• Published 15th Oct 2016
  • 8,930 Views, 168 Comments

"Eyeballing It" - NightScript

Tirek has returned. If only something could come out of nowhere to save Equestria.

  • ...


Tirek, the great and powerful overlord to rule all overlords, stood victoriously over what little remained of the sad and now ruined Equestria. He had won, nearly. Any pathetic military power that the once proud nation once had was now crushed, every unicorn mage that challenged him had been mercilessly struck down, the elements of harmony themselves had been defeated. There was now only one thing that stood between him and absolute victory.

The alicorn princesses.

Or rather, the alicorn princess. The one, uno, singular, final, only alicorn princess. Flurry Heart.

Tirek had already absorbed the magic of literally every other being in existence on the planet and the other alicorns were no exceptions. All he had to do now was beat a foal at a game of hide and seek, a game that Flurry Heart was actually pretty good at.

"Come out, come out, where ever you are," Tirek boomed in his loud, conquering voice. "You can't hide forever, my little pony."

"No! I'm not coming out!" Flurry Heart yelled. "You're a meanie! And I don't play with meanies!"

Tirek looked out into the direction that the little foal's voice had come from. He smiled sinisterly as he now began to close in on his prey. Soon this would be all over, soon he would stand victorious, soon he would take a much deserved tropical vacation, assuming there was still a beach that wasn't completely stripped of its tropicalness by the scars of battle that now clung deep into the earth from weeks of fighting. Yes, even magical doomsday overlords had to take a vacation from time to time, but that wasn't the point. Soon, he would taste victory.

With a massive hand, he ripped a house out of the ground, revealing a small alicorn foal, who only met his gaze with a death glare that could have punctured steel.

"What do you want, meanie?" Flurry Heart demanded.

"Why isn't it obvious?" Tirek replied. He attempted to grab the small foal, but was not quite quick enough to catch her before she flew back several meters and shot a bolt of magic into his face.

The magical attack simply bounced off and flew back into the air, before coming down and hitting a small cottage, turning it into a pile stuffed animals.

Tirek grinned again, knowing that this small filly was only delaying the inevitable.

Flurry Heart grew angry as Tirek continued to grin. She shot several more attacks in his direction, each bouncing off and hitting an object off in the distance. "Why won't you go away?!" Flurry Heart yelled after growing frustrated with the ineffectiveness of her magical attacks. Yet again, she fired another blast with the same effect.

"Oh come on," Tirek mocked, finding satisfaction in the small alicorn's frustration. "You can do better than that. I'll even lower my defenses for you." There was a flash as any magical wards that he had been defending himself with were deactivated. "Go ahead, hit me with your best shot."

Usually, Tirek wasn't the kind for playing with his food, but it was hard work being an evilly, villainous villain, and he figured he might as well savor the last one before he retired to that tropical place.

Flurry Heart fired another bolt at Tirek, still with no effect. He was now vulnerable, but the very magic that coursed through his veins was enough to deflect any attack from the small filly. He was almost invincible. Almost.

Tirek sighed, finally having had enough of the small filly, he rushed forward and plucked her out of the air as she charged up another attacked. Without hesitation, he opened his mouth and absorbed - more like ate actually - all of her magic in a single gulp. Then he assumed a hoofball stance and threw Flurry Heart into the air and past the horizon, where she then faded into but a small dot, before disappearing completely.

"Welp, looks like my work here is done," Tirek said as he wiped his hands together and patted himself on the back for a job well done. Now there was only one thing left to do. Now that he was victorious at last, it was time that he went off on that tropical vacation that he had been day dreaming about as the puny and insignificant alicorn had been throwing what could hardly be called attacks at him.

Everything was great. He had finally beaten everyone on the planet and had successfully become the new god of this world. It was his proudest moment in life. From here on out, he was the boss of this world and it was his to recreate in his own image. Nothing could possibly take a dump on this day.

Unfortunately for Tirek, this assumption couldn't have been anymore incorrect. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a 20-kilo ferrous slug, which had been accelerated to 1.3 percent of light speed by the main gun of an Everest class dreadnaught struck him in the head with the force of a 38-kiloton bomb, which most ignorant jackasses would not know is three times the yield of the city buster dropped on Hiroshima.

Tirek was immensely powerful, but he had made a huge mistake when he lowered his own defenses to taunt the little filly that he had just done battle with.

As the bomb suddenly and mercilessly ripped his body apart on a molecular scale, all the magic that he had stolen flew out at immense speeds, rushing back to all of its original owners. Even Flurry Heart, who was still flying through the air, got her magic back and was able to catch herself before impacting any solid objects.

This day was a major victory for Equestria, which was now getting a chance to rebuild after yet another magically cataclysmic event. Indeed the history books would refer to this day a triumph that had nearly ended as a defeat. There was only one real disappointment in this whole situation and that was for the historians, who would forever go on to write about this day without actually having any clue as to what the hell actually happened.

