Twenty years before the Summer Sun Celebration that would set Nightmare moon free, Princess Celestia and thousands of other ponies simply slumped over dead with no explanation. A new lavender Alicorn with a magenta colored starburst cutie mark appears suddenly and takes the throne on virtue of her being the only one who can now raise and set the sun. Twilight, now calling herself Penumbra, is the only one who remembers the normal history of Equestria and her friends from Ponyville. Accompanying her are a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane, known as Spectra, and an orange earthpony with a blonde mane called Malus - her daughters who appear to be some mix of their mother Alicorn and two unidentified regular ponies.
Now, on the longest night of the thousandth year, Luna has returned to Equestria, free of the Nightmare and her own powers mysteriously drained.
Soon Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter, and Vinyl Scratch, a down on her luck DJ, find themselves on a quest to assemble the Elements of Harmony while being forced to evade Penumbra and her children.
Special thanks to:
-Timefather64 for helping me make this idea not a bad one.
-Jonshine for writing the line in his own story that in the end inspired this idea.
-OrphiusOlyandra for pre-reading and helping me be a less awful writer.
-AlicornPriest for pre-reading and giving me pointers on grammar.
-Slayerdarkcross on deviantart for letting me use his image. You should check out his other stuff.
Mere words do not express how much potential this has
Upon hearing her daughter say that, Penumbra felt a thin blade of regret pierce her heart. Even if that had only been a dream, and even though it had barely reflected what actually happened, it was still a reminder of what she’d done to them and why she missed them so much in the first place. Applejack and her stubbornness and Rainbow Dashe’s refusal to allow those she was loyal towards to come to harm.
Should be "Rainbow Dash's
‘Why are you staring at her?’ Spike interrupted her reverie.
seems strange that spike would interrupt his own mindful wanderings.
Plus the list of tracks provided didn’t make Vinyl want to gauge her ear drums out with a screwdriver.
gouge*
A few places of tell, lots of lavender unicorn syndrome, but mountains of potential.
inb4 featured
Kill The King - Megadeth
A few grammatical errors, but nonetheless, very interesting.
Very interesting story, definitely looking forward to reading this further
1097318
Thank you, that what all of my pre-readers said.
1097560
Thank you for that.
1098029
I really tried to stamp out the grammar issues. I had three different pre-readers. I'm frustrated that I'm still suffering these grammar issues.
1099326
I'm glad to here that. Interesting isn't the same as good, but still, I'd rather interesting than bad.
1097331
Fixed.
1097386
That would be Spike interrupting Mal's reverie.
Thanks for pointing that out. I fixed it.
I know, lots of tell. Particularly in the prologue when I described Mal and Spectra's personality's, or in chapter 1 where I didn't show there fight. I'm happy to leave the fight a blank but I'm not sure how to go about fixing that in the prologue. Maybe if I were to delete their descriptions and then add a conversation as their climbing up the stairs or something.
What's lavender unicorn syndrome? Afraid I've never heard of that.
Mountains of potential. That's what everyone keeps saying.
"inb4 featured" Don't you think your being a little optimistic with that?
Thanks for the comment.
1099639
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (often abbreviated LUS) is what occurs when the author tries to color their writing with substitutes for common pronouns.
"It sure is a nice day," the lavender unicorn said to the pink party pony.
It's a common and very easy mistake to make. There's more about it in the incredible writing resource, EZN's Guide.
Here's the link for the LUS section:
1099886
You're right, I have a case of LUS here pretty badly. How to fix...
Wheeeeee! You posted it up. Time to see if I have any more critiques beyond what I've already given.
"The dreams always started out like this..."
The section starting with that reads as though it slips out of Spike's PoV for a moment and goes into what Penumbra sees/feels. Not sure if that was your intention, but if you wanted to keep it as Spike's perspective, you should have it as "angry yelling" rather than just "anger" to make it clearer.
"The pegasus Spectra"
That sounds a bit clumsy especially since you named her in te previous sentence. I realise it's for clarity's sake, but I feel as though there should be a better way of handling it is all.
"(Unless of course she was excited, then her mouth contorted into a feral grin and her eyes took on a dangerous glint)."
Does this really need to be in brackets? Secondly, you could add a nice bit of characterisation in there by having Spike mention he never wanted to be targetted by that look ever again (or something similar).
