• Member Since 19th Dec, 2015
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Crono411


Brony who is late to join the herd.

Comments ( 69 )

Hey. I'm not wanting to be rude, but your short description is fairly dull. It barely tells anything about the story, nor does it peak my interest with some unique sentences. All it says is basically "Join this nobody on some adventure through the Wasteland, like you've all done so before many times!".

You should add some uniqueness to it, so it captures the wandering eye's attention. What makes your story different to all the rest? The short description is supposed to answer this question in a few sentences.

Dealing the finishing blow to a giant robot Cerberus is sure to kick off a life of adventure!:rainbowdetermined2::pinkiehappy:

I've seen a lot of Fo:E stories on this site, and this one's starting out relatively strong. We get a chance to see our protagonist and the traits she has that make her special, and get to see a bit of our supporting cast in action. Cool!

That being said, I feel like we're missing a bit of detail when it comes to Ardent and the life she's lived until this point. She's obviously bored and wants to join the action, having lived in a town where nothing ever happens, but so far we haven't seen anything to really justify how she feels; in fact, she seems to have a pretty safe and happy life, if a bit uneventful.

Still, it was the first chapter, and I'm sure we'll be getting more insight later on.

I'll hold off giving a "like" just yet. But I'm definitely adding this to my "Tracking" list.

'Till next chapter.
-Erised

Oh wow. I totally thought Ardent was a mare for the whole first chapter. Look at me making assumptions!:rainbowlaugh:

Anyway, pretty good chapter. Looking forward to the next one.

7852277 Thanks! To be fair after your comment I reread the chapter and was like "Yup, no mention lol" the only hint was the perk he got and it's a fair assumption since a lot of FoE stories have female protagonists.

7990744 That's not roaster, it looks perfectly cooked lol

Nibble burst out into a snorting laughter, “He-he thinks you're a mare.”

Heh, that's the same mistake I made.
...
Oh, wait just a minute-!

Level up New perk: Filly at heart.

:ajbemused: Okay, now you're intentionally screwing with us.

Great chapter!:rainbowlaugh:

7991534 oh that's right filly means female child, nice catch I will fix that up.

Thrown in the middle of action, that's quite a beginning. You have my attention for the next chapters :ajsmug:
Both Ardent and the Elpis party have interesting traits and features, the grammar and spelling is good, your style enjoyable and flowing quite well. Also, if I can already judge, the setting in the Equestrian wasteland is well-done too.
The only recurring issue I noticed are missing apostrophes in possessive adjectives - I'll give you a list of examples through PM, no reason to have a comment section plaqued with mistakes once corrected.

That's what I'd call an action packed chapter! And not only that, you have fresh and inventive ideas and a good way of executing them. Also, I love all the references to the events of the original FO:E story :twilightsmile:
Surely looking forward to see more of this crazy pony party!

Love the story so far! I'd love to see more. Keep up the good work!

Interesting chapter with character development and set up for the later events if I can guess. Great!

It's good! Can you add more epic to your description? You know, more dramatic/flowery language, and stuff.

8163413 Funny you should mention, I plan on trying a new short/long description next chapter release. Right now my short is basically exposition and my long is almost like a prolog, but I suck at descriptions so we will see how they work out.

Damn I like this story! :pinkiehappy: Much better than I expected. Need more details in combat scenes and overall. But fuck good.:twilightsmile:

This Fo:E book has been advertised on my Fo:E group on facebook. https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/
Feel free to join us on there. We encourage self-promotion, bragging and gushing about your own or other people's fics. Great place to hang out and make friends. :)

That was an unexpected plot twist. Looking forward to hearing the fight story! :twilightsmile: Also, I wonder what will rise from the "blasphemious" part.

Well, dragon is wothless if it obsessed with gems.:trixieshiftright:
Good chapter.:twilightsmile:

I was going to do some work today and you publish a chapter, why? :raritydespair:

Glad to see the Elpis' adventures continue! This one surely was a blast, both with the fight and then the more slice-of-life moment. I'm glad to see all is settled with Nibble :twilightsmile:

Nice chaper! Keep writting.:twilightsmile:

I really like the subtle way you let us know where in the timeline this story takes places. Since we know Ditzy's tongue was removed by slavers and she can't speak in the original FOE, having Ardent be privy to her basically losing her tongue was cleverly done.

I like your flashbacks. It's a nice way to get a little bit of Ardent's background at a time. And your level up and quest perk for this chapter. *kisses fingers* Bellisima

How much did the cover art cost you?

8526597
It was a lot lol, can't remember the exact amount (over 200?). Done by Asimos, link is in the summary, his commission details are on there, not sure if they have changed since I got mine done.

