This was a really interesting chapter and with all of the ponies present it made it amazing.
Rainbow I think is definitely my favourite of the story (plus she is my favourite pony overall so that helps). Her inexperience here and her own personality just make everything feel so intense. This chapter further expanded upon what happened during the sex scene earlier with just her and Ruby, but it also expanded on the situation with Fluttershy. Rainbow clearly loves, or at least has deep feelings for Flutteshy, but as the kind caring loving pony she has known. This new element to her character, this lustful sexy side has her completely confused and uncertain, as though she doesn't know if she can trust her feelings now that she knows things aren't as they appeared. But while we saw that she does like being manhandled (even if she still can't really understand why or take any enjoyment from the fact) we also just for a moment saw that she wants to be the one in control of Fluttershy, being the dom rather then the sub. Having both a desire to be a sub to Ruby (even if she can't accept that part of herself yet) and a dom to fluttershy is extremely interesting.
However things are going to become further complicated for her now as she witnessed Shy's reaction to Ruby being so dominant. She thought Shy would hate it, but saw instead how she loved it, and seems to fear that this means that Fluttershy won't be interested in her, as she can't bring that same level of dominance to Fluttershy due to her desire to be with the kind loving pony Shy usually presents herself as. We also saw that Rainbow feels uncomfortable with Ruby, not just with the sexual side, but also with his apathetic, unpassionate personality. Rainbow is the definition of strong and passionate, and seeing someone going through life that just doesn't seem to care must drive her nuts, but now she is stuck being around him. I wonder how things will progress, whether she'll start attempting to bring more passion to him, or whether she herself will start to feel her passion drain away being around someone like that so much.
Fluttershy was definitely great here. Seeing the conflict within her, the desire to let herself fall into her lust, and the kindness she feels to her friend was such a great choice for her. And her decision to try and show Rainbow that she can embrace being a sub without losing control was even better (even if this seems to have somewhat slipped by Rainbow at the moment and instead given her the impression that Fluttershy simply wants to be with a dominant manhandling Ruby rather then Rainbow herself). I think showing Fluttershy warring with herself after her mistake with Rainbow earlier will really give her the presence that she was lacking in previous chapters. Before she was simply lusty, but had no sort of drive or character growth. Now she feels more dynamic and fleshed out, having seen the damage she caused and wanting to fix it, but also wanting to continue her debauchery as well.
Overall I couldn't seem to find any kind of fault with this chapter. All the small things I picked up in earlier chapters like Fluttershy's lack of presence, have all been addressed, leaving this story feeling better then ever.
I cannot wait to see what happens next. awesome work!
8530598 Damn! Thanks for the giant comment! I'm worried you won't like the next bit, but oh well! It's already written. I actually finished this chapter at 15k words, and decided it was too much, so I split it in half. I'll probably post the other half tomorrow. I appreciate the in-depth analysis, it's super awesome!
I have a hard time moving the story away from Rainbow, as I like keeping the story around the conflict. At the moment, Rainbow is most of the conflict. So shining some light on Fluttershy's conflict is a good way to make me want to write more of her stuff. One of the problems I have s that I put too much in the background. For instance, Rainbow does a bunch of self censoring and doesn't like thinking about things. But she is smart and fully capable of doing so. Fluttershy in this story doesn't self censor nearly as much in her thoughts, but is operating on a few levels that she doesn't always fully understand. She focuses on the obvious ones, and the other things are kind of a surprise for her on a conscious level, even if she already knows things. Ruby is honestly a little more flat. He's smart about some things, but dumb about himself. He's also a little more direct, which impacts things oddly. He's not the focus of this, or the next chapter. He's just an actor and observer for the moment instead of a mover and a shaker.
Fluttershy and Rainbow actually have a lot of different motivations for their actions right now, which is kinda fun to write. Ruby has less so in this chapter. That's going to change in future chapters, but well see.
Specifically, at some point there is going to be a twisted love/hate triangle thing going on that gets to be unhealthy for some parties. I'm also toying with a specific fourth party interrupting and causing some problems. This fourth party would balance out the roster a touch by adding another male, and possibly be a more charismatic but much darker mirror to Ruby, providing him some good perspective on who he is and what his limits actually are. Conversely, I've considered making them them actually nice, but still unwelcome. I haven't decided how this is going to go for that aspect. There are some fun ideas with that that make it feel like things are actually on the line for the characters, but that's a ways down the road. Either way, once they get settled in, I am going to re-introduce the other characters very soon. This life is going to be hard to hide for long, and they'll have to come up with some reason why things are they way they are to all of their friends.
