President Nightmare Moon

by awesomesauce4

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]
Subject: How’s it going?

It seems the Earth is rapidly running out of viable hatred for your kind. I know you have a base in the United States near the ‘Westboro Baptist Church’ – perhaps we could meet up sometime and discuss alternatives?
Also, how is your relationship with Luna going? I hear you two are on the cusp of marriage – congratulations are in order! I should know, as Luna and I were far too cagey with our romantic feelings for far too long. I am impressed that you managed to seduce her!
But enough about our history, let us get back to the present. Where are the rest of the umbra at the moment?
-Nightmare Moon

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]
Subject: Re: How’s it going?

FIRST OF ALL, APOLOGIES FOR THE BROKEN ‘CAPSLOCK’ KEY. IT’S BEING FIXED. EVENTUALLY.
SECOND, MOST OF US ARE STILL NEAR THE WESTBORO CHURCH. WE’RE DRAINING THEM AS HARD AS WE CAN, BUT THEY DON’T SEEM TO BE RUNNING OUT ANYTIME SOON – THERE’S SO MUCH RESIDUAL HATRED IN THIS PLACE THAT IT’S ACTUALLY SUSTAINING THEM. IT’S ACTUALLY KIND OF INCREDIBLE.
LUNA AND I ARE DOING WELL. OUR MARRIAGE CEREMONY IS GOING TO BE NEXT WEEK, IN CANTERLOT. YES, YOU’RE INVITED. ALSO, LUNA SAYS TO ‘BACK OFF FROM MY STALLION.’ CONSIDERING SHE’S ESSENTIALLY TALKING TO A MIRROR, I FIND THIS AN ESPECIALLY FUNNY EXCHANGE.
CHIEF TENEBRIS SAYS THAT HE WOULD BE FINE WITH MEETING YOU AND JEREMY. HE REALLY WANTS JEREMY TO BE THERE FOR SOME REASON. SAYS HE HAS ‘GOOD IDEAS.’ THIS, ABOUT THE SAME HUMAN WHO GASSED HIMSELF WITH CHLORINE FOR A SOLID HALF HOUR LAST WEEK. SOMEONE NEEDS TO GIVE HIM A PROPER LAB INSTEAD OF A BACKYARD SO HE STOPS NEARLY KILLING HIMSELF.
-SOMBRA

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]
Subject: Earth

How is Earth coming along? I have heard nothing but good things from the rest, but I figured I may as well ask the current most important political figure.
Speaking of which, Sam forwarded a most curious video to me. It appeared to depict you doing some sort of dance move to what appears to be Swedish pop music? Is this what the colts and fillies do nowadays? Perhaps I should join in, it seems to have made you extremely popular with the younger demographics.
I must ask, though, are you planning to expand your borders? The United States of America is quite large, but there are many other countries that are apparently demanding your guidance. The United Nations (did the U.S.A. steal their concept?) are quite adamantly requesting your presence in a summit – they even managed to contact me.

Love,
Celestia

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]
CC: [e-mail]
Subject: Re: Earth

Earth is coming along fine – or, at the very least, America is. Just last week, we passed a bill making discrimination of any variety punishable by law. Everyone seemed fine with this, which Jeremy was apparently quite surprised by. Perhaps the umbra have affected more than we thought.
It is indeed a dance, and a most invigorating one at that. You should try it! The fans love it.
(It seems to be the other way around? I am unsure.)
For now, I am focusing on America. Sombra already has agents abroad cleaning up Europe, Asia and Africa, and a few en route to Australia as well. Besides, America is quite the hoofful! Last week alone, I was besieged by so many suitors that I had to take refuge inside the White House. Sister, what do I do about all these human suitors? They are everywhere!

Love,
Nightmare Moon

P.S. We really must remind the others to use a complimentary close in their letters.

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]
Subject: Suitors

Send them our way, we’ll take care of them. Alternatively, you could always start a harem. *wink wink*

Not-entirely-sincerely,
-Jeremy

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]
CC: [e-mail]
Subject: Meeting

My schedule has been busier than ever as of late, mainly because I have been dealing with the plethora of suitors that have been camped outside of the White House for about a week now. I have managed to convince most of them to leave, but a few remain stubborn. At this point, I am giving serious consideration to Jeremy’s suggestion – while tenacious, none of them are belligerent… and all of them are quite attractive.
But I digress. Perhaps this Tuesday would be suitable? I am available from approximately 1 P.M. to 5 P.M.