Oh, many new things revealed and even more new questions arising, I like that! :twilightsmile:
Also, seems like nopony can resist Clover's orders... for long.

I'm really liking this story so far, and I'm diggin these new developements. Flashbacks to the life of a pre-war Zebra? Nice. Mysterious ghoul armed with The Stare? Double nice.

The chapters don't drag on longer than they need to, either. The only thing that needs work is proofreading for grammatical mistakes, and that's not even a consistently occuring issue.

I would say some other stuff needs explaining (Elpis takes in a barmaid?), but I'm seeing that most of them are resolved through the storytelling in bits and pieces, so it's golden.

I do really like the idea that Ardent, a lover of Luna, has Zebra flashbacks.

And keep up the good work!

Good chapters! :pinkiehappy: Slightly dissapoited in scene with drunk Nimble:scootangel:
FoE ponies have not need to act as a modern americans.:facehoof:

Interesting ending... and a very thrilling chapter, I'm sorry for taking so long to get back to it! :derpytongue2: Also, I really like the Kalita part!

8664577
Thank you! I was pretty hyped to get this chapter out (and tbh the next three). Your continuous comments and help are greatly appreciated.

8664850
You are welcome! I’m looking forward to them, then :pinkiesmile:

Mmm.. maybe they will create one big flesh golem from this ghouls?:pinkiecrazy:. Would be nice. Keep writting:pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Crono411 deleted January 28th

Good chapter! Hope authors will stop to use hordes of bloodwings. They should no exist in such numbers cus you know... There are no food for them.:trixieshiftright:
Keep writing.:twilightsmile:

Really great two chapters, I really regret taking so long to get back to reading this. Increadible action, great atmosphere and settings, many surprises, references to the original FoE (Loved the Pinkie bit!) and plenty of lore. I wonder how many statuette-virtue-injections are still out there... :trixieshiftleft: Also, poor Nibble!

Wait no prologue? No introduction to the story? No way for me to ease into the writing style and present my REVIEW TIME... Well so be it, lets get this train on track and head out there into the wasteland!

This is not your typical "In media res" start to a story, but damn how do I love it when you get that little snipit of normal life before shit hits the fan and the characters world get turned upside down. We haven't learned so much about the characters, so dosn't have that much to say this time around, beside that a little short prologue would do wonders, it is the classical way of doing it after all.

Nitpicks: This is the part of the review where I let the pre-reader part of my brain take over and comment on some of the things that I simply can't miss.
"She glanced over. “Are you staring at my flank?” she said playfully.
I blushed. Not staring, just momentarily checking. “N-no.”" I was expecting some more back and forth between the two, if Nibble was flirting did she not really do a good job, and if she was offended and hiding it did it not show up that well.

"They were about to lose this fight.." Double period

8715039
(Quick fix of that double period and) Hey there thanks for taking the time to comment! I definitely see what you mean with the Nibble part, even an extra line would do wonders to set the tone. It is meant to be flirty and no offense taken.

I tried to make a prologue a few times but I always felt I set the wrong atmosphere or revealed more then I wanted, and the first chapter seemed to do what I wanted without so I decided to hit the ground running.

I appreciate the feedback and look forward to any future comments. Hope you enjoy!

Another day, another REVIEW TIME!

"This includes, but is not limited to ponies, weapons, animals, and machines"

Wait... The pipbucks was made by Stable-tec, made to protect ponies, why would the manual mention that it would it mention shooting on other ponies? Mentioning zebras, and pointing out how it was made for personal protection, would make it more in line with the MLP part of FoE. One thing to really remember about FoE is how Stable-Tec actually did all of their stuff with good intentions, but just as Fluttershy and the megaspells, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

So able to make a rocket launcher after seeing it just once, able to tone all things out and only concentrate on one sense, and having a tome for a bookmark... Do I smell eidetic memory? Would actually be pretty neat to see a "mimic" char in the middle of other chars with high level specialities, but it is just damn hard to pull of in the length, too many small details that need to be kept track off so there won't be any plotholes, lets see how it works out for Ardent in the long run.

Nitpick:
"Holy Luna, Pip-Bucks can truly do miracles, and fucking Celestia this needle that just shot through my cheek hurts! " It seems to be two separate thoughts, so the and should not be in italic

" Your vision will then display a hud at the bottom of your peripherals showing any nearby locations." HUD is an abbreviation so it should be in all capital letters, but with that said, would ponies with their low tech world know what a heads up display is?

" I wandered into a general store where a handful of ponies were shopping." Most other stories use hoofful instead here.

