Don’t they have professionals for this sort of thing?”

“Because—”

“Thirty seconds, ladies!”

“Oh poo, and I was so looking forward to a facial scrub,” Rarity pouted, removing her cucumber slices and eating them as her little entourage dispersed. "Oh well. I suppose it’s places for us.”

With so little time left, the five mares quickly moved to their designated spots. Each had an individual desk, all of which were positioned in a semi-circle within the enclosed space. Behind each desk was a unique backdrop, chosen specifically for each mare. The backdrops acted similarly to walls, and near the center of the makeshift hemisphere rested a camera on a swivel manned by a staff mare.

With the studio lights dimming, save for the ones directed at the five mares, the stage manager suddenly emerged from the darkness and stood behind the camera. After instructing the mare to turn on the camera, he then placed one hoof to his headset, the other raised to the air to announce the passing seconds.

“And five… four… three…” He silently mouthed the last two seconds before pointing at Twilight.

Just then, a little tune could be heard playing into Twilight's earpiece, signaling for her to start.

“And good evening Equestria,” she greeted, beaming a welcoming and confident smile into the camera. “Welcome to the first ever airing of Equestria At Six. I’m one of your hosts, Twilight Sparkle, one of six mares today you know you can trust!” Picking up a set of papers in her hooves, she straightened them against the desk before continuing with, “On tonight’s news, we’ll open with a story that might be rather unsettling and shocking for the faint-of-heart. Earlier today, around noon Celestial time, a group of teenagers were caught soliciting in Up Creek Quarry by local police there. Reports say that the pre-teens were ‘playing hooky’, as the saying goes, and, worse of all, they had… I’m sorry,” she apologized, briefly losing her composure. After looking to the side and taking a cleansing breath, she reaffirmed her gaze with the camera. “Reports say that they had...littered within the area…”

A gasp followed by a mare fainting could be heard faintly in the background.

“I know, I know. Who would be so heartless as to do that? Fortunately, the black-hearted hooligans gave in without any further loss of life, and law experts theorize that their sentence will range from a few years to maybe even a couple of decades. Just goes to show that crime doesn’t pay and that you should stay in school, fillies and colts.”

Twilight paused to take a quick breath. Smile returning, she cocked her head to the side slightly. “Now, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I could go for a little light-hearted news right about now. Here’s Fluttershy giving us just that. Fluttershy?”

Right on queue, the camera then turned its attention to Fluttershy. However, it might have panned a little too fast for her liking, as it managed to catch the yellow mare partially cower beneath her desk. She huddled there for a moment, her hooves placed flatly over the desk, before her ear suddenly twitched.

“Fluttershy,” Twilight hissed into her hidden collar microphone. “You’re up!”

“O-oh…” Slowly but surely, and shaking with fright the entire time, Fluttershy began to rise. “Um, w-well… I happened to see a small group of bunnies playing in a meadow on the way here this morning. T-they looked so happy, that I just had to stop to pet them.” A small smile touched her lips as she recalled the earlier encounter. Unfortunately, she was talking so softly that the microphone clipped to her jacket’s lapel was having trouble picking her up.

This was solved promptly when an intern suddenly popped out from beneath Fluttershy’s desk, holding a stronger directional microphone up to better catch the timid mare’s words. The intern was unseen by the camera, but the closer proximity of the new microphone helped to amplify Fluttershy’s voice. Still, the sudden appearance of the pony caused Fluttershy to jump and squeak. She stared down at the intern for a few seconds until the mare motioned frantically for her to continue.

“O-oh, um… I also saw a group of timberwolf puppies on the edge of the Everfree last night,” she stuttered.” They were play wrestling with each other, w-which will help them when it comes time for their parents to teach them how to hunt. I-I might have also left some food out for them, so they could practice stalking their, um… prey. Oh, I-I’m sorry… I’m not very good at reporting.”

“No, it’s fine. This is good, Fluttershy, keep it up,” Twilight whispered over the earpiece, causing Fluttershy’s ear to twitch. “Just remember to smile too. Several thousand ponies are watching us live! Got to make them feel welcome.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened in alarm. “S-several thousand?” She gaped at the camera for a few seconds before, with a shuddering breath, her eyes rolled up into her head and she fainted. Before she fell backwards though, the camera quickly panned over to the next pony.

