Wheeling and Dealing

by Necrogen Lord

The tale of strangers and what they're buyin'

Author's Note:

Sorry this is late, I don't care. Halloween is to good to limit to just October 31st. If we can start celebrating Christmas in September, I'm allowed to post a Halloween story on November 1st.

Starlight giggled as she watched the foals galloping about near the center of Ponyville, fillies and colts dressed up in costumes of all kinds cheering and shrieking as they celebrated.

Nightmare Night had descended upon Ponyville once again.

Starlight was glad that she was able to see the festivities this year, as she was told that this year a significant amount of effort went into the decorations all around town, thanks to a rather generous donation by none other than Princesses Twilight and Luna themselves. An astonishing 200,000 bits had gone into remaking the town, so much so that they had been celebrating Nightmare Night since dawn, a treat that brought a gracious smile onto the Lunar alicorn's face as she pranced about in costume.

For some reason, Luna had forgone her donning of her Nightmare form (Twilight explained something about a guilt-driven psycho magical entity threatening to destroy the world, again) in favor of some strange sort of costume. She had a mane wig of white, messy hair and was clad horn-to-hoof in black and yellow metal parts, a strap over her left eye while a boxy scabbard held a glowing red katana on her back where her wings usually were. She laughed maniacally in a gravelly voice, often referring to "ripping" or "nanomachines".

Starlight didn't have to put in so much effort for her costume, only choosing to let her hair down into its old shape before plastering an equal sign on her flank. Her logic was that if Luna could celebrate with her guise of Nightmare Moon prior, why couldn't she reflect on how far she came by dressing up as her old persona?

A scream drew her attention to a nearby house, its double doors open with drapery aside to allow ponies in to the "Spooky House of Terror!" as the banner said in jam made to look like blood. Even if there was the budget for corn starch and food dye, many ponies were still squeamish about blood in any form, thus opting for purple and pinks in favor of the crimson that would be associated with violence.

The source of the scream became apparent when a blue mare with a silver mane came blazing out of the house in a black witch's outfit. Starlight sighed as she teleported in the mare's way before casting a levitation spell. The screaming stopped as Trixie looked about, her eyes landing on Starlight.

"Starlight!" Trixie said. "Thank goodness! Trixie needs great and powerful hugs to help her calm down!" Trixie demanded, holding her hooves out with a pout.

"Okay," Starlight said as she lowered her friend into a gentle embrace. As Starlight patted Trixie's back, she spoke. "What happened in there?"

"Oh, it was awful!" Trixie said as she broke away to dramatically pose. "The poor, innocent Trixie was merely enjoying a stroll through this public house, when she gazed upon something horrifyingly dreadful! It caused fear to consume her, and she had to leave before they destroyed not only my fabulously made costume, but my very soul as well!"

"Your soul?" Starlight deadpanned. "What did you find?"

"Starlight, Trixie's dearest friend, Trixie found..." Trixie looked as though she had seen Death himself as she whispered, "... wheels!"

Starlight stared straight ahead for a second before her face contorted into a grin that dared to consume more fecal matter in that moment than had ever been conceived in the history of Equis.

Trixie glared at her.

"Don't. Mock. Me."

Starlight snickered before stomping a hoof into the ground, trying to contain the laughter to little success.

"It's not funny!" Trixie shouted.

"It's pretty funny," Starlight countered.

"You haven't endured the horror that wheels have brought upon Trixie in her darkest hour!"

Starlight took in a deep breath before slowly exhaling, trying to calm herself down before she could bust a lung. Still eating copious amounts of feces with her smile, Starlight spoke.

"Alright, why are they so scary?"

Trixie paled.

"W... w-what?" Trixie quivered.

"Why are wheels so terrifying?" Starlight asked.

Trixie looked about the town center before leaning in closer to Starlight's ear.

"Do you really... want to know about Trixie's most crippling fear?" she whispered.

"Um..." Starlight had now lost her grin, consumed now by worry for her friend, "yes?"

Trixie searched about the town square for a moment before motioning to a bench.

"There," Trixie said pointing to the empty seat. "Trixie shall enlighten you upon this bench."

When the two unicorns sat upon the bench, Trixie removed her hat and laid on her back, her head resting next to Starlight's leg.

"Do you mind if Trixie tries to get comfortable?" the showmare asked as she looked up to Starlight.