REVIEW TIME!... yea I have no funny joke intro for that one.

So time for Ardent to see the real world, and for us to see a bit of backstory, and beside this chapter being on the shorter side, it feeling more like a single scene in a chapter than a whole one compared to some of the other stories out there, am I quite liking this. Its nice to see that Ardents special ability isn't all powerful, as he himself said, just because he can mimic others does it not mean that he is as strong as them after all, and while his ability seems to work each time are there limitations to it, nicely done!

Seeing as he didn't get any level this time do I wonder why he got one last chapter. I get he got one for killing the giant robot... which still needs an explanation, but he did not really do anything last time, unless the robot gave him so much EXP that finding a new area was what tipped the scales and got him to level up, who knows.

Nitpick:
"Without knowing what to I backed away." Should properly be "what to do"

"Featherweight's Printing Press " Consistency is key, and last chapter did you write the area pop up differently.

8716317
You have quite the eye and attention to detail. I think you'll catch all the references I make and catch on quick to the things I am foreshadowing later on.

I have kinda made a promise to myself not to change anything more then grammar errors on my posted chapters that way I keep moving forward and don't get caught in the endless loop of editing, but your catch on the Pip-Buck tutorial makes me think I have to break it. You are totally right, the focus of SATS would be of self defense and not aggression. I could make up an excuse like maybe the Stable it came from saw the combat use and added those tutorials but I'd rather have it follow Stable-Tec.

Then finally I figured two bloatsprites and discovery were enough for level 3, I'm being nice to Ardent just this once lol. And once I am not at work I agree with all the nitpicks so I'll go fix those up.

Thanks again! When I see someone catching all the fine details really gets me motivated to try harder and make sure future chapters are cohesive and have as few errors as possible.

8716438
I have been a pre-reader for 5 years or so, and have even had a freelance job pre-reading on a P&P product line, so yea I catch the smaller stuff. Could be because I am a Dane and had to learn the language instead of it coming naturally to me, could be because of my Autism that I catch all of the small things, who knows, anyway am I glad that it is able to motivate you. I had another person that got quite angry at me "for having the nerve to point out the mistakes in public!!1!"... Yea some people are weird

8716579
I mean I understand the author side, they put a lot of time and effort in their work so it can be tough to hear it criticized, but that's how you grow to be a better author by understanding the critism and sadly a lot of authors get stuck in their pride.

When I see critism, like my first comment to my fic by Sk1Tz 7792818 they say my descriptions are bland, which they were I've changed them, you need to read between the lines. They read the whole first chapter and only criticized the description, to me that feels pretty good. People don't usual leave comments on things they hate, they downvote and move on. If someone leaves a critical comment it means they like it enough to want to see it get better, so I see almost all comments as a positive thing. :twilightsmile:

Review time light edition, now with 90% less capital letters!

Hah that first paragraph, gotta love meta humour like that. PH overdid it with how Blackjack took a clipboard and used that as a shield, planning to make a whole armour out of the flimsy thing, but this hit just the sweet spot.

F.F.I? Can't remember hearing their name before, so are looking forward to see what kind of villainy they have been doing in pre-war time and what kind of shite it leads to for our wasteland ponies. Could they have something to do with the three headed robot doggy? Only time will tell I guess

“Wood shrapnel is more shocking than lethal.”

I would really like if there got some descriptor added to this line so we knew what to think about it, what does Clovers body language say, how do he react when questioned by one of his subordinates? What makes him say such a harsh thing when they are paid to save civilian lives? A little descriptor added to this would really tell a lot about Clover, as well as the chemistry between him and Nibble... I have not said it yet by the way, but I simply love that name and I could totally see her snuggled up somewhere nibbling on a carrot or an apple or something like that.

A cool sounding voice that suddenly appear and disappear without a trace, helping out when the character is in their biggest moment of need... I smell a Mysterious Stranger perk!

So I did also notice it the last chapter, but did not think more about it as such as I thought that you were wrong, but after a google search... I do not think that it is smart drinking a poultice :derpytongue2:

Welp seems like he is falling in nicely with the rest of the group. Sure he made a screw up, but he still have some time how to learn to be a grade A meatshield! As said before, it would not have hurt combining this chapter with the last one since they are so well connected into each other, people are used to read 30K chapters in here, so you do not have to worry that much about length after all.

Nitpicks:
"I took a deep breath and steeled myself. I checked every corpse we crossed." This could easily be combined into one big sentence, and the first half should not be in italic.

"Bandages covered her rear and blood was already starting to soak through.." The return of the double period! Hiss I say, hiss!