“Well thank you, Fluttershy. That was an excellent little exposé you gave,” said Rarity, finishing adding an unneeded extra touch of blush to her cheek once the camera turned to her. Removing the brushes from sight, she then straightened her posture, faced the camera, and give it her award-winning smile. “Oh we are in for a treat here in the Gossip Corner, my darling little ponies!”

On the upper right hand corner of the screen, an image of a tall, thin white unicorn mare with a luscious pink mane appeared.

“I have it under good authority that Fleur De Lise, famous actress and fashion model, as well as wife to equally as famous entrepreneur Fancy Pants, has been caught sneaking into a Hayburger establishment.” Rarity put a hoof to her lips and let out a gasp of faux surprise. “I know, simply scandalous, isn’t it?! Isn’t she supposed to be on a strict diet? Sadly, these rumors will continue to remain rumors, as any attempts made to confirm them with the mare in question have failed to make it past her secretary. Without any confirmation, this will surely be the talk of the town for the next few weeks.” She tsked and shook her head. “Still, whether these accusations are true or not, I’d be careful if I were you, Fleur, lest those empty calories do a number on your stunning figure.

“Now, moving on to the fashion segment,” Rarity said, cuing the video technician to change the picture of Fleur to one of Celestia. It appeared to be an older picture, as the alicorn was wearing her gown from the last Gala.

“Ah, radiant, isn’t she?” Rarity swooned. “And her outfit is simply marvelous! The colors, the fabrics, the simplistic yet regal design. Truly a sight to behold. And beholding it ponies are. It seems that this image alone has rocked the fashion industry to its core, as many designers have released similar outfits, all of which are trying to recapture the majesty that Celestia exuberates. And who could blame them for trying?

“Those curved haunches, that swan neck, the soft fluff of fur upon her chest, those insightful yet perceptive eyes—all the makings of a great ruler.”

Right as Rarity was about to continue, she suddenly paused. Her gaze was leveled just below the camera’s, and she tilted her head to the side as if confused.

“Oh dear...is that really what the teleprompter said? ‘Curved haunches’, really? Who wrote this? This isn’t what I’d say at a—”

“Uh, sorry to cut in, Rarity,” Twilight interrupted, the camera turning to her as she listened to her ear piece, “but I’ve just received news that we’ll now be switching to the weather. Rainbow Dash, if you will…”

Once again, the camera turned, this time facing what seemed to be a pretty irked Rainbow Dash.

“Really?” she questioned, standing stock still with an unamused expression. “I’m weather? Me? Out of everything I could have been, you put me on weather?”

“Well, who better than the manager of the weather team?”

Rainbow didn’t refute that. Instead, she stayed silent for a spell, time spent where all anypony could see was her staring offscreen indignantly. Finally, she opened her mouth and uttered, “It’s because I’m a pegasus, right? Isn’t this, like, some kind of type-casting or something?”

“I think you mean forecaster, which you are!” Twilight answered quickly. “Now...the weather...”

“Fine,” Rainbow relented with a roll of her eyes, saying below her breath: “Why does AJ get sports? I wanted sports…” After coughing dryly into her hoof, Rainbow faced the camera and put up a smile.

“Ahem, thanks Twilight! Now, as you can see here on the map behind me, you’ll notice that Califoalnia is still experiencing drought and is in serious need for rain while Manehattan is up to its neck in water. As for why Princess Celestia doesn’t just divert that water elsewhere, it’s not our place to question. Really, who among us can even comprehend our princess’s grand plan. Just place your unwavering faith in her and wait for when it eventually works out. Back to you, Twilight!”