10,000 Years Ago
In a Galaxy Far Off in Distant Space

Serviceman Chung was many things. He was a dedicated husband, a loving father, a loyal Alliance soldier, and a human. One thing he was not, was a cowboy shooting from the hip. This meant that for today, and for the next week, he was now the janitor of the barracks.

As part of his punishment, he had to scrub the entire bathroom with a toothbrush, and not even one of those fancy mass effect field powered toothbrushes that cost a fortune. He had to scrub with a regular old toothbrush. This was taking him ages and he hated every second of it. It wasn't his fault that that the computer was taking so long to give him a firing solution. What was he supposed to do, let the Batarian pirates get away?

He continued to scrub the bottom of the toilet bowl before him before his attention was caught by the sound of a flush just a few stalls over. Another Alliance soldier stopped behind him after exiting the other stall.

The other soldier looked down at him and grinned just slightly, finding mild humor in Serviceman Chung's current situation. He let out a barely audible chuckle at the sight before actually speaking. "Let me guess," he said. "you tried to eyeball it. Didn't you?"

Serviceman Chung sighed. "Yep."

Author's Note:

Aw Mass Effect. How I love you so. I cant wait to see what kind of fodder Andromeda supplies us with. I can already see the fanfictions now. *goes blind* Take me to the hospital. Please.

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Comments ( 159 )

I'd total try to eyeball it too......after installing sights on the damn thing first

Some where, at some time, Sir Issac Newton ruined someone's day. Tirek found out just who is the deadliest son of a bitch in space.

... I don't get it.

7642903 Only if it was a exterminatus mein herr....It ain't even close.

I reloaded that save point 12 times just to listen to that beauty of a skit :rainbowdetermined2::rainbowlaugh:


See 7643042 for the reference.

Glad to know that someone else gives credit to the most badass son-of-a-bitch in space.

Tirek fought the law (of physics). And the law won.

7643766 You don't break physics. Physics breaks you.

I lost my shit at Serviceman Chung.

I loved it, even though I didn't get the reference at first.

Both these comments made me laugh. Glad you guys enjoyed it.

7644071 Two weeks ago, I wouldn't have either. Glad you liked it.

I wasn't expecting that. I almost passed up this fic too, glad I didn't.

7644256 Glad you liked it.

Never played mass effect so I did not get the reference. Then I watched the video that cyberlord4444 posted and broke down laughing as everything started to make sense.

7643895 Fancy meeting you here. Nice to see your sense of humor is still gold standard.:rainbowlaugh:

7644286 I'm afraid I don't recall your name. Have we met?

Love it, nuff said

Serviceman Chung: Saviour of Equestria.

7644459 Did you receive that? I'm sorry, I was talking to Europa.

7644660 *looks at original comment* Oh, lol. Man do I feel stupid. :twilightoops:

I feel so ashamed that it took me so long to figure out what the deal was with the coverart. Deadliest son of a bitch in space indeed. :rainbowlaugh:

You make me want to dig out my xbox and play the whole trilogy again. Thank you very much for making me laugh. :rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy:

NAILED IT! (with eyeball aim)

Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.

Oh shit, my sides!


Gotta love the obligatory, "I understood that reference!" post.

I really was not expecting a Mass Effect crossover. This exceeded my expectations by far :pinkiehappy:

7644759 Not a problem. I'm guilty of that same thing too.

Oh god, I just finally realized that Tirek was killed from a random shot! Ha ha ha ha ha!

:rainbowlaugh: Excellent work bud.


It took me a minute to calm down from that. Great job. :pinkiehappy:


I don't even play Mass Effect, and I honestly wouldn't have cared what space video game you had crossed this with. I started laughing the minute I realized that he'd been shot by a misfire from 10,000 years ago. THAT IS HILARIOUS. Well done, I'm probably laughing harder than I should be but something about this really tickled my funny bone. XD

7643042 Thank you for this link. XD I was already laughing at the fic without any foreknowledge of Mass Effect or this inside joke, but watching this has helped me understand and made it even funnier.

I guess Tirek's day got ruined!

Sir Isaac Newton strikes again! :rainbowlaugh:

Iron Man says otherwise.

West Cowboy: I would say Chung was smoking Lucky Strikes, 10.000 years ago.

I was wondering why Sir Isaac "Son of a Bitch" Newton was the display picture for this story.

You got a pretty hard laugh of me there, nice work.

Serviceman Chung, Equestria's biggest unsung hero. The man with no name, ironically enough now

>Sees title
>Sees picture of Sir Isaac Newton
>Thinks "This is going to be a Mass Effect 2 reference, isn't it?"
>Was not disappointed.

Top Kek. Have a cookie, author, you deserve it.

And then they forget all about it in Mass Effect 3 when several of them impact the surface near a Reaper and the people on the ground don't instantly evaporate.

7645577 That's why I posted it.

Feel the weight, suckers!

That was amazing! All of the win!

7643895 tell that to the magical talking ponies.

7646123 those weren't dreadnaught class weapons though, just a lot of big guns put on very big ships.

I, like many who saw this fic, almost instantly knew what type of reference would be used here. After reading it, I, like those many others, am not disappointed. Well done sir, well done.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.

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