"This was not because Mal deferred to her, rather because the pegasus always felt the need to lead."
Once again, slipping out of Spike's perspective and I feel as though this could easily be done in his view point.
"These were all fascinating questions."
This is very much personal opinion, but I feel as though you could add a bit more on the end of this. Something along the lines of "Questions she should have been eager to delve into, but..." and then something taking that a bit further maybe. Just to give that sense of old Twilight and the emotions underlying everything.
"Being blind had forced her to learn another way to see what was happening around her. She had learned to use multiple tendrils of magic to feel her way around the same way a blind pony might use a cane."
I feel as though that second sentence isn't really necessary because the first already implies why she's doing that.
"Her mind made"
Ever so slightly redundant. You could have just had her turning around and leaving.
1101041
Yeah I posted it up. I've made the changes you suggested (to a degree, unless I really like it I'm not going to use your exact suggestions).
Also I'm not sure I agree with what you say in regards to repeating the blindness. For now I'll leave as is, but if someone else mentions it, I give you my permission to say I told you so.
Okay, I like this. Very interested in where this goes.
1102665
Glad to hear. As to where it goes? Hopefully somewhere awesome. I mean I know where it goes, but I'm not sure if it will be as awesome as I hope it will.
Shouldn't there have been a second explosion nearby, triggering the Element of Magic's replacement? The time between the flameboom (Spitfire I assume) and Pony Xs magical flare was negligible. Granted, without a dragon egg to hatch, it's possible that things are a little more low-key.
1121471
Well I can't really answer your question without spoiling much. But in regards to the magical explosion, just wait and see. Who says pony X's magical surge was anything flashy and dramatic? And are you sure it's Spitfire? In fact, why don't you try and guess who the three new elements are? (I kind of want to know how predictable I'm being)
1097318
This. In particular, that last question in the description, that is going to be crucial. I haven't read it yet, but I am going to assume that the dislikes are mostly because you retconned a large amount of canon and didn't do a magnificent job of it so as to justify said retcon. That said, this is going on my read later list, and it sounds intriguing and well planned, so it will likely be read sooner rather than later. I have high expectations for this story.
1121531
Yeah I have a plan for this.
A big plan. Sadly, no one who has disliked my story has taken the time to comment so I'm unsure as to why they disliked it. It's possible that they simply didn't like the story. In regards to retconning the canon and changing history and all, yeah I haven't justified that, but that's because it's a part of the mystery.
In terms of the premise, yeah most people who pre read this for me or have commented on it so far agree that it has potential. I personally hope to use as much of that potential as I can.
Whenever you get to reading be sure to drop a review, even if you didn't like it I'd still love to know why.
High expectations? That's a bit intimidating but I'll try not to disappoint.
Indeed....
1121559 My guess of why they disliked this srory is that they were put of by some characters OOC-ness. I really look forward to seeing how this all came to be, but some people might not like the idea of Celly burning Twi's eyes or Dash and AJ making out for no known reason at all(At least until we know why Twi did what she did).
Also, geomancy for the win!
1124198
Yeah that may be why people disliked the story. I hadn't considered that.
In regards to how all this came to be... It's complicated.
In regards to Celestia burning Twi's eyes out, that was just a dream. I still haven't explained who did that to twi and why. Future dreams will attribute the loss of eyes to varying causes but I think most will be surprised by who actually did it.
AJ and Dash making out was meant to hint at AJ and Dash being a couple before (technically after because of the messed up time line) the world changed. Plus it was just a part of the dream sequence. Sexual imagery to add another layer of weirdness. It also makes sense because it's a manifestations of Twilight's guilt over what she did to the two of them.
1124661 It's kinda obvious that the cause is still not clear after the second dream, though some people may not read any farther than the first one. Also, I like how you still have that relationship, though it's now buried under hate and all that not being the original stuff.
Lastly: Hmmm, complicated. Complicated is good. At least it is for me, since I enjoy it when events baffle me and I wasn't able to see it coming. Complicated stories tend to do that to me.
1124931
The dream sequences are actually all loaded with foreshadowing of things to come and hints at what happened. I'm hoping that eventually when all is clear people will re-read those sequences and go 'Ohhhhhhh.'
