• Member Since 24th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 7th, 2019

SubjectNumber2394


[Dream Sequence and Pointless Romance Subplot free zone]

T

Starlight Glimmer starts receiving tomorrow's newspaper today.

She doesn't know where it comes from or why it comes to her. For better or for worse Starlight finds herself in possession of powerful magic, and only has twenty-four hours to change the lives of ponies she's never met.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 27 )

Methinks you should add the "Crossover" tag, considering this is based off that old show.

Wow, I haven't heard about that show in years.

Now there's a show I dearly miss. :pinkiehappy: Went into this expecting it to be simply a ponification of said show, but I am pleased instead you appear to be taking a unique MLP-based approached to the same idea. I will be curious to see where it goes.

Also, this calls for some fitting music:

Yeah, that was one of the few sci-fi shows that TV didn't ruin

"User Major" was the only error I saw.

I am disappointed that you didn't get to the part about the early edition before publishing.

7671448
I might. I'm hesitant to though as my understanding of crossovers is that it needs to significantly take from at least two sources. This is just using the premise of one. It's not using any of the characters or worlds from EE.
"Basically fanfiction for multiple fandoms at the same time, drawing from two or more sources for the story’s ‘canon’" - Tag guidelines

7671642
Glad you like it so far! You might see some small parallels to the original but overall I want this to be its own story.

7671852
Fixed User Major. And I was debating whether or not to write to that part first. But if I did I would have needed to add a fair bit extra and I want to limit the chapters to around 3-4000 words.

Automatic favorite a d like for basing off one of the best shows I've ever watched.

7671448 I disagree. Crossover tags generally serve as a warning/indication that the work will (partially) be "leaving pony"; that is, outside knowledge may be required. If it just borrows ideas rather than characters, locations or complete story lines, it's better off with a "based off of" note somewhere, like it currently is. Though I'd probably put that note in the story description, not an author's note, if it were me. It could probably use an Adventure tag, though. I'd like to see this go in that direction.

Regarding the story: early on, it's tough to get a feel for what the mood is. There's a lot of jibes going around, but not much to indicate whether it's jovial or everyone's just grumpy. You should try to describe body language more alongside the dialogue, so it's not just free-standing. Example:

“Oh, didn't I tell you? Rarity wasn't able to make it today on account of, as she puts it, 'unforeseen circumstances'. Although I'd wager she's just behind on her work. And by work I mean spa treatments.”

Whether Starlight finds this annoying or inconveniently endearing is unclear. Is she smirking? Frowning? Twirling a hoof while looking away? What are her ears doing?

Next off, the Season Finale: is it important that this takes place after that? If not, I strongly advise not mentioning that. As-is, it doesn't really contribute anything to the plot; Starlight and Trixie have been friends for most of the season already. And you don't even mention that it happens after prior to dropping a really big spoiler, which will really tick off anyone who hasn't seen it yet, for whatever reason, and might even earn you a downvote or two on principle. At least leave a note in the description, I'd say.

Spike: he's being a really, really big punching bag here. And a klutz. It's kind of stereotypical.

Now, the elephant in the room: the premise. The description talks about Starlight getting a magical newspaper and setting off to do good, but what the story's about is her waking up, eating breakfast, hanging out with Trixie and getting stuff blown up. Not bad for Slice of Life, but it's not what was advertised. I assume you're building up for a headline about Trixie getting smashed doing her show, but even that doesn't really fit; you talked about her helping ponies she'd never even heard of. And really, we know what everyone's here for. I'm sure you've got a reason for spending a bunch of time worldbuilding first, but will it be worth the amount of potential readers who haven't heard of the show, check it out because of the description, and get bored and leave? Especially when it's Incomplete and you haven't yet gotten to the newspaper at all?

Trixie's fireworks: wow, those must be really bad fireworks if you can set them off by dropping something on them when they're entirely magical. And if Starlight can redo their enchantments just like that, why go to Canterlot to get more? She should be able to just make them. Also, using really big, bright flashes like that as a distraction from a magic trick (when there's real magic involved) doesn't really work; it's too obvious that they're a distraction. If I was watching a trick like that and was temporarily blinded at the moment of truth, I'd just assume she walked out of the way and hopped up on top. The whole point of magic tricks is to make your audience feel like they can see everything that's going on, then pull a fast one anyway. Not to blatantly tell them they can't.

Misc spelling errors:

Everypony's a sceptic.

suddenly the doors were thrown open and in wondered a large stack of books

There's also a bunch of period and comma abuse and misuse, mainly around dialogue split up into multiple sentences. I'd advise checking out the site's writing guide, it has a fairly thorough section on how to handle dialogue punctuation.

I'll be tracking this. Have a like once we reach the promised newspaper.

7673905
Thanks for the critique! I appreciate the time it took to write all that.

You should try to describe body language more alongside the dialogue, so it's not just free-standing.

i thought this might be the case, im used to working on comics where you can visually have the character do stuff while they talk. Ill add more actiony words where i can.

the Season Finale: is it important that this takes place after that?

It mostly needs to take place after Every Little Thing she Does, this was just something she could relate to Trixie with to show that. I guess its also important that starlights character is past the whole self doubt thing. Probably better ways to do it this was just the most relavant point. Ill add a spoiler tag when i get a chance.

