April 1st Special
Chrysalis was reclining in her favorite place. It wasn't the mighty throne room. It wasn't the depths of the changeling hive under Canterlot. It was the Royal Library, and beside her was a pony she had learned to call friend. A book sat between her big forelegs and thanks to her glasses she was able to focus down on the words and follow them perfectly.
Then something else on the page got the Queen of Equestria's attention. Something that moved. "What is that?" She narrowed her pupils down, focusing her eyes on the tiny creature before it jumped from the page. "Princess Twilight, what—" She froze at the sight; Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Equestria, and savior of the Crystal Empire, had one back-hoof raised up behind her ear and was kicking at her neck with every indication of enjoyment. "TWILIGHT!"
Snapped from her daze of relief, Twilight blinked a few times at her Queen. "Y-Y-Yes, Your Majesty?" A tiny itching pain lanced at her neck again, and before she could stop herself her leg started up. "Ugh… much better."
"What is the meaning of this?!" Chrysalis shot to her hooves, pointing one at Twilight. "What is wrong with you?"
"Oh, this?" Twilight gestured to her back leg while it kept scratching at her neck. "It was a warm year, just a few fleas going around. You know how it is, no matter how many times you bathe in that gunky stuff they just keep coming back." She turned her head more sharply, finding just the "right spot."
"Twilight Sparkle, what do you mean 'going around'? Is this a common thing?" Chrysalis' mind worked, searching for plans and solutions. Her horn lit and she floated a book over, Pony Ailments Without Magic, and opened it up.
"Well, if we have a warm summer it is. Then you have all the extra ponies coming and going…" Twilight trailed off as she saw Chrysalis' focus completely home in on the book. "What are you reading?"
"So, according to this there are three solutions. Have the pegasi end the warm-spell early," Chrysalis looked over the top of the book to gauge Twilight's opinion, "getting everypony who is affected to have a bath at the same time…" She raised one eyebrow.
"What? There is a third?" Twilight knew she sounded desperate, but the other solutions were logistically impossible; getting everypony in a whole city to take a bath at the same time, or ruining the last growing season of the year with an early Fall.
"It is a spell, a terrible spell." Chrysalis looked through the component words and runes. "But it will solve your problem." She floated the book up, turned it, and sent it to Twilight.
"I can't cast this!" Twilight stared at the spell, her sharp mind divining the effect almost instantly. "It will make all my fur fall out… my hair too! If you made me cast this, it would—"
"Yes, Twilight. We must end this blight. I had noticed the taste of the city's love was getting… sour, now I know the reason. For the good of ponies everywhere," Chrysalis took a deep breath, "I must shave Equestria!"
~~~~~+++++~~~~~
Twilight relaxed for the first time in weeks. There was no itching, no ongoing biting of all her extremities, and even better was she was nice and cool. "Princess Celestia, you must do this. If you do as our Queen says I promise you that you will stop itching and provide a good example for the rest of the city to follow."
"Twilight, you look ridiculous." Princess Celestia stared at her former student. Twilight was completely bald; from the tip of her snout to the frogs of her hooves, Twilight Sparkle was a mottle-toned, depilated pony.
"I am aerodynamic!" Twilight giggled at the reply. "But in all seriousness, I couldn't focus on anything before, thanks to that itching. Now I can just relax and not feel that… itch. The growing tendril of almost-pain," as Twilight described it, she watched as Celestia's neck started twitching, "the scratching feeling you can't banish. Always on my flank," She watched as Celestia's muscles twitched under her white fur, "biting, bleeding me for—"
"JUST DO IT!" Celestia spun around and was biting her flank, her teeth working at her cutie mark that itched so abominably. "Please Twilight, make it stop…"
Twilight aimed her magic and cast the spell. That amazing tail was the first to go, the huge mass of hair that hadn't been trimmed in thousands of years, flopping to the ground. The magic worked like a wave, Celestia's fur fluffing up a little as it worked over her. Soon, even Princess Celestia's mane stopped waving and flopped to the ground. "Princess?"
Celestia twitched one ear, and it was like a chain reaction. All her fur had been removed from her body, but sat on top of her until the wave of twitching muscles sent it up in a great cloud of white, and not a few feathers too. A moment later, the Princess of the Sun gave a soft sigh. "I am sorry, Princess Twilight Sparkle, you have shown me that sometimes humility is the best way—even for a princess." As she stood up, Princess Celestia revealed the whitest of pasty-white skin and the biggest chicken-wings ever seen.
"No more itching? No more scratching?" Twilight beamed in delight, grinning from ear to ear like the most adorable naked mole-rat ever.
"No itching, and you were right. I feel like I could run forever like this! I should have trimmed my mane and tail years ago." Celesta stretched her naked wings out and flapped them in quite possibly the least graceful display an alicorn had ever put on. "We must tell everypony else!"
Chrysalis walked into the throne room and smiled at the two princesses. "It is working?" She got two nods back, there was no need for explanations. "Good, once the ponies of Canterlot see their royals safe and free from the accursed parasite they are sure to follow."