Yeah that was what I was interested in with Mal and Spectra too. It's kind of hard to write for the two of them. They need to be hostile to each other but they still need to interact fairly regularly and say more (or in Mal's case don't say anything) to each other than 'I hate you.' 'You're stupid' etc etc.
Don't know how complicated the story will be, but the backstory for the story is certainly a hard one to explain.
Yeah, that needs to be changed. It was about the only thing in the first chapter that pulled me out of the story. However, this simple addition should fix it up quite nicely:
1101041
You can say 'I told you so' to y1fellas now.
In any case, this was amazing. Like everyone else is saying, this thing has practically infinite potential.
Intro scene:
4.bp.blogspot.com/-JlZsPCRltKI/Tx1c2Z5jAmI/AAAAAAAAAEI/nxmb-7Jxt84/s320/rainbow%252Bdrool.jpg
Time travel:
...
......
. . . . . .
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134177918494.jpg
Final verdict:
who-is-awesome.com/who-is-awesome.jpg
1125931
).
Thanks for the comment and the encouragement. I'll be sure to change that (Why did you have to let Orphius know he was right? That guy's a friend and you just gave him ammo. Actually, is it too late to delete your comment?
Though I'm not sure about 'infinite' I am aware that this idea does have a lot of potential.
1125989
But he was right, someone else did comment on that phrase, and whether or not you are friends is irrelevant. And this story does have infinite potential. You have implied time is possible in your story. With time travel, literally ANYTHING is possible. Therefore, infinite potential, by it's very definition.
1126797
I was just joking around. Of course I'm going to change it if two people had issues with it. And I am grateful to him for pointing it out.
Time travel? Wait and see.
1125931
Yep! Part of the reason I'm so hyped for this story because it's got insane potential and can go so many ways that it's not even funny. You aren't the only one eagerly awaiting to see what happens.
1125989
It's too late. Too late I saw! Mwhahahahahahahaha
you know what?
1131817
Er... what?
1133553
never mind, I won't bother you.
1133558
Ok, that was slightly random. Bother me about what? I'd love to be bothered.
This is good. Really good. Like others have stated, the potential here is astounding. It's rather difficult to capture my interest with an Alternate Universe story, but you seem to have done so readily. Like so many others, I look forward to where this is going.
One thing I will say is this: That fact that you use apostrophes in place of quotation marks is rather strange and entirely grammatically incorrect. For some reason it just bugs me.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1135707
Oh wow, you're the guy (possibly girl, I don't really know you) that wrote "The Guardian (K)Night". I like that story. It tickles me pink to have an author I like say my story is really good. You say that about alternate universe stories but I'd point out that's the tag you have on your own tale.
Yeah, the thing about the premise is that it's just really really intriguing. I'm not saying that to toot my own horn. When I had the first vague idea for the outline of this story I thought, 'Wow, that's really interesting, I want to see where this goes.' then I realized that it was my idea and I'd have to write it myself if I wanted to see the end of it. So here I am. Now I know where this goes, but I still want write it.
Oh and in regards to quotation marks, the way I was taught is this.
This is a speech mark or an apostrophe ' .
This is a quotation mark "
The quotation mark is to only be used when quoting something. That is to say you're repeating what is said.
Now I could be wrong about that. But as far as I'm aware either way is acceptable. Now if other people start taking Issue with the quotation marks then I'll go through and fix them in my story, but I'm ok with them as they are at the moment.
Anyway, thank you very much for commenting.
1137349
Thanks, I'm glad you think so highly of me.
I say that about AU stories mostly because they usually are just boreing and poorly executed premises, but they're an interesting idea and done well, you can even get stories like Sunshine and Fire. I won't go comparing you work to the heavy hitters of FimFic just yet, but you do nigh on un-bearable amounts of potential. And I know just what you mean. I've had a good many instences of discovering an utterly amazing story idea, only to realize that the only way I would ever see it is to write it myself. Hence my new found (semi)fame for The Guardian (K)Night.
And I've never heard someone refer to an apostrophe as a speech mark. Quotation marks are the only marks used for speech. In fact you sort of seem to have it backwards, when quoting someone else you actually use apostrophes within the quotation marks.