"but after a few notes and lots of hugs spirits were at an all time high." I think that you are missing a comma here

"The bartender grabbed a decanter filled with a oak colored liquid from the top shelf and poured our shots." Pretty sure its an here.

"but was followed by pleasant smoky aftertaste." I am pretty sure you are missing an a here

8716673
Oh no, is poultice wrong... it is, ugh that's a lot of times I need to change that lol. Shucks liked it so much better then potion but what can you do.

8716693
The easiest way to find them all is by doing a CRTL+F which pop up the search function, and then put in the word that you are looking for, heck you can even get Google docs to change one word out with another one if you want

NOES! Not those! Anything else than those!... I do not know what those are exactly just yet, but I do not expect that it is a REVIEW TIME which this is.

I got out of bed, stretched to the best of my ability, and grabbed my saddle bags before going downstairs.

Wait... no popping of the tired joints after a long long day of wastelanding and then celebrating? How young and spry is this stallion! Well this could explain a bit about why he is so green and wet behind the ears... And why he are staring at all of the flanks as well!

So seeing the textfile that there got downloaded, with it being plain text like the rest of the chapter is it a bit confusing at first. I have seen a lot of people write read text in italic, but I quite like it when the quote coding are used as it makes it pop out a little bit more.

Its always really interresting to see what original ideas people have, some invent giant rock lobsters, some ghoul unicorns that leak spells like glowing ones leak radiation, and now necromantic chimeras. The nature of the wasteland is really fascinating!

NOES! It was a cliffhanger! It was one of those! But cliffhangers are cheaty and not at all fun and annoying and cheaty and stupid and cheaty and not at all fun!

Nitpicks:
"It seems I found my place among ELPIS after all, as a barmaid." Changing the comma out of an ellipse would make the flow better would I say.

"He levitated out a scalpel and carved into the conjoining part of pony and blaotsprite" Bloatsprite

"Sorry Luna" Should be in italic... I think

A page and looking for the original... No black book of Necronomicon for you!

Hmmm... yea dosn't seem like a mysterious stranger anymore, too much talking. Don't know why I am thinking Discord, but that is just me guessing by now,

Taint... Speaking off it do I not hope that PH will taint this story too much!

So after the impromptu biology lesson do I quite like Gale. He have humour, he is the medic, and he have time to teach Ardent about the Wasteland, what a swell and charismatic guy!

No review time? Exactly. Its late over here and I don't have the energy to pull the big guns out right now, better just enjoy the story and chillax instead of waiting for tomorrow when I have slept.

Nitpicks
" With step she tore into the cracked earth" something seems off here.

"Before I hit the ground a saw a spray of blood escape the brahmin and the eel slip back into the earth." Should be I... and I don't think that a giant eel, one there are big enough to swallow a pony in a single bite in the show, would just leave a spray of blood if it got its teeth into a brahmin. Sorry to say it Melody, but half of you should properly be eaten, be glad for plot armour!

"“What now?”" You lack a space before this sentence.

Seeing as you dislike going back and making big changes will this feedback properly be rather unpopular... But this chapter did not get the time it needed to play itself out properly. Its hard to make a scene seem mysterious when the mystery get so little time to set in, think about a horror movie, a good horror movie give itself time to get under your skin, letting an hour go by as it present spooks and then let people fall down again before it hits the big crescendo, but this... You used twice the amount of words to describe them going up against a group of raiders, and a single almost 6K long chapter is simply not enough to set the mood. For this to really work could see a cliffhanger happen when we meet the dragon, there have been an extra scene put in somewhere to up the creepy spook factor, because this seemed like it was a half hour horror special instead of a fully fletched movie. You clearly know how to write, so you not giving your story enough time and words to breath properly is such a shame. The idea of a gem garden is so cool, so original, so Fo with it being the solution to all of the worlds problems, but first being found when it is way too late, and without taking a sneak peek on the next chapter does it seem that we are already leaving it behind, this tech that could marvel a megaspell in power, us not even knowing if there are some fatal flaw with the whole system or not, beside the obvious one of the gems being slow growing and hard to make.

As said, its really a shame when all of the elements are so well made, but dosn't get the full room to show themselves off properly.

Nitpicks:
"My heart raced as the memory of the necromantic unicorn grabb8ng me with his magic forced its way into my mind." Yo none of that L33T internet speaking in my stories! Can you get that away! Shoo shoo!

"“Burned alive,” " Needs a space in front of this sentence.

"“Ughggg, shut the fuck up.”" Seeing as she is an asskicker, pun very much intended, would the pony "buck" actually be rather fitting in her vocabulary instead of fuck, especially so when she is young and a stable pony as well.

