• Member Since 19th Dec, 2015
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Crono411


Brony who is late to join the herd.


Comments ( 27 )

Hey. I'm not wanting to be rude, but your short description is fairly dull. It barely tells anything about the story, nor does it peak my interest with some unique sentences. All it says is basically "Join this nobody on some adventure through the Wasteland, like you've all done so before many times!".

You should add some uniqueness to it, so it captures the wandering eye's attention. What makes your story different to all the rest? The short description is supposed to answer this question in a few sentences.

Dealing the finishing blow to a giant robot Cerberus is sure to kick off a life of adventure!:rainbowdetermined2::pinkiehappy:

I've seen a lot of Fo:E stories on this site, and this one's starting out relatively strong. We get a chance to see our protagonist and the traits she has that make her special, and get to see a bit of our supporting cast in action. Cool!

That being said, I feel like we're missing a bit of detail when it comes to Ardent and the life she's lived until this point. She's obviously bored and wants to join the action, having lived in a town where nothing ever happens, but so far we haven't seen anything to really justify how she feels; in fact, she seems to have a pretty safe and happy life, if a bit uneventful.

Still, it was the first chapter, and I'm sure we'll be getting more insight later on.

I'll hold off giving a "like" just yet. But I'm definitely adding this to my "Tracking" list.

'Till next chapter.
-Erised

Oh wow. I totally thought Ardent was a mare for the whole first chapter. Look at me making assumptions!:rainbowlaugh:

Anyway, pretty good chapter. Looking forward to the next one.

7852277 Thanks! To be fair after your comment I reread the chapter and was like "Yup, no mention lol" the only hint was the perk he got and it's a fair assumption since a lot of FoE stories have female protagonists.

7990744 That's not roaster, it looks perfectly cooked lol

Nibble burst out into a snorting laughter, β€œHe-he thinks you're a mare.”

Heh, that's the same mistake I made.
...
Oh, wait just a minute-!

Level up New perk: Filly at heart.

:ajbemused: Okay, now you're intentionally screwing with us.

Great chapter!:rainbowlaugh:

7991534 oh that's right filly means female child, nice catch I will fix that up.

Thrown in the middle of action, that's quite a beginning. You have my attention for the next chapters :ajsmug:
Both Ardent and the Elpis party have interesting traits and features, the grammar and spelling is good, your style enjoyable and flowing quite well. Also, if I can already judge, the setting in the Equestrian wasteland is well-done too.
The only recurring issue I noticed are missing apostrophes in possessive adjectives - I'll give you a list of examples through PM, no reason to have a comment section plaqued with mistakes once corrected.

That's what I'd call an action packed chapter! And not only that, you have fresh and inventive ideas and a good way of executing them. Also, I love all the references to the events of the original FO:E story :twilightsmile:
Surely looking forward to see more of this crazy pony party!

Love the story so far! I'd love to see more. Keep up the good work!

Interesting chapter with character development and set up for the later events if I can guess. Great!

It's good! Can you add more epic to your description? You know, more dramatic/flowery language, and stuff.

8163413 Funny you should mention, I plan on trying a new short/long description next chapter release. Right now my short is basically exposition and my long is almost like a prolog, but I suck at descriptions so we will see how they work out.

Damn I like this story! :pinkiehappy: Much better than I expected. Need more details in combat scenes and overall. But fuck good.:twilightsmile:

This Fo:E book has been advertised on my Fo:E group on facebook. https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/
Feel free to join us on there. We encourage self-promotion, bragging and gushing about your own or other people's fics. Great place to hang out and make friends. :)

That was an unexpected plot twist. Looking forward to hearing the fight story! :twilightsmile: Also, I wonder what will rise from the "blasphemious" part.

Well, dragon is wothless if it obsessed with gems.:trixieshiftright:
Good chapter.:twilightsmile:

I was going to do some work today and you publish a chapter, why? :raritydespair:

Glad to see the Elpis' adventures continue! This one surely was a blast, both with the fight and then the more slice-of-life moment. I'm glad to see all is settled with Nibble :twilightsmile:

Nice chaper! Keep writting.:twilightsmile:

I really like the subtle way you let us know where in the timeline this story takes places. Since we know Ditzy's tongue was removed by slavers and she can't speak in the original FOE, having Ardent be privy to her basically losing her tongue was cleverly done.

I like your flashbacks. It's a nice way to get a little bit of Ardent's background at a time. And your level up and quest perk for this chapter. *kisses fingers* Bellisima

How much did the cover art cost you?

8526597
It was a lot lol, can't remember the exact amount (over 200?). Done by Asimos, link is in the summary, his commission details are on there, not sure if they have changed since I got mine done.

Oh, many new things revealed and even more new questions arising, I like that! :twilightsmile:
Also, seems like nopony can resist Clover's orders... for long.

I'm really liking this story so far, and I'm diggin these new developements. Flashbacks to the life of a pre-war Zebra? Nice. Mysterious ghoul armed with The Stare? Double nice.

The chapters don't drag on longer than they need to, either. The only thing that needs work is proofreading for grammatical mistakes, and that's not even a consistently occuring issue.

I would say some other stuff needs explaining (Elpis takes in a barmaid?), but I'm seeing that most of them are resolved through the storytelling in bits and pieces, so it's golden.

I do really like the idea that Ardent, a lover of Luna, has Zebra flashbacks.

And keep up the good work!

Good chapters! :pinkiehappy: Slightly dissapoited in scene with drunk Nimble:scootangel:
FoE ponies have not need to act as a modern americans.:facehoof:

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