And I've already got the next chapter, actually. It was a 15k chapter that I cut into two pieces so it would be more manageable. The title for this one was supposed to be the title of the chapter after next, the morning after chapter, but when I split it, I needed a chapter title. The next chapter has the important bits for that title, so it had to go there. Ahh!!! I think it works out though. I'll probably label the next next chapter something like "collect the winnings" or "take the pot" or something. Meh. I'll figure it out. That's supposed to be the real Fluttershy focused chapter. I'll probably post the next chapter tomorrow. It's already in FIMFiction, and I've given it a once over, but I think I wanna change one small thing. Or two. Or three. well... I dunno now.
Thanks for the comment again! Glad you like my stuff!
8530765 You have a great deal of talent and this story is a very unique and interesting one, as it follows a lot of dark tones but also avoids a lot of things expected from this style as well.
Specifically, at some point there is going to be a twisted love/hate triangle thing going on that gets to be unhealthy for some parties. I'm also toying with a specific fourth party interrupting and causing some problems. This fourth party would balance out the roster a touch by adding another male, and possibly be a more charismatic but much darker mirror to Ruby, providing him some good perspective on who he is and what his limits actually are. Conversely, I've considered making them them actually nice, but still unwelcome.
This has me a little worried truth be told. While the love/hate triangle relationship I think will be interesting (as I kind of envision an ending that has all three characters in an actual relationship to some degree with actual desire and love between them, though with it so far down the road I can't really be sure of that at this point) and something I kind of expected to slowly begin to develop, this fourth element will need to be done carefully. I recommend waiting for a while before it is introduced, as things are still shaky and barely formed right now, still only really holding together because of the writ. You need more emotional investment between all the characters before you throw in something that will drastically change the dynamic.
You would also have to make sure that this new character's role becomes firmly established early on after the introduction, so that new readers don't get confused by the sudden change in tone. I think its definitely a worthwhile idea to pursue, but it needs to be done in the correct way or it might unravel all the excellent character growth you've done so far.
This was a really interesting chapter and with all of the ponies present it made it amazing.
Rainbow I think is definitely my favourite of the story (plus she is my favourite pony overall so that helps). Her inexperience here and her own personality just make everything feel so intense. This chapter further expanded upon what happened during the sex scene earlier with just her and Ruby, but it also expanded on the situation with Fluttershy. Rainbow clearly loves, or at least has deep feelings for Flutteshy, but as the kind caring loving pony she has known. This new element to her character, this lustful sexy side has her completely confused and uncertain, as though she doesn't know if she can trust her feelings now that she knows things aren't as they appeared. But while we saw that she does like being manhandled (even if she still can't really understand why or take any enjoyment from the fact) we also just for a moment saw that she wants to be the one in control of Fluttershy, being the dom rather then the sub. Having both a desire to be a sub to Ruby (even if she can't accept that part of herself yet) and a dom to fluttershy is extremely interesting.
However things are going to become further complicated for her now as she witnessed Shy's reaction to Ruby being so dominant. She thought Shy would hate it, but saw instead how she loved it, and seems to fear that this means that Fluttershy won't be interested in her, as she can't bring that same level of dominance to Fluttershy due to her desire to be with the kind loving pony Shy usually presents herself as. We also saw that Rainbow feels uncomfortable with Ruby, not just with the sexual side, but also with his apathetic, unpassionate personality. Rainbow is the definition of strong and passionate, and seeing someone going through life that just doesn't seem to care must drive her nuts, but now she is stuck being around him. I wonder how things will progress, whether she'll start attempting to bring more passion to him, or whether she herself will start to feel her passion drain away being around someone like that so much.