Example:
"Can you believe that idiot actually called out, 'Help me, help me! For the love of Celestia, someone help me!' while I tore his throat out?" Twilight whispered conspiratorially to the suddenly very nervous golden coated mare. "I mean really, you'd think a full grown dragon wouldn't be quite so pathetic, wouldn't you?" she asked, flashing her gleaming fangs in a predatory grin.
I only mention it because it irks me. I'm not going to tell you how to write, but I do feel that I should have at least made myself heard. It's technically wrong as well, and I'm sure if you were to try and submit it to EQD they would agree with me. I don't mean to be rude, I just thought I should point that out.
Oh, and as for my gender: Derpy and the others don't call me 'Dad' for nothing.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1137497
I wouldn't go comparing my story to Sunshine and Fire either. As it stands I doubt Penumbra will ever pick up a big following. The premise itself starts off at OOC Twilight and a few other things (particularly stuff that's happening next chapter) that would turn away most of my potential readers straight away.
Alright thanks for your concern. I've already sent this story off to EQD but I haven't gotten a response yet. If more people start to take issue with the quotation marks then I'll be sure to change it and officially give you permission to say I told you so.
1137574
I'm always happy to help.
And I don't know, advertise yourself in the right places and you never know what might happen. Maybe a shout-out on an already popular fic......
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1137621
Yes a shout out from the author of an already popular fic would indeed be appreciated. I would find myself in a position of great gratitude. Of course though, that requires the cooperation of an already popular author who did indeed think my story was of sufficient quality to merit a shout out.
1137682
Yes, indeed. But wherever shall we find such a fine fellow?...... e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1137697
That's a fine question. If only I knew someone who fit that description. Oh, woe is me! I have happened upon a fine idea, but lack the means to see it completed. I have no choice but to ask you for assistance. Would you be in a position to put me in contact with such a brony? One who is author of a popular story and does indeed like my own?
1137762
Hmm, yes this is a positively precarious position. Perhaps I could just... no, that is a fool hardy thing. Mayhaps Sethisto could help? Or Cereal Velocity? Maybe even Wanderer D? I suppose I could ask TheLivingTombstone, or WoodenToaster, but.... Wait a moment! I've got it! It seems so laughably obvious in hind-sight! Who is a well known and prolific brony? Who has over 100 followers? Who's the author of a well-recied and popular Vampony Twilight fic? I shall ask........ SteampunkBrony!
And if he says no I guess I could do it myself.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1137853
Yes, that is clearly the most magnificent remedy to this most mortifying of matters. It's so obvious in retrospect, how was SteampunkBrony not the first answer to come to mind? This is indeed an elegant solution. Good sir, you have made me jubilant.
But in the (extremely) unlikely event that SteampunkBrony does not wish to endorse my tale then your support would be greatly appreciated.
1137895
images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw783_tumblr_lp05hsgYfy1qjmjvko1_r2_1280.png
Quite.
It is indeed quite the mystery how we did not come to this conclusion sooner. But, as they say, 'Hind-sight is 20-20' I suppose.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1137931
Have a fine day sir.
1137948
And a good day to you as well.
Please, have some diabetes inducing pony goodness for your troubles.
i1168.photobucket.com/albums/r492/InfiniteBrony/185125-artistsilvercyhchangelingChrysalisdeletemeduplicatefillymothers_dayportrait.png
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1137976
Erm.... This is the only cute thing I've got on hand at the moment:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=Why+is+she+your+friend#/d52cuve
I shall put this on my read later list, though I think your intro could be improved by being less revieling.
also
1125931
Dat puppy, I wish people would post cool things like that for me
1141932
Revealing? I'm not sure how much the intro revealed actually. Are you talking about my story summary? Or the actual introductory paragraphs of the story?
Oh and the puppy, I know right? I was pleased as punch when he posted that.
1137895 I mean, if you want, I can make a shout-out happen; I am Steampunk's editor for both Among the Ruins and Vampony Chronicles after all, and I'm sure he wouldn't mind me abusing my power a little...
1143883
Ok, I was completely joking when I said that. Buuuut if you feel this story is good enough to deserve a shout out I will not object to that. Though to be honest I'd only want the shout out if Steampunk's OK with it.
What do you think of my story so far? I ask cause you did review for Breaking Twilight and I was the editor for that (to be honest though I'm a pretty terrible editor).