By day, everything seems normal, but at night a horror stalks the streets, searching for its next meal. Ponies have been found dead and mutilated. There is a vampire loose in Ponyville. When ponies began to fall to this monster's hunger, Lyra made it her personal mission to hunt down and destroy this creature before it destroys Ponyville.
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Ponies don't eat meat.
yay first comment! i love this story! absolutly good job! can't wait for more!
Great story! I'm really enjoying it and can't wait for more!
.....yeah, that's pretty personal. That definitely crossed a line somewhere.
It's funny.... The last line is so simple, but I still felt a small chill run up my back.
Lyra ftw.
Lyra! Y U NO STAKE HER THROUGH THE HEART?
inb4 she comes back.
Props on making Lyra take her cloak. It's closure, and also now an inescapable sense of purpose.
Nice little ending.
edit and now looking back through the chapters, I can see it... she was there all along... why couldn't I see it before...
Well if you want to get technical here, a Vampire pony doesn't eat any meat, it just drinks blood.
Anyways, I really like the idea for this story. The execution is good enough to keep me reading, although there are some bits which stumble over repetitive language. There were, however, almost no grammar and spelling errors, which is pretty amazing. Creds to you sir Duke Arbiter.
The one mistype I did find was small, just punctuation:
Should be a question mark.
As for style, I know this is relatively old, and I am curious to see if your writing gets better with time, so i will save my thoughts for when I'm up-to-date.
I must say, reading this all in one go I really get an appreciation for your impeccable chapter sizes. Whether or not it was intentional the length of each section is just right, it gets just enough plot covered and develops characters at a good pace. Again, the writing style isn't the best I've seen, but its certainly not the worst, and the plot is really quite nice.
There was another couple spelling/grammar errors, which is still much fewer than I find in most other stories.
maybe
Not sure why that word is capitalized. You need a comma in there, so it should read "The guards seemed quite unamused with Lyra's performance, but..."
pony's. This same mistake is made again a few sentences after.
What's. Those apostrophes are tricky, and it's difficult to catch them all when you are writing.
nightmare night*,* but now... This sentence could use shortening in general, but if you want to keep it that length than you need your comma to accompany your conjunction.
I found you cast of characters (I'm guessing we were introduced to all of the main characters in the waiting scene) to be very interesting. I personally prefer background pony fanfics (well, unless FlutterDash, that's a weakness of mine), because it allows for much more development of the character by the fic writer, it is not all written out already by the creators of MLP. I also like that you had Vinyl's eyes be red (purple just doesnt fit as well) and it was a smart move to choose Ditzy over Derpy for this scenario when you want the character to be like an innocent child.
Overall, this is turning out to be an excellent nighttime read.
Story is going strong, and the pacing remains what is probably the best I have seen here. I just couldn't help but point this out, because "goof-for-nothing" was a bit too funny.
good for nothing is what you want, i do believe. Small mistype
Ok, so it looks like you just had the spelling of maybe wrong, and I know that situation, I always used to wonder how to spell it and would usually spell it "mabee" too. It is, however, speled "maybe". You want to fix that at some point.