Fluttershy was definitely great here. Seeing the conflict within her, the desire to let herself fall into her lust, and the kindness she feels to her friend was such a great choice for her. And her decision to try and show Rainbow that she can embrace being a sub without losing control was even better (even if this seems to have somewhat slipped by Rainbow at the moment and instead given her the impression that Fluttershy simply wants to be with a dominant manhandling Ruby rather then Rainbow herself). I think showing Fluttershy warring with herself after her mistake with Rainbow earlier will really give her the presence that she was lacking in previous chapters. Before she was simply lusty, but had no sort of drive or character growth. Now she feels more dynamic and fleshed out, having seen the damage she caused and wanting to fix it, but also wanting to continue her debauchery as well.
Overall I couldn't seem to find any kind of fault with this chapter. All the small things I picked up in earlier chapters like Fluttershy's lack of presence, have all been addressed, leaving this story feeling better then ever.
I cannot wait to see what happens next. awesome work!
8530598
Damn! Thanks for the giant comment! I'm worried you won't like the next bit, but oh well! It's already written. I actually finished this chapter at 15k words, and decided it was too much, so I split it in half. I'll probably post the other half tomorrow. I appreciate the in-depth analysis, it's super awesome!
I have a hard time moving the story away from Rainbow, as I like keeping the story around the conflict. At the moment, Rainbow is most of the conflict. So shining some light on Fluttershy's conflict is a good way to make me want to write more of her stuff. One of the problems I have s that I put too much in the background. For instance, Rainbow does a bunch of self censoring and doesn't like thinking about things. But she is smart and fully capable of doing so. Fluttershy in this story doesn't self censor nearly as much in her thoughts, but is operating on a few levels that she doesn't always fully understand. She focuses on the obvious ones, and the other things are kind of a surprise for her on a conscious level, even if she already knows things. Ruby is honestly a little more flat. He's smart about some things, but dumb about himself. He's also a little more direct, which impacts things oddly. He's not the focus of this, or the next chapter. He's just an actor and observer for the moment instead of a mover and a shaker.
Fluttershy and Rainbow actually have a lot of different motivations for their actions right now, which is kinda fun to write. Ruby has less so in this chapter. That's going to change in future chapters, but well see.
Specifically, at some point there is going to be a twisted love/hate triangle thing going on that gets to be unhealthy for some parties. I'm also toying with a specific fourth party interrupting and causing some problems. This fourth party would balance out the roster a touch by adding another male, and possibly be a more charismatic but much darker mirror to Ruby, providing him some good perspective on who he is and what his limits actually are. Conversely, I've considered making them them actually nice, but still unwelcome. I haven't decided how this is going to go for that aspect. There are some fun ideas with that that make it feel like things are actually on the line for the characters, but that's a ways down the road. Either way, once they get settled in, I am going to re-introduce the other characters very soon. This life is going to be hard to hide for long, and they'll have to come up with some reason why things are they way they are to all of their friends.
And I've already got the next chapter, actually. It was a 15k chapter that I cut into two pieces so it would be more manageable. The title for this one was supposed to be the title of the chapter after next, the morning after chapter, but when I split it, I needed a chapter title. The next chapter has the important bits for that title, so it had to go there. Ahh!!! I think it works out though. I'll probably label the next next chapter something like "collect the winnings" or "take the pot" or something. Meh. I'll figure it out. That's supposed to be the real Fluttershy focused chapter. I'll probably post the next chapter tomorrow. It's already in FIMFiction, and I've given it a once over, but I think I wanna change one small thing. Or two. Or three. well... I dunno now.
Thanks for the comment again! Glad you like my stuff!
8530765
You have a great deal of talent and this story is a very unique and interesting one, as it follows a lot of dark tones but also avoids a lot of things expected from this style as well.
This has me a little worried truth be told. While the love/hate triangle relationship I think will be interesting (as I kind of envision an ending that has all three characters in an actual relationship to some degree with actual desire and love between them, though with it so far down the road I can't really be sure of that at this point) and something I kind of expected to slowly begin to develop, this fourth element will need to be done carefully. I recommend waiting for a while before it is introduced, as things are still shaky and barely formed right now, still only really holding together because of the writ. You need more emotional investment between all the characters before you throw in something that will drastically change the dynamic.
You would also have to make sure that this new character's role becomes firmly established early on after the introduction, so that new readers don't get confused by the sudden change in tone. I think its definitely a worthwhile idea to pursue, but it needs to be done in the correct way or it might unravel all the excellent character growth you've done so far.