[*update* Season 4 now makes this fic almost incompatible with MLP canon. Derp.]
"Sing, O Muse, greatest of them all, Ingram the Melodious, of a world at war, a war of five-hundred years, a war between Ponies, Dragons and Hoofricans. Unto this world, two score and two years before the founding of our blessed Equestria, came a Blue Box bearing the Stallion of Time, and the mares of a distant land. And in their wake followed the villain, Master Tympanus, and the countless evils that were for countless generations imprisoned. Sing of their valiant deeds and the work of my predecessor, Starswirl the Bearded. Sing of their journeys, their tactics, and their battles. Sing lastly, O Muse, of the one noble pegasus who paid the ultimate price in the greatest act of love and friendship ever witnessed by this world."
- From Clover the Clever's Legend of the Blue Box, written 11 A.E (Anno Equitum)
The Doctor and Derpy bring the Mane 6 back to the Pre-Classical Era where the three kingdoms of Ponytopia, Hoofrica and Drakonia have been at war for five-hundred years. But a new threat emerges that threatens the whole world, and it's up to the Doctor, Derpy and the Mane 6 to stop it and bring peace between the three kingdoms. Is the magic of friendship powerful enough to save the world, or will time be forever rewritten by a different master?
(Credit for Starswirl the Bearded's design on the cover image goes to Emkay-MLP on Deviant Art (http://metrukuta.deviantart.com/art/Star-Swirl-the-Bearded-265360340). Thanks Emkay!)
(I originally wrote this in script form as a submission to a MLP screenwriting contest, then I decided to put it into prose form so I can submit it as a fan fic. So if you find that it sucks or is difficult to follow, I'm sorry I wasted your time.)
-Explain what the hell is going on. Seriously, we can't jump into your head.
-To tie in with the above, slow down. Starting off with fast-paced action scenes only works if we know what's going on, which we don't (unless this is a sequel to something)
-Use a little more originality. Equites? Dragonia? Hoofrica? Rainbow Sword? Maybe some people like cheesy portmanteaus but personally I think they're classless and distracting.
-Think about what you're writing. Ponies can't use swords. They lack things called fingers. Also, if Rainbow Sword was standing on the ground, how the hay was he able to take off his helmet AND hold a sword? Unless Pegasi had, like, six forehooves back in 11 A.E, that makes no sense.
-I want to talk more about Rainbow Sword. You know, you don't have to make him so obviously Rainbow Dash's ancestor that it's annoying. He can have a more unique name and cutie mark. Maybe even make him a Unicorn or Earth pony, y'know, so it's a surprise when readers find out who he is. I like how you made him have a black coat but still, everything else points towards laziness. Reveal later on that he is Rainbow Dash's ancestor. It adds some flavor to the story and it makes it more believable.
-Let me get this straight. This Ditzy Doo is obviously from the present MLP:FiM, since she states she used to work for a moving company, yet she doesn't know who the Mane Six are? Hasn't she worked with Rainbow Dash before? Rainbow Dash is a pretty recognizable character, even for Ditzy Doo.
Despite all of that, this was still an interesting read. You just need to work a lot on the story itself. In terms of a Derpy and Doctor adventure, it works, but if you want to make it into a medieval-type adventure story, it will fall flat on its face. There are only so many portmanteaus a reader can take.
EDIT: Oh, and space out your paragraphs. Annoying as buck to have to read through giant blocks of text.
848652 Things get pretty much explained in later chapters. Particularly in Ch. 3. Idk if you went on to read the other chapters, but based on your 6th point I'll just guess you didn't. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just a possible explanation for your confusion. In which case, I guess Ch. 1 doesn't make a very good impression....
I originally wrote the story as a script for an MLP screenplay contest and I wrote it as if it were an episode for the show, so I kept a childish spirit in it, which might explain some of the cheeziness. 
And when has not having fingers ever stopped anypony from holding things with their hooves? Octavia plays the cello yet she has no fingers. Cheerilee writes on a chalkboard yet has no fingers. And so on.
And I did mean for the sword to be in its sheath, not being held by Rainbow Sword, but I guess the sword wouldn't shine if it was sheathed. I'll fix that.
Thank you for the feedback! It was very useful!
850451 It doesn't take a lot strength to hold a piece of chalk and write or to play the cello. Ponies in MLP:FiM CAN hold certain objects if they bend the ends of their hooves, but wielding and using swords is completely impossible unless they have the hooves of Zeus.
It requires tremendous strength to wield a sword, especially as well as Rainbow Sword probably can based on his name, and without fingers to grip the weapon properly, it's just not going to happen.
Imagine you're wearing thick oven mitts with no thumb holes and you need to swing around a big kitchen knife. Now imagine the knife weighs sixty pounds and you need to swing it around. Pretty tough right?
I guess in the MLP world it could technically work though. Unexplained things have happened in the show before, after all. Just work on making Rainbow Sword a little more subtle, okay? And add some more explanation about what's going on. You don't have to worry about boring readers if your backstory is interesting. Provide some names but mostly just stick to the parts about fighting and why the dragons are fighting the war.
The sound of drums... we all know who that means.
...onr-two-three-four...
Yay a good update.
1416250 Yeah. Sorry this new chapter took so long. College getting in the way and all that.
850564
I have the hooves of Zeus...
They shoot lightning bolts.
Eat your heart out Master.