Sincerely,
-Nightmare Moon

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail], [e-mail]
Subject: Re: Meeting

Sounds good. We finally got the capslock key fixed! Synthesia stopped by and figured it out in less than a minute. I suppose she did build the computer. She looks rather thin – has she been getting enough food lately?
Also, Jeremy, Thorax requests a meeting with you. He says he is still confused as to his role in your Hive, and wants clarification on a few things. His schedule is completely open, so he is going to head over to your Hive outpost and wait until you are ready.
Er… what did Jeremy suggest? I must have missed it.

Yours,
Princess Luna

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail]
Subject: Responses

I have decided to compile these responses into one, as they are so closely tied together – I did not know you could send an “electronic mail” to multiple recipients at once!
Jeremy suggested I form a harem, which has not been common practice in America… ever, as far as I know. I have yet to decide on whether I should or not. The suitors have been placated for the most part with promises of friendship, though some of the male ones keep mentioning something called the “friend zone.” Is this an area I can find to make new friends? They seem quite disparaged about it, so I am uncertain.
The new Congress has been running smoothly as of late – not a single argument has been had. They have been quite useful in instructing me about Earth, and one of them was even so kind as to loan me a history textbook! I shall have to have it copied and sent to everyone, it is a simply fascinating read. Anyway, I have been monitoring the polls – apparently I have an 82% ‘approval’ rating! From what I have researched of other presidents’ approval ratings, this is quite pleasing.
The meeting two days ago went quite well, as Chief Tenebris has agreed to utilize Star Swirl’s Mirror to travel elsewhere. At Jeremy’s suggestion, I might add, Sombra! For now, he and his umbra plan to remain on Earth, draining what’s left of the Westboro Church.
I hope to see you all again soon!

Love,
Nightmare Moon
President of the United States of America

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail]
Subject: Update

Harems haven’t been common practice… openly. There have been a rare few utopian movements that advocated free sexuality and polygamy, but they were quickly suppressed by the Christian majority. At any rate, when’s the last time anyone’s called you President? Over here, at least, everyone calls you Princess Nightmare Moon. Make of that what you will.
Sam contacted me again – actually, he stopped by in person! Turns out he was at a place called the Crystal Cave in Ohio – it looks a lot like an Equestrian cave or two. Words cannot describe my envy. Anyway, he’s learned how to teleport, so expect to be seeing a lot more of him in the near future. The rest of the Elements are still with him. Avery seems upset for some reason, though…
…Yes. If anyone asks about the friend zone, tell them they are officially in it. Forever. They’re friends for life. There is no escape.
82%, good job! From what I remember, a lot of our recent leaders barely scraped above 50, in part due to the massive amount of party loyalty.
To be fair, it was the most obvious suggestion to everyone present. I think Tenebris was going to bring it up if I didn’t – as soon as he started watching MLP, he zeroed in on that thing like a magnet.
No arguments? I heard that just the other day, there was a pretty vicious one going around. Something about your role as executive officer?
I checked in on Synthesia, and she assured me that she was eating quite well. She also told me that she hadn’t eaten anything in three days, so I took her back to the Hive and made her eat something. If you see her looking thin again, let me know. I’m not about to lose a changeling due to self-starvation when we just solved the regular starvation problem.

Love,
-Jeremy

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail]
CC: [e-mail]
Subject: Um…

Did anyone feel something just change? I can’t tell what it is, and it’s been bugging me.
I might just be being paranoid, but… that’s eerily close to what a SAVE file loading feels like.

-Jeremy

Comments

[Hein des Nisseroi]

Finally! Updated!
I was mentally shouting Sombra's mail with the broken caps lock. Akukekekekekekeke...

[Syroc]

... Why was Nightmare Moon not a candidate? I have feeling that "reformed villain magic horse" would have absolutely destroyed all competition.

[Razzy]

Hah, friend zone.

Uh-oh, something changed?