"Go ahead," Starlight said.

Trixie adjusted herself so that her head rested on Starlight's thigh before starting.

"It happened many moons ago, after Trixie's humiliation in Ponyville..."

\\\\\\//////
Somewhere (Not Ponyville) in Equestria
\\\\\\//////

Trixie grunted as she tried and fail yet again to pull her cart out of the ditch it had dared to get stuck in. She screamed in rage before taking off her yoke and throwing it at the traveling stage.

"This is hopeless!" she roared. "First Trixie is beaten by that show off of a Unicorn, 'Twilight Sparkle,' and now she's forced to drag her home around without wheels because she tried to entertain those idiots!? I'm a traveling magician! Of course I'm going to exaggerate! It's my bucking job!"

An unfortunate rock dared to stand in the path of Trixie's wrath, but millions upon millions of years of evolution and perfection of its atomic structure ensured that it stayed unmoved from the dirt as Trixie's hoof ended up only scratching itself in a futile attempt of venting frustration.

"Stars dammit!" Trixie cursed as she hopped about three of her legs, shaking her hurt hoof before her.

Trixie soon stopped her dance of pain to look about the area once more. She had come down the road west of this place and ended up finding a lower path that lead through some kind of ruins. The brilliant and mentally unopposed Trixie deduced that following the river would be her best bet, and now the regretful and thoroughly enraged Trixie stood by her cart in these damp caves, her stage/home's wheels broken and her possessions stuck.

"Anypony!?" Trixie called out into the darkness of the caverns. "The lonely and frightened Trixie would appreciate help!"

Something metallic clanged deeper into the caverns above Trixie, causing her to shriek and backpedal.

"Who's there!? Show yourself! The Great and Powerful Trixie knows how to use this!" she emphasized by twirling about the Magician's most powerful catalyst: the Vibe Scepter.

Blushing at the tool's sudden appearance caused Trixie to yelp before throwing it back into her window. The showmare screwed her eyes shut as she heard several heavy, thunderous hooffalls, far too wide apart for anything that walked on four legs.

Trixie looked up to see a massive beast standing atop a nearby incline. It stood on two thick legs, almost like tree trunks, that lead up to an even thicker torso. Its belly jiggled like a bowl full of what Trixie feared to be pony insides, all covered in a thick armor that looked horrible to wear. When she got to its face, she noticed a flowing river of glorious brown that dared to trump even her own gorgeous mane underneath its face. Finally, her eyes locked onto where its face would be, were it not for the massive mug that was held aloft before it.

The sound of chugging filled the cave with an uncomfortable noise, Trixie cringing as she counted the seconds as this creatured downed its drink. First ten seconds, then thirty, a minute, two minutes...

'Does this thing even breathe?' she thought to herself. 'What kind of mug is enchanted to hold this much-'

The creature gave a satisfied sigh as it lowered the somehow filled-to-the-brim mug and wiped the edge of its bell-like helmet with an arm. Overall, this creature didn't seem to threatening to Trixie anymore, what with its appearance of a tree-doll of some kind, magnificent facial hair and indulgence of what was clearly an alcoholic beverage (as she could smell it more than she could the creature, thankfully). It then slowly raised its free hand and, with thick fingers, pointed to Trixie.

"Want wheel?" he asked in a gruff yet buttery voice.

Trixie blinked as she sized up the thing.

"Trixie apologizes, but what are you saying?"

"Too many words. Want wheel?" he asked again.

"Um... I suppose, Trixie could use some assistance in either finding or repairing her wagon's wheels, yes. Thank you, mister..."

The unknown creature reached around its back to pull out a sack of some kind before waddling down the slope up to Trixie. It stopped right in front of her (she could now see the large axe at its hip as well as the blood that stained it. He set the bag down in front of Trixie, leaving her to give a light sniff of caution before she peered inside.

"If want Gavlan wheel, then make Gavlan deal!" he said before laughing as he held his large belly, spilling some of his drink on the ground.

Trixie peered inside of his bag before looking to him with a skewed brow.

"I don't see anything resembling a wheel in here," she said accusingly.

"No wheel in bag! If want wheel, then make deal."

"'If want wheel'... so you're asking for me to pay for wheels before seeing them? Before even being assured that there are wheels in the first place?"

"Gavlan trader. Deal many things. Maybe even wheel, if you make deal."