"As I looted I backed into a painting of a tree and nudged it off center" Seems as if there are lacking a word in the start of your sentence

"Right before I caught her she wrapped herself in a purple aura causing her to be as light as a feather.I set her down" You have some tense troubles here, and I would connect both sentences with some rewording and a comma.

"After getting out of the gory mess I set Nibble down" Should be past tense.

8717392
All right nitpicks are fixed up (thank you for pointing them out), and time I finally learn how to use that quote thing with this reply lol.

So seeing the textfile that there got downloaded, with it being plain text like the rest of the chapter is it a bit confusing at first.

I have it in the Fallout font on my Gdoc but that does not transfer over, I tried italics or making in green but both came off as a bit of an eye sore.

Taint... Speaking off it do I not hope that PH will taint this story too much!

Never read PH actually, just the original, three times, because I am working within some fun cannon constraints for reasons.

All right now on to your main comment. You actually hit my greatest weakness as a writer. I am terrible with slowing the scene/story down when it matters. The chapters you have read used to be 1-2k fewer words then what they are now. I am what writing books call a lean writer, if it does not create an atmosphere, advance the plot or a character, or describe something important I don't really add it. I like this writing for the most part, but it hits me hard for chapters like this one, I wish I could have slowed down more. Only a few chapters later did I realize a few scenes I could of added to help but given my rule I chose to learn from the mistake and move forward. So hopefully the next time you read a scene like this from me it will be greatly improved.

Anyway the other things need no reply, I am thankful for all the compliments and don't want to reply to speculation to avoid spoiling anything :raritywink:

Do'h! I am clearly too rusty if I can't figure out that F.F.I is Flim Flam Industries, and those guys stealing Stable-tec tech... Ohh this is going to be glorious!

Nitpick:
"A saw blade flew through the air following the path of magic aura and decapitated the raider. I started to piece together how Gale’s aim spell might work." Show don't tell. With how you else are good at explaining things is this really clunky.

So yea... you have heard it before, and will properly hear it again from me, the dream sequence was way way too short. Think about it, if you were playing a game and the character got knocked out, would you then be satisfied with a 20-30 sec long dream sequence that you got thrown into out of the blue, just to be pulled back into the game again? It is 245 words long says my word counter, that is 54secs of read time and 1min 22sec of speaking time, a minute is not long enough to sink into a scene, especially not when you are so direct with your word choices.

Wait... what... Ardent have trouble remembering something! Shit are surely going down now, too bad that there are so few chapters left before I am caught up with the story :pinkiesad2:

“With benefits?”

I request... Neigh I demand an ear nibble from Nibble as she say that line! I demand it I say! Nibble the ear nibbler will one day rule the Wasteland, not a single ear having gone unnibbled!

So you have properly noticed how my tone have changed a little bit, how it have become sporadic notes instead of fully fetched commentary, its a bad habit of mine when I read stories that I like, I sink in too deep for me to deliver any smart words, and do only wanna stop up and write things down quickly so I can get back to the story once again. So it isn't because I have lost interest, quite the opposite.

So reading that last scene... you should maybe add a "sex" tag to the storry as well as it are getting pretty smexy with some of the things that Ardent are up to :raritywink:

Nitpicks:
" I could see the reflection of the tank like machine made of dark metals filling the hallway. " How does Ardent know what a tank is? Especially since they ain't mentioned in FoE so far I remember.

"The ammonia scent filling the labs was replaced with smell of body odor and burning metal as the doors slid out of the way to reveal a massive manufacturing floor. " This is the first time that you mention the scent in this chapter, which makes it come a bit out of the blue.

"Gale levitated a scalpel and cut a hole in the glass" Just because something is sharp, and I don't really think a wasteland scalpel would be so, they blunt amazingly fast since they are only made to be used once since that is the best way to secure them being sterile, are you not really able to cut into solid matter like that. I know that there are the trope of blades being so sharp that they can cut steel and such, but no matter how sharp an edge is does the following material have width, and that width can't just be forced trough whatever you are cutting. Meat is easy to cut since it is so elastic, but try cutting trough a whole ham and you have to pull the ham to the side or the cuts side will press down on the knife, making it hard to cut... Sorry major nerd gripe, I know.

"The bar reeked of one to many spilled drinks and was full of ponies at all levels of inebriation" The saying is "one too many"

"After the initial wave of praise passed the drinking contest commenced" I think that you are missing a comma here, it left me confused the first few times my eyes went over it before I realised that there could have been one there.

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