“Thank you, Rainbow. Very informative.” With her sight lowered to her desk, Twilight gathered her new papers, then straightened them before looking up to the camera, a more serious look in her eyes. “Mares and gentlecolts, we at Equestria At Six would like to take this moment to cover a more serious topic with you. Ever since the incident at the Royal Wedding, Equestria has been plagued with a menace, a menace possibly hiding in plain sight. Thankfully, we’ll now be going over this menace in great detail, in this segment called,” as if to further enunciate the utter direness, font suddenly crashed in below Twilight as she removed her glasses in a flourish, spelling out her next words, “Could Your Neighbor Be A Changeling?”

As the text faded out, a new image appeared in the top right corner, one depicting the blurry, file photo image of a changeling during the Royal Wedding incident.

“Yes, changelings. To those of you who aren’t aware, or simply weren’t in Canterlot during the incident, changelings are insectoid-equines capable of changing their appearance to that of anypony’s, or anything. Since their exact numbers are unknown, and it’s highly unlikely that they were all present at the capitol during the expulsion spell, it’s safe to assume that there may be some living amongst us, just waiting for their chance to reemerge. We’ll now take you live on the streets to show public opinion on this matter. Pinkie?”

“Right here, Twilight!” Pinkie exclaimed joyously, the camera switching to a live feed of her somewhere outside. She was just standing there, smiling rather creepily in her purple suit and microphone duct taped to her hoof.

“Hey Pinkie, where are you?” Twilight asked.

“Why, Las Pegas, of course, silly!” Pinkie answered with a giggle, followed by a snort. She then bounced a few feet to the side, stopping besides a confused-looking mare. “Hi, what do you think of the changeling threat!?” Pinkie asked, shoving the mic to the mare’s muzzle.

The mare looked at Pinkie, the camera, then the mic before leaning to it.

“Uh...the what?”

“Changelings!” answered Pinkie, startling the mare enough to step back. “You know, those scary bug ponies that can replace your friends and loved ones and you’d never even know it! Like, you could be walking down the street and wave to a pony and that pony could be a changeling, out looking to steal some love! Actually, just about anypony could be one—you could be talking to one right now! The horror! So, what do you think of them?” Adopting a large smile, Pinkie cocked her head as she waited for an answer.

The mare was speechless, stunned even. She just stared blankly over the microphone, her eyes widened and mouth slightly ajar in abject horror. Finally, her eyes focused on Pinkie before she spoke.

“Are...are you one?”

“Ex-squeeze, me?” Pinkie asked, only to then be grabbed and violently shaken by the shoulders by the mare.

“I said are you a change thing!? Answer me will you!”

“So… there’s… Las… Pegasus!” Pinkie said into the mic between shakes. “Let’s… see… what… Mane… hattan... thinks!”

Just then, the live feed cut out in a burst of static only to switch to a new one seconds later. There, a familiar pink hoof with a duct taped microphone on it was extended to a stallion who was swimming in what seemed to be in a rainy, flooded city street. The water level must have been high, as the stallion was clinging to the top half of a street sign that said ‘Broadneigh’.

“So, what do you think of the changeling threat, sir?”

“Changelings?” the stallion repeated. “Lady, in case you haven’t noticed, we’ve got bigger things to worry about here than changelings. Hey, when’s Celestia gonna fix this mess? Don’t tell me our tax bits are going straight into frivolous things like Gala balls and—”

Once again, the screen turned to static. A moment later, it switched back to the studio feed.

“Huh, we seem to have inexplicably lost the signal,” Twilight said. “Anyway,” she said with a clasp of her hooves. “You there at home are probably wondering to yourselves: ‘Well how can I tell if there’s a changeling around?’ And to that, I shall give you these simple tips.

“One: Is your spouse suddenly more attentive to your needs and it’s not your anniversary or birthday? If the answer’s yes, then chances are that they’ve been replaced. Unlike other creatures in Equestria, changelings feed on love, and in order for them to collect said love, they’ll assume your loved one’s form—be it a spouse, parent, or foal—and try to please you in any way, shape, or form. A good way to counteract this type of espionage is to create a safeword or phrase that only you and your loved ones know, such as ‘Celestia knows best’ or ‘Believe in Equestria’.

“Two: Is your friend starting to suddenly question Celestia’s decisions? If yes, then immediately go to your nearest authority figure and report them. Really, anypony who questions our glorious ruler has to be up to no good.