Trixie looked between Gavlan and her mobile home before sighing.

"Very well. Name your price," she said in defeat.

"Make Gavlan deal, then get Gavlan wheel."

"I don't know what to give you, you insufferable simpleton!" Trixie shouted.

"Deal get wheel. Make deal, get wheel."

"What does that even mean!?" Trixie yelled.

Gavlan then pointed at Trixie's side. Trixie looked to see her saddlebag still there with a half-full (not half-empty because Trixie is an optimist) bottle of milk that was still somewhat cold, given its foggy glass.

"Gavlan get drink. No reason to think," Gavlan said. "You be kind ilk, if give Gavlan milk."

Trixie smiled.

"Oh, you just want my milk? Okay then," Trixie said as she levitated the milk bottle out to Gavlan. The large creature accepted the offering of Trixie's milk and popped the cork with his thumb immediately before downing the whole thing.

"Good for Gavlan bones. Helps sleep in restless tones."

Gavlan reached into his bag before pulling out something that truly scarred Trixie: a glowing skull. The eye sockets were blue, but something about its flat shape was even more unsettling to her.

"Deal stay home with safety of bone. Gavlan get wheel, for such good deal. Use if hurt... makes skeletons go derp."

With those parting words, Gavlan picked up his things and headed towards an unseen part of the cave, leaving Trixie with her home and a glowing blue skull.

The unicorn mare looked down at the object with fear and caution, having never thought of necromatic magic ever influencing her life until right now. She had heard spooky bedtime stories of it like every other little unicorn, but something about seeing such a strong piece of evidence was far scarier than anything she could think about ever inhabiting the underside of her bed.

She gently lifted the skull up in her magic, examining the loose jaw that hung and flapped uselessly below it. Trixie was confused as to why that 'Gavlan' had left her with something so... off. What had he said about being hurt and skeletons? What would skeletons have to do with anything about wheeling and dealing? She took a closer look-

"OUI FUCKO U WANNA GIT SPOOKED"

"AAAAHHH!" Trixie screamed as she threw the skull away.

The moment the skull collided with the ground, however, the voices became far louder.

"GIT GUD SHITLORD

U FUKIN WOT M80 ILL STAB UR CUNT

FITE ME U CASUL

GET READY TO SCRUB THE DECK

1V1 2-HANDERS ONLY

DROP YOUR SHIELD"

Profanity and screaming assaulted Trixie's ears as the blue aura of the skull began to disperse over the area. She folded her ears in response to the graphic language, cringing as she backed up to her crashed cart.

"Gavlan!?" Trixie called out, hoping that the voices would stop.

Thankfully, they did mere seconds later. Trixie slowly unfurled one ear, careful to not be caught off guard in case another profanity was thrown at her. Instead of hearing cursing, however, Trixie heard some kind of music emanating from the cave. The showmare turned her gaze and ears to the lower cave's entrance as the music began to grow in volume. Dirt and rock crunched as the sound of wood rolling up rocked the area. From the darkness, Trixie could see four large wheels approaching fast. These wheels were massive in size, about as tall as Gavlan, and weren't being pushed by anything nor were they connected to any axles. She was about to question it, but before she could, she spotted several skeletons in the gaps in the wheels, riding them as their jaws flapped open in unison, crying out into the air as they descended upon the mare.

"SKELETON WARRIORS!"

Music blared as the wheels soared past Trixie, the now clearly visible blades slicing just close enough to Trixie to trim her mane and tail before she shrieked and jumped back. The four skeletons extended from their wheels and slid to a stop a few meters behind her, all of them resembling Gavlan in structure alone, pointing their bony fingers at her before they leaped into the air before rolling once more.

Trixie galloped towards her home and magically pried her door open. Before she could reach it, however, one of the bonewheel skeletons cut through it, shattering the door and blocking her way inside. She turned about to see another wheel charging straight for her. Trixie jumped out of the way to the left before it slammed into the first bonewheel, bones clattering about the ground.

The unicorn began to hyperventilate before she heard the rolling of another bonewheel from her right. She turned in time to see one charging towards her down the slope, quickly picking up speed. Trixie cowered and threw up her strongest shield that her addled mind could muster, barely enough to knock the bonewheel skeleton off course momentarily before it skidded to a halt. The forth bonewheel prepared to charge towards her once more, grinding its ankles into the dirt before a massive axe flew from the dark cave, its skull breaking in half before the entire skeleton fell apart.