1982138 Whoa what? There are still people reading this??? I had assumed last week that this thing failed completely and it was forgotten among the giant piles of fanfics and the only point left to my writing was just for fun... Well, now... I just might not give up in finishing this!
1983359
Excellent!
Because, after all, Time Ponies are cool
ALLONS-Y MISTAKE!!!
Oh no, oo no, uw nuw, OH YEAH THIS STORY IS AWESOME!!! MAKE MORE PLZ!!!
1991706 Well... never expected to hear that from anypony
Yeah. That just happined.
This is a fun read, but you've got a few problems to sort through.
A young/adolescent male pony is not a filly. He's a colt. Filly is the feminine. You've referred to both young Doctor and young Starswirl as fillies, on multiple occasions.
In chapter 10, the Doctor suddenly has his sonic screwdriver back. After complaining a couple of chapters before that he no longer has his TARDIS or his sonic screwdriver.
I'm still reading, so I'll let you know if I trip over anything else obvious.
2090372 Aww shiiit, you're right. This is what happens when I let 7 months separate 6 chapters
Excuse me while I go cry in the Corner of Shame and then proceed to fix it.
2090372Okay fixed it. Back in the beginning of "Hall of Heroes"
Hey, it's pretty crowded here in the Corner of Shame, I haven't touched my own story in 5 or 6 months! Did you at least bring cookies?
classic master; plays the sob story, get the artifact, taunts and prepares for the next round
The time lords Returning, the earth will be burning, the last white point star is a trap for the master. THE DRUMS!
This was a great execution of the doctor's and the master's past. Even if it is in pony form.
This was a great execution of the doctor's and the master's past. Even if it is in pony form.
2250224Ermagerd I love Chameleon Circuit!
2250521Thank you! I'm pretty sure there's a lot of stuff considered non-canon in the DW fandom, but what the hell, this is MLP.
So awesome!
ah, so we 'meet the team' huh?
2266046I am almost ashamed with how shamelessly I made a reference.
I love this story. You've done an excellent job of weaving the backstory into the rest of the story. It was a little iffy at the beginning but quickly shaped up to a truly epic story. I can't wait for the update. For now you have left me with a thousand unanswered questions, a sign of a good writer so long as you can pull them all back together and I believe that you can.
2305480 Thank you so much. The beginning chapters were awful since it was my first time doing actual proper story-writing, but I improved a lot in the later chapters(I'll probably re-write the first few chapters some time in the future). I'm glad to have another reader for whom to write!
2312403
No Problem I've done that a million times. I'll get five or six chapters into a story and I'll go back to see if I'm staying consistent with what I originally wrote and I couldn't believe how bad my writing was.
You know i was playing Oblivion during this and thought of a scene where the doctor help Martin and the people inside the chapel. Did so in about 10 minutes of killing daedra.
OH COME ON I NEED MOAR
oh if thats okay with you..
2313182I'll be sure to satisfy. Glad to see you enjoyed it.
I don't know if im the first or not but id like to say that i think the fact that their god is Queen Faust is fricken hilarious. Any time i see that i can't help but laugh.
So, 900,000 kriphs is around 55% of a gigawatt? I hope Rainbow Sword can't get up to 88.7!
An update! Updates are good.
2692268 Always bring an update to a party.
Hey. Sorry that i Havent commented for a while i Havent been online very much and just now got a chance to read like the last five chapters. I really like where this is going and i love how you tied Rainbow Sword in. Cant wait for the next update. Ill try and read as soon as it comes out.
2704881 Thanks! And don't feel obliged to comment often. No one's obliged to anything here.
2705196
I still usually comment after each chapter I read, one because I want to share with you what I thought and two, to let you know that there is at least one person still rearing your story and egarly awaiting more.
I'm thoroughly surprised that more readers aren't taking the time to rate this story, be they likes or dislikes, because both can be helpful to a reader if coupled with comments.
2705249 Well then, I thank you very much. I really appreciate you taking the time to do that
2705484 Yeah, that's what gets me the most. The ratings here are old and outdated so I'm never really sure if people like the story or not. But really, just having a few consistent readers is enough to keep me motivated to write. And then there's the people who favorite the story, so I kind of interpret those as likes.
2707968
When I saw this, I liked it halfway through the chapter. I love this idea and your story, so keep on writing!
Another great chapter. I thought that you did Pinkies element quite nicely and hers can be tricky because not everything makes everybody laugh. I can say that you made me laugh and so cant wait for the next update.
2717660 Thanks! This chapter was a tough one to figure out but then I had one of those wonderful "Aha!" moments.
2718079
Those moments are great for stories as long as you can fit them into the story you're currently working on. Thats my problem is that i get those moments but they dont apply to the story Im working on. And something i forgot to say in my first comment: you also have me wondering who this mysterious orical is.
My brain refuses to accept that as anything less than a hitchhikers guide to the galaxy reference.
I also found the part where the Doctor was tranquilized a bit annoying, because Time Lords have such total control over their metabolisms that nothing can affect their systems unless they want it to. They can't even get drunk if they don't want to. (Although I do recognize that this is one of the more obscure facts of the whoniverse, and most
normalpeople don't obsess over useless facts the way I do).2720560 Ah, of course that's where it's from! I knew it was from somewhere but my brain was blanking as I tried to remember(must be the Silence).
And yes, I was aware of that. I suppose I must have failed to make it clear enough that the Doctor was not resisting capture... excuse me while I go and fix that.
Ah, do I see the formation of Sombre at the end there?