“Three: Does a pony you know avoid doing chores like dusting or eating food with pepper? Another surefire way to determine if a pony is a changeling is to get them to sneeze. The act of sneezing actually disrupts their ability to magically disguise themselves and reveals their true appearance for all to see. At least for a second or two.” Pausing, Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath, only for a sneeze to suddenly be heard backstage. There was a quick burst of green light, followed by a startled yelp and another burst of green light.

Opening her eyes again, Twilight deadpanned. “Gesundheit,” she said with a forced smile.

“Heh heh...eh…” uttered a mare nervously, holding a light reflector up just offstage. The rest of the staff were staring disapprovingly at her, as her fur was now a few shades lighter than it was a second ago. Wearing an embarrassed smile the entire time, the mare then calmly placed the reflector down before quietly excusing herself.

“So… Uh,” Twilight drawled while staring blankly at the camera, wanting to get the ball rolling again. “Here’s Applejack with sports…”

“Well thank ya, Twilight,” Applejack said, the camera redirecting towards her. “Eh, tonight’s gonna be a pretty interestin’ evenin’ in the Canterlot hoofball stadium, folks. We’ve got the Appleousan Stampedes playin’ against the, uh...the Cloudsdale’s Striders, the latter’s team consistin’ of the Wondercolt’s very own Splitfur and Pourin’ fer this one time only, and uh...yeah.

“Now Ah’m not much of a bettin’ mare, but if Ah had to choose ‘tween the two, Ah’d say that the team that’s obviously gonna win will be the Apple—

“What!?” shouted Rainbow, forcing herself into the shot and Applejack’s face. “AJ, did you seriously just say ‘The Wondercolts, Splitfur and Pourin’? Why did you get sports when you can’t even remember the team’s names, especially a Cloudsdale team!? I mean, anything Cloudsdale or Wonderbolt related is only, like, the best! The Wonderbolts—the Wonderbolts, AJ!” Suddenly, Rainbow zipped for the camera, her face and hooves taking up most of the screen. “I’ve got all their memorabilia! Posters, mugs, fridge magnets, motivational workout videos, underwear, upperwear—I got it all! They are totally going to win!”

She starts to shake the camera vigorously back and forth, all while making a high pitch squealing noise. Suddenly, multiple figures tackled her from the side, knocking her way from the camera with a loud ‘Umph!’. The camera moved back, then panned downwards diagonally before resting at an angle. There, a blurry image of Rainbow could briefly be seen struggling with two security officers on the floor. Right as one of them had her pinned while the other pulled out a pair of cuffs, the video then switched to a new camera’s feed of Twilight.

Twilight had her hoof to her ear, clearly listening to her ear piece.

“Uh huh,” she said with a nod before facing the camera. “I’ve just gotten word of breaking news. We’ll now take you live over a house fire in Detrot with our Eye In The Sky Pin—wait, Pinkie? How’d you get there so fast?”

“Silly Twilight, I’m the one who started the fire!” exclaimed Pinkie herself, standing within the basket of a hot air balloon.

“What?!” yelped Twilight. “Why would you do that? Think of all the bits that will take to fix!”

“Silly, Twilight,” Pinkie snorted. “It’s not about the bits; it’s about making news!”

“Well you heard that, folks… Apparently Pinkie started the fire…” Looking upwards, Twilight rubbed the bridge of her nose, then sighed. “And...closing off our night, we’ll now take you to Fluttershy with tonight’s ‘Aww News’. Fluttershy?”

Said pegasus perked up as the camera swiveled to face her. “Oh, u-um…” She paused for a moment as she read the teleprompter, only for a smile to spread across her face. “For tonight’s ‘Aww’ story, I’d like to show you this picture of Celestia with this poor orphan filly.” Fluttershy then gestured to the upper right, where an image appeared of Celestia placing the very tip of her wing on an orange pegasus filly, a strained smile on the Princess’s face. “Look at our humble princess, taking the time to visit her little ponies like that. Who cares if she’s raised the taxes a little, look where those bits are possibly going. Well I think Celestia’s just...um, could you scroll the thing down a bit more? Oh, thank you—just swell, don’t you think so too, everypony?”