Walking in behind Chrysalis, Luna had two garden rakes held in her magic. There were no leaves to gather up yet, but the Princess of the Night had several worn patches on her body already. She looked from Twilight to Celestia, then to Chrysalis. "What is going on?"
"Princess Luna!" Twilight pronked just like Pinkie would, bouncing right up to Luna. "Queen Chrysalis worked out a way to stop the itching: Shaving Equestria!"
To Luna's ear it sounded like the worst catchphrase ever. "No. What ever you are planning, I will be in my tower having a bath." She took a step backwards, then another. When Luna spotted Twilight's horn start to energize with magic, she turned and bolted.
"Come back Princess!" Twilight had to gallop to keep up with Luna. "This is for your own good!" It was no good, Luna knew the castle better than Twilight did, and had longer legs.
~~~~~+++++~~~~~
"I am not coming out!" Luna had no compunction about using the Royal Canterlot Voice to shout at the ponies assaulting her domain. "I will stay in here until winter comes, then the itching will stop like it does every year!"
Twilight appeared in the room beside Luna with a loud POMF. "Princess Luna, this is for your own good. Your sister didn't mind, nor did Shining and Cadance. We have to show solidarity for the ponies of Canterlot!"
"You're a loony if you think I am going to let you cast that spell." Luna put a hefty barrier against magic up. "Forget it, Twilight, you cannot bypass my magic. I am the most powerful pony in Equestria and…" Luna trailed off with her monologue, watching as Twilight unstacked the furniture that had been piled up. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"Clearing the way for my friends." Twilight lifted back the last bookcase—a well-stocked one that Twilight made a note to return to later—and flung the door wide. Outside, five young mares stood.
"You really should give it a try, Darling. The bald look is in this year."
"I might not be able to fly right now, but I can run faster than any pony alive!"
"This is so neat!" Pinkie Pie managed to pull a cupcake out from just behind her head, munching on it a moment later.
"Well, Ah thought it was a might strange at first, but it sure beats havin' ta itch all the time, and Ah don't need to tie back my mane anymore!"
"Oh…" Fluttershy actually stood a little straighter than usual, it helped that she looked just as ridiculous as her friends. "Uh… yay?"
What shocked Luna, though, was that all five were wearing their Elements of Harmony, and worse, Twilight lifted hers up onto her bald head. "You wouldn't!"
"Girls…" Twilight felt the magic of friendship unite between them, each mare pulsing with power and feeding it to Twilight. With her eyes going pure white, Twilight floated into the air and aimed her horn at Luna.
The rainbow blasted towards the Princess of the Night, and slamming into her shield, which for a brief moment, looked like it might hold. But the rainbow was implacable, and was charged with a nearly-divine purpose. "No…" Luna whispered the word as she was struck for the third time in her life by the rainbow magic from the Elements of Harmony. Her mane, tail, feathers and fur all evaporated in the single blast of incalculable magic.
Twilight floated back to the ground now that the magic of the Elements was spent. Blinking away the white magic, Twilight looked at Luna. "Wow…"
"I want to see Lulu!" Celestia's voice echoed from down the hall as heavy hoofbeats neared.
Luna looked to her sides, spread her featherless wings and slumped a little. "I…" She paused, about to begin a tirade before she noticed something. "The itching has stopped." She rushed forward and lifted Twilight Sparkle into the air, dancing with her. "The itching has stopped!"
Celestia finally reached the door and watched her bald sister dancing around with Twilight Sparkle. "This, right now!" A camera flash lit the room, followed by Celestia's giggles and a cry of, "RUN!"
Side by side, Celestia and Photo Finish galloped away, the latter's camera bouncing along.
"COME BACK HERE!" Luna's fury was roused, but at least the itching had stopped. She actually giggled between bellows.
~~~~~+++++~~~~~
"What I don't get, Your Majesty, is why you collected all the fur and hair." Twilight had some minor itching again, mainly stubble growing in. With a slight toss of her head, she recast the spell and ended the annoyance.
Chrysalis lifted a hole-filled hoof and gestured at the window. "Twilight, what do you see?" She levitated a basket over, lifting out two long needles.
"The sky? Clouds?" A little distracted by what her Queen was doing, Twilight had no hope of getting the correct answer.
"Close. Princess Twilight, that is a sky preparing for the pegasi to bring winter." Drawing a coarse length of spun textile from the bag, Chrysalis began to strike the needles together, beginning a rhythmic Click-Clack sound.
"I don't understand, what does that have to do with all our fur?" Twilight was fixated on the needles as they worked, watching them clack and strike over and over. She gave a little shiver and pulled a blanket over her furless form.
"Sometimes you miss the obvious, my little pony." Chrysalis relaxed as her magic worked at the needles, slowly knitting a line, then doubling back on it. "And I forbid you from using that spell again until you have enough fur for a pair of socks at the least."
Twilight's jaw dropped open, and her brain finally made sense of the purple colored wool her Queen was working with. "Y-Y-Yes, Your Majesty." She had to ask, though. "What are you working on?"