Trixie had never been happier to see a burly drunk before in her entire life.

"What Gavlan say about wheel!?" the thick biped shouted as he pulled out a second axe from his belt.

The bonewheel that Trixie had deflected charged towards Gavlan instead, rolling in a serpentine pattern to try and avoid Gavlan's axe. He withheld his choice to throw the weapon, instead grunting as he brought out what looked to be a solid chunk of rock that he had ripped out from the earth itself. When the skeleton crashed into him, the skeleton broke apart as the wheel slammed into the stone. As the skull landed on the ground, Gavlan stomped it and ground his boot into the stone.

"Thank the stars, Gavlan!" Trixie shouted with relief.

"Stay down. Look at clown," he said, pointing behind her.

Trixie steeled herself as she turned about to gaze upon the skeleton wheels. The two had somehow constructed themselves into a single entity, standing on four legs while its dual arms were used as axles for the wheels which lifted it into the air. Trixie got an unwelcome and severely traumatizing view of the skulls chattering and rattling between the construct's legs.

Trixie screamed as she unleashed a burst of magic in its general direction, her wild shot managing to hit the center of the construct's left wheel. The shot sent the abomination reeling, teetering to the side as it tried to regain its stability before an axe collided with the twin skulls between its legs. Bones and two wheels rained down near Trixie as she began to pant.

"Many deal! Many thanks!" Gavlan said as he put his shield aside to pick up the skeleton's wheel. "Now that we make deal, you get wheel! Need Gavlan hand?"

Trixie did the most Great and Powerful thing she could think of at that moment and fainted.

\\\\\\//////

"Wait, so how did you get out of there? And what happened to Gavlan?" Starlight asked.

"Well, Gavlan was able to find some... rather terrifyingly large rats to haul Trixie's cart whilst she was recovering, and they managed to get us outside safely. As for Gavlan himself, well, Trixie doesn't know, really. She still goes to the cave entrance to leave a bottle of milk every now and again, but she refuses to go any deeper for her own safety."

"Wow... I can't believe you could have died there."

"Trixie knows. And that, dearest Starlight, is why Trixie is terrified of wheels. And skeletons. Actually, now that Trixie thinks back on it, maybe her fear is the skeletons."

"You know, that story," a new voice added.

Trixie and Starlight turned and paled as they gazed upon a large mass of magic and bones wearing a pair of sunglasses.

"That's real Nito."

Comments

[Chrome Masquerade]

"SKELETON WARRIORS!"

I remember that show!!!

[Fire Soul]

OKAY. Okay. That was fantastic, and blatant, and I loved every second of it.

[deathaanator]

R A V E L O R D N E A T O
R
A
V
E
L
O
R
D
N
E
A
T
O

[The A I]

dammit, you HAD to have Nito turn up just to say that!

[BrownDog77]

Well at least she didn't encounter the Skeleton Ball

[Razzy]

[Cascades]

goddammit nito

[xXIllusionFoxXx]

This is it.

This is the story that kills me.

[DannyJ]

Majestic.

[GeorgeOfTheJungle]

What are you, casul?

[Necrogen Lord]

7701104
What rings u got, bithc?

[Cheese Legs]

U FOKEN WOT M80?!

[jocloud31]

Ok, I grinned like an idiot at the Raiden reference, but the SBFP skeleton warriors made me lose my shit.

I like your style.

[Kilobytes]

That last line made it, good job.

[PinkFluffyAlex]

Haven't even started reading and already dying of laughter... Just... The very thought of this fic amuses me.

[The dragon hunter]

This story was pure madness. I love it!

"You know, that story," a new voice added.

Trixie and Starlight turned and paled as they gazed upon a large mass of magic and bones wearing a pair of sunglasses.

"That's real Nito."

[Acadians6545]

Blushing at the tool's sudden appearance caused Trixie to yelp before throwing it back into her window. The showmare screwed her eyes shut as she heard several heavy, thunderous hooffalls, far too wide apart for anything that walked on four legs.

Did she just pull out a vibrator

[Acadians6545]

Luna as raiden is amazing

[Silver Hoof]

Undead Bone's Hard

[Moosetasm]

This story has only reinforced my hatred and fear of bonewheels.

[Vaguely Demented]

Remarkably long and complicated lead up.