“Well isn’t that nice of her?” Twilight said with a smile, the camera turning back to her. “And there you have it, folks. This has been Equestria At Six, funded by the crown, and the first, best, and only source for your news. Goodnight everypony.”

As Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity and Applejack seemed to converse amongst themselves, the camera panned back as the lights began to dim until they were all nothing more than silhouettes. On the floor neared the center, however, Rainbow could be seen still struggling with the security officers. A cheery melody began to play as the screen then faded to black.

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Comments ( 16 )

I have seen better news parodies but this ok
5 mustaches out of 10
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

Hillbe #2 · Nov 1st, 2016 · · 2 ·

:twilightoops: Spike! camera....

:moustache: ????

:twilightangry2: Rarity's not the only reporter on the set!

:raritystarry: !

Corrupt, childish, and stupid.
Just like the real news!
10 outa 10, lad.

Haha I really enjoyed that, put a smile on my face after a long work shift :pinkiehappy: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: 6/10 mustaches

Hehe. Great job on this one. This is EXACTLY how I could see Equestrian news going (at first) :rainbowwild:

A gasp followed by a mare fainting could be heard faintly in the background.

Okay, who of you had hired one of the flower-ponies?


Nice story!

I could really imagine a news show working like that.
Especially Twilight(?) was cool.
And head up, RD, your part was the most helpful one.

Oh Pinkie you Arsonist :pinkiehappy:

Pinkie you have one job, ONE job.:pinkiehappy:

It's like Villager News, but with its own interesting twists. I give it a DAN OUDDA DAN.

TYPOS

Behind each desk as a unique backdrop, chosen specifically for each mare.

was

On tonight’s news, we’ll open with a story that might be rather unsettling and shocking for the feint-of-heart.

faint (feint is like a deceptive attack to throw off an opponent like in chess)

She huddled there for a moment, her hooves placed flatly over the desk, before her ear suddenly twitch.

“Fluttershy,” Twilight hissed into her earpiece. “You’re up!”

twitched
Scratching my head, how do you talk into an earpiece, maybe her mic? Or is it Flutter's earpiece? 'hissed through her friend's earpiece.' maybe?

she stuttered.”They were play wrestling with each other

Space before 'they'

“I have it under good authority that Fluer De Lise,

I’d be careful if I were you, Fluer, lest those empty calories do a number on your stunning figure.

3rd one is good.:pinkiehappy:
Fleur Dis Lee according to MLP wikia.

“Why, Las Pegas, of course, silly!”

Pegasus

as the stallion was clinging to the top half of a street sign that said ‘Broardneigh’.

‘Broadneigh’ or were we going for roar?

CHUCKLES

Fortunately, the black-hearted hooligans gave in without any further loss of life, and law experts theorize that their sentence will range from a few years to maybe even a couple of decades.

Not in jail, that will be the extra years spent in the school system cause they're thick-heads.

Those curved haunches, that swan neck, the soft fluff of fur upon her chest, those insightful yet perceptive eyes

Well that's definitely in stallion wording!:trixieshiftright:
After RD's weather report, Tia will go ape at Twi. if she recovers?
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/022/d/1/study_by_karzahnii-d5sdnl2.gif

Is your friend starting to suddenly question Celestia’s decisions? If yes, then immediately go to your nearest authority figure and report them.

Well that's all of Manehattan.
This is like a skit outta Kenny Everett Show or an episode of The Goodies, classic stuff!
Meanwhile back in the castle private viewing chamber...
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/8/28/709704__safe_solo_princess+celestia_animated_upvotes+galore_looking+at+you_grin_angry_wall+of+faves_gritted+teeth.gif
Pinkie's arresting officer...

I see the way celestia rules. . .

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Come for the news, stay for the propaganda! :O I approve.

Somehow, the joke that made me laugh the hardest was Twilight having shoulder pads. c.c

7754904 What did it for me was when Scarlet Blade messed up on the sports teams. The other was the first Pinkie Pie scene. XD

Thinner than expected.

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