Spike: he's being a really, really big punching bag

Didnt even realise until you mentioned it, he has a more important role later on so i guess it didn't seem like a big deal right now. Ill make it up to him.

Not really much i can do about not getting to the paper yet. Either i skip this chapter and things feel 'convenient' in the next. Or i write 8000 words, and id rather just get feedback on this before i write that much at once.

I'd just assume she walked out of the way and hopped up on top.

This is the point i was making with the smoke bombs, the flash doesnt last long enough to cover something like that but smoke would act too slow. Might have to make it clearer.
Id also say covering up tricks with flashes and mirrors is something magicians do a lot. The best ones are just the ones who can hide it well.

Ill fix the spelling when i get a chance.

I read at least 3 writing guides here and over on eqd before i started writing. Good comma use will just come in time i feel.

I remember this show was pretty cool series I loved it.

Nice! I love this chapter, lookforward to more.

Goddess Empress of Pony Kind : Starlight Glimmer is going to rule over all with her amazing powers of time travel. She might as well become a temporal-corn.

(Temporal-corn is not a word)

I'm liking this already.

Also,
Starlight is the Sovereign of Time/ Temporal Sovereign.

Even though you had made it quite clear that you intended to make this story it's own thing and to fit purely into the MLP universe, I was still kind of hoping for the cat to make an appearance. But Owlowiscious will do too. :twilightsmile:

Though considering that he's technically Twilight's pet...it does make me wonder how Twi fits into all of this, if she even does...

Wonder how things went with Spike and the lottery ticket.

Very nice story - I'm enjoying what you are doing with the Early Edition concept (so Early Equestrian is the name of the newspaper too - interesting...).

I wonder if Starlight will tell Twilight and the rest of the Mane6 about the tomorrow's newspaper (I can Celestia knowing about the newspaper, but not necessarily from where it comes from...

And I agree with Scyphi that it was a surprise that you used Owlowiscious as the newspaper's deliverer if he didn't do so for Twilight...

And Starlight just did forget to buy Trixie's fireworks, isn't? :twilightoops::trixieshiftleft:

Really looking forward to see more hijinks (don't forget that Early Edition had comedy and adventure too! :raritywink:)

Wow I didn't think anyone remembered Early Edition. CooL!!

Well, that's an interesting show premise to cross over into a pony fic, so what the heck, tracking for now. This is a lot more slice-of-life content than any real drama to start, and if it stays that way you would be much advised to put the Slice of Life tag onto it.

Though saying that, I wonder if Starlight's newspaper actually had a date on them. Not that she would even bother looking at it first (I know I certianly don't bother looking at the date most of the time on my newspapers), but if there was, I'm certain she'll be rushing home to look at the dateline again.

It's honestly refreshing that Spike and Trixie at the start of the chapter are being voices of reason and say "If you got a newspaper today, maybe you'll get another one tomorrow that'll let you fix things for tomorrow" (and of course they're proven right). Starlight manages to get some character development in the process with the filly on the train, though I wonder how long it'll be before she finds herself being run ragged some days with no time for herself. Of course, in that event since Spike and Trixie already know, one of them could presumably take over and help.

Six month checkup. Love to see more.

8153607 I'm about! I've just been focusing on other things for a bit. This is and always will probably be on the lower priority for me. With that said I'm about 3000 words into the current chapter with 3-4 scenes left to write.

Don't really have an estimate right now but once I've finished with my current project this'll probably take over the time I've been spending on that.

Whew! I really over extended with this one. I'll try and keep it more contained next time because there was way too much happening in this chapter for my current level of writing to keep up with.

It's great to see this back! :twilightsmile::yay:
This chapter really worked as an episode of Early Edition - apparently don't even a tomorrow's newspaper can face Murphy's Law! :pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh:

So, mysterious magical disturbances, huh? I wonder what Twilight would think if she discover that her student and her newspaper are on the middle of it! So, Discord knows, no surprise here (and I think that Celestia knows of the paper), but I wonder how Pinkie didn't discover it yet...

It would be interesting if thet discover about the pony equivalent of Lucius Snow...

Can't wait for the next chapter! :yay:

Ha! I was just thinking of this fanfic today at work and thinking it really needed an update, and lo and behold, I come home to find it had done precisely that! Funny how that works out. :rainbowlaugh:

Anyway, great to see another chapter and for things to continue moving on. This definitely seemed like the sort of story you'd have gotten in the show, and hopefully we'll be getting many more much sooner this time. *hint-hint* :twilightsmile:

Ha, looks like Starlight overestimated how useful the Early Equestrian can be. It's proof she needs to do some more research before she rushes headlong into trying to save ponies again. Though if the EE changes its headlines depending on which city Starlight is in, she's definitely going to have to set a firm line as to how much she can do in one day, or else Starlight is going to exhaust herself running around all of Equestria.

At the end, Discord being cryptic about magical disturbances? Clearly Starlight and Trixie aren't very savvy, or else they'd be revealing the truth of the newspaper to Twilight right about now because of course those two things are going to be related.

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