"A cap first of all. Full sweaters and pants are going to the ponies who have to work outside all day. You are perfectly fine under a blanket with a book." Chrysalis smiled widely then checked her plan. "Knit two, purl one…"
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I'm surprized Luna didn't go Nightmare Moon on them for doing that to her, she should have blasted them then and then teleported out of Canterlot and into the Everfree forest to see Zeccora to see if she had a potion to fix this easily.
I vote for canon status!
8064639
I second this motion!
My reaction to your pun:
*sigh*
Does...this mean we finally have naked ponies...literally?XD
8064735 "I'm not naked, I have fur!"
*shaving spell*
"..."
8064735
yep
8064766 wait...what does this mean if they go to canterlot high?o.0;no hair no eyebrows?
Chrysalis channeling a hypello? Will she be offering rides on shoopufs next?
Proof that changing (or adding) one letter in a title still is a good method for a comedy prompt.
In the same vein :
Lard of the Rings : The story of a butcher setting up a booth at the Olympic Games.
Stir Wars : The story of a war between two cooking school about who can make the better pancake batter using laser implements.
50 Shades of Prey : Pretty much the same thing as the original really...
This is punishment for all that yarn store spam my wife made you have, isn't it?
8065009
8065022
Chrysalis smiled widely then checked her plan. "Knit two, pearl one…"
Pearl - gemstone made by pissing off oysters. See: abalone and mother of pearl for two other types of "naturally made gems."
Perl - computer programming language. Usually used in conjunction with blood sacrifices to get the computer to WORK, damn you WORK!
Purl - something knitters do. Often shortened to "p." Purl is the "reverse" knit stitch. And the "purl side of the fabric" is usually the backside or inside. Knit is shortened to "k." So, k2, p1. If it's a rib, it would be [k2, p1]. Chrysalis smiled widely then checked her plan. "Knit two, purl one…"
Thank you for the kittehs! er... yarn... I mean yarn!
8064961 "The Last One" Pretty much the same except furry form... *Shivers*
All those naked mares...
Oh right, April Fools! I thought it was a bit of a clash of tone.
And then they realized that parasprites actually ate the louses, whereupon the balance was carefully restored and everypony keeps exactly one parasprite on them during the summer.
Keep going! ;)
part of this reminded me of a gag in the online comic "kevin and kell": their son, Rudy, asks his sister, Lindesfarne, "how do mom and dad handle their fleas? i mean, when one of them gets ready for a bath, their fleas would just jump onto the other. how so they handle that?"
"Rudy, they take a bath together."
Rudy's head explodes! (or at least appears to)
Hilarious. I wish I had a spell to automatically scratch itches.
catch-phrase - catchphrase
well stocked - well-stocked
hoof-beats neared - hoofbeats neared
Your spelling and grammar have improved to the point that I'm relegated to playing 'hunt the hyphen, or lack thereof', at least for this story. Excellent work!
This was fun and funny to read and I could only wish to see it animated someday.
Pony manes and tails should be relatively easy to spin into yarn, but the body hair is likely much too short and course. However, there is a process called felting that would be perfect for turning it all into bolts of nice, warm fabric.
8066365 There, got them all!
And yeah, you could do that with the fur. Or maybe Chrysalis institutes a breeding program to get ponies with longer and more wool-like fur?
8066734
orig09.deviantart.net/7848/f/2012/116/9/1/princess_celestia_baldness_by_shy_god-d4xm1rd.png
I thought Tia didn't need a shave anyway?
orig08.deviantart.net/a067/f/2012/260/9/e/celestia__s_secret_by_voodoo_tiki-d5eyzk0.png
(still my favourite comic....strip!?!)
8067928 What, you think her skin is white? No, ALL their fur comes off!
8068041 media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/db/3f/da/db3fda05ff9ef9078e9c4f12da20e3be.jpg
(Not quite what had in mind but...eh, close enough.)
Yep, one of the better April Fool's chapters on this site.
Why don't they just put flea collors on all the ponies?
Unfortunately the poor Pegasi who work in the weather department would never be allowed to go along with this glorious plan... along with all those who live in cloud houses or cloud cities. Feathers just take too long to grow back.
I LOVE this story, this is the best Alternate Universe story I've read in a long time.
Will this story be continued any time soon?
Keep up the excellent work!!
8163416 I definitely plan to get back to it. I just needed a little break. When it returns, it will likely do so as a monthly fic.
8163573
i really really really love this story hopes there is a lot more hope to see twilight became a changling princess later go princess twilight of the changling YAY!!
8217490
cool!! thank you for such a quick response.
So Chrysalis replaces Celestard?
Dis gon be gud.
Go home, Chrysalis! Go home, you're drunk!
8065219
I thought it was knit one purl 2, at least that what i remember from that one scene in spirited away.
8636244 Depends on the pattern.
Ha, this is a good April 1st joke
8693408 Thanks!
God I hate/adore April Fools chapters.
9180261
I have no words
Oh my gosh I LOVE THIS FANFIC
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